What took Raj's sleep...

"Baby I just had a bad dream, can we talk about it?"

"Bad dream? I'm sorry about it, what did you dream about?"

"It was so vivid... I am scared... You were leaving me..."

"Hmm, what's the setting? Why do you say so?"

"I never had dreams so vivid, felt like it was real. We were sitting in a cafe and talking, you told me that you were in love with someone else and decided to leave me."

"Okay... Did I say anything about the kids? Am I going to leave the kids behind? Do they know about it?"

"I think we will share the custody. I got so scared in the middle of the conversation that I woke up..."  

"Lol, you needa calm the heck down bae... I'm going nowhere, not making my kids heartbroken and unattended. They haven't reached puberty and gone to college yet. You think I would make them go through something so fundamentally destructive?? And we have always been in open communication, no? I updated you on whatever I was going through; you know my heart is full of love, and right now, I'm in love with someone else, too. Am I pushing you to open up?"

"Ya, I know. I gave you the freedom to feel what you deserve to feel, you are indeed in love with someone else, and I'm happy for you. But the thing is, there were so many, so many handsome men you met and were available for you, but you were only in love with one. I think that scared me."

"If I have a connection with all of them, it's not that worth cherishing then, no? And bae, you really need to learn more about this new world; in between me staying and leaving this home I built with you, there are a million things people could do to make everyone happy. I'll send Insta videos for you to study, lol!

And remember that the reason for me to leave will never be that I met someone else; it will be because we don't work anymore. We would stop talking and communicating; we would stop caring, adjusting, and sacrificing; we would stop any physical and emotional intimacy. Before I leave, we would be in cold deadlock for years, and you'd wish for me to leave, or you'd leave. But most likely, we would pretend to be in a functional relationship for the sake of our children."

"Hmmm, makes sense..."

"Now you feeling better? And bae, I have to tell you that you are a typical victim of the society humans, or, precisely, men built. This world that is up and running in front of our eyes, where we all grew up and indoctrinated, is fundamentally a men's world. Each corner of our cognition and emotion is dominated by the male perspective. What's the male perspective? You guys, you guys only know two things: one is to conquer and own, and the other is to own up without limitation. On the contrary, I do not feel like owning up to anything; I just want to exist wherever I am, and I want to love and give. My heart is filled with love. Obviously, this is a generalization statement; I'm simplifying it for you to understand."

"A lot of women love to conquer and own too! What are you talking about?"

"Yes bae, keep in mind, we are all born into this world that is dominated by male prospects. All social norms, science and technology that's been created, all education and experiences we walked through, are biased towards you. That's why you rarely would find women who have woken up to their original form or carried enough courage to root themselves down in our world instead of spinning themselves up in your world. Same for men, you have no sense of what a world without ownership would feel like. So many kind men are feeling frustrated with today's world, but you don't exactly know what the outlet is. Truth is, 'our world' doesn't exist yet, and people lack the imagination. You can hardly blame anyone.

You made science and technology the way it is today to maximize your desire to conquer and own, and own infinitely. Science and technology is mainly served to exploit natural resources and enhance your physical ability, how sad right, nature for you is only a 'resource', and you think you, which could be free of disease and the circle of life one day, are beyond nature."

"Well..."

"The insecurity you felt in your 'bad dream', is deeply rooted in the predominant concept of our world - Ownership. You have always felt the sense of owning me, which sits on top of our relationship. Subconsciously, my leaving you triggered the fear of losing me, which is the opposite of owning."

"Noooo, nonsense! It's only about access to you. If you leave, I won't be able to access you anymore or so easily if I share."

"See, ownership of the access to me. Thank you for the denotation."

"......"

"But may I present to you, my perspective, a woken woman who dares to be true to her original form? I care nothing about ownership. I don't care about owning you, your love, other men's love, and owning my kids, my place, my things. I also don't care about your will to own me and your kids, your will to own fame and material achievement. I just want to exist in my own way. I care about expressing myself in a way not poisoned by your perspectives. And my expression, is through love. It's always about love. We are born out of love. We are made of love. We breathe in and out love. We touch our surroundings with love. Our purpose of being is to love. Can you imagine how beautiful a world it would be without a fight for ownership, no jealousy, and no disappointment? There is so much love we can provide; there would be no one left behind. Like the bonobos' society, but not the chimpanzees'. 

"Hmmm, yes to bonobos but no to chimpanzees, huh? But our natural resource is so scarce, human society was doomed to be like chimpanzees'."

"Yes, precisely. Since we formed farming/hunter and gatherer human society, we have been on the track to the ultimate collective unconscious. It's absolutely too late to reverse it now."

"We are all doomed?"

"Yes, we all are. So you better get back to sleep and stop being so silly. Wake up tomorrow morning and cherish whatever time we still have to enjoy the moment before the AI-human emasculation, or global nuclear explosion, or climate doomsday, or right-wing authoritarian takeover... Lol, it's 3am!!"

"Okay. I love you baby, please don't leave me..."

"......"

So proud of Sandra!!!!!

Sandra had her swearing in ceremony today! 

I went and pinned her badge! 

So proud of her!!!!!

She also got a special recognition award!!!

Kindness and humanity will be the brightest stars in dark nights

 

this isn't your land

this isn't my land

this land was stolen through acts of violence

if you think birthright should end immediately

then we both should pack our bags and leave

this isn't your land

this isn't my land

we are descendants of murderous migrants

if you think it's not part of your history

you should take a "23 and me"

this isn't your land

this isn't my land

let's stop pretending and have some kindness

for other people who aren't like you and me

let's try some basic humanity

Self-tyranny

 

"You desire to live 'according to nature'? Oh, you noble Stoics, what fraud of words! Imagine to yourselves a being like nature, boundlessly extravagant, boundlessly indifferent, without purpose or consideration, without pity or justice, at once fruitful and barren, and uncertain; imagine to yourselves indifference as a power - how could you live in accordance with such indifference? 

To live - is not that just endeavouring to be otherwise than this nature? Is not living valuing, preferring, being unjust, being limited, endeavouring to be different? And granted that your imperative, 'living according to nature', means actually the same as 'living according to life' -- how could you do differently? Why should you make a principle out of what you yourselves are, and must be?

In reality, however, it is quite otherwise with you: while you pretend to read with rapture the canon of your law in nature, you want something quite the contrary, you extraordinary stage-players and self-deluders! 

In your pride you wish to dictate your morals and ideals to nature, to nature herself, and to incorporate them therein; you insist that it shall be nature 'according to the Stoa', and would like everything to be made after your own image, as a vast, eternal glorification and generalization of Stoicism!

With all your love for truth, you have forced yourselves so long, so persistently, and with such hypnotic rigidity to see nature falsely, that is to say, Stoically, that you are no longer able to see it otherwise - and to crown all, some unfathomable superciliousness gives you the bedlamite hope that because you are able to tyrannize over yourselves - Stoicism is self-tyranny - nature will also allow herself to be tyrannized over: is not the Stoic a part of nature? 

But this is an old and everlasting story: what happened in old times with the Stoics, still happens today, as soon as ever a philosophy begins to believe in itself. It always creates the world in its own image; it cannot do otherwise; philosophy is this tyrannical impulse itself, the most spiritual will to power, the will to 'creation of the world', the will to the causa prima."

* "Self tyranny", what a perception. The origin and essence of Western civilization and Eastern Confucianism. If the West was not to dominate this world but the ruthless Genghis Khan, who would later adapt to Confucianism, which facilitates centralized federalism, we'd arrive at a world with approximately 95% resemblance 110 Earth years later. The time from the Industrial Revolution to the AI explosion was shorter since technological advancement was driven and primarily used by the empire; what took longer was for Khan to conquer and establish Chinese-style centralized imperialism. And that's just one wave of Tire 2 communication. 

* "Tyranny" is the keyword, either the object is oneself or nature. "Tyranny" best illuminates the nature of humans and the relationship between humans and nature. In all the existence and expression of humans, the shadow of "tyranny" is to be uncovered. Aren't humans forever living in our own images and constantly altering our surroundings according to these self-images?

* The question is why. Were we ever part of nature? Yes, then when? How did we derail? 

Lunar new year!

Growing up we spent Lunar New Year together with everybody from my popo gonggong side of the family. That included four siblings of my mom, all of their kids. We grew up together. New year was the best time of the year.

Before my popo passed away last year, they still gathered together each new year, young people went back from cities to hometown. Except me, I came here, for the past 16 years. 

Now I have gotten used to the aloneness. It is the path I have chosen. Life is all about choices. Most of the time, you can only choose one direction. No matter how much you want to be on both. 

The concept of home has become obscure to me since I was uprooted as a young adult. Went through self-driven deconstruction and reconstruction too.

Maybe I was always a loner? At least half of me. 

I anticipated much more joy and zeal when I finally obtained American citizenship. Surprisingly, didn't find myself going through many sentiments. Nothing complicated either. 

Going through life, you try to hold on to the people and your attachment to them. But nothing stays, no one stays, some a tad longer than others. 

That's why I dare not take anything for granted. Parents, children, family, friends, people in my life. Love them like it's my last day with them. Be open and present with them, and true to myself. 

Was with prof from the beginning, built the site together, before we acquired fundings. Can't believe it's now again a hard time, three months, hope no longer than that. I'm going to be here supporting it through, once again. 

It's going to be tough for a lot of us, the next four years. It's also going to be exciting and filled with opportunities for a lot of us. We will get through it together, one lunar year at a time. 

My 10 y/o built the robot and coded the movements.

"Crazy hair" day today at school. Growing into a handsome young man.

He records screen time daily to self-regulate. Screen time includes coding, using internet resources to learn to code, fitbit-watch checking, tv watching, and school laptop. 

The animal-loving 8 y/o daughter

New year's dinner my kind and hard-working mama made all by herself. Baba deals with buying groceries, and I deal with dishes and cleaning. Had to constantly fight my way to wash the dishes and clean, or else she would quickly finish them all. 

Mama handmade 8 rice cakes in total; we gave them to both sides of our neighbors, two friends' houses, Leena and Noah, and my prof. 

Some brief brainstorming...

* January 27, 2025, AI Race Sputnik Moment - DeepSeek-R1 surpassed ChatGPT as the most-downloaded free app on Apple Store US, marking the beginning of the AI Space Race between the US and China

* July 2028, SkyNet O1 Released - first self-improving AI model released by Chinese AI company SkyNet. Under the fierce AI Space Race, 1-year-old Chinese company SkyNet released model O1, marking the entering of the recursive self-improving AI era.

* May 2029, Anoiktos Became The Lead - 3-year-old AI giant Anoiktos surpassed OpenAI, Google, Meta, the old group of IT/AI giants, became the leading giant of a new group of young AI startups that dominated most of the market in America.

* October 4, 2029, Anoiktos-D5 Security Breach in US - the security breach happened with five main banks in America, Anoiktos-D5 was applied in their banking system. This breach resulted in a temporary government takeover and the issuing of a series self-improving-AI-model targeted regulations. 

* November 10, 2029, BioChip's Breakthrough on Chips - BioChip, a California hardware company, invented chips that had the computing power of a laptop but were as small as they could fit in human palms.

* September 20, 2030 Shanghai Agreement Reached - the last and seemly too late internationally collaborated resort to prevent or delay the artificial intelligence explosion. Some of the main regulations included Article 5 - restricting certain industries from adopting the use of recursive self-improving AI models; Article 14 - restricting access of AI to quantum computing, merging of AI and quantum computers is prohibited; and Article 25 - restricting implants of AI chips into organic human bodies. 

* February 5, 2032, BioChip's Breakthrough on Battery - BioChip invented batteries that had the power to run a laptop for 8 hours without recharge but were as small as they could fit in human palms.

* March 26, 2037, Leaking News of BlueOdyssey-Y3 - a quantum computer model that reached superintelligence by Chinese company BlueOdyssey. It broke the Shanghai Agreement 2030, marking the end of the AI Space Race. 

Xi Jinping, Donald Trump and Elon Musk flocked to China to achieve immortality... (>O<)

An update video with Raj

 Made a new video with Raj, an update on our life right now. Planning to do it once in a few years, just so we can look back and see how we grew old together.

After my Youtube channel got eliminated (stupid Youtube!!), I created several separate ones, so I'll still make some videos if I feel like doing so. One channel is about our stories, basically for the Chinese audience to get real stories about us instead of fake ones. There is still a little traffic, Chinese (who are abroad or use VPN) do still search for me and get to those videos... I just deleted a bunch of hostile comments...

  Maybe I'll make one to speak Chinese and give an update on our lives too, lol!

Planning to go back for a visit in June. Will get my US passport, then apply for a visa for me and travel documents for the kids. Hopefully, when we are in China, we won't attract too much attention... It's actually scary to think about. We will lay low on the way, everybody wears a hoody, cover our heads and sunglasses. Once we reach my hometown, we will only go out when many families are around. And surely, within an hour of our arrival, most people would know we are in town... Shit, I can already imagine it will be such a biiiig news in my small hometown, people would stop and take photos and videos of us if we show up in the street! Just for sharing with their friends and family... shit... my stupid small hometown with people who love and hate me for no reason (well, propaganda and brainwashing reasons)! In any case, I don't enjoy such attention, especially if it could cause harm to my kids... shit... hopefully everything will be fine...

For this video, I actually wanted to talk a lot more about marriage and sexuality, Raj was so afraid of me oversharing, kept kicking my leg! I was so distracted I didn't say much at all... (>0<!)

That "drunk" video we made in 2022 at Santa Cruz

Our first video together to tell our story, made in 2020. Hopefully, many Chinese people got this version of my story, rather than fake ones. 

Excited for Funk season!

Funk season is starting. Assignments of round no. 1 had been made even before our 70's Arena Rock show.

Took a close look at my funk assignments during Friday's lesson. Based on my assignments, the directors do treat me like a serious keyboardist. My piano level has been a big plus to all the groups I've been to. The most challenging synth or piano solos were all automatically assigned to me. I never let anyone down with my fingers running fast, firmly, and accurately across the board. 

I'm especially excited about this funk season because it will be a season for breakthroughs. I will gradually root my feet down into being a keyboardist who can perform serious improvisation for contemporary music, transforming from a performative piano player of classics. 

Classics are still my favorite, though. When I need to focus on working, I play classics in the background to relax my mind. Classics get my emotions to the greatest extent. They help me express my sorrows, excitement, and enlightenment in a way no other music can achieve. Some of my best memories were attending symphonies in Vienna and San Francisco; one of my unrealized dreams was attending the New Year's Symphony in Vienna. But ya, as an amateur piano player, I ain't going to join the San Francisco Symphony any day soon.... (>_<!)

Round no. 1 has 5 songs; I am in 4 of them for keyboard and 1 for vocal lead. 

"Back Pocket" by Vulfpeck - I'm the only keyboardist. Clavinet is present throughout, and Clarinet solo at the end. There is a lot of space for improvisation in both the Clavinet and the Clarinet. I plan to get familiar with song forms and the progression of each unit, and then I will add my own expressions throughout. 

"Tell Me Something Good" by Rufus ft Chaka Khan - I'm the only keyboardist for this song too. Will be in charge of the Clavinet. A lot of room for improvisation too!

"I Got The..." by Labi Siffre - I will take up the keys, Lola the string synth. This song has less room for improvisation, I will just memorize the notes, more than half of the song is repetitive tones. Actually I hear trumpet in the latter half, trumpet was not assigned to anyone, most probably was missed out, maybe I can pick that up and put some improvisation in it. 

"Mary Jane" by Rick James - I deal with the synth (string, woodwind and distortion), Lola the keys. Maybe room for improvisation, will see. 

"Flashlight" by Parliament - I'm the lead vocalist. 

None of the songs I've heard before. Even had no idea what Funk was. But Imma sink into the music, dissemble my old self, blend in with all the sounds, and form my new shape!

How exciting! 

My bandmates have been calling me a "musician". I used to reply with rejection, saying I only knew how to play piano by the book, not as a real musician. They kept calling me that, my music directors too. I guess after the Funk season, I can finally allow myself to be called a "musician" then!   

Under my sky

 

you clothed me, installed heels on my feet

you locked away my power

fixed me into a marriage

"it's your destiny", you whispered to my ears,

since I was merely a girl child

I live with no name, and crave none

in this world that's not mine

I possess no form of own, only your molds

in this world that sucked my prowess

my body is the vessel

my womb is the tool

my emotions are redundant

my freedom is salable

"what do you want then?"

I asked myself

never learned to care for me

only tended to the needs of others

"I want to be in love

I want to make love!"

oh no, honey, anything but

I covered my own mouth

"Then I want to be free

I want to soar into the sky!"

oh honey, you are free

you are flying high under my sky

Reimagining

“Hierarchy is a system of organizing power and value through rigid rankings, where some individuals or groups are placed above others. 

It is the foundation of oppressive systems because it justifies and naturalizes inequities and makes them seem inevitable rather than constructed. 

It is a core mechanism of colonial rule—one that violently flattened complex social structures into binaries (ruler/ruled, civilized/savage), and manufactured racial, gendered, and economic stratification to exploit labor and land. 

Hierarchy doesn’t just govern institutions; it disciplines our very ways of thinking, making coercion and control appear as necessary for order rather than as violence. 

Its power lies in how deeply it has been normalized, not just in governance or labor, but in every intimate layer of society—parenting models that demand unquestioning obedience, workplaces structured around bosses and workers, and privilege couples over friends, community. 

This conditioning frames hierarchy as part of nature, a biological fact rather than a political project. 

Colonialism embedded hierarchy into the very fabric of modern life, ensuring that even movements for justice struggle to unlearn it, replicating top-down authority within organizing spaces. 

Dismantling hierarchy requires more than just rejecting unjust rulers; it demands reimagining power itself—rooting it in mutual care, collective decision-making, and recognizing the inherent worth of all relationships, individuals, and the natural world. 

It calls for a shift away from domination and extraction toward reciprocity, where human and non-human life are valued not for their utility but for their existence.”

Sometimes, life

"Oh btw, remember xxx? They just cashed out xxx millions and spent half a million in two and half months vacationing."

"You see, these are real rich people. You guys are still so poor, house so small..."

"....."

The moment I told my mom the gossiping "news", I regretted it. She never did learn to show Raj or me proper respect. It's just how their brains are wired, how they grew up and grew old in that money-worship environment, they could never change that.

I fought my way with them, being with Raj. 

Didn't marry for money, that's for sure. How much I worked and sponsored his family financially in the beginning years to prevent his dad from committing suicide because of bankruptcy. That's why my in-laws dare not say anything to me, absolutely nothing, not about what I wear, what I do, or what I post on social media. They are always on my side, against the whole lot of Indian society. Of course, I have always treated them respectfully and generously given them whatever I have. Everybody knows that. 

Didn't marry for citizenship either. Being in the inferior category of race, gender, and country. The first thing you learned while studying abroad was how to get residency/citizenship in Europe, America, or anywhere richer than your birth country. At the same time, when I met Raj in Berkeley, of course there were other guys: a white, he didn't need to mention his nationality; a brown, he openly told me he was a US passport holder. But I didn't learn well as a foreign student from China, obviously. Went ahead with an ongoing undergrad Indian from India, merely interning 2 months in America. He was my first boyfriend, by the way, never felt that anybody had reached the level of kindness worthy of me to commit. Got our citizenship after 16 years of struggle.

However, all of this is not considered a force of strength or integrity to them. It's blunt silliness and oblivion. They rejected this version of me, the only version of me, for a decade. I had my struggles, I had my time. The worst kind of struggle is not being accepted and respected by the ones who are the closest to you. I went against the whole freaking world. I was in constant hysteria because I was deeply wounded inside, by the people who were supposed to accept me as who I was. 

"I'd rather you marry some old rich guy from a first-world country!" That's one of the reasons why I freaking hate old rich men, especially from a "first-world country". I still can't stand the sight of them. The only way not to repel them is to grow old together with them. 

And I am so freaking proud of that golden period when I was fighting against the whole world. A whole world of racism and discrimination. Proudly presented Indian culture to the Chinese. Even though I had to wade through a deep marsh of endless racism, and it ended with an explosion of brutal internet violence against me. 

But I reached my calm. Not because we are not as poor as we once were, without enough to fill our bellies, but because after years of ups and downs, countless sleepless nights with the kids, a broken future in my career, and shattered dreams of achieving anything "recognizable" by this cold world, I naturally don't care that much anymore.   

Do they accept me as who I am now? Will the world ever hear what I have to say? Will I ever collect enough determination to write out the fantasy worlds in my mind? Meh, who cares. 

"Do you think I don't know the difference between having xxx millions and us? Do you think I don't know the difference between much bigger and more luxurious houses and ours? What do you exactly want from me? What exactly do you try to achieve by ridiculing and disrespecting us? Do you want me to divorce my husband and find a billionaire that you would finally respect? Do you want my husband to work even harder so he would never have time for me and the kids? Or do you want that rather I was not born so the son of yours could be born and he would become the billionaire you are able to respect? You must think, who doesn't like being millionaires and billionaires? Well, I don't! I simply don't care, precisely because of people's mentality like yours! I really am confused, What Do You Exactly Want From Me? You truly think everybody can easily cash out millions and billions, do you?"

Sometimes, when people's mind is blocked by the collective greed of the human race, it's extremely cold and disheartening. Even though they are actually very very warm and kind human beings, if in their senses.  

"So let me tell you this. Maybe you don't mean what you said, but I clearly do not appreciate your out-of-blue disrespectful attitude toward us and our financial status. We are delighted and comfortable about where we stand today. We have no envy of the others and no regret. Our lives have never evolved around money, never did, and never will. If you could learn to respect who we are and what we have, which is much more invaluable than the money you can count, that would be perfect. If you truly couldn't respect that, at least don't burst out in front of me. I am very happy about whatever I have, so please keep your dissatisfaction to yourself and leave me be. I am 40 years old already, you can't change nothing of me, like I can't change nothing of you. I am not going back to college, getting a degree, and having a money-making career, and I am not going back in time, change my appearance, and dig some gold, no matter how much you ridicule me. So let's just treat each other with mutual respect like mature adults. Should we?" 

Changing room drama

It has to be my first time experiencing changing room drama. 

I like to take a cold shower after the hour-long sweaty yoga, then nicely put almond oil all over my body in front of the mirror. Yes, I am very comfortable about my body, and about being naked everywhere that's allowed. Nobody is perfect, yes, I also grew up seeing only limited white beauty standards with specific female body shapes acceptable, but it didn't affect me as I have something much stronger inside to hold on to. 

I take no shame in my imperfect body, a body in the 40s that gave birth to two children, and I take no shame in walking around with my imperfect body uncovered. Plus, I have been seeing my mom naked growing up; she is just a happy-go-lucky, big-nerved, careless lady in that way. She also grew up with no specific shame or indoctrinated sin that targeted her body. And I am proudly passing this tradition to my daughter and son. Most of the time, I am also just a happy-go-lucky, big-nerved, careless lady who grabs any chance to strip off her clothing.

I was just putting on oil, lightly massaging my skin, doing a little self-care between my morning and afternoon work. Minding my own business. This Indian lady in her 50s, with an American accent, she loudly complained to her acquaintance, "Gosh, I love these little curtained dressing rooms, or else there are these butts all over your face!" 

"Did she mean me?" A thought crossed my mind. Meh, who cares, maybe I was that "butt all over her face"?... But the room is so empty and I'm just standing still in front of the mirror! Meh, who cares.

I was still taking my time, ensuring I moisturized and massaged each part of my body, diligently doing my little self-care. I bet she could see my feet under the curtain of her lovely little dressing room. She finished and barged out, slamming the curtain so hard that it hit my face...

Well, it didn't affect me at all. But this lady may need to chill out a little bit, people in public usually don't make such big movements. I think she was eating herself up with some sort of weird anger or feelings towards me? How strange that is, right? You being you at that space and time could affect people in such a significant way. The choice was not mine though, it was hers. She allowed herself to be affected by the sight of me. 

Why are you so cruel to yourself, then? Life itself is not hard enough? Why ask for more trouble? Couldn't you just let me exist in my own way that is shaped by my childhood and adulthood experiences, the books I've read, the movies I've watched, the music I've listened to and played, the memorable and beautiful encounters I've had with people who ran into my life, the places I've visited, the worlds I've imagined, and the emotions I've felt, and allow me to just mind my own business? Why so harsh on yourself?

As I was dropping Raj off at his office, I jokingly told him about the incident. 

"You should reply to her, 'At least I've got a cute ass!' A cute ass on her face!"

"What?! Lol, I never react to such incidents; it's so silly and unnecessary... Unless, I am protecting someone else..."

"You have no idea how hot you looked in that backless tiny top. With your back all red and sweaty, when you were twisting your spin, wow..."

"Errr...." 

"Now I need to update your dresses to backless ones. Let me search and find some good brands!"

"Errr, okay...."

First steps

Found myself doing this:

being extremely comfortable and confident 

manipulating the tones of old songs.

Started in the first season being a lead vocalist in SOR,

for most songs I sang, I like to give a little twist here and there,

just to add my own expressions to them. 

They all sounded in accordance and in harmony, 

without mapping anything out, all based on my feelings...

The feeling of music... Maybe I got this talent?

Maybe this is the first step of composing my own music?

Need to continue my music theory lessons though!

How exciting!

One of the classics of Chinese pop

"Moon Represents My Heart"

Letter to Shiv when he is ten

My dearest son Shiv,

Suddenly, you are ten years old. 

The memory of having the birth dream of you at the very beginning of my journey with you is still fresh in my mind. I saw Lord Shiv, I heard his voice calming me down, "Don't be afraid, I am Shiva." As if he were my protector, he would ensure I am well cared for. And you are him, aren't you? Will you take care of us like how Lord Shiva takes care of us?  

I have faith in you. I know you will grow into a responsible person who respects and cares. 

Growing up is difficult, isn't it? Every day, your ability to master various things grows a little; every day, you gain a little more confidence about yourself; every day, your friends are a little more surprised about how smart and capable you are. But still, you are a kid who lives under our roof; we restrict, discipline, sometimes scold, and punish you. 

I know you take pressure from being the best in class: always get full marks in math, comprehension, and writing tests; always know the answers to questions nobody has an idea; always the most loved and praised student by teachers. 

Some of this pressure is good because it motivates you to make more effort to study and be responsible in school. But please don't take the pressure too far. I am forty years old now; one of the most important things I have learned from my life experience and encounters with others is Not to take yourself too seriously but to enjoy this unique journey.

Life is just a journey. Sometimes, you will have companies like Aditi, mama, and papa, like your current friends; but sometimes, in your journey, you will find out that you could be entirely by yourself. Only you will be there for yourself from the beginning to the end. Therefore, make sure you can answer to yourself about who you are, about what kind of a human being you want to be, about what you truly enjoy doing, and about where you want to go. 

You can take advice from the people around you, but please don't feel pressured by them. You might feel that you are "an important person" among your classmates because of your high marks, but in reality, none of such sentiment does really last or matter. 

Keep your own pace growing, you don't always need to be the best. See if you can answer these questions to yourself: if you made an effort to learn, if you are better than last time, and if you remain kind, respectful, and helpful to people around you. If you can always answer these questions to yourself, then it's unnecessary to compare yourself with the other and try to be "the best". Labels are for people who don't have a strong anchor inside of their hearts.

Mama gets especially angry with you when you forget to respect gonggong and popo, right? I know you have your reasons, you have your own way of thinking and doing things. But I want you to learn to look into yourself first before finding faults in others. Failing to do so, you will act entitled and disrespectful. And that's unpleasant for anyone under any circumstance. 

Gonggong and popo have lived most of their lives the way they did, and there is no need, actually, it's nearly impossible for them to adapt and change now. What hardship did they experience while growing up? How did they struggle, for 5, 6 decades, to make a family and care for all the family members? You have absolutely no idea, do you? How can it be fair to demand that they adapt to your thinking and way of life? The tears they have cried are more than the water you have drunk. 

And can't you see that they work so hard to give us all a good life? Popo wakes up every morning at 5:30am to make fresh breakfast for you and Aditi, she packs homemade lunch and snacks for you. Popo would spend a whole day busy in the kitchen just to make whatever you and Aditi like to eat, with the best raw ingredients. Gonggong washes clothes and dries them, cleans the floor, and arranges the yard. Gonggong drops you off at school every day and picks you up too. They clean up our whole house, change our bedsheets every few days, vacum and dust too. They take you to music, fencing, and robotics classes. They buy groceries for the house. Can't you see how hard they work for us? This is their own way of showing how much they love us. Love in action is most definitely much more powerful than only in words.

True strength comes from understanding, patience, and tolerance for the people closest to you. Mama wants you to be strong inside of your heart; hence, start practicing being patient and tolerant with the people who are closest to you, like Aditi, popo, and gonggong. Try to understand why they act the way they did before you react, try to use a calmer voice when you approach the problem with them, and try to ask yourself if there was anything you did wrong, could do better, or could help in this case. With more kind approaches, you will get stronger inside, and the inner strength will be invaluable for you one day. 

Shiv, you are a very kind human being born with a golden heart. You feel what people feel and sympathize with people's suffering and struggles. Mama wants you to actively maintain this beautiful nature with kind acts, especially to the people you live with. Mama wants you to build up true strength inside with this gift that gods and goddesses gave you. We all are so profoundly proud of you!

And always remember that Mama is here to guide you, help you, and love you forever and ever.  

Love, Mama

2025.1.21

Biden or Trump

 

next four years, a lot of fun and jokes

last Trump presidency, 

we got Innovaccer to be an unicorn...

now again, 

who knows what's gonna happen

gotta stay positive & humorous 😆

Freaking Killed It!!!!

We Did It!!!!!!We freaking did it, a perfect show..!!!!!! So PROUD of myself!!!!!

Like my teacher said, "No need to be perfect, just carry it on and give the best performance". Exactly what we did!

Nobody did perfectly zero mistake but I would say we were 95% there (whatever our individual best performance level is). Small mistakes here and there but we carried it through like real rock stars!!!!

Everybody, literally Everybody came forward to tell us how good we were... They told me I was such a great singer, how good I sang and how good I played the piano... All the rock teachers came congratulate us, give us fist bumps, hugs, and kisses...

Random young girl came up to me as I was walking outside, "You were sooooo good!" That gave me the most surprise and warmth. I Looove to inspire young girls to achieve and soar!

We felt so good, from the moment we were done on stage, we were hugging each other and exclaiming, "Wow, we did freaking awesome! Freaking killed it!!!!"

And yes, we are The Famous Wednesday Adult Band that people have been talking about and will continue to talk about! 😎

I'm so proud of myself because of all the work I've put into, and the respect and love, friendship, we fostered among the bandmates. 

Guess we will, Rock On! 

darkness

hands tied behind the back

knives pierced into the chest

blood dripping down the legs

can't move

can't scream

can't breathe

they broke me into pieces

and threw me into darkness

no one knows

no one hears

no one cares

 

in complete solitude

I'm dissolving

disappearing

no time to say hello

no time to bid farewell

can't remember the eyes

almost forget the kisses

in muted loneliness

I'm disfiguring

departing

I thought I could soar

but I was not allowed to

exist

Show's around the corner

Had dress rehearsal on Wednesday, all the other songs were pretty solid, except "Come sail away". Completely fucked up the piano part, because I was still not so familiar with it! Barely memorized the song form, not solid at memorizing details at all. Directors wanted a second try on this song, did pretty okay then.

But how I came back and mugged it all up! 

The piano notes are quite easy, hence I didn't spend enough time on it throughout this season. At least I practiced a lot of on vocal lead songs and remembered all the lyrics of  "Crazy on you", "Feels like the first time" and "Hammer to fall"... 

Now I'm more comfortable with "Come sail away", I think I'm somehow ready for Saturday...

Show after show, I think I did grow a lot over all, especially on playing my part in sync to band mates. More to it is fun. We chat, we joke, we practice, we learn together! 

Most of us are staying in the same group for the coming Funk season, will be so funky and fun!  

How I love playing music... 🥰😊

After the show, and before new assignment of funk songs, 

Imma have time to play some of my own music again!

Intern

An overly dressed man always stands out on the street in Berkeley. This is not NYC. 

Our eyes met for a few seconds, a lot was exchanged. 

You think you are wealthy and charming, fine taste on top of skills and experiences, you can consume whatever you desire, especially fit young girls who look like interns, best if they are exotic species. All girls long for older, classy men, don't they not? 

But sir, aren't we twins who sync? Thinking the exact same! Only difference is that I'm generally too shy to come out of my disguise, and I have different looks on various occasions. You might think I'm a new intern, but I have been interning in a wide range of offices for most of my career years. I did whatever they asked. I'll do whatever you demand, if I'm willing to accept your offer.

You think the world is run by you, and you are better than those close-minded because you are kind enough to appreciate all species, inferiors too. You feel exceptionally terrific about yourself when you can enjoy the exotic kind.  

Well, sir, to that, I'd have to pause and applaud you. That's some brainy stuff there. Although I don't know what it feels like when my living room is not filled with actual geniuses, have a MacArthur fellow genius grant recipient as my lifelong mentor too who happens to be the kindest human being. But to you, no matter how attracted at the moment, I'll be staying in your "disposable" category. Aren't we twins who sync, sir? Thinking the exact same!

Only difference is that I don't wear out "wealthy and charming" as my self wealth, I don't count and I don't remember the numbers. I got no time and no interest for that. 

I do dress up though, I dress up to please, to make them feel good, isn't that wonderful, sir? 

It's still a pleasant day with pleasing weather, do you not agree? Why not have a cup of tea and chill a bit, the world can run by itself for a second. 

Rose garden

Jan and Feb are going to be good. Last year this time was also my high time working. 

Parents arrived in Oct, but Oct was the beginning of a long festival season. Durga puja, Diwali, Halloween, Thanksgiving, winter break/ Holidays... I worked, but not as much as I wanted. 

Prof had been traveling also. Only met him several times since Oct. Now finally, he stays in the office, and the next travel will be at the very end of Feb. 

I like it a lot when I am not entirely alone in the office. I like to bug prof with questions and then turn them into lengthy discussions, all sorts of random discussions. And it will end up with prof excitedly showing me site traffic analytics and praising how my work gave the site life. Now, we are often at the top of Google searches, especially with new words. I like to look into what's been discussed and create my own selection, and most of them got super hot.  

I also like it when I come to the office at least two times a week. I get to go to Funky Yoga two times a week and sometimes even go for the 1.5-hour. 

The only thing is that prof likes to boil water repeatedly, without changing to fresh water, because he likes hot water for tea. I am terrified by it, over boiled water has a baaad taste. So whenever I need to use the boiler, I quietly dump everything and refill it with fresh water...

I watched the roses outside my window come and go, bloom and die. 

My mom would pack my lunch that she woke up at 5-6am to make, with a variety of fruits. Raj looked at the bag full of fruits and laughed at how spoiled I was. He gets a whole bag of freshly made lunch from my mom, Indian cuisine. He also gets coffee and fruit smoothies made by me, who is more spoiled?   

Parents will be going back to China mid Mar. Guess I have approximately two months left to enjoy the chillness of life. It will all go back to chaos and sleeplessness very soon. All I would do the whole day is cook, clean, arrange, wipe, wash, fold, grocery, Uber, nap in the car, and shout at the kids... Don't ask me why I won't be able to write poems or think about anything romantic then. Sometimes, you just can't escape fate...

The rose plants outside my window are getting through winter's tail and ready for spring bloom. The owner of this cluster of restaurants and units tends to the flowers himself, caring for them like his own children. Each plant has a unique name. Prof and I sometimes stood inside our unit and admired the owner's dedication.     

If you really love something, you would want them to bloom as much as they could, in their own time, with your endless care and attention. These roses are lucky.  

My mom packed dumplings for me today, she made them from scratch. And one apple, one orange, one pear, with some sweet gao she steamed yesterday. 

Love letter

"Those deep in love will not be able to tolerate the harm of love, life, and freedom caused by an unjust society, and that tear is heavier than this world."

"It's only one generation's sacrifice to come forward and fight for freedom, but it will be countless generations to pay for the price of willingly being enslaved."

"In reality, (my) love letter can be seen worldwide except for one person."

 

致爱人邹幸彤

卿卿如晤，第一次知道这四个字，是在读中学时，课文收录了林觉民的《与妻书》，意映卿卿如晤，親愛的妳，我要離開妳，革命去了。年纪尚幼的那时，理解不了“遍地腥羶、滿街狼犬”的专制时代是什么样子，需要毅然决然地告别所爱的人去反抗。 

那一年，我们突然被明白了，原来如此，原来如此！那一天起，我们整整一代人没有了青春。这时才知道“汝幸而偶我，又何不幸而生今日之中國；吾幸而得汝，又何不幸而生今日之中國？卒不能獨善其身！”是何等的沉痛，才明白深于情、挚于爱者，必不能忍受一个不公义的社会对爱、生命、自由的伤害，那一滴泪比这个世界更沉重。觉民先生及先辈们深知，挺身而出爭取自由，只是一代人付出代价，甘于被奴役，却是无数代付出代价。 

而见字如面现在也无比的艰难。在安徒生的世界里，新装除了一人，全世界都看不见。现实世界里，情人的情书除了一人，全世界都看得见。在这个比冬天更肃杀的极端时候，我的阳光依然要挣扎着穿过高墙照亮你昏暗的牢房。 

野渡

Conversation

"Do you know about this new Google product, Notebooklm? Check this out!... Isn't this amazing? Now, the analysts I hired use this tool to generate reports for me!"

"Okay... Wow... Congratulations... I guess... Sorry that I'm in a completely different world recently, I just don't get excited by these products... You want to know what I'm thinking?"

"Tell me."

"You know humans are going towards self-destruction right? This path is paved by products like this - AI, robotics, neurochips, integration of physical form and data, you name it. Based on my recent meditations (btw, prof started to meditate daily in a facility in Berkeley, I might want to try it out too), this path was laid when human societies gradually shaped into patriarchal structures. It has been a long way, but surely it's coming. We are at the dawn to witness it. The destruction, I mean."

"Well..."

"It is precisely your world, you don't realize it? It is your world, it's not my world. This whole world we are living in is 100% based on male perceptions and experiences. It's formed as how it is wired in male humans' brains." 

"Okay..."

"I am completely lost in it, don't you see? I'm lost because the languages my brain could use to express myself, the logical patterns there for me to pick up, and the extent of emotions to apply myself to are all based on your brains, not ours. I am lost in your brains! I have no language of myself, I have no logic of myself, I do not know the extent of my emotions."

"Hmmm..."

"And precisely because our societies are based on human males' brains, the future is moving towards even worse detachment from nature, from true connections like human to human physical and emotional connections, human to living being physical and emotional connections, and human to spiritual connections. Eventually, we will all turn into metals with digital data centers. We will exploit other planets and extract more metals to propagate. We will transform into this giant metal empire that ultimately becomes the most significant threat to the universe, to all living things in the universe." 

"Okay..."

"I am lost, but I am trying to think..."

"What do you think?"

"Re-imagine. Re-imagine a world that is based on our brains. A world is opposite to patriarchy, not precisely matriarchy but not patriarchy."

"What could be different?"

"EVERYTHING!"

"Some examples?"

"Ya, this is what Imma think for the next long period of time, and write. This gonna be one part of my novel, some kinda a foundation..."

"Cool..."

"Obviously, everything is going to be different. It's a parallel reality. For example, the concept of ownership, owning, is not going to be there. Instead, human societies share resources in the most natural way. Private ownership is one of the most significant features of patriarchy. Materials, living things, lands, us women and kids all belong to men, we are all your property. But it doesn't need to be this way. Ownership sits on top of the pyramid; emotions such as jealousy, envy, insecurity, doubt of self-worth, etc, are derived from it; societal realities such as inequality, exploitation, cruelty, indifference, etc, are derived from it. When humans look deep into themselves, they easily find greed, fear, and weakness, which are mainly male human traits! Have you ever tried to imagine if female humans ruled over and when we looked into ourselves, what would we find?"

"What do you think?"

"Deeper connections into ourselves and our existing world, with all living things. There is a loooot to dive into, and Imma recreate a new world in my mind and my sci-fi novel."

"Wow..."

"Okay...Thank you for introducing me to the new Google product lol, I'll try it out soon..."

Smoking

Obviously, I don't smoke. 

I'm pretty much French, 

Qui 

(in the sense of women's liberty in mind and body), 

but haven't gone so far as to be a real smoker.

2007, when I was first in France, 

smoking indoors was freshly banned earlier that year. 

Or else I might be nurtured into a smoker by friends...

Raj used to hate it when I occasionally smoked; 

he would snatch off my cigarette in front of people 

and throw away the packages in my closet.

I had a perfectly healthy body to be impregnated 

and gave birth to two perfectly healthy babies. 

Absolutely no difficulty in getting pregnant

 (both on the first month of try), 

and 100% free from any pregnancy or birth complications.

Almost went into depression after the second one was born, 

Raj was away traveling 200 days out of 365. 

Those few times smoking in my car while driving alone aimlessly, 

I will never forget the feeling of de-stress and relief.

I don't know why sometimes smoking with friends when outing feels nice. 

Liberating? 

Do whatever harmful stuff you want to your body? 

Because smoking causes cancer and birth defects? 

And we are not only birthing machines?

Sometimes people just do things that feel good momentarily. 

And yes, it does feel good. 

The sense of bonding, the sense of sisterhood, the sense of gangster shit. 

It does feel good. 

So ya, guess from now one more "must-have" will be added to our girls' night out.

Plus, Leena was a biiiiiiig smoker when she was young and wild. 

Finally, she is gradually returning to her original unobtainable form. 

We don't live for any of them,

 we live for ourselves. 

Whoever gives a side eye, 

they can pretty much, 

kindly, 

go fuck themselves. 

Ethics

I know people might think women like me, who claim to be "breaking all rules", "deconstructing the foundation of existing social structures", etc, must be inclined to do "wrong" things. Well, that depends on how you define "wrong and right".  

The ongoing story of two band members who I even once thought, "Wow, how I 'envy' them 'falling in love' like that", was not going to end well from the beginning. 

Because it is not ethical, there were innocent wife and daughters involved. 

Yes, ethics is essential for women/people like me who are trying to challenge social norms.

From when I first entered the dating scene in Xiamen U before 20, I had never played games with boys, never wasted any men's time, emotion, or money, and never hurt even one girl/woman. Despite how my parents used to try pressuring me into submission - "Make them wait, make several good ones wait while you pick the most promising one!" Considering the massive number of proposals that have come to my hands each day for all these years, I am damn proud of myself who failed this game miserably according to social norms. That's why all those men remain respectful to me, even after two decades. 

Actually, since 2nd or 3rd grade, I was surrounded by boys' love and affection. Never toyed with any one of them, not even one. I have stayed sincere and respectful to all since I was a child. I just kept saying very sincere "sorry"s. I made sure it was loud and clear, "I'm sorry, I don't like you. You are a nice boy, thank you for liking me, but please don't send me flowers or letters or follow me anymore." Most of the time, I have girls who help me pass the messages. 

I have stayed 100% true to myself as well. If I liked someone, I would let them know. They would know. I do my part, direct and straightforward, leaving them to choose and do their part.      

Is it a hard thing to do? Some people just couldn't follow through?

For me, you would need to kill me to make me hurt another woman.

I Would Never! 

I tell myself all the time -- "Never Ever Hurt Another Woman!" It's so ingrained in my brain that it has become a natural reflex.

Of course, I have been presented with profound opportunities that could hurt some wives and daughters at home. I can six-sense it from two miles away and have already decided how to escape two days prior! That mental preparation always made escape 10x easier, and I would never be caught in the moment. Hey, I had rehearsed it!

You think it's that easy? Trapping the 20-something me? I would never hurt another woman! Don't even think! Aren't we all victims of this patriarchal world?

Now, the 40-something me? Ha! I choose the time, location, people, and encounters based on my own standards, and I proactively plan everything that will happen. Stronger than ever, I hold the ethics that I would never hurt another woman, and I would never hurt any man either, young or old. Finally, I am at the age that I can choose not only to feel like a victim but also to be a protector. I guess I have been a protector all along, even as a victim. 

It's unnecessary for all stories to "end well", but if you are assertive about your ethics, you can always answer to yourself. If there are hard feelings, heartbreaks, or disappointments, you can get through it much more manageable. 

There is so much to do in this wide, wild world; there are so many beautiful, ethical people out there waiting to share a mutually respectful time with you. 

You gotta choose well and make each step clean. Don't lay the stones for regret. 

Citizenship

Finally I got it, 16 years after we decided to settle and 17 years after I first stepped foot on this "promised" land. 

It could be decades of waiting and decades of lingering, I don't care. But it was one year too late. One year too late. 

My popo couldn't wait for me to return. 

Now I don't remember how much I cried last year, for months. 

Time does heal. Especially for me. 

I just wipe it out, throw it away. Cause it is too hard to carry along the pain and guilt. 

I made a choice. I chose my kids, I was unwilling to risk returning to China and walking into the claws of the authoritarian regime. 

It was my own pain and my own guilt. 

All I wished for was my popo's complete understanding and forgiveness before she passed. 

I turned into a sorceress, channeling my ability to connect across space. And I believed that my popo heard it. 

At least, so I believed. 

I have established a life here, in this comparably "free and promised" land, so my children and their children do not need to go through what I went through.

Does time truly heal, though? Did I truly put all of it behind me?

Every time, we have to lock up the Momo who feels too much. Too much affection, too strong connection, too intense pain. All those beautiful stories and fateful heartbreaks.

Some of them Momos have been in the dungeon for years, we don't wish to check them up, only prepare to put them back immediately if they ever attempt to escape. 

That's the only way we function, as one singular entity. 

So tell us, if time does heal?

Now I've got it, I wish to enter the territories I was forbidden or had massive trouble entering before: Taiwan, Japan, Korea, Europe, UK, and many more.  

Monogamy

"The history of monogamy is rooted in the major human shift from hunter-gatherer societies to the agricultural revolution around 10,000 years ago. With settled farming, male labor became essential, and land inheritance gained importance, leading to the rise of patriarchy. As communities grew more established, the focus on inheritance and property rights created a need to control lineage to ensure resources stayed within a family. This marked a shift from more communal, flexible relationships—where paternity was less relevant, as children were raised collectively—to stricter, monogamous unions where men’s lineage and control over women’s sexuality became central. 

As societies grew larger and more hierarchical, lineage became critical for stable governance, with power transferring from ruler to offspring. Too many heirs often led to conflict, so a controlled family structure became essential. With the expansion of empires like Rome, and later through European colonization, the importance of regulating family structures only intensified. Religion then reinforced these ideas, framing monogamy as the “moral” standard and embedding it deeply into social expectations. Today, nearly every culture has adopted monogamy as the norm, often forgetting its origins in controlling resources and power rather than any inherent truth about relationships."

My perfect kind of nightlife

Sometimes Raj complains that I go out too often with girl friends and leave him behind.

How do I explain to him that having girl friends who are at the same level of openness and wildness as oneself is as lucky as having a good life partner(s)? 

And to that luckiness, I am so grateful for my blessings because I got 1, 2, 3, 4 (Leena, Sandra, Sony, Kanika) Four freaking wild women with me. And that too, is only my "vanilla" friends...

For the past almost 16 years of my life in America, my trips with only female friends/family ranked as among the best trips or experiences ever. 

Three is the magic number. Three beautiful women. Wherever we go, we get special treatment. Well, two beautiful women as well, to be honest. Haven't done a four-woman trip yet. I believe if I go by myself anywhere, it will be the same, maybe even crazier... 

(Guess women who dare to enjoy and experience life as it is are too rare.)

For example, last night, we were asked to step aside while standing in line and were invited to the "Guest List" to enter the club for free. They also gave us a table because it was available. We got hit at each and every bar/club we went to, one place multiple times, and also when we were smoking outside.

No need to mention when traveling in a different country, it is especially convenient, fun, and exotic... 

Meanwhile, Raj only gets this kind of fun when he is with me...

Of course, I will never give up fun with my girl friends. I love it so much getting drunk and high with them. We took 5 + 5mg and at least 5 rounds of shots last night. We were happy high, dancing to music old and new.

I looooove the dance floor with ma girls, because they are open, wild, understanding and kind, they desire to be free and they are free. Hence, I can be carefree and don't need to worry about whether they feel comfortable. I get to be myself.

I love being with women who enjoy life. 

My Best Best feeling is when I am high in my head and free in my body and in my spirit, surrounded by people who are as happy and free as me. We just drink, dance, smoke, dance, and drink/smoke some more. And take some photos and videos in between. :-P

"Beyond Good and Evil"

Supposing that Truth is a woman - what then? Is there not ground for suspecting that all philosophers, in so far as they have been dogmatists, have failed to understand women -- that the terrible seriousness and clumsy importunity with which they have usually paid their addresses to Truth, have been unskilled and unseemly methods for winning a woman?

Certainly she has never allowed herself to be won; and at present every kind of dogma stands with sad and discouraged mien - IF, indeed, it stands at all! For there are scoffers who maintain that it has fallen, that all dogma lies on the ground - nay more, that it is at its last gasp.

But to speak seriously, there are good grounds for hoping that all dogmatizing in philosophy, whatever solemn, whatever conclusive and decided airs it has assumed, may have been only a noble puerillism and tyronism; and probably the time is at hand when it will be once and again understood WHAT has actually sufficed for the basis of such imposing and absolute philosophical edifices as the dogmatists have hitherto reared: perhaps some popular superstition of immemorial time (such as the soul-superstition, which, in the form of subject - and ego-superstition, has not yet ceased doing mischief): perhaps some play upon words, a deception on the part of grammar, or an audacious generalization of very restricted very personal, very human -- all too-human fact.

The philosophy of the dogmatists, it is to be hoped, was only a promise for thousands of years afterwards, as was astrology in still earlier times, in the service of which probably more labour, gold, acuteness, and patience have been spent than on any actual science hitherto: we owe to it, and to its "super-terrestrial" pretensions in Asia and Egypt, the grand style of architecture. 

It seems that in order to inscribe themselves upon the heart of humanity with everlasting claims, all great things have first to wander about the earth as enormous and awe-inspiring caricatures: dogmatic philosophy has been a caricature of this kind - for instance, the Vedanta doctrine in Asia, and Platonism in Europe. 

Let us not be ungrateful to it, although it must certainly be confessed that the worst, the most tiresome and the most dangerous of errors hitherto has been a dogmatism error -- namely, Plato's invention of pure Spirit and the Good in Itself. 

But now when it has been surmounted, when Europe, rid of this nightmare, can again draw breath freely and at least enjoy a healthier sleep, we, WHOSE DUTY IS WAKEFULNESS ITSELF, are the heirs of all the strength which the struggle against this error has fostered. It amounted to the very inversion of truth, and the denial of the PERSPECTIVE - the fundamental condition - of life, to speak of Spirit and the God as Plato spoke of them; indeed one might ask, as a physician: "How did such a malady attack the finest product of antiquity, Plato? Had the wicked Socrates really corrupted him? Was Socrates after all a corrupted of youths, and deserved his hemlock?" 

But the struggle against Plato, or -- to speak plainer, and for the "people" -- the struggle against the ecclesiastical oppression of millenniums of Christianity (FOR CHRISTIANITY IS PLATONISM FOR THE "PEOPEL"), produced in Europe a magnificent tension of soul, such as had not existed anywhere previously; with such a tensely strained bow one can now aim at the furthest goals. 

As a matter of fact, the European feels this tension as a state of distress, and twice attempts have been made in grand style to unbend the bow: once by means of Jesuitism, and the second time by means of democratic enlightenment -- which, with the aid of liberty of the press and newspaper reading, might, in fact, bring it about so that the spirit would not so easily find itself in "distress"! 

(The Germans invented gunpowder -- all credit to them! But they again made things square -- they invented printing.) But we, who are neither Jesuits, nor democrats, nor even sufficiently Germans, we GOOD EUROPEANS, and free, VERY free spirits -- we have it still, all the distress of spirit and all the tension of its bow! And perhaps also the arrow, the duty, and who knows? THE GOAL TO AIM AT...

Sils Maris Upper Engadine,

June, 1885