By the end of the third feminist movement, around the end of the 2020s, a large number of women had collectively woken up.
"What is a woman?" Women were accustomed to being defined, molded, and confined within a certain perimeter.
The definition of women was primarily established by men throughout human history, as they were viewed as being intended for sexual satisfaction, domestic companionship, and childbearing.
Therefore, the process of defining "what is a woman" was intertwined with determining the specific roles men needed women to play, which best served them: wife, mother, daughter, sister, older or younger relative, lover, neighbor, maid, female friend, female student, female professional — each came with a menu elaborating on what was considered "good" and "bad", according to men's established social status and convenience.
At its center was a woman's relationship to a man who could claim ownership of a majority of her life: her husband.
Therefore, "what is a woman" was constrained mainly to the box of "what is a good wife" or "what is a good wife-to-be."
Feminism, in its first three movements, was predominantly a struggle for freedom, specifically within the confines of the "ideal wife" or certain social roles predefined by men.
Starting from the fourth wave, women garnered enough wisdom and strength to crack open the rusting box and recreate their self-image.
Below is the English translation of some Women's Day promotion ads on the outdoor screen at a mall in Chengdu, China.
I like that!
"Growing without definition" -- I especially like that!
"Growing without definition" -- this should apply to any human being! Why put your sons, daughters, nephews, nieces, and grandchildren into tiny dark boxes that "society" picks for you? Who is this authoritative "society" guy? What can he offer? What else can he offer us besides misery, exploitation, and desperation? Sounds like we should rid him right this moment!
Any sacred being given life in this universe deserves to grow in whatever way it chooses, as long as it's in harmony with itself, nature, and its surroundings. And that, my friend, is the ultimate truth in this universe; anything else is simply bullshit, which is fabricated to amass power and establish control over you.
We were so indoctrinated growing up. Even before our births, we were pre-defined and pre-assigned based on where, when, who, and how our inherited family was. The break of social classes was unimaginable until recently. But after a mere few hundred years, people again find themselves amid worsening cases of class solidification. Sharing what they possess is far from being considered essential to the core social structure. In contrast, in this current setup done by men from history to now, possessing and owning only is the core.
Even among all men, they couldn't sort out a better system that would avoid or reduce conflicts and wars for tens of thousands of years. Women, we are merely objects for them to own and possess.
Hence why? Why should this society exert such power and control over me? Why should it impose, and why should I accept its definition of me? And if I reject their definition of me, I should reject their definition of love, affection, relationship, fulfillment, and all.
Henceforth, I should only experience what's left in my journey here without presumption and anticipation; I should measure the depth and meaningness of my time here with nothing this society could offer. I might still be the object that gets owned and passed around; I might never be able to recreate a system where I'm 100% free. But my mind, my spirit, you can't bend.
"Growing without definition" -- I especially like that!
You don't have to be a flower, you can be a thorny bush, born sharp.
You don't have to be a flower, you can be a weed, growing wantonly.
You don't have to be a flower, you can be a pea, forever alive.
You don't have to be a flower, you can be a Houttuynia Cordata, never pander.
You don't have to be a flower, you can be a flower, a tree, flowing water, a bird, anything and everything.
I wish you grow to your heart's desire, growing without definition and without constraints.
2 books about friendship and being kind, today's storytime for my daughter's TK class. Both are on the list of my favorites. Both of them have leading characters in all male forms.
While obviously, I can't change the gender of the alien boy and the Earth boy, I was able to change the gender of the leading character Giraffe into a girl hero who saved the boy Crocodile.
Pretty sure if I read as what the books printed - all major roles as boys, the girls in the class would unconsciously take home the cognition that females are way less relevant in all storytellings.
Why? Because they truly love the stories and would remember them for a long long time, because the stories taught them to be open-minded, to be kind, and friendly.
Can you understand now why we say women from birth to adulthood face subtle gender discrimination in all aspects and the strikes on their self-worth come from all sorts of overlooked details?
And the efforts to undermine that foundation so women could rewrite their fate to be unapologetically worthy as men, if allowed, should be enduring and earnest.
Apr. 4th
After finishing their art project, a little time left for the table to read a book. They wanted me to so I started reading. 3 girls listened together with me reading out loud. "The hungry little caterpillar".
"He was this, he was that, he did that, he did this..." after a few pages I felt bad because good picture stories have been largely stories about "He".
If there was a "She" at the center of the story, most probably a cute pretty princess or unicorn. Especially so with the old picture books in the classroom, donated a long time ago.
So I said, "hmmm, you know what, caterpillar could be a girl too, there are boy and girl caterpillars both." Then I changed all "he" into "she". The 3 girls instantly lighted up, as if they were suddenly relevant. "She was not little anymore, she became a fat and big caterpillar!" The girls all giggled.
On the last page, "she" turned into a beautiful butterfly, "how beautiful she is right? You are too, as beautiful as this butterfly!" I believe the girls would now believe in it, much more than when the story was about a "he" caterpillar.
"Blind Mountain" (《盲山》), director Li Yang's internationally acclaimed movie about how a college girl was kidnapped and human trafficked thousands of miles away from home, into a remote mountain region. The girl ended up being a sex slave, brutally beaten, raped, and abused by the men and women there.
The movie was based on a prominent phenomenon in China, a reality. A few days ago director Li Yang announced that he gave up the full copyright of this movie, everyone can watch it for free, so to be educated by the ongoing cruelty in China against humanity.
There are, at today's age, 20k to 70k children and women each year in China, kidnapped and sold to remote areas.
A significant amount of them are girls, sold to be sex slaves and "wives"/birthing tools. There are literally woman/girl retail markets in the remote areas in China. You can see in some photos, women and girls youngest 13 years old, holding price tags in their hands, chained up by hands and legs, ready to be purchased.
Human trafficking retail market
Right before the 2022 winter Olympics, a case broke out that shocked the whole China. In the city of Xu Zhou, a woman was filmed (the "husband" has been making himself famous on Douyin by being a "father of 8 children", a lot of people started to donate winter clothes to his children. One vlogger went to film how the children were receiving the donations, accidentally filmed the chained-up mother. After the case exploded on the internet, the government sealed up the whole village in spite of the intensive efforts of people trying to visit the abused woman) chained by her neck in a filthy shed, with only 2 teeth left, mentally ill, gave birth to 8 children... It was suspected that she was brutally beaten and sexually abused on daily basis by many men in the neighborhood/family, resulting in mental illness and teeth loss.
During the 15 years being there, she gave birth to 8 children, 7 boys 1 girl, a chained-up-by-the-neck birthing tool in the year 2022. A perfect image of a true China you are not seeing in the news.
As of today, Xu Zhou local officials finally admitted that this 38-year old woman was human trafficked and sold at the age of 13. This admission came after several rounds of lying and completely false statements, claiming that the marriage between the woman and man was legal. It was also a result of built-up anger and sentiments from the public.
By the way, the "husband" did go ahead continuing to use the "fame" of "father of 8 children" to make money in Douyin (Tiktok Chinternet version), even after the exposure.
This is in fact a very prominent phenomenon in China, there are well-executed chains of human trafficking that are protected by local officials, polices, and ordinary villagers. Sometimes as high as 40%-50% of "wives" in remote villages are bought from other provinces. Three brothers in one family all having purchased wives is very common.
My whole life, I was scared of human traffickers, scared of being kidnapped and sold. We were taught to trust no one, believe in nothing. Taught to be always on alert and ready to fight and escape. When I was pregnant, sometimes I even almost got panic attacks just by imagining the possible harm on my children's way. I never ever would allow my children to be out of my sight, even living here in America. Because of the fear I had while growing up. The fear we all had as girls and women.
The regime is so advanced on using facial recognition, filled-in-each-street-corner cameras, cutting-edge online censorship, and superior-to-its-peers public-opinion-control mechanism, they're so advanced on using internet surveillance, DNA database, big data analysis, extensive tracking, hacking such digital totalitarianism tools to monitor and control each citizen's body temperature, outdoor tracks, and social interaction in accordance to "zero infection rate" pandemic policies; to monitor and control what each of its citizens could think and speak - within minutes, police could show up on your door if you post any "anti-China" words in social media, even just private chats with individuals or in groups, or at the least, your online accounts would be deleted or suspended forever, whatever you posted would be disappeared within minutes.
Yet, this regime is not able to (or not willing to? not giving a shit to?) help solve the problem of human trafficking and children kidnapping. For decades and decades, millions of Chinese families have been broken down and dismantled, heartlessly in the cruelest way humans could ever imagine.
And this is the true fate of the people under an authoritarian/totalitarian regime, where citizens are merely the tools and subjects of the reign, deprived of fundamental rights and liberty.
ya I never wear bras!!! Too small to needing a bra to hold anything and I can't breathe just because of the thought of something is there to tie my chest. If yours big and heavy, obviously you need support, people like me, why the heck I need to wear bra? And why the heck do I care how "others" feel what I wear and what I don't wear? Did anyone pay for my clothing?? Lol
1. Alibaba is not a single case, it's phenomenal, it reflects exactly what Chinese society is. It's called the "Dinner Table Culture" where men telling "yellow jokes"(sex jokes) all the time on the face of everyone, and treating women as sex resources. [I mean I grew up listening to sex jokes on the dinner table when my parents taking me out with their friends, the worst thing was seeing all those old men and women talking about vaginas and prostitutes, I mean you wouldn't hear the words but you knew what they were implying, I always felt like throwing up, but that's the culture. Similar culture can be found in South Korea, and Chinese culture influenced places].
2. And what Chinese society really is is not only inequality and exploitation of women as sex resources, it also shows that there is no law and order to protect people's fundamental rights. It's not a modern society built on social contracts and laws, there is no concept of Universal Values which are followed by most modern societies, there is no social structure to restrict individuals' grasp of power. When it is common for high profile CCP officials to have 100, 200, 500 mistresses, it's not about the physical or mental needs of those individuals, but about possession and exploitation of sex resources. And feminism would never go anywhere in the land that is barbarian and lawless. Women would stay as a resource, either is for sexual pleasure or reproduction purposes.
What a legendary woman! I am completely awed by her strength and wisdom.
I believe what she experienced while growing up back then, that degree of sexism and sexual discrimination in both subtle and coarse ways, led to the most regrettable moment in her life - “leaving me out of it”. A decision led by impulsive thought processes that were baked up unconsciously over the years under a fundamentally hostile environment for women. Deep down, self-confidence and reassurance were slowly stripped away without noticing.
I believe what she did after Cisco was all highly related to or directly resulted from the Cisco trauma - realizing her powers as a woman, making loud noises, as a woman.
We are able to understand this now, only because things have changed drastically for women, we have landed in a somewhat completely different landscape. [ Or not? ]
As we are pushing forward on this path, I believe what’s equally, even more, important to unleashing the inner strength of women, is the “fundamental fairness and decency of men”. Why? Because from the beginning till now, men have always been the dominant force of human beings.
And of course, there are many dimensions to her story, one lesson for all of the new entrepreneurs: Never let the investors take over what you built! Actually, in today’s entrepreneurial world, that piece of knowledge has already been carved into the foundation stones, thanks to the predecessors who had suffered.
Sandy: “You know I’ve already decided my epitaph that has one word on it, what do you think it is?”
[Interestingly, in China we have a similar saying "light skin conceals three flaws" (一白遮三丑). While in Japan it conceals seven flaws, I am wondering why in China it conceals some four flaws less...
Actually, the whole sentence is "一白遮三丑，一胖毁所有" the latter means "if you are fat, that destroys EVERYTHING!" Imagine growing up all these rotten-old demeaning bullshit sayings were deeply carved into your mind and soul.... well, luckily not mine.....]
Don't know when Aditi started to be aware of different skin colors and the different weights behind them. I caught her calling me "my white skin mommy, I like your color". I was like "What?! No no, first of all, mommy is yellow to be exact, yellow like the sun and moon, secondly, mommy prefers your brown skin, brown like the sun and moon!...."
I thought I prepared her well, I have been praising her skin color from day one. I would kiss her all over, telling her "mommy loves your skin color, it's a bit darker than mine, but I rather have yours."
The reason for doing that? White Supremacy exists in the most unexpected trivial matters that could unconsciously but strongly diminish a young mind's self-esteem.
I've heard enough stories, especially for girls.
I indeed a few times caught some girls in school comparing each other's skin color if "yours is whiter or mine is whiter". You have to admit, the majority of Asians still prefer whiter skin and if the mommies are comparing each other among themselves, their daughters learn that behavior.
To deal with this head-wrenching matter? Thank God our VP is Kamala Harris. Aditi by now has developed a strong sense of self-pride because of the way we look up to our VP and the way our VP looks, the same brown as Aditi's. This fact gives my daughter so much self-reassurance, it would weigh down the white-loving tendency among her peers much more efficiently than a mommy's "maybe blind" love to her daughter.
A sign of moving forward, no? I'm still waiting to see a black/brown/yellow/rainbow/white/anything Female president of America in my lifetime.
I'm a hard-core feminist, I have never hesitated to announce it to my friends and family, strangers in the bar, and the vast internet.
Feminist and feminism, a term being so twisted by the society that still deeply poisoned by patriarchal mindsets, never stopped being relevant to the progress and prosperity of society and humanity. Even after 200-300 years when it was first established.
Why? Because women today still being systemically discriminated against, widely harassed and their rights of being an equally important individual constantly violated.
I was sexually violated at the age of 8, then 12, then 27. Those are major violations that changed my personality and surely the course of my life. Small day-to-day violations are just uncountable...
I'm 36 now, my old scars left me easily stressed and agitated, and I found myself worrying about being raped or harassed constantly, no matter what I do, where I go, or who I'm with.
Some trust once was lost, was lost for good.
And all the women I know, had been sexually harassed in one way or another. You heard it right - ALL The women I know in person. The majority of them had a changed personality or temperament because of the severity of the violation.
My stories compared to what some of them had been through (rape, attempted rape, forced intercourse, violence, physical and emotional abuse...) almost sound like nothing.
But I sure went through a dark full 10 years to recover from my violations before my formative years. It was surely a decade filled with fear, doubts, nightmares, screaming, and tears.
Now you see me openly talking about feminism, sexual violence and all that, because I'm fully recovered. You don't see them talking about their stories, because they might never be recovered.
So tell me why we don't still need feminism in this world?
This time we are celebrating the traditional festival of Karva Chauth. This is the map of North India, not exactly covers the states where Karva Chauth is celebrated, but the difference is only by one or two states, that’s why I’m using this map (sorry I don’t know how to make my own map yet), I am also listing the states where this festival is celebrated on the right side of the map.
This is a very important festival in North India. It’s a women’s festival, celebrating the love between husband and wife. Wives would pray for the long-life and well-being of their husbands, they also fast for one whole day from sunrise to moonrise.
Yes you heard it right, wives fast and pray for the long life and health of their husbands. How lucky to be the husband right? Exactly my thought! My first impression was that, because in North India usually women’s rights were more oppressed (compared to the South), that’s why this festival was more prominent. And the people who were celebrating it were unconsciously falling into the trap of Patriarchalism.
Think about it, why only the wives have to fast and pray for the long-life of husbands, right? Why husbands didn’t need to pray for the health of wives, right? For me, it reflected the unbalanced power in the relationship, manifesting the dominant role of husbands in the family.
As a hard-core feminist, also as someone's first time hearing about this festival, in the beginning, it was not easy for me to accept this festival as it was. I was worried that with the celebration, women’s rights were violated, at least the current husband-wife status quo in the North was going to be enhanced, which would ultimately hamper the progress of the feminism movement.
Drawing from my own understanding, I was also afraid that women were damaging their health by fasting, and some households might be forcing their daughter-in-laws to fast, so as to save money on her food. Coming out from China, I am very familiar with how a patriarchal society looks: sisters always get less than brothers, less food, fewer toys, fewer clothes, lower in both quantity and money-value, daughters usually get way less investment in their education and development, compared to sons.
It was much easier for me, a person who was not native to Indian culture, to accept festivals that featured the power of Goddesses like Durga Puja, Kali Puja and Lakshmi Puja etc, but not festivals like Karva Chauth.
Actually my own in-law family doesn’t celebrate this festival, because they reside in the East part of India (although there are similar festivals like this I’m sure). The reason this festival got into my life was, a lot of my friends were from the North part of India.
November 2018 when I was in Delhi traveling, I joined a Karva Chauth prayer gathering with my friend, as well as participated in the celebration party hosted by my cousin sister-in-law later in the night. November 2019 I was at home in California, my neighbor is a Delhi girl, she and her friends hosted the prayer gathering and I was lucky enough to be invited.
My friend, the woman who took me for the first Karva Chauth function ever in my life, now she and her husband moved to San Francisco. This festival is very important in her family and culture, so this November, I also celebrated Karva Chauth with her. In fact, one week before Karva Chauth, my neighbor pinned me in WhatsApp to discuss this year’s celebration, it turned out that she and her friends all preferred to have the prayer by themselves, instead of gathering, due to the pandemic outbreak.
It seems like no matter if my in-law family celebrates Karva Chauth or not, I am going to celebrate with my friends here and there every year. Karva Chauth will be part of my adopted Hindu life anyway.
To be honest, for the past two years, I joined the events as an outsider and an observer, due to my curiosity. I fathomed, it was so fortunate to be invited into the authentic celebration of unfamiliar cultures, therefore one could really get into it, and understand it.
However I hadn’t done any fasting for both of the years. In fact, I hadn’t done any fasting for any of the Hindu festivals I ever participated in before. Simply because my in-law family never asked me to. Instead, my in-laws always urge me to eat on time and eat well, they love to see me take good care of my health. There were some events that required my mother-in-law to fast, some happened to be the time when she was here with us in America. She just did it quietly all by herself, never even bothered to tell me more details. When I asked, she said, “I am ok, I am old, it’s good to fast sometimes. But you are a baby, you are my child, so you don’t need to fast at all.”
This slightly obscure attitude toward mothers on fast seems to be kind of common nowadays in India, resulting from the ongoing feminist thinking awakening. A lot of people started questioning if letting their mothers fast is a truly good idea for their health since malnutrition and health negligence happens way more often to women, who are holding sharply lower social status than men.
During the prayer gathering for Karva Chauth, when I told my friends that I wasn’t fasting, they just replied “Oh ok” without further inquiry. Because it was completely my freedom, they respect it, just the same as I respect their freedom to fast.
Derived from my own prejudice, I subconsciously connected wives’ fasting and praying to behavior that is “subjected to sexism”. However, after observing my friends who truly enjoyed this festival, I started to question:
all of my female friends, like the friend who first introduced me to Karva Chauth, right before the prayer gathering, she was wearing a saree, all dressed up and driving a giant Jeep in the street of Delhi, showing full confidence (oh we had a lot of fun on this one). Her husband is a successful entrepreneur in Silicon Valley who founded a fast-growing startup, a rising star indeed, however, she didn’t rely on his help, but steadily built up her own organization, bringing the beautiful and rarely seen culture from her birthplace to the world, helping to mobilize and liberalize the women from the mountains.
And take a look at my cousin sister-in-law and her friends in Delhi, they are all working women, they all have their own professions, and are financially independent. My sister-in-law’s tall friend, this beautiful lady, has also been running for elections in Delhi, wishing to join politics. And according to my observation, their relationship with their husbands are equal and modern, as admirable as any happy couples I’ve seen in different parts of the world. Btw that’s the true face of the middle class in metropolitans in today’s India actually.
And my friends in America, these amazing ladies who all work in Silicon Valley’s high-tech companies, some of them in high-ranking management roles, almost all of them have Master’s degrees in technology or management.
And most importantly, they are all somewhat feminists (in or out of the closet feminists as I put it, like my husband, I call him In-the-Closet Feminist, who is still needing a bit time to come out of the closet, but judging from his behavior and thought patterns, yes, he is a feminist). Yes I talked with most of my female friends if I had a chance, very directly, as you know me, so I know.
Ok, hence my question is: my feminist friends, why they are willingly being subjected into the customs that are seemingly sexist? Why don't they feel it’s not Ok to fast and pray for the husband’s long-life, while the husband doesn’t need to do the same? Aren’t they feeling oppressed?
For the cultures and customs that one is not native to and not familiar with, just based on some shallow impressions, a lot of people tend to judge it from a “higher moral ground”. Perceiving oneself to be more liberal and more progressive, putting oneself into the mindset of a “savior”, a lot of people tend to impose their own opinions on others from different cultural backgrounds, without fully understanding the other cultures.
This is some fundamental human trait, a mistake that all of us humans keep making over and over again, throughout human history. Therefore, my early judgment on the festival of Karva Chauth, is it a prejudice built on misunderstanding and ignorance?
No matter what, I think I took the first step by asking questions and starting to think over.
As I was digging more into it, I gained more knowledge and understanding on the concept of Fasting:
1. First of all, I got myself familiar with the origin of the concept of Fasting: fasting exists in all of the major religions in the world - different branches of Christianity and Catholics, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddism etc etc. The Taoism that originated in China also required intense fasting to obtain immortality. Each religion has its own rules, what can one eat, what can not, is water allowed or not, which festivals require fasting, for how long, at what exact time etc etc.
Although there are derivatives of the method, the purpose of fasting tends to be similar across religions - obtaining purity in the body hence the spirit, so to better pray to or serve the god/ goddess. Gluttony (excess greed or lust for food) is considered to be a major sin across different religions.
2. Secondly, I realized fasting is only a form that has no indication to the core relationship between husband and wife. Because fasting is a religious behavior, it’s not pertained to gender, it’s surely not an act designed to keep women oppressed. The women who fast in Karva Chauth, the action of fasting itself, has no correlation to being anti-feminism.
But if the woman truly accepts her unequal family status and views her husband as godly and higher in command, if the woman truly believes that her well-being is less important than her husband’s, her existence is merely an extension to her husband’s. Then the celebration of Karva Chauth for that individual family, is soaked in sexism for sure.
However each family has its own situation, it could be completely different from each other. Labeling the festival of Karva Chauth or the activity of fasting to be unprogressive and illiberal, it’s making a generalization and suspiciously stereotyping.
Take my friends and family for example, all of them are financially independent and emotionally mature, their husband-wife relationship is based on mutual respect and understanding. So when they pray for their husbands’ health and prosperity, there is hardly any difference to how you and I pray for the health and well-being of our parents, siblings, family members, friends etc.
It doesn’t matter if the person prays on a specific festival or not, if the person fasts or not on that festival. The core relationship between husband and wife has no cause-effect relation to the formalities.
On the other hand, for the couples who are already in an unequal relationship, the reality is not going to change due to the festival. The reality of a wife being the victim of marital inequality, emotional suppression or even physical abuse by the husband, abuse by other in-law family members like mother-in-law or sister-in-law, abuse by the society that treats this inequality as a norm, is not going to change, if you fast or not.
The only feasible path to lift up women’s social and family status, in my opinion, is that women have to fight for their own rights, gradually, over time, little by little. In time, a woman has to find independence and self-worth from other places like the workplace, a career of any sort, or just something she is good at, a friend circle that is in favor of her etc -- somewhere that gives her validation and fosters her self-respect.
forgot to record the paragraphs in bracket【With the newly obtained self-realization and confidence, a woman can undergo some under-the-table negotiation with her in-law family, so as to improve her situation in the family.
In my opinion, in a lot of cases, a change of attitude and perception could bring a significant amount of change in the relationship. If you are always willing to be subjected to oppression, the suppression will grow only stronger and more ruthless. But if you learn to stand up on your feet and express your feelings openly and wisely, slowly, an understanding about you could be formed, and that could bring you changes. 】
According to my observation, some of the best tactics for the feminism movement, in family and social structures (most probably not applicable in professional fields) are to unfold quietly and steadily, over the course of time. The most effective way to achieve is not to outthrow the current social setups overnight, but to somehow maintain a healthy social and family relationship, while secretly growing bones and muscles for future negotiation.
However this is under the circumstance that women's rights are not violated by ongoing violence of any sort or outright exploitation.
From a different angle, unequal family relationships (as how we define “equality” in the 21st century), is not automatically an indicator of lacking warmth and affection among the family members. Most probably, the spontaneous and passionate romantic flame is lacking, because to make that kind of a spark, one crucial condition is that the couple should consider each other as equal and be mutually intrigued by the counterpart’s ability and prowess.
However if the wife treats her husband with high regard and views him as the one who takes care of the whole family, vice versa, if the husband credits his wife for holding up her “designated roles” in the family - as a loving wife, a nurturing mother, a respectful daughter-in-law etc, this is also a functional model for a husband-wife relationship which could lead to harmony and happiness.
Therefore in the so-called unequal relationship, if there is no violence and exploitation, you can’t say for sure that the couple is unhappy, needing your savior. At the end of the day, we all think differently and want different things. The path to self-salvation, is one’s own path to take, only one can do it for oneself, nobody else.
The truth is, for thousands of years, almost all the husband-wife relationship in India has been built upon this model, a model where each family member has his and her distinctive role, and the roles for men are definitely more essential, more important and respected by the family and society.
This traditional family model has always intertwined with culture and religion, acting as the bedrock of social morality in India. Generation after generation, people have been protecting this social structure as part of their culture and heritage. Thus it is unrealistic to break down this structure overnight, so to serve the feminism movement.
And it surely will do more harm than good to society if change happens too fast (talking from a Chinese’ perspective, in modern history Chinese’s drastic social changes only brought turmoil but hardly progress). I don’t think this is the path the feminism movement should take.
In fact, the feminism movement in India also rarely focuses on demolishing the current social structure in a short period of time, but seeking a way for improvement and reformation. For example, pushing reforms in the legal system, to make more inclusive laws to better protect women’s rights, to make more efficient legal procedures to better deliver justice to the hurt ones. For example, raise awareness about violations on women’s rights, raise funds to make more girls educated.
As a matter of fact, dialogues in different styles - themed conferences, news reports and analysis, books, movies, tv serials, documentaries, talk shows, youtube videos, social media groups and posts, even advertisements, are part of feminism awareness efforts. And all these dialogues are playing an important role in changing the landscape of India’s social structure, gradually.
Back to today’s topic, this is my second realization: fasting is only a form that has no indication to the core relationship between husband and wife.
3. My third realization - I’ve learned how Indians really feel about fasting. In India, fasting has traditionally been seen not only as an act of religion, but also a health method. By fasting, people believe they give time for the body to detox and cleanse, removing toxins that are accumulated in the body over time, which could be potentially harmful for long-term health. After one fasting cycle, the body could reboot and start again, clean and fresh.
This is especially true for seniors, Indian people believe as older you get, the ability to digest food decreased. It’s very common to find Indian elderly reduce food intake significantly, especially meat, oily and fatty food, so to keep fit and achieve long life. Actually, the majority Indians, when they are getting a little older, usually 45 to 50 years old, will switch to a purely vegetarian diet, if they were not a vegetarian earlier in life. In this way, not only their body could be cleaner and healthier, their mind is also getting purified.
This is the reason why Indians are not likely to connect fasting to rights’ violation. Rather oppositely, most Indians consider fasting a fine and healthy act for body and mind, and they would love to find excuses such as various festivals to conduct it.
4. Fourthly, I’ve gained a broader understanding of the way people celebrate this festival, financial-wise. It turns out, most households spend additional money on the wife and daughter-in-law during this time. Women are likely to receive gifts from their husbands, mothers-in-law and friends. Gifts such as fancy sarees, jewelry, makeups etc are usually given by the husbands. Wives would love to wear them during the prayers and gathering, so to show how much she is loved.
The prayer thali(the metal plate) with sacred pot, sieve, sweets, diyas and all, usually is prepared by the mother-in-law, she gives it to daughter-in-law as a gift, every year a new set. Mother-in-law is also in charge of preparing her daughter-in-law the grand breakfast before the fast. Breakfast is put together in another thali called Saagi, it better be grand, with all kinds of tasty bites. The dinner to break the fast is also usually a big one, prepared by the husband or mother-in-law.
Therefore to think that people are saving money on women’s food, is far away from reality. At the end of the day, it’s a festival that belongs to women, for them to enjoy and feel happy about.
5. And lastly, I’ve also realized, traditionally, during the fast women who have no outside work usually sleep the day off by not doing any house chores. Family members also don’t expect them to work. The only thing she needs to do is to dress up and join the prayer event in the evening. If you are that woman, is it a tough choice to make? Yes, no lunch, but in return, no house chores and tons of gifts and fun.
Not only the misunderstandings on fasting was cleared, I’ve also digged more into the origin of this festival: Karva Chauth is mainly celebrated in North India, because according to one of the folk tales, it originated in the time of the Mughal invasion. Men were at the border fighting Mughal armies so to protect their families, women and children were left at home to pray for the men’s victory and safe return.
So each year, there was one day, women would love to dress up with colorful new clothes, make a lot of sweets and spend a day together, they would fast from sunrise to moonrise, to pray for the warriors who were fighting the war. This origin is especially popular among the Sikhs and Kshatriyas in North India who are the warriors traditionally.
Just like all of the festivals and mythologies in India, Karva Chauth also has multiple origins. One of the other popular ones is: in ancient times, a new bride was sent far away from home to her in-law family, it could be really lonely and considered unhealthy for her well-being. The solution was to “assign” a Godsister to her. The Godsister would talk to her daily, help her be familiar with in-law’s culture and customs, share her secrets etc.
Therefore Karva Chauth in some areas in the North, is a festival to celebrate sisterhood.
The bride, her godsister and other women in the family and neighborhood would start purchasing new sarees and jewelries weeks before. A few days before Karva Chauth, they would paint the clay pot with colors, make a lot of homemade sweets to put in the pot. They would also draw Mehndi on their hands and feet, so as to enjoy the festivity. On Karva Chauth day, they would exchange the clay pot full of sweets, in this way passing their gifts and appreciation to one and another.
It’s the love among women that they are cherishing and celebrating during Karva Chauth.
I have to say after observing these many Indian festivals, I have come to understand one thing: why do people follow traditions with such zests?
Because tradition is the heritage their ancestors, elders and grandparents passed to them, tradition is the knowledge of life their parents and family gifted them to have a better life. To respect tradition, is to show acceptance and love. Calling tradition the transmission of customs is not entirely conclusive, tradition is rather more of transmission or demonstration of love, love to your roots and origin.
That’s why when it comes to tradition, a lot of people intentionally fail to notice or reason the logic behind each and every custom, as long as nobody is hurt. For centuries, even thousands of years, whatever their family has been doing, they would follow through, so as to show respect to their roots.
I think this is a very crucial standpoint to understand Indians and their persistence to tradition.
After learning all these fascinating facts, are you also gaining a better understanding, as well as a more respectful and favorable attitude toward a culture that is different from yours? It’s a fabulous thought experience I have to say.
To any tradition and custom that survived for a long time, especially in India, uncountable traditions have survived for thousands of years. Thousands of years! That’s longer than most of the civilizations that had existed in human history. If you haven’t been living in it yourself, if you haven’t made yourself acquainted with the details, if you never cared to figure out the hows, whys and the history behind. Based on limited knowledge and experience, judging and criticizing from a baseless “higher moral ground”, it’s called Prejudice and Discrimination.
Sadly it’s one extremely common human trait, I am pretty sure we all made misjudgment out of false conception that we inherited from our impartial knowledge of ourselves and the world.
The important thing is to learn to wake up your mind and open up your eyes, so be able to consciously avoid such traps in the future.
Furthermore, as I was learning about traditions and customs, I realized that there was always some reason why certain customs were passed down from our ancestors, and the reason most definitely was sincere and was for goodwill. In other words, traditions are usually served as accumulated life experiences aimed to improve the quality of the descendants’ life.
This means, tradition is not something sinister to begin with, rather oppositely, it’s something that should be treated with respect and consideration, even though sometimes it could appear to be out fashioned.
Unfortunately, in modern China, some people in power had malevolently used the “rusted part” of the tradition to impose that all traditions were backward and regressive, and needed uprooting eradication at once.
Why? Because only with such distortion, plotted social uprisings were able to establish “moral ground”. Abrupt and forceful social changes come with great social unrest, social unrest comes with the chance of manipulation, hence the chance of consolidating power.
In the name of purging “innately backward and outdated traditions'', truly was all for personal gain and power grab.
The long-term consequences of such draconian measures are yet to be unfolded. But one thing is clear, after one cultural cleansing and another, China suffered tremendous loss of traditions and heritage.
Uncountable profound customs are on the edge of extinction, for example most of today’s Chinese hardly know the detailed procedures of Chinese traditional weddings and the meaning behind each step, yes, there was reasoning behind each setup...
For example, we hardly know the stories and tales behind each traditional festival, let alone how to prepare for and proceed with the celebration and prayers.
Do we still follow the calendar of Chinese New Year? 3 days before, 2 days before, on the eve, new year day 1, day 2, day 3, each day has its own function and rules. Do we still unite our ancestors from the past and celebrate all the household genies like Kitchen God, Craft God and Land God? No, we only have a vague idea but not much in detail, at least that my family has lost track of the to-dos and not-to-dos down to the days.
Do we still have our village or community band and dancing team to perform traditional instruments and dances on specific days and events? No, those are rarely found in cities, even in the most remote villages.
The rich soil of culture has become thin and barren, the once colorful way of living is now tasteless and bland.
Because some customs were old and not compatible with the new norms, so to dismiss every other old customs and eliminate all traditions as a whole, I have to say this is a complete failure of policymaking.
A nation without traditions and heritage, it’s like a plant without roots, you can count the days before it fully dries out.
In Chinese society, a lot of collective symptoms have already emerged due to the loss of roots, for example, the loss of moral compass and core social values, the loss of confidence in the sense of cultural identity. An obvious indication of moral decay and loss of faith is to be found in every corner of society.
And on top of that, a promised open, modern, scientific, democratic social and political structure is light years away from reality, even though the old had seemed to be once deserted completely.
On the other hand, India’s well-known Soft Power is built on its deep and vast roots of history and culture. The cultural identity of Indians is shockingly unshakable, the adherence to one’s own culture and heritage helped the Indians navigate through in the dark age of colonization, exploitation and cultural imperialism, it helped them gain independence and find the light of democracy, it helped them embrace modernization and transition into the new age.
The influence of Indian culture to the world is so significant, there is indeed something we all could learn from it.
Also I have to point out that for Chinese, tradition is not the only thing taken away from us, in the wake of violation of any right (no matter it’s the right to tradition or the right to religion), most likely you will find yourself losing all of the rights, namely Fundamental Human Rights, on top of the list is Freedom, Freedom to Be Yourself as it is, Freedom of Choice, Freedom of Speech, Freedom to Think and Freedom to Thrive.
Losing tradition is just the result of losing individual freedom. And if God permits, one day, freedom could be replenished into the society, people might find a lot of lost heritages back, I hope.
I have to say, under the Extremely Centralized Autocratic rule of Monarchy, Individual Freedom is its Natural Enemy, as natural as freedom is the Innate Quality of Human Beings.
China has been exercising centralization of government's power for more than 2000 years and came up with an Exquisitely Sophisticated Mechanism to maintain centralized control and constrain Liberty. The system is so Intricate and Profound, it has become Immensely Difficult to bring any change into it.
But there is no other way to obtain freedom but to change this state apparatus, and to change the system, the only key is to release the power of Individual Freedom.
While for more than 2000 years the concept of liberty has been Amputated to serve the purpose of centralized control, the Suppressed and Twisted understanding of freedom has become the core value of the Chinese culture. How can the Chinese break that spell once and for all? You tell me.
Ok ok I’ve gotten carried away, back to Karva Chauth, how do North Indians celebrate this festival?
On the day of Karva Chauth, women would fast from sunrise to moonrise. Around 3 to 4 o’clock AM, women would wake up to eat a grand breakfast, this feast before the fast usually is prepared by the mother-in-law and is pure vegetarian. After the early breakfast, the fast starts.
In most places, women don’t even drink water during the fast, but just like all the things, in India, there is no universally fixed rule on anything, a lot of women also drink water and milk tea (chai) during the fast. Especially for the women who have to work outside the house, it helps to drink chai with sugar and milk, they need that portion of liquid, carbohydrate, and protein to stay up.
Actually, if you have a big breakfast and keep drinking some milk tea throughout the day, it’s not so difficult to skip lunch, because a grand dinner awaits.
On the afternoon of the Karva Chauth day, traditionally, women would take showers and change into their new dresses, they would put on makeup and fancy jewelry. Then they would gather together, sit in a circle to have the prayer event. There would be one senior lady reciting the stories from ancient times, the stories about the warrior husbands on the border who fought the invaders to protect the nation.
After one section of the story, the storytelling senior stops, women start singing prayers, while holding up the sacred thali, and pass it onto the lady next to her. After one round of Thali passing, when your own thali comes back in your hands, this praying section ends with you placing the thali in front of your forehead and saying a prayer, afterwards the storytelling section resumes.
After many rounds of sections like this, when the storytelling senior finishes her stories, the praying event is also ended. Usually, it lasts about an hour. Women then get up, pay respect to seniors and greet to one and another. There are lemonade and water on the side, for the women who prefer to drink water during fast.
On this footage, it’s the Karva Chauth prayer gathering event I attended in October 2018 in Delhi. Most of the ladies in the video are Sikhs, Karva Chauth is one of the main festivals among Sikh communities because traditionally they have always been fighters and warriors.
Let me have some more words about the praying thali. On the Thali, women would place one or several diyas, some matches to light the diyas, a special sieve, some water in the decorated pot, some sweets, some fresh flowers, a little red clothes to cover the thali etc.
Diyas are to be lighted up during the prayer gathering and moon watching event, the sieve is used during the moon watching event after moonrise. During the moon watching event, both husband and wife would come under the light of the moon, the wife would see through the sieve to appreciate the magnificent moon and her handsome husband. Meanwhile the husband would feed the wife some sweets and water from the thali, to break her fast, as well as to show gratitude for her sacrifices.
All these details are very interesting, I will explain more when I show you guys how we celebrated Karva Chauth in the year of 2020, in the next video.
I'm responding to my friends' comments on the book I am reading about bringing up girls, one section that the author talks about the difference on brain function between boys and girls. First of all it's great to see the discussion on feminism in India, thank you for updating me the information. I have my own stand on this issue and now I feel the the need to go through it in English too. Yes I indeed quite often express and discuss this topic in my Chinese social media.
1. While I am agreeing on the existence of different brain function on boys and girls(as the book illustrates), I think rather easily people take it to a different degree, especially people coming from a patriarchal background. For example, words such as "wild" and "naughty" are not to discribe brain functions but character and personality. Although boy brains and girl brains are wired differently (in most cases), personality exists without a pattern. Take my kids for example, my boy is truly a boy-like "engineer brain", and my girl excels in sensing emotions and expressing, they play different kinds of toys without any influence from outside. Meanwhile my daughter is more naughty and more wild than my boy.
2. From the reading I kind of understood (some schools of) feminism in nowadays India is trying to eliminate the difference between men and women, physical and mentally. In my opinion, admit the difference is not unfeminist, but only scoring the difference unequally is unfeminist.
For example, when I say "my girl is such a girl, she is loving and caring, she plays doll all day long." As most of us who grew up in a patriarchal society, our brian automatically gives a conclusion: "She is a mother material." But that's absolutely not in my mind. I only see the difference of brain function in my two kids but I do NOT think one will neccesarily "achieve higher" than another ("achieve higher" as what the society thinks - higher salary and higher position, personally I don't think there is another job more important than mother).
Why? Because if a brain is wired to feel deeper and wider emotions, to better master the language and is more expressive. What does this indicates? This brain will be suitable to be a future diplomat, politician, thinker, philosopher, leader, manager, negotiator, communicator, famous writer or well-known comedian. But why in such women-brain-suitable fields, rarely you see successful women? Because they are told "NOT TO DO" from a young age. And all of this is not the result of the difference in men and women brains, but a result of Patrilineality that could be traced back to the beginning of human society. We are still living in that after-world.
3. Aren't men and women tremendously different? Obviously, because our hormones are totally different and it affects almost everything. Men can separate body and emotions, women just can't. Men can have their brain blank as a paper for the longest time, women's brain never stops, not even in their sleep. Women have to accept the reality that a "hormone bomb" is coming each every month to mess up their emotions and feelings, men have no idea whatsoever.
4. As a feminist, I believe it is meaningless to ask women to match up to men, instead women should live up to their own potentials. Because we both are equally powerful creatures with our differences. Actually most fields are suitable for both women brain and men brain, the only difference is determination, ambition, hardwork and belief.
I hope I have expressed myself clearly with where I stand as a feminist and I welcome your further discussions.
