I have absolutely no freaking idea why my blog has views! I used to only use Google Analytics to check once in a long while and didn't have the impression that my blog had any viewership. Therefore, I have been writing whatever the heck I wanted! But suddenly, now, I saw this. What the fuck is this. What are these clicks??? From where??? Google's system error? Blogger itself doesn't give any insight into the viewers. Hence, I'll be puzzled forever. Should I keep writing here like it's my own secret garden? (I used to ask/beg Raj to read what I wrote, but he had no interest or time, mainly no time. And that was years ago. He never comes here, so I write whatever I want about him. He would check my IG, though, afraid of what crazy stuff Imma post... And besides Raj, who else could have the remotest interest in my diary???) What if Chinese spies are watching me in the dark? But why me? Why here? What the heck? How ridiculous it is, a total waste of time and resources from their front! It's simply my ranting-style girlie-diary besides my ranting on socials (I also don't have the impression that I have any viewership in socials, except Youtube, but my account was deleted, have been happily hiding outside GFW where Chinese users can't reach me). Don't people have more important work to do in life? Lol...
Anyways!
I believe it is Google's system error at the end of the day. It is plainly not possible. Meh...
In any case, I won't publish all pieces of my sci-fi fiction as blogs in case they are stolen. But I will keep writing my diaries no matter who are viewing them. It's my way of existing in this world and coping with reality. This world and reality sucks, so I will have to hold up my space for it to suck less.
Back to writing my diary for the day.
Raj is on a flight to Dubai, and I miss him terribly. During skiing week, the daddies took so much care of the kids, risking lives and breaking backs to encourage kids to ski or catch up with their speed.
And Raj always has the patience to talk with me for hours and hours. He is utterly, incredibly, profoundly, immensely in love with me, and he doesn't feel right to keep my light hidden and away from the world. That's why he loves to share me in a way, especially when I feel excited and content. But in actuality, he can't live in a world where I'm really shared, such as poly-shared. "Our connection is so deep, it's almost unheard of. I think people who ever experience what we experience, they turn to stay together with themselves." Okay... Maybe... I've got no second opinion on this...
I miss Raj especially when the world goes upside down. I have to admit, after the last few days, I did get thrown off my calm a little bit. Biden had been such a selfish hypocritic; if he had given all he could to Ukraine, Putin would have been long gone, and the war would have finished a year or two ago. The extreme left, I truly want nothing to do with them! The elitist higher-ups, the greedy politicians, they truly fuck us up over and over again. Because of the extremism from the left, they effortlessly gave away the whole fucking world to a dictator/ gangster/ bully and his dictator bros! What a gangster trio forming in front of our eyes: Russia, China, and the USA, the world's three biggest authoritarian (or on the way to being authoritarian) countries run by old-men dictators. What about Taiwan? Now who's going to protect the Chinese culture we vowed to preserve? The foresight of China's democracy? Turns out Americans don't give a shit about nothing except their white supremacy! I would have never imagined this day, not in a million years, not in my weirdest dreams. What history are we witnessing? Is it still reality, or am I genuinely dreaming? It is wilder than my wildest sci-fi imagination! Well, I have been fearfully anticipating 8 years ago, seeing how things unfolded.
Women? We are just collateral damage to America's fall into authoritarianism and dictatorship.
Women are always on the frontline to be slaughtered. It had happened in China over and over again. It's still happening in China and all those fucked-up Middle Eastern extremist countries. Everywhere, basically.
Why this world is so fucked up? Why?
I miss Raj because, from day one, he has firmly stood on the side of the people who had no voice and no power; he has always believed in the strength of the republic despite all the ups and downs humans went and are going through. I used to be quick to give up, stating, "I'm the oppressed, you wouldn't understand." Raj never allowed me to give up.
I miss Raj because at a moment like this, with such historical significance, no one else would hold my hands and tell me that I am precious and worthy in my own way, no matter how fast the world could fall into a sudden but inevitable darkness.
Humans, maybe we are destined to fall.
Some friends started talking about leaving. Felt like visiting an old memory. Parents are traveling in Canada right now, telling me it is way too cold compared to California. India? It will never make me feel comfortable; give it 200 more years, maybe, or 1000 years back before the Mugul and British invasion. Singapore? "It's an authoritarian!" Raj and I exclaimed to our friend simultaneously. Europe? Putin is enabled by our king right now!
I miss Raj because, at depressing moments like this, he would tell me, "Don't worry, we will always be okay. We can buy a property anywhere in the world and settle there. Right now, California is still the best option, but if that day ever comes, we won't be stranded."
Today, history, detrimental to us, unfolds in front of our eyes. Can't escape, can't fight back, just have to get through somehow.
***
Okay, enough of ranting. Back to reality. Will get back to the streets and will not stop fighting. This is the entire meaning of why I chose this country to live in, escaping authoritarian China.
I have seen too many men and women without backbones; because of them, our world falls back into darkness time and time again. But I have, I have the hardest backbones of you all combined, like the millions and millions of us. And I will show you, we will show you.
No comments:
Post a Comment