I think on the phone I said they should come to my place like last week, then when I sent the messages asking if we could come over instead, it doesn't sound good huh? I would never think that much though. It would never be because when they helped me last weekend "there was something wrong they did". I have been feeling so happy and grateful for all that Sabrina did for me, I told everyone about it! And we truly survived on the food they all made for us.
I guess "don't want the house to be messy before Raj comes so he doesn't get agitated" doesn't sound so common huh? Maybe it's something only in my mind, it doesn't resonate with other people at all, no?
"No no, of course not because of what you did! I would never think that way!!! I'm just worried that kids' toys everywhere, books scattered around, beddings not changed, piles of clothes not folded, kids' closets messy, these would make Raj agitated! And I wouldn't ask you to arrange kids' closets for me right? That's too much, you already did so much for me! I think I'm just nervous about Raj coming back home because guess what, the kids and I lived very freely for the past week. We went to Safeway many times to drive that wheelchair electric cart, we slept together in the same bed for all the nights, some days Aditi went to school without tying her hair. I changed Aditi's bedsheets today morning, very slowly but I managed. Will change my own bedsheets tomorrow so Raj won't be agitated. And most probably the three of us will go get a haircut tomorrow so our hair doesn't look so messy. I just want to be mind-free about arranging and cleaning my own house because only a little I can do. That's why we just want to go mess up your house!"
Obviously Sabrina eventually understood what I meant, and of course "it's not right for Raj to be agitated" is a very good thing to say to a girlfriend. The thing is, I don't even know if Raj would be agitated, I'm just scared that he would. So concerned that I rather not having people over so not to give him chance to be mad at me.
Why? Was he mad at me a lot? I don't know, maybe, I don't keep track on such things, but looks like I'm really concerned... Maybe he wasn't mad at me, I don't think he is ever angry with me, it's just that he always has something to say, do this do that, why not do this why not do that. And when work stress comes, sometimes it sounds angry, not to me obviously, to the situation and stress in general. And he knows I wouldn't mind and can take whatever. What he wants me to be, I can be. Whenever he wants it, I'm there. I guess my support always was very crucial to his mental health and right perspective, deep down he is dependent on that.
But am I truly affected by the stress he passes to me? I would say, hmm, hardly. I might be unconsciously trying to maintain a space that he feels comfortable with, as part of my duty of being in a relationship, but my freedom and space of growth is well respected and protected. I think at the end of the day, that's all I care about. As long as I am free from the financial pressure and get to do whatever the heck I want for whatever reason, I'm all good.
Anyways, I always have way bigger issues to worry about, daily life things don't bother me that much. And I'm happy about this state of mind, so mature, lol!!!
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