Finally get a little time to write up something. What a dream, the last 2 weeks, I wish I would never wake up from it. Maybe I never need to, the world changed drastically for Chinese like me, and I will never get back. I will never go back, go back to being fearful, being cautious, being sad and angry. I will keep on fighting, no matter what. Not for myself, but for all the people who are suffering. If I don't fight, then who would help them? I have to fight, I won't give myself choices.
Hurt my knee while skiing, Raj is right now in India traveling. Was thinking how to drop off and pick up the kids to and from school, realized that even though there were so many really close and trustworthy friends, people live fairly far away from each other. The most we arranged Sunny to drop them off every morning, Sunny doesn't pick up his own daughter right after school, so I planned to take Uber to pick mine up. But then on Friday before Raj went to India, I tried out driving Tesla myself, it worked, my knee was absolutely fine.
Leena and Noah are here for two days to cook, clean and take care of the kids for me. Sabrina and Devi will be here tomorrow, bring food for the week and us three girls will chill and drink wine, husbands will clean and watch the kids. I really can't feel more lucky to have all these kind and beautiful women in my life, Leena, Sabrina, Devi... Lol both Sabrina and Devi got hooked up, happily, by us, in our apartment, on our second-hand couch, when we were still wild 20 something. After all these years, none of us changed, always this wild, extremely wild, crazy, truly crazy, meanwhile kind, really kind, generous, genuinely generous, plus hard working and capable. Lol both Sabrina and Devi are PhDs, but I will say, ya, ya, but I work with my professor my whole life! Oh I feel so connected to each one of them... Been thinking about Yanyi a lot, can't wait for her to come back here. Raj and Panda's startup is going really good, they're gonna spend a whole week in India. Maybe it's fated this way because how connected Yanyi and I are! Chantelle and I are connected too, I love her deeply, but ya, it is what it is, I will surely continue to be in her life as a great friend to love and support her. Man I really love all of them so much, maybe I was LGBTQ last life.
A lot people got concerned about my injury. I'm so sorry to put up everything in social media, what can I do, it's just me. I was posting it for fun, nothing else. Then messages came, some were formally greeting, some were... hey, I know, but it was really long time ago when we secretly had a crush on each other, I thought both of us moved on? I guess sometimes we just have to co-exist under the current circumstance. Definitely not only me, but many more people than I could imagine have to continue life with suppressing part of them, deep down. Luckily once I see a happy wife and a beautiful baby, whatever was there that made my heart jump, disappears in a split second, nothing as such would linger. Guess my empathy, love and responsibility to women and children overpowers everything. I should maintain my style of dealing with things I assume, always throw myself out there, never hold back, never hide, never pretend, after trying my best, accepts whatever it comes and, and cast it all away. Move on, never linger, move on, never linger.
Just that I've been feeling guilty I didn't take T with me to the new Wechat account when I knew I would be blocked. We were in good terms, friends who can talk. Now I don't know how to find him. If he knew Raj was so careless with me, he would beat him up good lol, at least take me out for ice cream... Maybe one day he will find me. Maybe one day China will be free and we will have no wall between us any more. Everything is possible now, I am hopeful. And I know I can never go back there anymore as long as CCP stays in power. But I will go back, within my lifetime, to a free China, a brand-new China.
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