Best way forward

It's getting warmer and Raj couldn't stop himself buying thong bikini bottoms for me. He is planning beach trips so he could enjoy my beautifully-shaped big butt in the California sun. When I was having enormous fun in Mexico with Leena and Sangha, I almost had forgotten the life back home, cooking, cleaning, and tending to screaming children and husband all day long. Then Raj would write me these long messages on Whatsapp, saying how lonely he had become in a matter of a few days without me. He said life had lost taste and had no meaning or purpose when I was not there with him. 

Why there are no boy trips or why boy trips are not as fun as girl trips? I would be so happy to send Raj away for some boy trips and perfectly content with myself at home alone with my children. Men are unbelievably fragile. 

In Mexico, I had the BEST time with Leena. Every night if we didn't party with handsome Latino guys until 5am, we were giggling and gossiping until 4am on our bed. The Airbnb was ginormous, huge living room, a wide and long corridor, and three giant bedrooms. But I was scared of ghosts, Mexican ghosts, and indigenous spirits (Leena comforted me that people there were so happy, their ghosts must be happy ghosts too, which is 1000% true), and Leena was scared of bad people so we crumbled in one bed and slept, every day for 3-4 hours.    

When we partied, like always, we pretended to be lesbians, we danced like two girl lovers. Especially in a foreign country, it's the best way to protect ourselves as we figured. But Mexico was so safe, that none of us had any clue before going. All we knew was the gang and drug-related news on mainstream media. As Caio, our newly met handsome Brazilian sweetheart (for Sangha) said, usually only negative voices are loud, which consist of 0.5% of all the voices, normal people's happy daily lives don't, and have no need to make a loud sound. 

Leena and I couldn't stop ourselves in awe with how clean and green Mexico was, how polite the people there and how safe it was for women because women were everywhere, wearing and doing whatever. Don't know why we automatically compare Mexico to India and to our deepest surprise, India is at least 50 years behind Mexico, especially in the way how women present themselves and the overall environment they face. A shithole for women, still. 

Even though the whole experience was safe and warm, we loved to stick to each other as a couple. We danced certain suggestive moves wherever we put our foot; we stormed into the crowd with our arms in the air, legs on each other; we rubbed ourselves on the new friends we made in Mexico who were a group of Caio's colleagues; and we pulled out and disappeared once guys started getting slurpy and handsy. And we talked about it for hours in bed after the fiesta: we both love to be different and wild, we both enjoy being the troublemakers, we love to throw stones into still water and run away. I always loved it, Raj loves me being like that, I didn't know Leena was exactly the same. Guess it does take a Mexico girl trip to find out. Leena always lives to her true wild self when she is alone with me who always strips off every piece of clothing and skin when people are still getting used to the waters. Ha! I have no boundaries. 

Sandra has been doing good too. Moved out peacefully, now living her quiet life by herself. I make sure to hang out with her once a few weeks. This Saturday I'm gonna take her out for a date! I guess it will be her first date for many many years. We will dress up nicely and have some drinks somewhere. 

She told me there's a guy in her car group, somehow they've been talking every day. They decided to meet on Sunday. 

"So me taking you out is to prepare your mood then." 

"What mood?" 

"The mood of being open, the mood of having an open heart, ready for new experiences with whoever and whatever they have become in your life." 

"Ya, exactly, whatever they will become, I'm never in any rush to figure out. I carried too much burden before, now I'm learning to unload one by one." 

"Exactly! With me, I'm pretty sure you will unload everything and be stripped naked lol!"

"The best way to enjoy nature and our lives, no?"

"Exactly!"

Love, that kind of love...

Frida Kahlo

her brushes were bleeding

her colors were screaming

 

she thought that he understood her

only him,

equipped with the intelligence to love her

so she loved him with all she had

walls and ceilings were crawling with her emotions

clouds and rainbows were where her mind dwelled

her suns were moons

her dreams were existence

and she was alone,

she was burned to ashes in loneliness

everyone in her life was cut into small pieces

and consumed by darkness

but she resisted and she persisted

screws in her spine and blades in her throat

she lived

with her bleeding brushes 

and her screaming colors

How I Live A Free Life

 

Meeting in office

Prof didn't know I was going to Dharamshala last year or else I would be introduced to some great people there to meet. But meeting people in my office is amazing too! 

Just received three guests from India who are touring in America for collaborations. Prof in Boston so I was here to build the connection. One of them is a senior and wears a monk dress. You automatically feel the need to be so respectful in front of them. 

I always just see them from far away in the streets of Berkeley, or airports in India, or Dharamshala last year. I was watching them and trying to take it all in when we were in Dharamshala. There's too much history, too much pain, too much despair. There's warmth in it too, even hope. 

Hope, something I will never allow myself to let go of. I will create it, I will borrow it, I will fabricate it, I could even fake it. As long as I believe in it, I can harness my energy for them.   

I think I always want to be put into such settings - official meetings with them, either in groups or one-on-one. My first encounter, one on one. I was thrilled. But ya, I kept calm. We discussed a wide range of things and built strong connections too. 

Don't know why there's such a strong connection here for me. It's not because of the religion obviously, if you have to pin down religion into one or two figureheads, which is something I innately repulse. Maybe because of the potentially same root we shared? In my rootless drifting life, it is indeed something more significant than the others?  

Aren't we all drifting around in this rootless life, trying to find solace even meaning to it? If we are all victims who are robbed of our roots and knocked off the ground, we should just drift together then.  

My First Rock Performance

 

Beginnings and endings

Went yesterday and today with Sandra to check out rental apartments. We just saw a very good one this noon. Sandra is going through the application process right away and hopefully she will get it and move in on Feb 1st. It's only 12 minutes of drive from my house. I had a good feeling standing inside the apartment. Getting emotional even. 

It's a one-bedroom but with spacious living and dining rooms. A two-car garage too, it's a huge bonus because Sandra could work on her cars. The house is not newly built but the interior is nicely designed and kept, and all kitchen wares are good-branded and high quality. Very different from yesterday's three-year-old ADU which was filled with cheap wares and not thoroughly cleaned. The owner must be a cheap person who uses the lowest quality materials on the ADU and hence is difficult to deal with.

I'm so happy that we went out and talked last Saturday. Within a mere few days, we're almost finalizing on apartment rental and J's parents will be here on Saturday to take him back to their home. I believe Sandra finally made up her mind after we talked and she right away acted on it. J is not going to understand what's going on, but Sandra is not giving him up just yet, she is only moving out by herself but will keep visiting him and helping him with all the necessary paperwork for social benefits. 

From Sandra met J via a dating app to their little civil marriage ceremony in San Francisco, to now this marriage is ending so Sandra can live again, I am proud of myself that I have stood by her side for all events. This is what friendship is about. For me, Sandra came from here to India to attend my wedding, she saw my two kids born and supported me through my early motherhood, I know no matter what happens, she will stand by my side too. If a person can have one or two people like this, it is a fulfilled life indeed. What more do you need?   

Life is so interesting, in a sense that you will never know what's going to happen the next moment, who you're going to meet, or part ways. Life is a never-ending process of endings and beginnings. If you pay enough attention, you will realize it's so very normal for people to come and go, some will even take your tears with them. But only the truly bonded and connected ones are there for you, through ups and downs, never to leave you in despair, but to wipe your tears, kiss your forehead, and protect you in their arms.