Leena ♥

It is really hard work, I had sweat dribbling on my face, my back, and my ass. It was difficult to breathe under the n95 mask and my glasses under my sunglasses gave me a headache. For the whole time when we were on campus, I was trying to shake off the feeling that "what morons we must look like" and convince myself that "we had no individual identity but only a message we had the audacity to show to the world".

Without Leena, I would never be able to do it. When I was barely putting myself together, and trying very hard not to act down but up. Leena was super strong and tactical. She wasn't able to wrap her head around herself, but she was able to come up with surprisingly firm and encouraging comments such as "It's our first day. We are only trying out, and we will keep trying and find which is the best place and best time. We should come at the proximately fixed time each weekend, in the same best spot..." The other times I tried to lighten up the mood by talking serious nonsense mostly I couldn't understand myself, she knew I didn't know what I was talking about, also we didn't want anyone to hear our voices, so we were in silence for the longest time. 

As usual, I was very scared that this is just a one-time thing so I didn't want to set any expectations. It's a lot to ask, no? It's not her country, not her people, not her life. On the contrary, it's really hard work, walking around in that heavy disguise and standing in the sun for hours holding up the banner, to no one, to people who couldn't care less, or to something unpredictable. There were Chinese kids who knew exactly what it was and laughed in our faces like it was too funny a joke. But she did all this for me.

I couldn't stop ridiculing myself in my own head, however, I dare not share it out loud, not sure how it was gonna affect her. I was worried that it was too hot or too tiring for her so I kept asking if she was okay. I wanted to try out different places but I was not sure if she was on board. And then we were holding that long banner, walked down a mile to a place with nobody, stood there for a while to nobody. Then again walked up a mile, found the most ridiculous spot where kids lying on the grass or eating snacks, stood there for 20 more minutes and were laughed at by more kids. It was good to try out, but she did all that for me. 

Then on the way back to her car we parked streets away, we couldn't stop ourselves from cracking up. How ridiculous we looked, an Afro-man with lady boots who adopted a new way of walking with a limping leg; next to a short curly hair kid carrying a backpack who was trying to walk like a fat but jumpy Latino man. Luckily it was Halloween so nobody thought to call the police about two suspicious potential bank robbers.

We couldn't stop laughing on the car ride back home, tears all over my sweaty face and big hair. How typical of us, when we are together, we are forever unbelievably fun. Nobody else shall be able to understand. 

Then Raj called, asking where we were, the four of them were on campus and looking for us. How dare they! All that efforts to conceal our true identities, how dare they tried to bring the kids near us and break all that we built! Should we have a family group photo together then, with the banner? For Goddesses' sake, we tried to look like some campus kids who had no clue about family and kids!

I really wish Leena won't back out and will be in the mood to continue being by my side for this ridiculousness. And deep down I know she feels my sadness and will do whatever helps me ease my pain. Leena is my protector who has a priceless pure and golden heart.  ♥ 

Hit the street

It's indeed a very sad moment for South Korea. Usually developed countries don't know much about it, it's only associated with "poor, crowded, dirty, and backward" places like India, and "inferior, filthy, uneducated, barefoot Indians' lives don't regard to be as worthy as rich countries' fair citizens". Just the way how this world was and is. 

The stampede, there is always something that triggers it. Once the wave starts, it won't be able to be stopped. People got dragged in and pushed down in the wave, never able to get up and get out. Most of them suffocate to death. 

Chatted with J, she thanked me to comfort her during such a sad moment. They all are in mourning, and Halloween celebrations were abruptly canceled among friends and families. "A lot of bright young lives were suddenly taken..." 

I know. Precisely because I know how it feels, I know how important is to have people who understand and feel for it, and how important is to have people who are willing to feel for it with you. I wish there were more people around me who feel the same despair for my country. But I've walked so far so alone, I am used to the loneliness. And I never really have expectations for anyone. I try hard to make my life here count, try to make other people laugh, and do everything for them. But deep down, I can never stop the feeling of being left all alone in this universe. 

But I also developed my tactics to cope. Without the shame of disturbing others, I relentlessly share whatever information I consider relevant with them; and without the excitement of being seen and liked, I headstrongly speak up for whatever I consider vital. I know most of them don't really care and I know most people can't stand a person who expresses oneself like how I do. It's never loveable or pleasant, especially when you are a woman. Nevertheless, I solely can't pretend to be anything else. 

At least I have Leena to go to the street with me. No matter how strangely and immensely different Leena and I think, we always find that weird way to be with each other, support each other and love each other. Brushing off the discomfort that pops up once in a while due to our unignorable differences. At least both of us are completely transparent, never holding back or hiding. Whatever people can see is whoever we are. Both of us are so hot-tempered and headstrong, exactly like firecrackers. The difference is I've been groomed to be polite and compliant throughout my childhood, so I can easily maintain a good stance on the surface. If the affair is nonconsequential, I have the "wiping out mechanism" to forget all about it, only exploding on matters that are deemed pronounced. On contrary, Leena sprints on all. Lol, anyways, just different mechanisms to cope with living in this miserable world...

All of a sudden, Raj is moving on fast to the project with P. I do not understand how the world could shift within an unnoticeable moment, the same way I do not understand why the world stays indecipherable for most of us' longest duration of being. I do not understand, so I do understand. I do understand, so I do not understand. 

Nobody knows what's coming for them at any given moment, not even when things were long gone. It's only that imperceptible longing as if you might be not alone, not left alone. 

At least I have Leena to go to the street with me.

Darkness is Never Too Far Away

 

#北京四通桥 #四通桥勇士 #四通桥横幅 #四通橋勇士 #彭载舟 #孤勇者 #不要核酸要吃饭

 

Diwali

I know humans are weak, we turn to succumb to authority, be it an authoritarian ruler/strongman or an authoritarian religion/ideology; we incline to be selfish and shortsighted, easily giving up long-term freedom for the benefit in front of eyes; and we can surrender to fear, hatred or any kind of phobias without putting up a good fight or thought... But deep down in each one of our hearts, we have never stopped longing for light, and longing for love. May the victory of light shine on the brave ones who fought hard for it, may the victory of light can also shine on the ones who still live in the endless darkness, one day. 🙏

人類軟弱，我們屈服於權威，對專制的強人或宗教與意識形態下跪；我們自私和短視，輕易為眼前利益放棄長遠自由；我們常無任何抗爭與思考便向恐懼和仇恨投降...但在每個人的內心深處，從未停止過對光和愛的渴望。願勝利之光照亮敢於抗爭的勇敢者，有朝一日也能照向仍活在無盡黑暗與苦難中的人🙏 

And I do love, love all of them...

Supreme Dictator

The other shoe has fallen, Xi has overwhelmingly defeated all political rivals, successfully consolidated the highest possible absolute power as a supreme dictator, to a degree as nobody has anticipated or imagined. China now officially leaps from system authoritarianism to dictator authoritarianism. Hence China will now race into the worst possible path people ever imagined. There's only darkness left there. The next ten years are gonna be dark for the whole world. 

Now the last breath of hope has vanished. We had been anxiously waiting for that miracle to drop. A miracle that the sure-to-be emperor won't take full control of the party, therefore economic reform and a certain degree of diplomatic openness could still find their place, as the result of political struggle and power balance. Now with absolute power, he is allowed to do whatever he wishes, and he will apply whatever his mind thinks is logical or viable to the powerless people. 

In the 41 years when Mao was in absolute power, there were famines that one of which killed 40 million, uncountable purges and class struggle to wipe out entire classes and clans, and a decade-long Cultural Revolution washed away thousands of years of culture and civilization, only to leave fear, shame, and oblivion deep down in people's hearts and minds. The only way to make it stop was to wait for the dictator's death. As of today, we have officially arrived at another beginning of decades-long suffering, with a dictator that is even redder and crueler than the previous one.  

I cried like crazy for a few minutes, then I abruptly stopped and just couldn't continue anymore. I was not able to cry for days and weeks. I somehow, out of a sudden lost my capability to express my fear or complex emotions. My world has sunk. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep no more. I carried on in my daily life robotically and emotionlessly. I only have been trying to make my kids and kids in my classes and teams laugh, like a job, like my duty, but I haven't really laughed or smiled for nobody knows how long.  

None of my people have gotten out. And it's clear as the day to me now, there is no future left for any of them inside. I mean how can anyone, if they are not crazy in the mind, promptly leave whatever they have behind and go to a place they can't even understand a word. And there was no way to get passports, no way to get visas, and no way to physically get out for the past three years. Onward, all aspects imaginable only will be harder. And do I ever dare to go back there anymore? I will be risking my entire disappearance and nobody will give a fuck or be able to give a fuck. My world and their world, hence are forever parted and pacing in opposite directions. Most probably last time when I saw them in China, would be the last time in decades.

My heart bleeds for my baby cousin brothers and sisters, there is no prosperity left on their way to achieving financial security, and there is no protection left for their most fundamental rights as decent human beings. In the same way, my heart bleeds for all the young people struggling in there, barely to survive. And the hundreds of millions of poor, basic living will only be harder as the dictator wishes to go full-on communism and collectivism. More and more tragedies will occur, and more and more brutal death will break out. Our lives have never been more valuable than ants since the beginning of Chinese empires, have we?

I don't know how to cry anymore.

***

I did cry at the end, in spite of being emotionlessly numb for days. 

Cried hysterically when I went to sleep at 3am, for a long time, not able to snap myself out of it. In his daziness and confusion, my husband kept telling me to control it, and "nothing actually happened". 

My heart was torn to pieces, I couldn't stop the violence and brutality when darkness excavated my heart out, leaving a cold hollow. I don't remember ever being so heartbroken, hauling and gasping for air. Where I came from, my childhood, my memories, my family, my old friends, now only suffering is left for them and now deep down in my guts I know, I've lost it all, forever. 

Growing up knowing we didn't have the immense unluck to be born in the time of turmoils, time of father's extreme hunger and education rights being stripped away for a decade, but now this immense unluck has again fallen on us all. 

I cry for the suffering that's going to come after everyone. 

Then I will stop, wipe my face, learn to be stronger, and stand up to fight.

American Constitution and Religious Freedom -- Fintan O’Toole: Is America's democracy under threat? (1)

In Mr. O'Toole's eyes, as an outsider to America, there are concerning factors that might pose threat to America's democracy (I kill for great writers' perspectives on current politics thus making this summary for myself).

1. One of the most constitutive aspects of the creation of America, as well as has been taken for granted and increasingly threatened, was the separation of church and state. This Jeffersonian idea of "nobody could be free if there was a state church" constructed America's religious plurality. And this was one of the most radical, admirable, and important statements that were written in the American constitution. This statement was not an anti-religion statement, on the contrary, it was a guarantor of religious freedom. 

The American constitution was written in the 18th century, it was in its time such an extraordinary and inspiring document, therefore we find it difficult to think of it other than a sacred text. Statements such as taking religion out of the state were not only a brilliant political construct for the creation of the United States, but also were fundamental statements about the human condition and about how human beings can interact freely with each other. However, because it has been viewed as a holy writ, rather than a historical and political construct from a specific time, there is a natural tendency to put religion back into the state to make the constitution itself kind of quasi-religious.    

In contrast to constitutions such as German and Japanese which were developed in the 20th century, precisely after WWII, those were using American constitutions as fundamental frameworks, but much easier to adapt to changing circumstances. So one of the great tension in the American system is that because ways of changing the American constitution is very very difficult, the supreme court becomes an overly powerful arbiter. Also, a lot of unenumerated rights were not written down in the constitution, thus it has become a difficult business because America doesn't have a process for public and democratic engagement in changing the constitution.