Stress or privilege?

It must be the stress from work, Leena already lashed out on me two times for the past two weeks! So many people are being laid off from IT companies, I guess mentally she just couldn't take it so well. Anyways, she bounces back pretty soon and I am so mature now I don't react at all.

What happened today was when we were still in bed, she called for multiple times. Then Raj got up, telling, "Check your messages in Whatsapp, Leena was asking you to delete the photos." Then I checked, in the personal chat, she literally scolded me with 200-word text about how I violated her privacy and put her in danger with people and who knew what impact could be for her work. Her photos were only for family but not for stupid people online. "You do not need to post sexy photos, it's not good for anything." Then all in capital, she wrote "DELETE THEM ALL, NEVER POST ANY OF MY PHOTOS AND VIDEOS FROM NOW ON!" In the family group too, she wrote the same thing so everyone can see, without the all capital though. Within a minute or so, I'm done, and replied "Ok. Done."

It's definitely not the first time we go out, and she knew all the things I posted for our previous events. It's a well established regular routine we go out and dance. Her exact instruction from before was, "You can post in Insta, but no dancing videos in fb, photos in fb are ok." I mean, THE EXACT instruction. And that's what I've been following. It has to be work stress, no? 

If I go out with some friends who are all adults, and I only share my own pretty photos, is it a good thing? That shows I don't give a shit of them. I mean I did one or two times went with Raj to some people's party, only because I was really not fond of them, I posted my own photos with Raj without any of the others. So if it's people I love, I cherish the group memories, I make effort to capture good moments. Especially for my parents, I work so hard so they have many great photos and videos to share with their social circles. It's one the key things that I make them happy. Same goes with my mother-in-law actually. Mostly our friends highly appreciate it and would love for me to post photos with them and they would tag themselves too. Welcome to the social media life, a parallel universe to compensate a mommy/housewife's unbearably boring reality. And family or friends, some friends are indeed my family out here in this alien place all by myself. I don't have a distinct line to draw family from friends. So ya, I have been consistent with my online presence. I know what I want to display, I have a comprehensive self-profiling done, my content is well articulated, all of it. Especially the part with borderline nudity, it's all about middle fingering to a fucked up world. My way of dealing with it. 

"I don't think it's not safe to post such photos and videos, my prof and S been seeing my half-naked photos for years. But your work is at a big company, it could be weird, I understand. I will only post myself from now, I will ask Noah to take more of my single photos next time. Remind me please. I just simply love it. I am posting my own sexy photos, I love all of those we got on Friday night." I also replied. Now the instruction changed, I actually feel much relieved, no need to worry about hurting people's feelings. 

And guess what, I simply love it, on top of everything. Be it sexy bikinis, Japanese school girl outfit or wild party dancing, I love to share about me in my own social media platforms; right or wrong, I love to speak out for what's in my mind; popular or unpopular, I love to put myself in front of the crowd, as long as I feel that I am the one in control, as long as I feel. People can love it, people can hate it, people are people, I won't change for no people. "You love to do it, and I love it so much that you love it and being so wild." If you have a husband who's like this, who the heck in this world is stopping you? Plus my parents who did much crazier stuff than me and didn't understand the meaning of the word "conservative", who I took to all-nudity hot spring and saw me completely naked among all other naked. 

"You know what's actually not safe for me? Saying things that's against CCP and Xi Jinping. I could very much be disappeared out of thin air, but I have to do what I have to do." I also replied. I think Asians our brains are wired in a very different way, for Chinese we are especially fucked up. A chaotically mixed-up mess of totalitarian oppression, patriarchal suppression, the open and inclusive nature of multiple religions and ethnicities, feminism that is rised from thousands of years brutal exploitation and discrimination, and the half-hearted trial phase of "embracing certain Western values" after 41 years of nationwide lockdown and nonstop genocides and massacres which resulted in an extremely confused but pragmatically promiscuous society. Tell me what is dangerous to share online, for me.

I think it must be the work stress, last week too. We were supposed to go to my prof's home party together. Prof invited Leena and Noah specifically, weeks ago. Leena has been happy about it, excited, thinking what to bring. Then suddenly on that Sunday morning, she didn't feel like going, telling me "It's strange, it's weird for us to go with you." "We said yes, I told them we will come 6 of us together. My prof is my family, it's not weird at all, just a normal gathering, don't over think." "He is your family, not mine." I was actually hurt quite a bit, for her to say so, I was hurt for a good few hours, but I got out. What about I have been treating all of her extended family like mine although I have absolutely nothing to do with them, except they are my sister-in-law's extended family in America? I got no one else here, at least they got brothers or sisters. So I make my friends into my family, I make efforts to take care of anyone who could possibly be my family. That's the way how I survive in this cruel world. People have no idea, do they? Taking the things they have for granted. Even though I was really hurt, we decided to go to Berkeley to find them, because Raj speculated that the two must be fighting hence the bad mood. Then we went to their house at 11am, made them out for a bike ride with the kids, when I was in Costco shopping for the party, she asked me to get gifts for her too. By then I was already fine with whatever they wanted to do, going or not going with me. But ya, I was super happy they made it too, they were happy too. It was a casual family and neighborhood gathering, we ate a lot of good Chinese food. It was a mood swing indeed, and I thought it must also be because that I blew the dance party with her the night before. She was excited to go but I got multiple groups of friends eating whole day in my home until 9pm. That's why I made sure I went to the dance party this weekend with her, I didn't want to ruin her excitement, although my knee still hurts. Anyways, the things I do to make everyone happy. Truth is it made me super happy too, danced a lot in my Japanese school girl outfit which fit the emo theme, so sexy!

The good thing with maturity derived from aging and raising up children is to not react to people's short-lived reactions. I know better now, after some ups and downs. I have figured mostly the problem is not with me because I have never put myself first and always try to take care of everybody else' wellbeing and feelings. As long as I suck up and not react to it, people will come around and everything goes back to normal, because they are all good people too, my closest family and friends. 

Anyways, what do I know, the pressure coming from work to survive, I have never since birth faced a financially strained situation, I had never worked just to survive. Maybe what I am feeling here is simply the nonsense of privilege. Who knows!