Myself

I have finally figured out, why have I been feeling so down lately? It's nothing to do with anything, except that I didn't get time to spend time with myself!

True, I feel sad that I haven't been reading at all since I started back in xxx. Haven't been reading, haven't gotten time to write out my sci-fi novels. But for the past few weeks, since White Paper Revolution, I even lost time to write my dear diaries!

It has been such a ride though, from November end till now. Everyday every hour I have been intensely working, because something I had never imagined happened. 

Gave myself the name 莫默 (meaning "Don't Be Silent", "Refuse to be Silent", implying "Never Kneel", "Never Yield", "Never Surrender") for 10+ years. I mean I like what my dad gave me 墨沫 ("Ink Bubble"), but I love it that I got to choose my own. 

So you think I would be doing nothing when such a big wave of resistance arrives?   

My social media platforms had instantly turned into a battlefield. Publicly, as this normal ordinary Chinese woman, I stopped hiding my sharp sword and dared to shine it right on the face of the tyranny. That is something. Just like how I was the only person to use my real identity and shared "related to India" content. I am true, authentic and real. I could be wrong, I could be immature, but my intention is good and my heart is pure. My whole life is out there for anyone to inspect.

I also re-collected my love and sympathy to the common Chinese people. Wake up, rise up, fight back, my words to all the people who are suffering, who are desperate and hopeless. You want to change the condition of your life? Only one way out: You Gotta Fight. 

All tyranny is built on the bedrocks of obedience, you want the suppression to stop, stop being obedient, stop being indifferent to others' struggles, and fight along side with all the people who are oppressed.

I am super excited about the new development, even though it consumes me like nothing before. Either it's short term or would be long term, I'm proud that I am part of the freedom fight and I serve some purpose in this struggle. 

I am finally awarded with peace to myself, because I didn't hesitate and jumped into the current and fought. 

But I did get sad, simply because I couldn't spend time with myself. 

Do I long for a "soulmate" who would rumble the sweetest and smartest poetic words in my ears and take my breath away? Who I dance with in the deepest ocean in the darkest night? Who I'm entangled with with each and every cell in my body? 

All love and romance is imaginary and delusion. At the end of the day, I am only looking for myself. 

Maybe a different version of myself.

During a conversion, if a person can make you feel content and delight, it indicates that the person possesses higher intelligence than you. I guess I've lost hope for that kind of satisfaction by now, since I have always been the initiator of the currency of happiness. 

People make you happy in different ways. That kind of connection and thrill for me, maybe only myself can take up the task. 

That's why I have kept my diary? Talking to myself is the ultimate comfort when millions of things happen in a split second and time passes by like lightning and flashes?

Time, who told you time progresses in a linear style? Only those moments, those moments which mean something matter. 

"Find the balance between work and life", I guess for me, the most important is to find the balance between work & life and talking to myself.  

The journey is deemed to be lonely, that's a common fate of most people like me. But at least be real and open to yourself, you will find solace in all that you do.