Mess

My mind is a complete mess. Getting through the day robotically for all of my children's classes, developments, fun, then what's left is just me and my mess.

I do like the school though. Teaching children is all about the laugh, giggles and amazement on their faces. When I am there, they are glowing, all of them, 3 classes. That's my way of living in the moment: I use out all my strength so they get to truly enjoy it. Walking among those kids who are having lunch was such a bliss, so many of them knew me, called out to me, saying sweet hellos and waving at me. Many of them from Shiva's class asking: "You the Mystery Reader! Are you coming to our class now?" "Oh sorry, Mrs. L hasn't set up the signup sheet yet, I would love to come and read to you soon!" Then Aditi's class walking pass, kids called out "Ms. MoMo!!!" In school wherever I walk I have to keep answering and smiling to all those kids, loving all of them, what a feeling. My head spinning, I'm out of breath, I don't know there's anything more fun to live for. Last week my voice was gone, when I sang it was kind of out of tune, very funny. Finally this week I regained 80% of my normal voice, I can make very loud noise again. Sang 6 songs read 6 books to about 75 children in 3 classes. The 90 minutes in total, all of the children from 5 to 7 years old were paying great attention and laughing like it's the funniest class for all week. I was sucking on my cough candies the whole time, luckily not even once broke out coughing nonstop. That did happen to me often if I didn't have a candy in my mouth.

But still, my mind is a mess, I don't think it functions anymore. I can't process any thoughts, I can't put things together, I don't know what to think. Was I ever clear about anything? Maybe never. It's not just now maybe, but the way I am, for always? I think deep down I have always known it and maybe that's precisely the reason I never feel like I deserve too much. I will never ask for it, take it. Just a little bit, a little bit here, a little bit there, enough for me to get through the days in my messy way. That's it, life is about getting through each day, isn't it?

How can people plan out things beyond next week or next month? Unbelievable. Who knows where will I be or what strange things I will be doing... However some consistency: loving my children and the kids in school. Sometimes that could be all the meaningful part about a person's life, isn't it? Then why the struggle? Just keep being the Ms. Momo who is full of surprises and funny stories. She might seem constantly lost to adults who don't have imagination anymore. But ya, for children, that's about the definition for fun!  

Yes, my mind is a mess.