A different version

I've always been wondering, if I was brought up in an open and safe environment free from oppression and intimidation, what kind of person would I be? Sweetness and cuteness to the bone? Always soaking wet with dripping syrup and acts like just got pulled out from the jar of fantasies and fairytales? I will for sure be a sci-fi or romantic novel writer in some way. Am I still going to be an outspoken feminist or an activist on political or environmental issues? Not 100% sure...

I see how young Americans being mind free and carefree, not a single concern about the world they live in, what a blessing. Although I don't want my children to be like that, because they still have strong ties to China and non of the governments and high profile either dictators or politicians in this world is to be trusted and spared. Just don't want my children to be cluelessly ignorant about any hidden or potential dangers. 

Never seen a Chinese or Indian being completely mind free, we walk while tilting our heads and peeking back on our tails, just to make sure no one steps on it again. Indians still are way much better than Chinese, the severity of syndromes differs from social class to social class, family to family. Whilst majority of Chinese regardless social origin are tailored to be overcautious, distrustful and faithless, reluctant to inflict any social change. That's why people like us are gold, ha! 

I've always been curious about it, the blissfully innocent version of me, until I got to know my Taiwanese mommy friend C. All are democratic East Asian societies, but in my eyes, Taiwan has much more advanced women empowerment and the society is more open, compared to South Korea and Japan. I never met a South Korean or Japanese woman who was as open and straightforward as Chinese or Taiwanese. They were much more reserved in airing out their opinions and constantly concerned about their appearance, words and deeds. It comes from the preaching of "virtuous women" that was imposed to them since birth, by their family members, schools, mentors, intimate friends/partners and the society as a whole. Some might argue it brings out the upmost beauty in a woman, however I have no personal preferences. A lot of men do get aroused by it, that I am sure. The good thing is Raj would definitely not, he's too used to me who he sometimes even has to pull back so to not cause too much trouble. As a matter of fact, most of the time he enjoys to stay back, watch in silence and adulate. Instigating so I dare to be even crazier is something he loves to do as well. I'm certain my wildness turns him on massively. 

C was pouring all that happiness on me, describing everything they did for new year, showing me photos of all the 36 lavish Chinese dishes she and her Taiwanese friends made. She told me all the stories about her funny girlfriends and their husbands from all over the world; the fun games the children and parents did during the whole day's gathering. She talked nonstop for half an hour, so excited. She has been like this from the moment we met, it has nothing to do with me, it's just her. Mind free in terms of information and emotion sharing, excessive level of generosity, yet intelligent, strong and forward thinking. 

I guess I got a peek of it, the different version of me, if I was lucky enough to grow up in a sunshine society. Actually for most of the time, I am exactly like C, hyper and happy, yet tender. Especially before I fully realized I was brainwashed, life was all good under my dad's big umbrella, chirpy all day long. Then the journey to come to the real world was accompanied with some darkness, the existence of my government added some gray in my soul. But look at my mom, she still is exactly like C, hyper and happy, forever kind, excessively generous, because she never wanted to leave that fake world and come to the real one. Well, as long as she gets whatever she needs in there, she doesn't need to live like me.

I think the darkness is derived from the departure, departure from the old mentality, departure from the old friend circles. It has been a lone journey. I was much more surrounded with all kinds of friendships, popping up in different events with different groups. Declaring what I truly think about my government made myself enemy of most of them, at least alienation. Then the incident happened in 2021 new year, a lot of them couldn't wait to get rid of me, no matter how genuine and helpful I was before. Some of them couldn't waste the opportunity to backstab me, tried to denounce and defame. Some of their words got screenshoted by some of my intimate friends and shared to me. I had absolutely zero interest to know, as well as zero interest to cross-path with them ever again in my life. Why? Because they stand on the side of the oppressor and they lack empathy and dignity. These are acquaintances I made from online over the years though, my real friends from colleges have stayed true with me, it's only that this huge firewall my government erected has been separating us into two completely different worlds.

I told C that next new year if my parents are here, we shall definitely join their group of Taiwanese families, play Majiang together and have fun for a whole few days. My mom is going to come up with 36 lavish dishes all by herself, by the way.