Rainy day

I don't do well with rainy days. I am fundamentally grateful about the rainfall because California urgently needs water, but when it comes to my mood, down down down. 

I don't think it has anything to do with my childhood? Our South is always wet, spring with drizzling light rain and rumbling thunder that never stops for three months, summer with ground-wrenching lightning and pouring storms that often break roofs and flood rivers, then after the dry autumn, hails, icy rain blades and snow for winter. 

Supposedly, I should feel super attached to the 5 out of 365 rainy days in the forever-sunny California, but somehow, I don't do well with rainy days. 

The water is good, I like it when there's actually something coming down. But California doesn't have so much water, only hoovering gloominess that's not heavy enough to make an impact. 

Or am I just gripping onto anything that could be borrowed as a "valid" excuse? 

I'm exhausted. Feeling like being chipped away little by little, getting further and further off the track. No strength neither any will to get myself anywhere.

The most difficult thing in this world is being a full-time mother and not feeling like a maid. Because I am literally a maid if what I do defines who I am. Imagine all my work could be recognized professionally and rewarded with money value, I wouldn't hesitate to proclaim my occupation. Work is work. 

However, it's never about the money. But the desire to be seen being eaten away by unstoppable whines and cries, the longing to belong being drowned by endless dishwashing and clothes-folding. 

I stood up, caught a grip, took a deep breath, and continued to move forward. Then I got knocked down, stomped upon, broke into pieces. So I collected the fragments, sewed my arms back, straightened the legs, and took some more steps. Then I got pushed off the cliff, drowned in the ocean, eaten by fishes. So I assembled my skeleton back, installed a grin, adjusted the skull, and marched my bones on. 

Over and over again, over and over again.

I am exhausted.

I blame the gloominess of the rainy weather.