Three Colors: Blue

I don't really have a favorite for anything. No favorite songs, no favorite bands, no favorite food, no favorite drinks, no favorite books, no favorite authors. I guess it's aligned with my personality, no fixation but a lot of flexibility. I like anything, I like anyone, as long as there's something to like about, matching up to my aspiration. Usually, it's specifically one thing at one time, not bound by names or categorizations. 

Never really had a favorite movie, nor trying to put my mind into defining one.

But this one, this one is something different. 

So many movies touched my heart, made me think over, changed certain perspectives. But this one just stayed with me. 

The cinematography and female angle is absolutely fabulous, nevertheless I only noticed it and am awed by it now, having an ample amount of understanding about feminism, more than 15 years after the first watch. When I was a college 20-year old, it was simply her strength, firmness and kindness that had struck me. 

I didn't completely understand how she felt when she was stuffing the pills into her mouth, neither did I understand what thoughts raced through her mind that lead to spilling the pills out in her hands and said "I can't do it. I'm sorry." 

However, that scene was one of the most impressive for me. Once in a while, it would resurface into my mind without me noticing. Now that I have my own children, I guess I'm finally capable of imagining the intensity in agony as if thousands of iron nails piercing through all the bones in the body. 

In order to live, one needs an unbelievably immense amount of courage and strong will. Finding a purpose in the existence and be convinced to drag on under harsh conditions, you can call that a definition of being fortunate.

No matter what pulled her through, either the sincere love and admiration from an honest and kind man, the unstoppable symphony inside her mind that could burst into powerful volcanos at any minute for a world that's ready to adore, or simply just life itself, life in a world which is tormenting and cruel yet never ceases to be beautiful. 

If we have made up our minds to stay, life is mostly about piecing yourself together from a million broken fragments and getting through one day even one hour at one time. 

After my recent revisit, I found myself landed in a place where what I appreciate the most is the gentleness and kindness deep in her soul. Even when she is completely broken, she would never allow herself to pick up the shattered sharp pieces on the floor and attack the others so as to disguise or outlet her own pain. Even in her worst agony, she still holds on tight to courtesy and the sweetness in personality, she is still a protector, someone you could surely rely on and rest your entire trust to. 

And that is the real strength. 

I had stored the movie on my old desktop, then I went to France, then here. I left my home forever, what I loved in my youth also was left behind and got lost. Although whenever I was not too caught up in life, I would think about it. In fact, I had never stopped thinking about it, I had been searching for it. 

Last night I sobbed through the movie, as if meeting a long-lost friend. 

I don't know how to write out all of my feelings about this movie, I don't know how to analyze it or come up with a review. Neither do I know if am I finally in the state to pick a favorite. 

But this one, this one is something different. 

When I close my eyes, sitting on the park bench in the ray of the evening sun, when I drive through the familiar streets and neighborhoods in the morning haze, when I find myself lost in the entangled complications of emotions and sentiments, I can't stop but feeling my own life through the blue screen, in her eyes that are sorrowful yet filled with light and hope.