A message to my audience

Somehow y'all found me here—silently following my journey and secretly forming opinions about who I really am. And honestly, digging back into my old entries, yeah, I can see why! lol.

Yes, yes, don't panic: this is a diary blog. Whatever you access here is 100% real and genuine, poured straight from my heart based on my actual experiences. You're not reading fiction articulated chronologically by some detached author, hihi. Which makes it 1,000 times more fun, no? It's a real person's life! I don't have a single clue where it's going, who I'll meet next, or what crazy stuff I'll do... I don't think AI can replace this kind of thrill anytime soon, right? Fingers crossed.

For anyone new here, a few basic facts about me:

1. I’ve spent the last five years writing exclusively in English—no Chinese since 2021—because it's how I escape and rebuild.

   • Escape from persecution: Writing in Chinese attracts unwanted attention from authorities. No matter what you write or where you publish—inside or outside China—they keep a close eye on you. But writing in English? They don't care nearly as much. Who knows what AI will change in the future, but for the past five years, everything I wrote in English had zero consequences.

   • Escape from self-censorship: Using a new language helps shape my thinking—a language where I feel free, without hidden rules or landmines waiting to explode.

2. Most of you probably found this site by searching for the "Chinese woman (中印恋人-辛格莫默, real name 郑墨沫) who became the mistress of an Indian man," using my real name, pictures, educational background, etc. Yeah, whatever is circulating on China's "chinternet" about me is absolute lies. China lacks laws to protect fundamental individual rights like privacy or defense against slander and defamation. As a result, fake content using my real name and image thrives in that closed-circuit clown house. As for my current status? Six consecutive years of applications for a Chinese visa/asylum from India, all denied? lol, I can't even...

3. My husband and I legally married on August 17th, 2009, at San Francisco Civic Center, and we have lived in the Bay Area, California, since then. We’ve stayed happily married all these years and now share two human children and one dog child: a 12-year-old boy, a 10-year-old girl, and a 4-month-old puppy girl.

4. Being legally and happily married in a stable, typical family setup—complete with in-laws, parents, and growing kids—doesn't mean my husband and I only have sexual experiences with each other. (Check out the "Sexual Liberation" column of entries in the right sidebar!) Yes, since four years ago, we have started to have a lot of sex with all kinds of different people! We lead an extremely fun, exciting life, and I document all of it right here—consciously, openly, and proudly.

Maybe the way my life has unfolded seems like an impossible dream to most of you, but yeah—I chose it, every single step of the way. I intentionally and wholeheartedly laid down each foundation stone. I safeguarded our little garden with the best intentions and all the strength I have, continuously watering the flowers for almost two decades, without a single day of slacking. I deserve every single drop of nectar from the fruits of the life I built!

That said, can any of you form an opinion about who I really am? I don't think I even can myself. And maybe that's why I keep an open dialogue here—to talk to myself and keep track of who I am—and I don't mind others joining the adventure.

Honestly, I don't think anyone should jump to conclusions about themselves or anybody else. Human beings are utterly complicated, and most of us are sheltered in one way or another. "Shelter" is too light a word; the real word in my mind is "brainwashing." Maybe the only true meaning of this life is to uncover as much as possible: the millions of versions of yourself fused within one physical body, and all the truth along the way.

So what new thing about myself did I uncover? Ha, that's why I wanted to write this entry!

First of all, I have such a "hoodness" in me—a gangster in spirit. I fear nothing: not before actions, not after actions, not in front of people, and not behind their backs. I fear no consequences, and I disregard any established precedent if it fails to convince me by virtue or gets in the way of my curiosity and excitement.

Secondly, I find myself shocked by how I navigate the stories in my life. I am shocked by how I can play along to the fullest extent with the version of myself that best fits the storyline. It's not simply "playing along," but a profound kind of role-playing. And it's nothing inauthentic or fabricated—no, each word, each expression is true and poured straight from my heart. But I know, deep down, exactly what I want to feel and how to get there; I know precisely what I need to do to get the full experience I crave. And the novel experience unfolding in my hands is what truly drives everything.

While that version of myself fluidly steps out to play its part, there are always other versions of me working in the background. Who else do I play? I play the writer, the detective, the investigator. My mind has never stopped fathoming. Ignoring "red flags"? Ha—you should ask if that's just part of the role-play. Not for a single second do I ever lose control to any other version over my writer and detective roles.

Thirdly, as my experience accumulates, I find myself growing stronger and stronger in how I master my own mind. And the way I control my mind is by deciding exactly which version of myself to unleash in any given moment. There are moments meant entirely for play and exploration. Then there are moments that are inherently high-stakes—moments involving vulnerable kids and elders, or relationships I truly cherish and value after years of deep testing, mutual approval, and care. These situations are fundamentally different, and I would never send the same version of myself to face them; I am far too complex for that. 

To truly approach me requires navigating multiple layers of clearance, each one earned through sustained effort and innately good intentions. It takes time—years, at least—to gain even a fraction more access. I have my own ways of testing people, of granting or denying passage. And with me, there is never a way back: once I have made up my mind to move on, it is done forever.

For some love stories, people have tried, and I thoroughly enjoyed the attempt—that effort was a crucial part of the novelty I was looking for. And I got what I needed. But after careful evaluation, I realized they lacked the capacity to push further or generate the kind of sustained novelty I require. So, I simply steered the story to its finish.

Yes, I don't have many friends, and the ones I actually trust and rely on are extremely rare. Raj, for sure; Leena (and Noah as a pack), yay; all the others have earned various levels of clearance over the years; different people hold different levels of access to the openness of my heart, but nobody else is quite there yet. 

So to anyone watching from afar, secretly taking notes or trying to figure out who I really am: welcome to the audience. Enjoy the show, but don't get it twisted—you're watching a master class in living life on one's own terms. The script is unwritten, the detective is always watching, and the next chapter is bound to be wilder than the last. Until then, stay curious.