Logically, all I should do is idle around 😂

Doubting myself?

Combing and reading through new and old articles introducing Chizuko Ueno and China's feminism movements (a lot about the government's suppression efforts). Realized that the perceived world I think I live in is a million miles away from contemporary Chinese. 

I. will. never. fit. in. there. any. more.!

But, ya, probably should address this point at the end of this entry: maybe just in time for me to catch up and learn the Chinese way to better face a Trump era that will probably last well beyond four years.  

Feminism has been effectively dismantled under the continuously malicious attacks from the government and its various hitman agencies. In the mainstream, "feminism" is now mostly used as a flowery decoration to elitism by the "successful". 

Different branches of feminism do still emerge and exist, mainly grassroots and underground. How you associate yourself with the various social classes of women and their different calling for more equality is a thing. People's eyes will be on you when you make a choice!

What the pressure?!  

But then, that has always been the Chinese or Eastern societies, no? You can't just comfortably seclude into your own world without norms and rules; people want to know which side you pick! I mean, if you are an intellectual who writes and shares your thoughts with the public.

It's not that I haven't asked myself this question: Am I really a feminist? Or let's phrase it more accurately: Do my world views on specific topics or my conditions resulting from my life choices conform to a "true feminist"? I know this sounds wildly absurd, but not only does America have Cancel Culture, but in societies where collectivism is more prominent, Cancel Culture is deep in your blood. There's even no name for it; it's simply the fundamental way of life! 

Nevertheless, that's a good question: Where am I? Am I truly a feminist? 

Publicly, I am a happily married woman who conforms to monogamy, a full-time mom in a lot of aspects, and financially dependent. I don't think I could fit in the description of a feminist, even living here in America!

And I have avoided going deep on it this whole time! 

It is hard, any advancement or progress on this path is hard, even just the discussions. I remember how much resistance and rejection were there when I first brought about the debate about monogamy and polyamory to Leena. Even now, I don't really have a clear idea of this. 

When 2024 we traveled to Mexico together, Leena was adamant that monogamy was a fruit of women's fight for equality since "polygamous (one husband with multiple wives) traditions were much more harmful". 

I guess we didn't know anything about the surging development of a polyamory world, which is driven by the feminist movement in a way or the forefront ideals of the world's most renowned feminists. 

How did we know?

Did I betray the ideals of feminism by getting married to one man, willingly having his children, and enjoying the company - oftentimes "exploitation"- of men? Am I not a worthy feminist who is still now (willingly or unwillingly) stuck in this very un-feminist situation? Does a hip but conventional mother count as a feminist?

I do question myself often, afraid that I am not feminist enough, or at all. But I am also aware that the doubting itself is very un-feminist. 

I think one day I should just make peace with it: no matter what situation I'm in today, a true feminist should be more like an ally? Ally of the underrepresented, underprivileged, voiceless, and powerless. Those we want to collect under our wings do not need to be only women, but the whole LGBTQ community counts! Anybody could take the role of a feminist, all that matters is how you perceive it. 

And that's that, then!

(See, I need to write the words out to clear my mind! That's just how my mind works...)

Misogyny as Plato and Aristotle set the tone

The foundation of Western philosophy is misogynous and colonialistic. And this is the world we are living in today through the invasion and dominance of Christianity and colonization. Modern political structures, societal norms, science, and technology are all under this framework. It is the mainstream, whereas Indigenous cultures and values have all been diminished and sidelined, mostly annihilated and dismantled. 

Don't ask me why am I, respect stoicism from a distance, only keen to read Nietzsche. There will be too much to unlearn if I ever get too close. Even though our lives are thoroughly soaked in their ideologies since birth, through the long-lasting effect of colonization and the spread of Christianity.  

Aristotle was firmly convinced that a woman was, in fact, an incomplete or mutilated man. He saw the male as the ultimate realization of humanity and the female as necessarily inferior.

Aristotle believed women were inferior to men. For example, in his work Politics (1254b13–14), Aristotle states, "As regards the sexes, the male is by nature superior and the female inferior, the male ruler and the female subject."  In Politics 1.12 he wrote, "The slave is wholly lacking the deliberative element; the female has it but it lacks authority; the child has it but it is incomplete".

Cynthia Freeland wrote: "Aristotle says that the courage of a man lies in commanding, a woman's lies in obeying; that 'matter yearns for form, as the female for the male and the ugly for the beautiful'; that women have fewer teeth than men; that a female is an incomplete male or 'as it were, a deformity'."  

Aristotle believed that men and women naturally differed both physically and mentally. He claimed that women are "more mischievous, less simple, more impulsive... more compassionate... more easily moved to tears... more jealous, more querulous, more apt to scold and to strike... more prone to despondency and less hopeful... more void of shame or self-respect, more false of speech, more deceptive, of more retentive memory [and]... also more wakeful; more shrinking [and] more difficult to rouse to action" than men. 

He wrote that only fair-skinned women, not darker-skinned women, had a sexual discharge and climaxed. He also believed this discharge could be increased by eating of pungent foods. Aristotle thought a woman's sexual discharge was akin to that of an infertile or amputated male. He concluded that both sexes contributed to the material of generation, but that the female's contribution was in her discharge (as in a male's) rather than within the ovary. 

Aristotle explains how and why the association between man and woman takes on a hierarchical character by commenting on male rule over 'barbarians', or non-Greeks. " By nature, the female has been distinguished from the slave. For nature makes nothing in the manner that the coppersmiths make the Delphic knife – that is, frugally – but, rather, it makes each thing for one purpose. For each thing would do its work most nobly if it had one task rather than many. Among the barbarians the female and the slave have the same status. This is because there are no natural rulers among them but, rather, the association among them is between male and female slave. On account of this, the poets say that 'it is fitting that Greeks rule barbarians', as the barbarian and the slave are by nature the same." 

While Aristotle reduced women's roles in society, and promoted the idea that women should receive less food and nourishment than males, he also criticised the results: a woman, he thought, was then more compassionate, more opinionated, more apt to scold and to strike. He stated that women are more prone to despondency, more void of shame or self-respect, more false of speech, more deceptive, and of having a better memory.

Plato in Timaeus (90e) claims that men who were cowards and were lazy throughout their life shall be reborn as women and in the Laws(781b), he offers his reasons why women should be educated: "Because you neglected this sex, you gradually lost control of a great many things which would be in a far better state today if they had been regulated by law. A woman's natural potential for virtue is inferior to a man's, so she's proportionately a greater danger, perhaps even twice as great." Plato further establishes his opinion on the inferiority of women's "natural potential" by claiming in Republic (455d) that "Women share by nature in every way of life just as men do, but in all of them women are weaker than men." 

Plato appears to use the term "womanish" or "female-like" as an derogatory term implying inferiority and emotional instability, as this is clear from Republic (469d and 605e), amongst others.

Plato discusses this matter with more detail in Timaeus, where he states that men have a superior soul to women (42a): "Humans have a twofold nature, the superior kind should be such as would from then on be called 'man'. He added, once again, that men who led bad lives shall be reborn as women (42b): "And if a person lived a good life throughout the due course of his time, he would at the end return to his dwelling place in his companion star, to live a life of happiness that agreed with his character. But if he failed in this, he would be born a second time, now as a woman." 

The influence of  Aristotelian biology on Christian theology can hardly be underestimated. Aristotle’s biology gave “scientific expression” to the basic patriarchal assumption that the male is the normative and representative expression of the human species and the female is not only secondary and auxiliary to the male but lacks full human status in physical strength, moral self control, and mental capacity. The lesser “nature” thus confirms the female’s subjugation to the male as her “natural” place in the universe. (1985:65)

Yen (2003:1) argues that Plato’s theory on the creation of humankind, where souls were originally implanted in male bodies and given volition, sensation and emotion, paved the way for gender inequality. For Kasubhai (1996:37, 47), the placement of the creation of women in concurrence with the creation of birds, mammals, reptiles and fish is an indication of Plato’s negative views on women. 

 

Next 4 years

 

Painkillers

Been living off painkillers for a week now... Thank heavens for modern medicine. Without it, I think I would have already died during childbirth; even if I had survived, the rest of my life would have been suffering from chronic pain. Or maybe you don't call it chronic pain in my case, but either way, endless suffering. Maybe I would not have survived during childhood! Who knows!

I think this round of pain was fundamentally triggered by herbal tea. Obviously, I miss drinking tea, and I miss it to death. It's been there in my life for as long as I can remember. But since 5 years ago, my stomach started to react to it, I abstain from tea, coffee, and anything that causes acidity. "You should try herbal!" Raj had been nagging me about drinking herbal. Men always think what they believe is absolute correctness, despite your objections based on your own experiences and feelings. 

He had gotten into my head so much, even deep down, I knew my stomach actually reacts to herbal (tea bag) too, I started drinking it one day. Don't get me wrong, I literally fought with Raj constantly, telling him I knew I couldn't take herbal and begging him not to bother with it. But how much of such swinging and persuasion could I endure? In such a triviality of matter, I usually give no thought. One day, my mind finally shut down, and I started believing what he was telling me. A typical life story of mine. Why do women ever want to live with men? I am forever puzzled. 

For an entire week, I was down with severe stomach pain, and since then, my lining has not bounced back. This week, it was just all the things, perhaps the Indian food, which was a little chilly and had too many other spices; perhaps the gin mixed with citrus concentrate; perhaps the lemon pickle S homemade with a unique recipe... My stomach gave up and on the brink of an explosion. Literally, anything caused me severe pain. Thought maybe it was over after three days, but something else would trigger it one day later. Maybe the soup of Pho even! 

Right now, I am all alone taking care of the kids, all I can do is pop pills in the car and stay away from any food. But I need food in my stomach to blend with painkillers! Now, I also wish there were food pills for humans who dislike dining because eating causes so much trouble! But if you take those unnatural pills for months or years, your stomach must be in complete disarray and full of ulcers! Arrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! 

Will never forget how I was in unbearable pain this morning because the effect of the painkiller hadn't kicked in yet, but driving back and forth to the fencing studio for an entire hour, that fast too, to catch up with time. The pain subsided by the end, and I immediately got out of the car to watch my kids' competitions... A typical mother's life -- forever mixed with pain and blood...

Letter to my daughter when she is eight

My beloved daughter, 

I can't believe you are eight years old now! You are such a force of positive energy! Whenever mama thinks about you, the image of you hopping and jumping with an ear-to-ear smile on your face enters my mind. You are a powerful sun ray that can pierce through thick, gloomy clouds; you brighten the lives of everyone around you.  

You have a heart of gold. You are compassionate, understanding, and gentle. You are a great companion to people; you feel what people feel and are almost always considerate towards others. You are also the protector of all animals; you connect with all animals and care for them. Your favorite are dogs; you have been begging us to get you a puppy since you started speaking at two years old. 

Every night, you remind mama at least ten times to put out cat food for Jiji, the stray cat we couldn't adopt, but our neighbors did. Because Jiji came to our house first to seek refugee, we consider him "ours" and would love to pamper him with some treats in the garden. That might have caused him to be slightly overweight because our sweet neighbors care for him well. Hence, we switched to a "weight control" brand of cat food and reduced the amount of our secret treats for him. 

You struck a deal with us to get a puppy on your 10th birthday, under the condition of excelling in maths, reading, coding, and fencing. You are on track to realize the terms of the deal and will eventually succeed in honoring the agreement. We are all so proud of you!

Talking about being proud, mama is so very proud today watching you win most of the fights on the fencing field with your classmates. You are naturally built to excel in fencing; you have lightning-fast reflexes and an incredibly agile mind; You understand complex strategies and are confident to use them; your body is compact, flexible, with surprising strength; but most importantly, you have genuinely put in work and improved significantly since the past year. 

Whenever I check in with your coaches, lovely Coach Bogdan and Ilya from Ukraine, they have great words about your potential and praise your efforts. Mama hopes you continue to make a great effort to learn to fence, be more focused and disciplined, and one day win in regional and national competitions. 

I am delighted you have found and are sticking to your favorite sport after trying out Taekwondo, gymnastics, horse riding, skiing, and swimming for years. You are a talented athlete and active person; I'm sure you will enjoy recreational skiing, swimming, and horse riding throughout your lifetime.  

Last year, we both experienced great excitement cheering for Kamala Harris when she was fighting the presidential election in America, remember? Mama has never taken down the signs of her name from your window and wall of your bedroom, mama's laptop, and Tesla, too. It will remain one of the most cherished memories of your childhood when a brave and accomplished woman who looked exactly like you fought to protect this country, freedom, and democracy. 

Remember the birth dream I had when you were residing inside mama's belly? Mama has a surreal sense that what I saw in that dream is happening now - the world is being ravaged by a gang of giant snakes. And remember the ending of the dream? You are the breathtaking black female snake who will save our forest. Mama can't predict the future, but I can put seeds in your heart, seeds of compassion, confidence, and love. 

No matter what you choose to do in the future, you can choose whatever you want by the way, remember to root yourself in the ground, deep and wide. And the ground comprises Mother Earth that gave birth to you, the voiceless and powerless people who desperately need your help, and the wise voices from human's past. Mama has unwavering faith that you will help make this world a better place, kinder and more tolerant, full of love but not hatred. 

Mama is deeply sorry that I was not capable of changing the world for you, and you still need to face gender and racial discrimination growing up. But hey, we are strong girls and women right? Making the world a better place for the billions of girls and women around the globe is not going to be a task of one generation. I will never stop fighting for it and stand by your side when you are big enough to fight. 

Yes, generally speaking, girls and women are born smaller physically, but our brains are as big as boys' and men's, as fast as well. Whatever they can use their brains to do, we surely can. The truth is women have been put down for thousands of years in past human history; we have lost the sense of how powerful we actually are. Why do we compare to men's achievements? Isn't our current world built by them and filled with constant conflicts, wars, chaos, and self-destruction? We have got to jump out of the box when it comes to reimagining a better world, a world profoundly connected by respect, understanding, and love. Love is what our brains and hearts are most renowned for, and we shall be brave enough to reclaim the space for it in this world and heal it.   

My beautiful daughter, mama is so thrilled that I have brought you here with us. With your enthusiasm and optimism, your endurance and perseverance, and your infinite ability to love and care, you will make a difference in many people's lives.  

Mama is proud of you and loves you forever and ever!

Love, Mama

2025.2.22

Will America fall?

"This time, I was also disenchanted by the "democratic gene" of Americans. I initially thought that in a country that has experienced more than 200 years of democratic baptism, the people should instinctively resist totalitarianism and dictatorship like allergens and will fight back like a conditioned reflex at the slightest sign. 

But the reality is that the American people are not naturally repulsive to totalitarianism, and even a considerable number of people have a "market-oriented" attitude towards dictatorship: as long as the price is right, they are willing to happily offer democracy and freedom with both hands or even pay for it. 

It turns out that they shout about freedom, but if someone gives them a bargaining chip that is tempting enough, such as a sense of security, economic benefits, ideological identity, or even a "cool" political drama, they will not hesitate to give the green light to power, even if the door leads to the abyss. 

This also shows that democracy is not a natural immune system but a fragile product that needs constant vigilance and maintenance." --- Translated by Google

 这次，我对美国人的“民主基因” 也祛魅了。 我原本以为，一个经历了两百多年民主洗礼的国家，民众应该像对过敏原一样本能地抗拒极权和独裁，稍有苗头，就会条件反射般地反击。 

但现实是，美国民众并没有天然排斥极权，甚至相当一部分人，对独裁的态度可以用“市场化”来形容：只要价格合适，他们愿意兴高采烈地把民主和自由双手奉上，甚至倒贴。 

原来，他们嘴上高喊自由，但如果有人给出的筹码足够诱人，比如安全感、经济利益、意识形态认同，甚至一场“看得爽”的政治大戏，他们会毫不犹豫地为权力开绿灯，哪怕那扇门后通向的是深渊。 

这也说明，民主，不是天然的免疫系统，而是一种需要不断警惕、不断维护的脆弱品。

Resist

I have absolutely no freaking idea why my blog has views! I used to only use Google Analytics to check once in a long while and didn't have the impression that my blog had any viewership. Therefore, I have been writing whatever the heck I wanted! But suddenly, now, I saw this. What the fuck is this. What are these clicks??? From where??? Google's system error? Blogger itself doesn't give any insight into the viewers. Hence, I'll be puzzled forever. Should I keep writing here like it's my own secret garden? (I used to ask/beg Raj to read what I wrote, but he had no interest or time, mainly no time. And that was years ago. He never comes here, so I write whatever I want about him. He would check my IG, though, afraid of what crazy stuff Imma post... And besides Raj, who else could have the remotest interest in my diary???) What if Chinese spies are watching me in the dark? But why me? Why here? What the heck? How ridiculous it is, a total waste of time and resources from their front! It's simply my ranting-style girlie-diary besides my ranting on socials (I also don't have the impression that I have any viewership in socials, except Youtube, but my account was deleted, have been happily hiding outside GFW where Chinese users can't reach me). Don't people have more important work to do in life? Lol... 

Anyways!

I believe it is Google's system error at the end of the day. It is plainly not possible. Meh... 

In any case, I won't publish all pieces of my sci-fi fiction as blogs in case they are stolen. But I will keep writing my diaries no matter who are viewing them. It's my way of existing in this world and coping with reality. This world and reality sucks, so I will have to hold up my space for it to suck less.  

Back to writing my diary for the day.

Raj is on a flight to Dubai, and I miss him terribly. During skiing week, the daddies took so much care of the kids, risking lives and breaking backs to encourage kids to ski or catch up with their speed. 

And Raj always has the patience to talk with me for hours and hours. He is utterly, incredibly, profoundly, immensely in love with me, and he doesn't feel right to keep my light hidden and away from the world. That's why he loves to share me in a way, especially when I feel excited and content. But in actuality, he can't live in a world where I'm really shared, such as poly-shared. "Our connection is so deep, it's almost unheard of. I think people who ever experience what we experience, they turn to stay together with themselves." Okay... Maybe... I've got no second opinion on this... 

I miss Raj especially when the world goes upside down. I have to admit, after the last few days, I did get thrown off my calm a little bit. Biden had been such a selfish hypocritic; if he had given all he could to Ukraine, Putin would have been long gone, and the war would have finished a year or two ago. The extreme left, I truly want nothing to do with them! The elitist higher-ups, the greedy politicians, they truly fuck us up over and over again. Because of the extremism from the left, they effortlessly gave away the whole fucking world to a dictator/ gangster/ bully and his dictator bros! What a gangster trio forming in front of our eyes: Russia, China, and the USA, the world's three biggest authoritarian (or on the way to being authoritarian) countries run by old-men dictators. What about Taiwan? Now who's going to protect the Chinese culture we vowed to preserve? The foresight of China's democracy? Turns out Americans don't give a shit about nothing except their white supremacy! I would have never imagined this day, not in a million years, not in my weirdest dreams. What history are we witnessing? Is it still reality, or am I genuinely dreaming? It is wilder than my wildest sci-fi imagination! Well, I have been fearfully anticipating 8 years ago, seeing how things unfolded. 

Women? We are just collateral damage to America's fall into authoritarianism and dictatorship. 

Women are always on the frontline to be slaughtered. It had happened in China over and over again. It's still happening in China and all those fucked-up Middle Eastern extremist countries. Everywhere, basically.   

Why this world is so fucked up? Why?

I miss Raj because, from day one, he has firmly stood on the side of the people who had no voice and no power; he has always believed in the strength of the republic despite all the ups and downs humans went and are going through. I used to be quick to give up, stating, "I'm the oppressed, you wouldn't understand." Raj never allowed me to give up. 

I miss Raj because at a moment like this, with such historical significance, no one else would hold my hands and tell me that I am precious and worthy in my own way, no matter how fast the world could fall into a sudden but inevitable darkness. 

Humans, maybe we are destined to fall.

Some friends started talking about leaving. Felt like visiting an old memory. Parents are traveling in Canada right now, telling me it is way too cold compared to California. India? It will never make me feel comfortable; give it 200 more years, maybe, or 1000 years back before the Mugul and British invasion. Singapore? "It's an authoritarian!" Raj and I exclaimed to our friend simultaneously. Europe? Putin is enabled by our king right now! 

I miss Raj because, at depressing moments like this, he would tell me, "Don't worry, we will always be okay. We can buy a property anywhere in the world and settle there. Right now, California is still the best option, but if that day ever comes, we won't be stranded."

Today, history, detrimental to us, unfolds in front of our eyes. Can't escape, can't fight back, just have to get through somehow. 

***

Okay, enough of ranting. Back to reality. Will get back to the streets and will not stop fighting. This is the entire meaning of why I chose this country to live in, escaping authoritarian China. 

I have seen too many men and women without backbones; because of them, our world falls back into darkness time and time again. But I have, I have the hardest backbones of you all combined, like the millions and millions of us. And I will show you, we will show you.  

lithium · Hans Zimmer - S.T.A.Y. (Madis Remix) Interstellar Theme (2015)

Hotels, Mood

 

User 477755802 · The Way We Were - Tsuyoshi Yamamoto Trio

Back at it

Back in the streets. More will come.

Being there means something.

Being there and shouting out those nasty names means something.
Being there, holding my words up openly and bravely, means something.

At least 20 people stopped and took a photo of me with my sign,

and gave me a thumbs up.

Some of them are considerate, only took photos of the sign but not my face,

they understood how risky it was for me to stand there openly.

Many asked where I was from.

Women came to chat with me, 

one even made a video recording of me telling my life story,

she thought my message was "The Most Important"...

Got so busy with other enjoyment in life, didn't spend enough time 

participating in China-related activism events.

Last time was attending the yearly commemorating Tibetan Uprising Day march in SF.

Being a Han Chinese but supporting Tibetan people meant something significant for them. 

Wanted to go June 4th commemoration again last year but coudln't.

Anyways, definitely should get back to these meaningful matters.

The UFF

 

Because if I ever sense one, I turn my head and flee in the fucking opposite direction!

Live in the Bay Area and have the freedom to choose my own companions,

why do I ever choose from that species?!

The most fortunate thing is, as we get to know each other's deepest secrets,

I realize the most open people are here with me from the beginning!!

Somehow everything worked out fine and we four are settling down in this place

that's the most suitable for us. There would be no place else in this world...

Even though the next four years are going to be so hard...

Now, I don't think about "going away" and "finding a different dwelling".

We just need to stay together, stay focused, and get through.

And we will, no matter what. 

I will do whatever I can to safeguard my organization;

Leena and I will keep advancing on our journey of feminism,

with Noah's help, we will even make some movies.

I am a writer and an actor anyway!

Individually, we all have an evident vision of what we want to

channel our energy into, and we are all on the right track:

Leena's work and political involvement,

Noah's filmmaking, Raj's startup, and my writing.

I tried as much as possible to stay nonchalant and have been relatively calm,

considering the sudden storms that have already started affecting me and my future. 

It's not a bad choice, a very crucial one, in fact.

Only with such an unflappable attitude, 

I can stay focused and get things done.

Being ourselves, existing the way we are, breathing freely and wildly,

it's enough of a force for resistance.

Middle fingers

Just realized I've given way fewer middle fingers in 2024,

gone too soft? 

Or I was too excited about other matters like Kamala,

and forgot about the weight of Roe v. Wade.

Now the dream of first female president was shattered,

and the weight of Roe v. Wade has never been levitated.

Nobody gave a shit about us;

 into the future, it will only be 100x bleaker.

There will be trends and movements that try to put us 

back into "where we belong", 

such as sexual and reproduction tools, good mothers and wives.

Honestly, I like the version of me who gives middle fingers frequently,

(even though I am a good mother, a good wife, and a good girl),

it was almost like a constant mood for 2022 and 2023.

Now, the mood is most definitely having a comeback.

Descending into chaos and unknown

how far into the abyss will we fall? 

the beacon has now extinguished its light

is it "the inevitable" for us humans collectively?

most of us do not carry any light inside,

do we?

what more storms will the future unleash?

the ship has now lost any sense of direction

i thought we were weaving our voices together?

most of them do not care about our song,

do they?

how long this carnage will last?

the blade of the butcher has now been lifted

living in your lamb's oblivious bliss

most of you aren't aware of the ferocious predation,

are you?

[the end of an era]

They Nazis can go Fuck Themselves

 

Stay together and strong for women's health 🌈❤️

Resist, Resist, Resist ✊✊✊

Daydreaming

Never thought about it this way: if there were no financial constraints, if I, as a person but not a mother, got to ask myself what I really want to do besides the million things I'm already doing, what else would I love to add? 

DJ? Thought about it dozens of times, but Nah, as much as I love all kinds of music, DJing is not that appealing to me.  

Theather? Yes, I did so much from middle school through college; so damn good at it, a natural actor, and quite popular at that time. But Nah, better let it stay in the past. 

Create my own wine brand? A hard pass, I only care about getting high, but not about with what, lol. 

Hate skiing, love swimming. But semi-professional swimmer or whatever that needs to stay in the water the whole day? Nah. Without a hot tub and sauna, I enjoy my swimming 20 laps a day top. Best without any clothing.  

Skydiving? Hell no! Did once while I was happily high and hungover. Felt like flying for five seconds but almost shitted in my pants with the free falls. 

Piloting? Captaining in the sea? Tried multiple times, but Nah, never so intrigued. 

As I was maneuvering with speed and perfect precision in the winding, narrow passes in the hills of Fremont, I knew what I would love to do -- Auto Racing. 

I loooooooove driving, and I'm so exceptionally good at it... Unlike Sandra, who is obsessed with the mechanics of Miata, and Mengyu, whose love is channeled all toward motorbikes, I don't care about cars or bikes. I just enjoy the ride. 

Couldn't get over "Battlestar Galactica", the main reason was "Starbuck". I Am Starbuck! Oh Gosh, I'm so fabulously top-notch at taking those babies out for adventures. We will dart, we will twirl, we will glide, we can flip too, and we will be safe back, as always. 

Maybe I will get into it one day. Who knows. What I know is that I didn't allow Raj to sell the all-leather-handmade-by-Frenchmen saddle. When the finances are ready, my kids will certainly get back on them horses, and I will, too. I damn know I'll be fantastic at it with my muscled-up thighs and butt, tiny build as well. I will have a pony the same size as Tony, well condensed, perfectly for me.  

While I was daydreaming about a new chapter of life that could start in 5-10 years, a car moving in the same direction to my left lane in front of me suddenly made a 180-degree turn back to the right and aimed directly toward my car. In a slipt second, I flung my car to the right, missed the drunk motherfucker by a hair's breadth. 

"Fuuuuuuuuck!" I yelled out. "You motherfuckers should get the Fuck out of the street!" 

See, I am an exceptional driver with incredible reflexes!

I am not much bigger than my kids, 

pony like Tony is just right for me.

Popo's home

I was led to climb up the meandering routes along fishing ponds and rice fields. Baba or uncles always had to stop their bicycles or motorbikes and push them upward. I would jump off and walk along. Stories of neighbors falling into the pond at night on the way back home were the neighborhood entertainment at the time. 

Behind the cluster of bamboo trees that belonged to our next-door neighbor, to my astoundment, the fish pond below my popo's little vegetable patch was filled with water. White fog billowed over the surface of the water, revealing the pellucid nature of it. My eyes were fixated on the yellow and brown mucky mud bed mosaic. How crystal clear the body of water was, I was instantly mesmerized.  

"Water! Wow! I don't remember the last time I saw it..." "Do they still have fish in it?" "Wait, am I back?" "Am I really here?!" My mind went a mile a minute, and my breath was filled with exhilaration and apprehension. 

As I felt both heaviness and lightness on my feet, I found myself running towards that gate, that silver metal gate attached to the gray cement wall.

"Popo?!" I called out before I pushed the gate open. 

"Momo!" She stood there and opened her arms. 

As I landed in my popo's embrace, I was enveloped in instant warmth. I lifted up my head and saw her big smile. 

I couldn't say goodbye to my popo when she passed away, but one day in February of 2025, I united with my popo in 1997 in the old house I grew up calling "Popo's home".

It has always been "Popo's home", where I heard birds and crickets orchestra, made firefly lamps, where I had my "stinky egg" for a year and lost him, where we went on countless "expeditions" deep into the mountains and forests, where we splashed icy stream water and sang loud songs, where I was allowed to be free momentarily.

It has always been "Popo's home" in my dreams, where now the whole neighborhood was leveled to construct city buildings. I have never dreamed about the apartments where I spent most of my youth imprisoned, not even my black piano.

My popo was there. She was waiting for me. She understood everything and was not angry with me. And she missed me too. 

If I Could Stay, Why I Ever Leave?

The rising star!

San Francisco Independent Film Festival. In Littel Roxie, we watched a block of short films, a total of four, Noah's "Pigs Fly" was the second to be played. People had a great reaction to "Pigs Fly"; they laughed and exclaimed, and at the end, they cheered and clapped. 

If I have time, I can be a great film critic. Used to write long articles in Chinese introducing iconic women-centric Indian films. What I'm trying to say is, I have incredible taste in movies. I only resonate with films that have souls. As a writer, only those wholesome and vibrant creations that have profound depths can spin the wheels of my mind and trigger infinite fathoming and wandering. 

Therefore, the level of the other three short films in that block we watched shocked me. I had no idea what SF IndieFest could be like, but I won't set any expectations from now on. Noah's film was way out of their league! I saw no soul, no depth, not even wholesome or reasonable creations in the other three. My jaw was dropped on the floor. One director was a very handsome young guy, while we were exiting, he was right on my face in that crowded hall. I couldn't bring myself to say a word to him. Just an "uh," a quick fake smile, then swiftly turned my face away while he was expecting me to greet him. That was super embarrassing.  

Leena and I started typing words on our phones and exchanging them. "What was that?! That was so trashy!" "Now you see the contrast and realize how brilliant Noah's mind is." "Noah is a rising star!" "Noah is such an interesting person with an interesting mind!" We were not able to hold ourselves back. And yes, Noah belongs to the world's top tier of filmmakers and thinkers. It will take some time, but he will surely reach there.

We went out celebrating, I got high with a new friend. As Noah and Leena were heading back home while the others continued entering the dance club, I held on to Noah. I was hugging him a hundred times before letting him go. Well, when I'm high on alcohol, I tell/show people my true feelings. I am as transparent as see-through glass! I kept telling Noah how much I loved and appreciated him, how brilliant he was, and how sure I was that he would be a superstar. Whenever I get a chance, I make sure to tell Noah how much I love him and support him for whatever he chooses to do in life. I want him to know that Leena is there for him, I am too, as much as Leena, at least according to my wish. I started doing this after Noah's incident last year. Vocal affirmation and expression of love are crucial for the people you care about. I need to let them know how important they are to me, maybe at a critical moment, that could be a part of their core strength. Noah is my family, with whom I developed profound emotions and relationships. 

Look how Noah answered the questions with such poise and lightness. Effortlessly exhibited his competency and charisma.

And yes, I made a new friend! She is Luke's girlfriend, the leading actor. She is so wild. Am I a collector of wild women? Luke is as open-minded as Noah and Raj. I sensed it instantly on the day when I first met him at the shooting. She is ten years older than him. He adores her to the core, even though they only met two and a half months ago. Whenever she said or did something nuts (according to normal people), he would lean forward and French kiss her like he had been waiting for this crazy woman his whole life. They once got kicked out of Cat Club. And they are both bi. Obviously, they also got our essential bio, which is interesting too. 

At one point, Leena, Stephani, and I, three women, went into the bathroom together because we wanted to see our breasts' sizes. We got in, at first, we admired but kept a respectful distance to the giant cock displayed on the wall; then we took off our clothes one by one so all could touch and measure the sizes and appreciate the shapes. They loved my perky nipples, which were sucked by two children in a total of 3.5 years. Obviously, we already knew we were three bi-women before all of this. We eventually stripped each other down to the knees to admire our fabulous butts. We bent down to take a close look; we grabbed them and measured their softness and firmness with our fingers.

I told Raj today, and he was like, "See, we guys can never do that! Showing our dicks to each other and comparing them? You girls are so beautiful and tender, you can do whatever the heck you want." Well, if we couldn't even appreciate our objectified bodies together, what fun is there at all for us? 

Sometimes, I hate myself to be able to only fall in love with men. Why not women? Why? Women are so kind and emotional, they understand how I feel and they will always make time for me. We three bi-women with the "men love(s) of our lives" actually have the exact same problem! Why not women?!?

Stephani, Luke, Raj, and I continued in Cat Club. I ended up kissing and dancing provocatively with Stepahni on that high stage when the crowd below cheered for us. Forgot how much Stephani and I kissed in front of the whole club, but ya, we were wild, and a lot of tongues and fingers were used. Maybe next time, Raj and Luke can kiss each other too.   

Leena's 33rd birthday is coming up, and we will have a lot of girls' nightouts. I'm feeling miserably sad that I couldn't meet the person I really want to meet for such a long time. I don't even know if we will ever meet again. Things change all the time. I lost taste in relevant fun because of this situation. I often found myself silently crying to my pillow. I wanted so much to talk to him all the time, but I did not allow myself to do so because I was scared of bothering him. Therefore, I really need girls I love to be around. That's the only comparable delight right now.

Went to SF today, it's good to be out in the sun and walk for hours.

I haven't got Influenza A yet, I'm waiting...

All dropped like flies

Wednesday night, son couldn't sleep the whole night, with a high fever, crying, tossing, and sitting up. I was demanded to be by his side. "Mama, I don't feel good. Mama, I don't feel good." nonstop, even with medicine intake. Neither of us slept that night.

Thursday, son stayed home, continued to cry, and complained that his entire body ached. I canceled everything and was demanded to sit by his side. I took some naps with him during the day. 

Thursday afternoon, took my son to the doctor's office, diagnosed with Influenza A. "The whole school is sick! Every kid is sick!" the doctor told us. Meanwhile, daughter started feeling sick. 

Thursday night, son still complained about whole-body pain but slept through most of the night. Daughter started vomiting and having a high fever. Daughter started crying nonstop and vomited every hour or so. Whatever she ate, she vomited right away, the fever wouldn't drop because she vomited out all her medicine intake. "Mama, I don't feel good. Mama, I don't feel good!" throughout the night. I was demanded to be by her side. She managed to sleep half of the night, and so did I. 

Was supposed to go with Noah to one of the SF Indie Film Fest events on Thursday night. Leena didn't want to go, so I tried to accompany Noah. Leena later changed her mind, which was better because I was not able to leave the kids anyway and most probably carried all that Influenza A virus.

Friday, both kids stayed home. Sitting on the sofa, vomiting, dosing off, complaining, crying and calling out to "Mama", "Mama", "Mama" nonstop. The good time was when both of them were able to watch a little bit of TV or sleep. 

Friday night, daughter's fever was still high, vomiting didn't stop. She complained throughout the night. She demanded I be within reachable distance of her the whole time because she was constantly feeling the turning-around sensations and couldn't grasp reality. I can imagine how terrible that could be. I haven't had a good fever since I had the two kids. 

This round, everybody else dropped like a fly. Raj started to fall sick on Friday morning, and my parents did too on Friday afternoon. Raj was bummed that we couldn't attend a party planned by some people months ago; whilst I was super relieved that we didn't need to go. 

I haven't started feeling anything yet. "Mommy duty" keeps me bulletproof and resilient. I'm pretty sure my time will come when both kids fully recover. Getting sick on the spot is a high privilege since mothers always get the lag effect. The worrying thing is, I am the only one who didn't get a flu vaccine for this season. My last flu vaccine was in 2023; in 2024, I was too busy getting other types of vaccinations because of different issues, and the flu slipped out of my schedule. True story of a mother. Let's wait and see what happens to me with Influenza A in the spring of 2025...

"Maybe we could drive to Napa tomorrow and take photos, it's going to be sunny!" Raj was suggesting, rather imposing, it on Friday. What world does he live in? Oh, right, the one who stayed awake the whole night was not him! Kids sometimes would call out to "Papa" if "Mama" was unavailable temporarily...

I wish my daughter could be better by the evening so Raj and I can attend Noah's short film premier at SF IndiFest... I have been thinking about "Walking the Red Carpet" for months since the day Noah's film "Pigs Fly" was selected for the festival. I had a two-second silent role as a camera person in that film. I'm ultimately proud of that! There's a chance we'll miss this event entirely... (>.<)

Raj said he took Night Quill, so he slept through the night and felt much better. Son did that too. They are on their way to the California Academy of Sciences. Right before they left, Raj had to lash out at me for not printing out my son's homework yesterday since he was absent from school for two days. Who gave men so much power? Society took away the means and my will to sustain myself financially and put me forever under men. 

No matter how much I resisted, Raj could take out on me anytime, on any small thing, especially when he was stressed at work. He would refute and claim that he was not loud, but it was all shouting and accusing in my ears. He would also immediately apologize and buy me many nice things whenever he could. Sometimes, for days, because of the stress at work, he would continuously lash out at me for no reason. Then, he would feel bad afterward. But it would happen again soon. I'm just so numb and used to it by now unless I have enough strength to push back at that moment. No wonder I enjoy all encounters when men talk and act gently and softly with me, even only momentarily. It is what it is. I'm only trying my best to train my son to not be this entitled; sometimes, it's hard when he has an example to follow. 

While Raj has good reasons to feel stressed about his work, "feeding the whole family", "making y'all's life so comfortable", I have never projected any financial expectations on him. When he was jumping from startup to startup without basic salaries, I was chill and calm, put aside whatever dreams I had, and got back to earning. I was happy when we were poor, and I never cared about expensive things. All that Raj is going to achieve will add to Raj's own fame. Nobody will come forward and sincerely congratulate me; nobody will give me more respect as if they think I deserve it. "Stay-at-home moms" are the least deserving kind of human beings in this sickened society we live in today. And compared to what Raj could earn, I will be stuck in the "stay-at-home mom" category for eternity. 

With most people, I don't bother to discuss what I do as paying work or what I do as dreams and aspirations. Who, ultimately, cares? I even crave to feel that unintended hint of contempt and pity out from people's noses when I reply "What do you do?" to "I just take care of the kids". It's not unfun. Most of them won't resonate if I pull out cards with my work written all over them or the imaginary worlds I have in my mind, will they? So why bother? I'm your stereotypical grandiose stay-at-home wife who leeches on a successful startup husband! What a lucky woman! 

Friday made me laugh

What does anybody else know anything about us? 

We don't even know much about ourselves yet!

The fact that after almost 17 years together, used to see things through only one angle,

 today, we can wake up with a big wide heart, accepting whatever happened last night,

is the best fun of choosing a liberal but not conservative way of life and mindset. 

Openness, brings us human beings together.

Closeness, breaks us human beings apart. 

And no one, no one with no amount of money and resources,

can deter us from discovering what's within.

Those with a certain amount of money and resources,

treating themselves as kings who reign over,

are merely clowns that serve as my laughingstock. 

It is Real

As I write this down, I still feel the goosebumps in my skin. 

Lola's story. 

During the pandemic lockdown, the four got to know each other. All four were born in 1977 or 1979. They are all Chinese women in America and are all professional healers. They simultaneously felt a strong connection among the four after meeting in person. They sensed something was going on. They decided to go on a spiritual healing trip, and afterward, respectively, they received dreams revealing their past life story and why they were here in this life. Their separated dreams told them the same story. A few hundred years ago in China, they experienced that life-altering event together when they died young, so they came to this life to relive. One of them was a scribe back then, a writer and poet this life too. Hence, she got the entire history record, exact time, location, people, and chain of events. Not all four are close; in that past life, some conflicts existed. Lola is close to one of them, they have become lifelong friends. 

This has to be the first encounter in my life that verifies all of what I have been experiencing is real. 

I told Lola I was super intrigued and wished to receive one of the spiritual awakening trips with a healer someday. I am curious to learn more about my life here and my connections with people in my life. I told Lola I am on the edge of being connected with the spiritual world(s) and have often experienced some sort of events. The most significant is carrying my two children and bringing them to earth. I am the bridge that brought them here and act as their guardian. They both are deities and came down here for a reason. I received vivid dreams during my pregnancies as messages as to why they were here. 

I told Lola that I believed 4am was when spirits would come and find me. I did have encounters like that when I was jetlagged. I had vivid dreams when spirits paid me a visit and left me messages, I woke up suddenly, saw the time, and it was exactly 4am. To which Lola replied, yes, 4am is precisely the time when spirits are the most active and well-connected to our world. 4am is the time monks wake up to connect to the upper world. I had no knowledge about this information before, which also gave me chills. 

In this world that I exist in, everything is connected and intertwined. Nothing is for no reason. Dreams are where I sometimes see things: faces, reasons, emotions, and connections. If people have a strong will to be connected with me, and I also have the will at a similar energy level, I can eventually sense it all in my subconsciousness via dreams. I believe when my popo was passing last March, I did use my power to build a bridge to reach her, and she saw me and received my messages. 

What happened in past lives is not that important to me unless it explains my connection with people in this life. Some connections are so strong and inexplicable, so sudden too, and oftentimes have something to do with past lives. 

Lola told me that I could ask spirits to come and pay me a visit; if I wished to know more, they could tell me via dreams. "But make sure you only ask for benevolent spirits because you could attract anything." I told her I was not afraid because there were many guardians around me, and I always felt protected. "You can ensure the spirits you invite should all pass through your gods and goddesses." "Yes, that's a good idea, I will make it a general rule!" I think it has always been a general rule anyway, when you are protected heavily by deities, you can feel their presence in each of your cells. 

People often tell me that I "bring along positive energy". I'm not sure how many really understand "energy"; maybe most of them meant that I am a happy and sunny simple person. But I believe there is something people constantly send out and receive, some sort of vibration. That could be the real presence of the universe, a web to connect everything. Maybe a different tier of existence, not easily accessible to us earthy beings, but it's the determining factor behind everything that's happening here.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, we will have closure; sometimes, we won't. Maybe that's the fun part of being here, but not up there. 

the rain again

 

again, the nonstop wuthering rain

perfectly like last time

didn't see your face

but the closest I ever got

soothed in your words

that was calm, warm and wise

what a dream

merely a moment ago

stuck in the struggle to make sense

a sudden turn at the corner

gifted what I've been longing for

"in love? 

that's never beyond one's own image and imagination!"

could be, 

very much true in fact

but the kisses were real

why does any of it matter?

if I'm true to myself

as much as you are to you

aren't we all on our own respective journeys?

when our universes cross

it left warmth but no despair

light but no darkness

isn't it the true magic?

twirling in the chaotic nebula

we're forever linked

by that illuminating starlight

we both witnessed 

Kisnou · Kisnou & Blure - Falling Deeper (from "Same Destiny" EP)

The Lighthouse

My work project for last and this week has been about feminism in China. Went through a lot of pages: documentation of some famous sexual violation cases, the individuals involved, their stories, women's sorrow and courage...

It's one of the most significant paradoxes: you are your own universe, your thoughts and actions are connecting this world around you, you hold your own power Versus reality, the reality of women and the masses who are systemically oppressed. 

What universe do I exactly exist? Maybe when I'm conscious it's one, when I'm unconscious I fly to another?   

As a physically and spiritually newly liberated woman, I have healed my old wounds. I got rid of the anxiety, the scare, and the distrust. I don't anymore find myself revisiting what happened when I was young and miserably hurt. I'm still intimidated by most men though, I'd rather have nothing to do with any of them. However I do have some good days when I'm more of the acceptive version, not afraid to let loose my feminine energy. 

The thing is, I never gotten past being picky. Yes I can pretend - with most people, I'm rarely myself. Count the people I'm truly comfortable and relaxed with? Maybe one? Maximum Two? And looking for such encounters has never been my goal. If it drops from the sky, I'll take it; if not, I'd be happy anyway.

I knew I had a strong connection with this song since the beginning! The 76 y/o Rock n Roll Queen Stevie Nicks released this song last year in September following the overruling of Roe v. Wade to promote women's rights. 

Aren't we our own universes? The entire world surrounding us is derived from us. Everything is interlinked by our energy and perception. Your power lies in the will to tap into the matters you care about. Whatever has the energy level to win your attention, you have equal power to alter its path. Everything is in your mind. When you close your eyes, the world goes dark; when you open your mind, the same world will be connected to the power source. 

Then what are we afraid of? Who is to stop us?

"The Lighthouse"

by Stevie Nicks

 I have my scars, you have yours 

Don't let them take your power 

Don't leave it alone in the final hours 

They'll take your soul, they'll take your power 

Don't close your eyes and hope for the best 

The dark is out there, the light is going fast 

Until the final hours, your life's forever changed 

And all the rights that you had yesterday

 Are taken away 

And now you're afraid 

You should be afraid 

Should be afraid 

Because everything I fought for 

Long ago in a dream is gone 

Someone said the dream is not over 

The dream has just begun, or 

Is it a nightmare? 

Is it a lasting scar? 

It is unless you save it and that's that 

Unless you stand up and take it back 

And take it back 

I have my scars, you have yours 

Don't let them take your power 

Don't leave it alone in the final hours 

They'll take your soul, they'll take your power 

Unless you stand up and take it back 

Try to see the future and get mad 

It's slipping through your fingers, you don't have what you had 

You don't have much time to get it back 

I wanna be the lighthouse 

Bring all of you together 

Bring it out in a song 

Bring it out in stormy weather 

Tell them the story 

I wanna teach 'em to fight 

I wanna tell 'em this has happened before 

Don't let it happen again 

I have my scars, you have yours 

Don't let them take your power 

Don't leave it alone in the final hours 

They'll take your soul, they'll take your power 

Unless you save it and that's that 

Unless you stand up and take it back 

Try to see the future and get mad 

It's slipping through your fingers, you don't have what you had 

You don't have much time 

You gotta get in the game 

You gotta learn how to play 

You gotta make a change 

You gotta do it today 

In the midnight hour, they'll slam the door 

Make you forget what you were fighting for 

Put you back in your place, they'll shut you down 

You better learn how to fight, you better say it out loud