Autumn 🍂🍃

Just like that, I am healed. 

Surrounded by friends who care and love, I am healed.

Heart can be torn, it can ache, it can bleed.

But it will also become whole again. 

I call them

"My Greek Goddess and My Greek God"

The primary group

Of course, it left some marks on me. I'm now genuinely scared. I'm scared to feel too much, and I sometimes find that I force myself to turn my head away. I wasn't much more open about my feelings before this; I'm used to hiding behind glass masks. This world is built on cruel ground; you learn to harden along the way.

Then I guess I was indeed hurt. I'd pretend I wasn't. I pretended it was nothing, or that it was supposed to be like this. But the feeling of wanting something or someone in such a pure, earnest, and powerless way, but not being wanted back with the same intensity - no, far from it - is extremely painful. It was as real as it could get for me. As a consequence, I now subconsciously force myself not to lose my guard or let go.

I can't. I'm scared. I won't. I don't want to allow myself to feel too much anymore. Even if I were to get lost in the sudden bombs of intimacy and its aftermath, I wish to pull myself away as soon as the option becomes possible to me. I don't feel safe to expand my tentacles of feelings and grant my trust to people so easily anymore.

I am so vulnerable.

Lost in the steel and concrete structures, where most people choose to shield themselves so they won't need to feel, I am out of place.

Then I suddenly got my group of friends. My girl crush is most probably going to go through a breakup soon. Teacher Li went through a pretty bad heartbreak half a year ago. I told them we should have made this "breakup/heartbreak help plan" a long time ago because I "fell in love with a playmate" last eight or nine months, and without you guys being there for me, I was often crying myself to sleep. Aren't we Chinese too soft and too ready to fall in love or be in relationships??? 

Now we've established the "breakup/heartbreak help plan" in our group: whenever one of us is going through something like that, we make sure to take them out for food, have a ride in the Miata, sing on the beach, and enjoy karaoke together. Crying or getting drunk by oneself is dangerous and unhealthy; we will cry and laugh together.

And we just realized my 14-year best friend Sandra and my girl crush are both Miata fans. I sent Sandra photos of the friends who are coming to Sunday dinner, and she immediately recognized that my girl crush has a Miata. I had no idea. These two Chinese Miata fans must be the rarest creatures in the Miata community, and I am so glad that they found each other through me. I expect hours of nonstop Miata talks between the two.

Just like that, my heart felt full.

I'm still scared, and I still suppress most of my feelings and emotions so as not to get hurt, but laughing at the jokes we crack throughout the day makes my heart full. More than that, knowing I now have a group of friends I can talk freely with about everything and anything, and who care for me as intensely as I care for them, makes my heart truly full.

It makes me strong.

They make me strong.

Girl Crush

I met her at the event commemorating June 4th. I was singing with "Teacher Li." She came forward to talk to me afterwards. I was wearing a mask; she didn't. Oh my gosh, she was so handsome. Her hair was dyed yellow, and she had an attractive face with sharp yet soft features. My heart jumped a little, and I was thinking in my mind, "I could totally kiss this girl and go down on her." That was the first time ever that I felt this way for a woman. I had had sex with dozens of women by then. Women had kissed me, eaten me out, even fucked me with a strapon. I had kissed women on their lips, chests, and caressed all over their bodies, but had not yet progressed into eating them out.

Therefore, after I met my girl crush, I officially announced myself as "bi." I updated my bio on social media mainly for her to see, hoping that she liked girls too.

As a small aside, the night I met my girl crush was the same night I played with "my guy." I rushed to the Oakland hotel after my little music performance in SF. For the next few months, I was thrown off my track because of being "in love" with "my guy," not knowing that it was probably the last time I would ever see him, no matter how much I wanted him to be in my life. What I didn't realize was that a different person - who would become important in my life in a much more profound and impactful way - appeared on the same night.

My girl crush wanted to join us to form a band. Since then, she, Teacher Li, Ginger, and two or three other girls have been practicing music, irregularly, in my house. Our band group chat on Signal has always been active, as we try to find ways to meet each other. One day, I started talking about sexual liberty. Then one thing led to another: Khajuraho, religious suppression, feminism, patriarchy, and lifestyle. I was feeling very passionate about it and sharing it all with my Chinese bandmates. We talked about how and why people in the Bay Area were so open about sexuality, and my girl crush let us know she was a part of the same community. She then separately sent me messages telling me she was gender queer and poly. She goes to ABCD (all but cis dudes) sex parties. I told her I wanted to go with her one day.

I think by then our liking for each other was pretty obvious. We always look at each other deep in the eyes and smile sweetly. She was always willing to talk to me and be open. I felt very comfortable with her. Although I totally suck at flirting, I tried my best to express my feelings and emotions in the group chat, making sure I "heart" her content all the time and replied to her messages with diligence and care.

On Monday night, we met at Ginger's house. The moment my girl crush arrived there, she announced to us all that she had just gotten a piercing on her clitoris. Later, she also opened up to me about the tough situation she and her partner were facing. She used to be poly - still poly at the core - but now only has this one partner. The problem is that the partner gets jealous and is not willing to grant freedom to her while she enjoys all the freedom. I have been following up with my girl crush, offering encouragement to sort out equality and mutual respect in the relationship, because that's the only way any relationship could last.

Oh, Monday night, we had so much laughter that my stomach was literally cramping and in pain. The three feminists were trying to explain feminism and patriarchy to "Teacher Li," who still believes in "love at first sight," "true love," and the bullshit idea that "men should protect women because men are stronger, women are weaker." "Teacher Li" thought the clitoris piercing was a new birth control method, and he had no idea how to make women cum!

So now, we are looking forward to: first, more regular band practices and performances; second, my joining my girl crush in one of the ABCD sex parties, after she sorts out the relationship with her partner, most probably I would finally get to kiss her, and go down on her, getting my first "eating out" experience, with a beautiful pussy in piercing; and third, but most excitingly, some of us want to find a time to cram into her tiny cool car and ride off in the wild!

A new chapter

It may have been worth my time and emotions, or maybe not. Whatever happened, I have no regrets, and I don't look back. Perhaps it was something I had to go through - some unfinished business with my first love. Whatever it was, that chapter has now closed.

Finally, I am entering a new one.

In this new chapter, I'm determined to live a life free of the curse of binary doctrine that the churches, kingdoms, regimes, and male dictators have set up and imposed on us for thousands of years. In this new chapter, I'm redefining love and relationships for myself and searching for them, following my innate feminine calling.

Love, profound connections, and even romantic relationships exist everywhere you encounter human beings. In its most prominent form, it is friendship. What do Raj and I have? I think the most precise definition is friendship, especially since sexuality is no longer a restricted practice we preserve only for ourselves. Yes, at the core of the relationship between Raj and me is friendship.

Most likely, within my lifetime, I won't be able to build something as grand, deep, and solid with anyone other than Raj, simply because of the limitations on energy and time we face. But each connection and relationship can have its own jewels, and I am open to that. I'm open to countless friendships with people I collect along the way.

The people should freely fall somewhere, anywhere, on the spectrum regarding their sexual, political, and philosophical identities, and our friendships should as well. Everything is a spectrum - nature, and the beings that reside in nature should all be fluid. My mind is not going to be restricted and limited by the binary imagination anymore.

What's binary? Men vs. women, masculine power vs. anti-masculine power. While men are the masters of the social structure they constructed, all the other things and beings, including women, are possessions of men. Only by possessing women can men ensure the reproduction process is controlled, allowing them to retain property and material wealth through their own bloodline.

Since when have humans become such pathetic beings? Degradingly pathetic.

But I also openly let Raj know that, as I enter this new chapter, I look forward to establishing relationships on my own terms and exploring my innate feminine powers in my own way. You are welcome to accept me and join me, but if you can't move along with me - out of the old, stale binary world into the world of spectrums and love - I am afraid that one day I won't be able to find my connection to you back in there.

And of course, Raj has already been waving his thongs on a pole stick, having his giant dark cock out, rooting down somewhere middle in the arched rainbow, waiting for me.

Bird

not able to fix my forms

struggling to escape the storms

thrown in constant transforms

always find myself in tiny new swarms

reality is a thunderstorm

we all are alone on the center platform

try my best to not conform

all I long for is be kept warm

donnaxtine · I'm Like a Bird - Nelly Furtado (Cover)

A message to the team

We had a fabulous night experiencing rope and BDSM kink in a workshop format! I really enjoyed being tied up; the process is utterly sensual to me. Raj was instantly turned on by learning to tie me up and by exhibiting that he was capable of this skill and could be creative too; seeing my partner being turned on while working on me also turned me on. Later on, I suddenly recalled that when I was much younger, I was sometimes fascinated and aroused by the thought of being tied up in Shibari style, or the thought of BDSM, but I never had the time or opportunity to explore. Life then got really busy with kids. Also, I enjoyed the process last night because I had two guys working on me together; I was comfortably supported and cared for while being slowly restrained. (I believe that, in Japan, when high-class individuals engaged in rope play, they often had assistance.) We ended up having a threesome with me restrained. I think Raj and I have finally reached a point where we are mature enough to understand and delve deeper into this art, using it to add much more pleasure and excitement to our journey.

Let me tell Tomás the story of our recent Vegas trip. We started microdosing before we even arrived, and we basically tripped for 48 hours nonstop. We had a five-person orgy the first night. Side story: from Feeld we got this gorgeous couple in their late 50s and a young single guy to join us in our hotel room. The woman was so intelligent and experienced, very open and kind to include me and teach me too. I had a great time partnering with, pleasuring, learning from, and exchanging thoughts with her. The two guys, although they claimed to be in the lifestyle for years, were not used to group play or an MFM threesome and they were so nervous. Luckily, Raj took up the challenge and made up for the other guys; he made the woman very happy. In fact, the guys continuously worked on me and kept me warm. Even though they were too shocked to perform, they continuously showed their sincere amazement and appreciation for me, which was quite enjoyable too. I think local Vegas people are way less wild than people in the Bay Area. While for us, sex is as natural as dining out with friends, we are used to all kinds of situations. After 4-5 hours of play in the room, we also sat with the couple in the bar downstairs and chatted with them for hours. Raj and I were tripping so hard, we were sharing some of our crazy stories and laughing nonstop; the couple also tripped with us because of how much we were giggling.

During the 48 hours of tripping in Vegas, we had great sex - with ourselves and with new people. We visited many bars, enjoyed a concert at the beach club, danced a lot in the nightclub, went to multiple sex clubs throughout the day, and enjoyed nudity and sex in the open. Side story: In one of the sex clubs, there were separate rooms with closed doors for couples to have sex. Couples looking for a threesome or group play would pick the single guys or couples and take them into private rooms. I demanded the two single guys who approached me have sex with me on the open bed, but they couldn't do it because people came to watch. I realized not many people in the world are used to what we do here on a regular basis, and I found that quite funny.

Due to the effect of consistent microdosing and stimulation, the craving for sex was building up in me. By the 35th hour or so, I already had four incredible orgasms while music turned into flying visual notes and dancing neon lights that waved their way from the dark abyss of space into my brain. But I wanted more. I was feeling that the entirety of my sex organ had turned into a 100-petaled flower that was on the verge of blooming; each petal had its own color, shape, texture, rhythm, and story. Then, after we got back from hours of dancing, around 4 a.m. in our Vegas hotel room, Raj fucked me again, and I felt my flower was blooming in the freest style I could imagine. And I suddenly found myself inside the body of a woman with a different demeanor: I started to speak - like in porn! Words just started bubbling out from me, and I was expressing wildly: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, baby, so biiiig... I love your big cock! Fill me up, please... oh this feels so goooood...don't stop..." I have always been nonverbal during sex; therefore, this was an out-of-body experience for me.

I believe that was definitely a new high for me, one I can only reach under extreme circumstances. But I want to recreate and relive that. I want to experience that level of excitement when I could naturally open up, even to the point of being able to speak during sex. The truth is, born and raised in today's world that's designed and constructed by men, I have never learned to tap into my innate feminine power. We have no idea what defines it, what it does, or how far-reaching and powerful it could be. Everything that exists in my world is seen through male perspectives and is a product of that, be it arts, social norms and constructs, politics, economics, philosophy, education, technology, and most strikingly, sexuality, emotions, and language/expression. So far, I only know that feminine energy craves connections - deep connections with the land and all the living things on it - and that we crave and thrive on deep connections with people around us.

Since today's world - and the direction humans (men) have taken - doesn't resemble a time when feminine energy exhibits its equal power, I don't intend to approach things aiming for a change. (I think it's way too late; I'm actually writing a sci-fi novel about it.) In fact, no need to mention "equal power"; we are practically non-existent, nonverbal, intentionally wiped out, and we don't have the remotest imagination for what a world built upon our energy could look like. I now just want to exist and live on my own terms, trying to ask questions about the existing concepts and underlying rules, and seek the truth within myself in spite of what we have been indoctrinated since birth. So yeah, rebuilding my own sexuality is one of the things I would love to continuously do; I believe it defines me in a fundamental way. And I am ultimately grateful for the open-minded and kind people in my life who support me in this pursuit; I will also be their strongest support in their journeys.

The reason I'm writing all of the above is that I realized (and Raj and I both feel the same way), this journey is much more fun with more people; MFM is always at the top of our list. Also, I found myself completely swept away by Tomás's style of sensual play and lovemaking. We played with guys who were highly skilled at sensual play, but I never felt this way before. I even feel that Tomás's style is tailor-made for me. And I thank both of you for being so open and communicative, which made me feel encouraged to be open with you. I hope this is okay with you both.

What if I tell you some things I'm excited about doing together with you two?

A private room threesome, for sure! Also, nature and semi-public spaces - hot springs, sex clubs, beaches, you name it! I want to explore more Shibari and BDSM, but I will always prefer two guys with me on it. I want to go listen to live music with you two too. Music is something extremely sensual to me; it turns me on right away and feeds me all kinds of feelings and emotions. I'd love to enjoy some live shows with you both, like jazz at Yoshi's, and then go back to a hotel room. I'd love to go with you two next Thursday for the show; let's confirm it in the next day or two. I think as we play more, my naughty list will surely grow. I hope you guys can handle it!

A tale of two rooms

I used to be very intimidated by men. I still am on most occasions.

Before the app, which we started last year in October, we used other websites, such as Reddit or the local club's internal matching sites. They didn't give us much success - some, but mostly temporary.

This couple was from the internal matching site of Twist, a famous SF club. We played with this couple a total of five times until I finally gathered enough strength to get out. The vibe check was amazing because the wife was so smart and sensible. I chatted the entire time with her about China, India, America, history, and politics. She had a good sense of what was going on in the world and was able to get into details with me.

She was like me: she makes a great deal of effort for her husband. The difference between them and us was the husband. My Raj loves me to the core and would put me first for anything. I am not so sure about their relationship.

For the first few times, the husband would just come and grab me, keeping me to himself for the entirety of the play, for hours. And he was rough on me; I almost felt like I was being assaulted, raped. Since they came as a couple and the wife was making my husband feel loved - she hugged, kissed, and massaged my husband, which at that time was not very common, since most white and Asian women we met didn't really like Indians - I didn't mind being treated so roughly by her husband. I also used to think that's just how men fuck. My own husband sometimes would go rough on me, sending me bleeding for days, especially when he was passionate and in love.

We tried to develop a healthy relationship with them. Before the play, we used to have a table pool play or a hot tub session at the hotel bar. I tried to be close to the husband, hoping to get a little intimacy in return, but he was incapable of it. He was a tall and handsome man, Costa Rican and Filipino mixed, who looked black. At 6'1", with whole-body muscles because he used to be a football coach before retiring, he didn't look like a late 40s man.

I brought it up to Raj many times, telling him how I felt. Raj was also inexperienced and insensitive about my feelings sometimes. He thought I enjoyed rough sex with him. Well, maybe for the first one or two times, because I crave novel experiences. Each Monday morning, the husband would inquire about a playdate. Then he would keep coming back for the planning until we could set a date. He used to whisper in my ears that I was his "most most favorite." He has been a playboy his whole life; despite being a responsible man who provides for and supports his family, the number of women he secretly sneaked around with when he was with his ex was too large to fathom. I still wonder why he would call me his "most favorite."

He was incapable of soft talk, pampering, touching, kisses, and anything that belonged to the "foreplay" department. I started feeling used and abused whenever we played, and it was hard for me to move on. I started hating the whole lifestyle scene; I was confused and hurt. But nobody could help me. I used all excuses to delay the planning and make it not happen. I tried to convince Raj I couldn't continue with them anymore, but Raj did not seem to understand at that moment. 

"You go through ups and downs," Raj used to comment. Obviously, I withdrew because of all that insensitive rough sex. I told Raj that I didn't want to play with anybody for a long time, maybe never again.

How I moved past it was because of my guy. Raj started the app and my guy was the first to meet with us, last year end of October. The process of using app to find matches was novel so it got me excited and ready to give lifestyle another try. My guy is such a soft-spoken and gentle person. Sex with him felt very natural. He doesn't have many tricks, but it was very intimate because we kissed, we touched, he whispered to me, and we cuddled. Because of the experience with him, I figured out that I love gentle guys - I love guys with gentle movements, gentle hands, and gentle voices. A few times with my guy helped me gather enough courage to finally say no to that couple. Raj gave it one last try: he observed closely during the play and saw me crying. Yes, it got to a place where I was crying while that husband was fucking me senselessly.

Gratitude toward my guy contributed significantly to my respect and admiration for him. And that feeling was maybe what initiated my feeling of being in love with him. But my guy is really too busy, or let's put it this way: he couldn't place sex too high on his list of priorities, and he doesn't think of me as anybody special he should make a little effort to meet, with or without sex. I tried, I really tried, for months. I tried to build a friendship with him, I tried to express my love and appreciation to him, I tried to plan something with him, but he couldn't make the time for me at all. Even now, considering how busy I am, I still tried. But moving onward, I truly have too many things on my plate, and I don't think we will ever see each other again, or at least not for a very, very long time. And I don't think I should call him "my guy" anymore, now I am happily building friendships with many of "my friends". "My friends", should be and would be one of the most essential structures that would support me and love me, through and through. 

But this is all it's about, no? You meet people, you experience different things, and you figure things out. You figure out what you like and what you don't, you figure out what or who likes you and what or who doesn't like you, and in the process, you figure out who you are. And yes, not many people could stay for long in your life; only a few very very special people will. It's nobody's fault; it's just how the universe runs. 

And now, suddenly, I found myself among people who, at least for now, care for me and desire me. I have absolutely no idea if any of them will last, or for how long. But as for now, I found myself completely lost in the embrace of Tomás (T, the "sixth". Now the number merely indicates the sequence in which they appear in my life as a single guy who plays MFM threesome with us), a guy who is so good at foreplay and impact play. Every move of his is sensual; it makes me hot and turns me on. I didn't know sex could be so interesting and fun; I have never experienced something so sensual before.

Actually, there were guys who tried sensory play on me, but what Tomás does to me is beyond anything I ever knew. The way he touches my body turns on all of my senses, and I believe each move was from years of experience and was intentional. He lifts me up in a way like how he lifts up a little baby, crawls them up into a ball, and puts them close to his chest. After a brief moment of heavenly closeness, he would then throw me around in an aggressive but gentle way. I know I would not get hurt at all, and my body and mind fall for the direct domination. He'd place me in the position he desired, most of the time a very articulated and complicated position. In that position, he then finally goes ahead and exhibits his dominance over me, in the most primal way possible. By then, I was all warm and wet, absolutely ready for him to occupy and dominate me, reaching the deepest part possible inside of my body.

Tomás was rough, but he was such a gentle partner; he possesses this ultimate capability of finding the balance. He hurts me like crazy because of his size - eight and a half inches, definitely the largest I've ever been with. I was in pain for at least a full eight to ten days after our first, and soon-followed second, play. My cervix and uterus were intensely painful and sore.

But when he was around me last night, I wanted him so much, and I found myself patiently and quietly longing for his attention while he took turns attending to all of his friends. He kindly introduced us to some of his best friends, and after the Folsom Street Fair, we had a 14-person orgy in Power Exchange, followed by a 9-person one in his hotel room.

What a great group of amazing human beings: kind and accepting, fun and adventurous, living their best lives with the ultimate sense of freedom. Tomás plays an essential role in this group because of how much he cares for and loves each and every one of his friends. He consistently makes an effort to satisfy all of their needs, to help them in whatever way possible. His existence puts people together - people who just want to live a happy life, freed from repression and judgment.

In the main room of Power Exchange, we played on the bed in the spotlight while a crowd watched. It was my first time there, and I didn't realize the "spotlight" setup after I was tossed around in the bed with five or six friends of Tomás. I think the whole mating process was being intensely observed by people who surrounded the open bed, and it’s part of the fun for this club.

"You are so sexy. You know all the guys who are watching us want so much to be doing what I am doing to you, because of how absolutely sexy you are," Tomás whispered in my ear.

One time he literally flipped me upside down. He was holding my pelvis, so my legs were up in the air above his head, and my arms, hair, and head fell straight down. He shoved his face into my upside-down pussy and devoured it like a savage.

At around 12:30 AM, in Tomás' hotel room, Raj really wanted to go home. Tomás lifted me up like a baby and dropped me off just three meters away, where I could maybe put on shoes. We were still talking, and I was also trying to take off the handmade leather wear Raj bought for me earlier at the Folsom Fair. As I was taking off the top part, we both sat back on the bed; he was one meter behind me. I could have done it myself, but I scooted back to be close to him and asked for his help to untie. My back was in front of his chest. He did help me untie, but he started caressing me while embracing me in his arms. He couldn't help but start kissing my hair and my shoulder, and he began moving me and positioning me.

I can't resist it when he does that to me: lifts me up like a groom lifts up his bride, a mommy lifts up her babies; holds my legs from my back and places me on top of his thighs facing outwards; applies force on my wrists to restrain them and place them whatever way he wants... I can't help but let him do whatever he wants to me and be instantly turned on.

Tomás started lifting my legs and placing me on top of his thighs, facing outwards. His friends started cheering, "Looks like nobody is going home yet." The whole room watched him pounding me for twenty minutes until I cum, screaming for an entire one minute.

I had a similar, yet completely opposite, experience with that couple. It was an eight-person group play in a hotel room as well. I was trying to escape, but that husband held on to me like a predator, and in front of the whole room, he pounded on me for a long time. To be honest, when men start pounding in the most primal way, they are the same - there is no gentleness and no mercy. But how different a woman can feel!

It was the exact same setting - an intense mating scene being closely observed and commented on by a room of friends. Physically, I was in immense bitter-sweet pain, but mentally I felt utterly violated with that husband who was unable to connect with me and be intimate. Making me cum? What nonsense! Whereas I felt longing, satisfaction, comfort, and ecstasy with Tomás, who had been sensual, sweet, and gentle to me. Our bodies and souls connected and intertwined in a celestial way, I could cum over and over again with my vagina tightly and intensely wrapping his giant cock in rapture inside of me.

That eight-person orgy in an SF hotel room was the last straw for me. After that, I couldn't contain how much I detested the experience with the husband, in spite of how gorgeous, kind and fabulous the wife was. I begged Raj, I cried, I was saddened and confused, I wanted an exit, at least a long pause from this lifestyle. I suffered in silence. Now, more than sixteen months later, I've survived and walked out of that temporary shadow. I even met a guy who is capable of showing me what real love-making that is tailored specifically for me feels like. I can't fathom what could make me feel luckier.

Raj, I and Tomás

Folsom Street Fair 2025

The shames we pined on the wall [part 1]

Friday night, right after our vibe check with my eighth, in the East Bay, we drove to meet up with a traveler in SF. My seventh and eighth - ya, the list is indeed still growing strong - are both absolutely gorgeous men who are astonishingly handsome, sensual, sensible, open, knowledgeable, experienced, and fun. The vibe check with them both felt exotically captivating, and their fondness and desire toward me (and Raj) was uncontainable. We haven't gotten to play for the first time yet, but I'll even write out the two vibe checks in my next diary entry.

Raj asked me while our new Tesla was crossing the Bay Bridge, "So, where are you in terms of wanting to go ahead and play with this guy?" "Hmmm, well..." "Look at you... 90%?" "Yeah, pretty much."

This has become our new norm: we directly get down to business with people who are traveling in SF or while we are traveling. The selection mechanism works: as long as the people have a good profile that I approve, and if we are able to verify that it's authentic and without deception, we will likely proceed within the same meetup.

This traveler currently resides in London, having been there for the past two years. He is an oncologist who works for a company that manufactures medical equipment. The company sends him to travel all around the world. It's his first time ever in SF; he just arrived Friday afternoon and will stay for six days. He is 37, 6 feet, fit, and has a solid body build. He is a Turkish citizen who holds undergraduate and master's degrees from Istanbul. He then lived in the capital of Armenia for six years, followed by four years in Budapest, and spent a few years in Italy before currently residing in London. In his profile, he states that he is a geek who travels the world to save lives, enjoys outdoor activities such as skiing, is a long-time drummer, and is a dog dad.

After I approved his ping request, he told me he was able to show the test results and was even getting a new test a few days prior to the meeting date. Actually, at the beginning, while we were going back and forth in the app's messages, I couldn't find a time that matched his availability. He kept asking nevertheless; he confirmed with me three times if I would play solo. And, after inquiring about "if anything changes in our schedule" at least seven or eight times throughout two days, I suddenly realized, "Oh wait, I think Raj told me later that our Friday has been freed up."

What can I say? I have an extremely busy schedule responding to numerous persons of interest; I can't follow up with things if they don't really want it. For example, my seventh, after the vibe check on Thursday, went ahead and hand-drew an "availability map" of his for the coming weeks, with much detail on the possibility of time and location - right after he has a cleaner coming over for a thorough cleaning, we might be able to play in his Oakland apartment without Raj being allergic to cat's hair; there're possible parties that we could attend together, and he would teach us various skills, such as tying and domming. On my plate, I always have multiple single guys to plan ahead with, as well as single girls and couples whom I make extra efforts to connect with and update, hoping to be able to plan. You've got to really want it to have it with me.

With a meeting time planned for Friday night with the Turkish traveler, he then asked me what I would expect. I told him I usually see if the men are kind and respectful. I also told him that I get turned off if the guy is unhygienic or has any kind of smell. Since he fits into the traveler's criteria, I am more straightforward and upfront. He told me he met 100% of those bars.

After he landed in SF, he asked us if we could make it before 9:30 PM, the original meeting time, so we could have more time to ourselves. We said we would come over right away once we're done with our 7:00 PM meeting with another guy. We ended up arriving at the bar Raj picked at 9:50 PM or so. I did update him on our ETA along the way.

He sat on the sofa in the corner, looking like his profile - very much authentic. The only difference is that in the pictures, he would smile, but in person, he has this resting "bitch" face with eyebrows and eyes close together. Well, I don't know what word I should use to replace "bitch"; maybe "butcher"? Meaning not too relaxed, not too chill, but kinda very serious and not easily laughing or smiling.

Nonetheless, he was sincerely conversing with us, telling us about his work and the places he had lived. I asked about the dating/lifestyle scenes in the places he lived. He replied that since he was financially well off (an oncologist), women in places like Armenia were really easy for him to get, and after some dates, they all wanted serious relationships. Well, yeah, I obviously would know that, but thank you for bringing that up.

Hooking up with travelers like this has become a new way of fun for us. In my mind, I was going for it the day I planned the meetup. I was paying extra attention to his smell, and I realized he did have a little bit of bad breath, sitting almost two feet away from me. I wouldn't say the choice of "to be or not to be" ever crossed my mind because I am never the kind of person who chickens out on any occasion. It was just a fact that I checked and told myself, "In spite of it, I'm going ahead." "No kiss then? Yes, absolutely no kissing! I would figure out a way." What a hard-core player I am. 

Then, after Raj and he exchanged test results, he realized he was HSV-1 negative, but we are - like most Americans - positive. I have had it probably since before I was five years old, got it from the family, and as long as I do not have a cold sore outbreak on my lips, it's not contagious. People don't really test for this, and there's no need to show it. My guy is also negative on this, like 10% of Americans, and we had a thorough discussion. He assured me, "It doesn't add any additional risk to my existing risk portfolio." Somehow, Raj's result panel has it, the Turkish guy then said, "So, we won't kiss." "Hooray!" I was so relieved! 

He is for sure completely lacking in experience - that kind of experience that makes a man a sensual partner who is ready to please and have a good time with women whom they help warm and open up. He didn't move his hands to touch me anywhere, he didn't even say one word to appreciate my beauty or whatever it was that was there. He didn't turn me on in any way. But hey, I want to go ahead with it, because it's going to be a great night out with my husband; one additional person makes me more excited and adds to the fun, no matter what. Additionally, he has a Marriott in Union Square, where he checked in just a few hours ago.

Raj checked in with me; we both were okay to go ahead, but we set a time limit for one hour. We planned to play in his hotel room for an hour, then leave for a club afterwards.

The three of us rode in our Tesla from the bar to the Marriott, about a 10-minute drive. I sat in the front passenger's seat. Usually I would sit with the guy, and we would do a bunch of stuff while Raj was driving. The time when I didn't sit in the back seat was because the guy insisted, thinking it was more polite to Raj if I didn't sit with him. Still, I would turn my head and talk, engaging with the guy. I didn't engage with the Turkish guy at all. Instead, I was chatting with Raj about how absolutely hot my eighth was, and I couldn't wait to play with him. Raj kept squeezing my leg, reminding me to stop. Well, what do I fucking care?

We dropped him off in front of the Marriott and went to park the car in a garage nearby. It took us 20 minutes to park and walk to the Marriott because we forgot to bring our toy bag on the way. He waited for us in front of the "pink elevator" inside the hotel. He sent a message, "There are indeed colleagues near the pink elevator." He was talking about being careful and trying not to be seen by his colleagues because he came for a congress meeting. In the bar, we already joked a lot about his colleagues discovering his secret date with both a man and a woman. When we finally arrived in front of the pink elevator, we asked where his colleagues were. I told Raj I had definitely been in this hotel before; I even had taken a photo with that huge heart, but I have no recollection of when or with whom.

In the double single-bed room, one bed was not used, so Raj and I started having fun there after Raj set out a table of my toys. "You come here!" Raj invited him, as he was sitting far away on a sofa, watching us. The Turkish cock was the average five inches, with pretty good girth, though, only around 3mm less than Raj's. He was able to be hard and lasted for the entire hour we were there. His favorite was to throat me. I had a new experience while being banged real hard from the back by Raj while choking on his five-inch cock. Because it was only five, I would have the choking sensation but not really vomiting, unlike my seven- and eight-inch partners: after two or three times of choking sensations, I could actually vomit, with liquid coming up my food pipe and sometimes into my mouth. I cum very intensely that way - a new experience, hence new excitement.

"Can I have a photo with the two cocks together?" "Yes, of course, Bae! I hope you have no problem with that?" "Hopefully, your colleagues won't recognize your cock in photos!" "Lol, hopefully not!" Raj and I found ourselves continuing to laugh at the "colleague situation".

After Raj cum inside of me, the Turkish wanted me to throat him to cum. I used my mouth and then my hands to make him cum. Then Raj and I took a shower and left. Before we were leaving the room, I sighed looking at the bed we played, "Oh I had spotting today." "Now people would for sure know you had women in the hotel room. Unless it was your bleeding." "Hahahahha!" 

On our way to the parking garage, I was holding on to Raj, telling him, "Babe, no touching, no intimacy, no good words, a stinky breath (well, I didn't smell anything in the room actually; his cock was absolutely clean and smelled good) - aren't we walking our walk of shame right now?" Raj started to make this kind of sharp, laughing noise, which at first was derived from forced self-mockery. Then, as uncontainable fun and irony surpassed any sense of mockery or negative feelings, the laughing noises burst out. He replied, "Oh, look at us, what a pair of whores! I almost sucked his cock!"

"Hahahhaha!" I started wailing uncontrollably; the entire street could hear me. 

"Look at me, went to IIT, Berkeley, McKinsey, multiple startups, now my own VC fund, and I ended up in a resting-bitch-face Turkish cock's hotel bed for an entire hour of shame."

"Right? Your mom raised you with so much sweat and blood, who would have thought! Almost put his five inches in your mouth!"

"Me and my wife too! Look at you, your face, your hair, you were choking so hard on his cock... To now how many cocks my wife has chocked on? 60? 70? Or more? Long cocks, short cocks, thick cocks, thin cocks, white cocks, black cocks, brown cocks, yellow cocks, hard cocks, limp cocks, straight cocks, curved cocks... What an achievement in life! I can update it on my LinkedIn!"

"Hahahahahaha! Walk of shame! 'You, come here!' You asked him like you really desired him!" 

"We did have 100 times worse, though, multiple times, remember all those moments of shame??" 

"Lol, I remember!!!" I was holding my stomach, almost crawling on the floor with my shiny high heels.

Then we proceeded to eat a whole midnight fast food meal, complete with fries, burgers, and Coke Zero, and hysterically laughed for another entire one and a half hours before going back home.

"Oh crap! I left my credit card in that bar we went to!"

"Oh, we've gotta get it on way back home. Did we leave anything else in the hotel room?"

"Our dignity?!"

"Yes! Hahahahahha!!"

I concluded in the group WhatsApp this morning, "Nice playing with you last night, Berkan! It was fun! Hope you have a great trip here in SF!" To which he replied, "Thanks, guys. It was really great. Really enjoyed it. And Raj melatonin works man :)"

And it's about time I write out all of our past walks of shame, and with open hearts, we welcome more to come.

To be continued...

The Chinese rapper

Can't believe we did it again, oops!!! What a successful show!!!

I actually completely messed up "Just a Friend." The entire first part slipped my mind! The kids know how many times I practiced from Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon. Again and again, I thought I had the lyrics memorized to the bone, and I've never spent so much time memorizing song lyrics before.

The truth is, I got a little too high at the beginning of the show. We have this tradition of taking one tiny shot before the show to relax our nerves. Oleg, Maylene, Lola, Chris, Robert, and Homam - a few of us core bandmates who've been together for the past few seasons - we continuously did that. This summer season, only Oleg, Maylene, and I stayed in the band, and Oleg brought along his Jameson anyway! Oleg is this huge Jewish Ukrainian who migrated to US in 1992. For the past seasons, Robert poured us drink, Robert is not as big as Oleg in size and he is more sensitive a man. Oleg literally filled the little cup up and I also just chugged in, what a pair of big nerves... 

Only after we cheered and I poured it in my mouth did I realize that it was a little too much. Then we waited on the side of the stage for the teenage kids to finish their groove metal - no idea what that was, a lot of hoarse shouting. After a delay of about 20 minutes, it was finally our time. When we were sound-testing, I was literally floating in the air.

My mind went, "Oh crap! Imma mess up my Eminem 'One Shot' moment, hard." Even though my mind kept going over the lyrics before the performance, I did have moments when I went blank, due to the influence of the Jameson.

But hey, nothing was gonna happen; I'd survive and have fun. So I went ahead with poise and calm. Luckily, I had practiced enough; even with the missing of whole verse, I kept my cool and completed the second and third verses correctly. I also performed all those dramatic movements on stage. Hayden filmed it and will make a super rad video for me. Maybe I will only post from the second verse, well, we'll see, maybe it will still be super cool with whatever I did.

A Chinese woman with tongue-twisting English swagging songs she had never heard of in her entire existence, dang, I outdid myself again! 😎

And we rocked so hard on "Whooooomp!" 

Carol remembered all the lyrics, and I danced! 

What a team of swag!

The swag

I've known Hayden since my kids first started classes at SoR about four years ago. However, it wasn't until recently that I felt they had finally begun to consider me "one of them." This wasn't the case even after I joined the adult band two years ago and had two seasons with them in the same group. For a long time, Hayden treated me respectfully, as a normal parent who was always inquiring about class schedules and music-related matters, or as a bandmate who might come and go with different seasons.

Hayden works at the front desk of SoR and, therefore, joins the adult band free of charge. They are a true musician and artist and are the lead vocalist for the Thursday adult band. They are about 5'11", with a slightly chubby build and a belly, but still a very masculine frame. They wear a necklace with a pink pendant shaped like a cute little girl with side pigtails. When they stand up in high heels, the pendant is at the same height as my eyes. The most common words on their T-shirts or jackets are "Down With Patriarchy," often with a painting of Mother Earth. They have a long-term female partner.

I actually don't remember if they used to dress in conventionally feminine attire since I've known them. At least for the past half-year or so, they have appeared much more often in oversized earrings, headbands, women's trench coats, cloaks, shawls, high heels, and skirts. Musicians these days all apply nail polish themselves - not from a Vietnamese nail salon - and that's a given. Hayden also always has half-torn black nail polish on their nails.

At each season-end performance, Hayden, together with Ludmila, puts on a grand show with an exaggerated style of dress, makeup, and stage presence. It is always a sight to behold. We would cheer and dance for them before or after our Wednesday band's performance. One of Hayden's most iconic stage outfits was a needle skirt, fishnet stockings, and black high heels. They were rocking it so hard, and we were screaming and dancing for them just as hard.

I say that Hayden now considers me "one of their own" because they have opened up to me much more over the past half-year. It could be because, after all these seasons, they finally realized what kind of a wild and open person or musician I am, just like themselves. Or perhaps it's because I now openly identify as bisexual and intentionally wear rainbow earrings to help my people recognize me. It could also be because Ludmila, who is their wildest BFF, sometimes talks about me with them. In any case, I now often find myself having extended conversations with Hayden about music, clothes, performance, and all, after they help me reschedule my kids' and my lessons. I always find myself truly amazed by their creative outfits. When I sincerely compliment them, they often come out from behind the front desk to do a little twirl for me so I can see up close. I appreciate Hayden for daring to live their most authentic self, and I cherish their presence in my life.

Two weeks ago, Ludmila and I met in the parking lot while waiting for our kids to finish their music lessons, and we started discussing our show outfits. Ludmila got very excited about my rapper's role this season; she's well-known for putting enormous effort into stage outfits. I believe I had the wildest laughs for days - the entire shopping square could hear our hysterical wails! It was Ludmila who came up with all the ideas: my husband's high-waist boxers underneath, long, dragging jeans sagging on my butt, huge gold chains with dollar signs, and an exaggerated baseball cap. We also practiced our swags. Ludmila actually went on Amazon, found the exact items, and sent them to me. I bought whatever she sent because I love her and value her opinions. For me, this was already half the fun - enjoying the process with friends.

I sent Ludmila a photo of myself in the outfit, and she absolutely loved it. It turned out she had forwarded it to Hayden, and they loved it too. Today, I chatted with them again at the front desk, appreciating their outfit - an off-white onesie with high heels. They then suggested their video-making service. It's Hayden's personal business, making professional music videos of live shows. They have five cameras, a cameraman, audio recorders, and they edit intensely according to the theme. I immediately purchased the video for one of my rap songs, "Just a Friend," for 200 dollars. I'm very interested in keeping some professional show videos of myself like that, and I also want to support them.

Now, with the pressure of making a professional video, I'm practicing "Just a Friend" like a maniac, trying to memorize all the lyrics so I don't make any mistakes on stage tomorrow. I took the kids to their robotics class, picked them up in one and a half hours, bought them pani puri at an Indian grocery store, and we ate dinner at an Indian restaurant. Then I dropped them off at fencing class. I also went to Starbucks and spent hours there while waiting for the kids. I did all of this with the swag - with my jean jacket and my "Bulls" baseball cap, the lyrics of "Just a Friend" were bubbling out of my mouth nonstop as my hands and my body constantly made rapper moves. People at the Indian grocery and restaurant were watching me. Some people even gave me dirty looks because, most probably, they don't like women who dress and act like men and sleep with women. We didn't fit into their tiny, dark boxes about themselves and the society they created. 

But guess what, I thoroughly enjoyed my little adventure in "cross-dressing". I've always enjoyed acting like a man since a very young age because girls were considered secondary, useless, stupid, and weak. In China, while I was growing up, only men and boys were highly regarded. All of my dad's bootlickers would compliment me, saying, "Wow, the daughter looks exactly like her dad - so smart, so leader-like, so much like a son!" "She has her dad's walk," they would say. For the longest time, I never knew how to "act like a girl." I never really learned to comb my hair - in fact, I never had long hair. I never liked wearing skirts and regarded myself as "different in a better way" from girls who wore them. I walked, stood, and sat like a boy whenever I was aware of my body language or acting in my student leader roles. I feel absolutely natural in men's attire, and I can pull off a man's look at any given moment. All those boys who were in love with me must have observed me long and closely enough to see my even more natural girly side and experience my outbursting feminine energy, especially when I couldn't help but fall in love with boys.

I love my journey in music performance and in lifestyle. Essentially, they are two sides of the same coin: a search for the truth about myself. I feel like a fish that is made of water, swims in water, and can change forms to whatever I feel like. My body is part of my host environment, and my mind is not locked up in dark boxes. To thrive in music performance or lifestyle - in fact, any form of art - requires a person to have an extremely open mind and an open heart. They should be ready to accept themselves in different forms, shapes, and existences so as to truly enjoy it. Unsurprisingly, their attitude towards other people, in forms they have never previously encountered, would also remain open as a result. Places like the Bay Area are the perfect breeding ground for people like that. We are forever being challenged and pushed to be more fluid and tolerant. 

However, to successfully meet truly open and honorable people and include them in your life is a rare thing. It doesn't happen often, even here in the Bay Area. You're lucky to meet people who, in their hearts, are generous enough to share their possessions with you, whether resources, connections, or emotions. Most people can't actually achieve that - you'll realize this especially when you get to know them. Deep inside, most humans' souls are hindered by jealousy, greed, and insecurity. It's sad, but it's true. Therefore, on any given day, I would be wholeheartedly glad to welcome friends who are honest, wild, and open-minded, and who truly care and are willing to share with me, overcoming their insecurity and jealousy, on my music journey, my lifestyle journey, or in any way possible.

The poet

"She's about 5'6, or 5'5, pretty tall. Let me see, I am 5'11, ya, she is 5'6..."

"What? Prof is only 5'11?" In my mind, I was a little shocked.

Prof was adding a new entry to the Codex column of Novelcrafter, a profile for a new human character. He's always been proactive in exploring the latest tools, from the .com bubble to the blog era and now the AI "revolution." He'd sometimes ask me to try them; most of the time, he'd try them himself. We've always enjoyed playing with the most up-to-date internet toys. He recently purchased Novelcrafter to help him write his autobiography, and we were exploring its functions together this morning. Novelcrafter, one of the hundreds of emerging AI products that can assist you in any field, some of which Raj also invests venture capitals in.

Why did I think prof was 6'1"? It could be because I truly have no sense of numbers - be it height, length, or money - unless someone states them for me to see. Or it could be because I truly look up to him, viewing him as a 6'1" giant in my mind.

Again, I was "held up" by prof in his office for hours, discussing his writing, which left me with no time to do my own work. I had almost finished reading the chapter he sent me, but I hadn't had time to write the review I promised. I mentioned some editing suggestions off the top of my head, and he took them very seriously. We discussed how to make the changes and also spent an entire hour talking about a future chapter that will elaborate on his relationship with physics. 

He earnestly inquired about my writing, too. After I returned to my desk and reread some of my novel drafts, I told him I hadn't made much progress since my trip to India and China. I also told him about my sci-fi novel's imagining of a fourth feminist movement and how human society will be shaped by technological advancement.

Prof always introduces me as one of the "earliest founding members with whom he together built it up from scratch" to the people we meet. And I am! I often wonder how long I've been involved with this, and how long I've known him. We literally built it together, brick by brick, exploring many fancy tools and putting in long hours.

One might ask, "So, have you two ever...?" It's a valid question, but only if that person truly knows us both well, which is almost certainly nonexistent. My answer to that question is: Can it be any more obvious? Back in the days, prof used to take me to travel all around the world. 

I took eight years off for a childbearing break. Given the scattered hours I've been able to put in since returning in 2022, was that eight-year break really necessary?

The more obvious truth is, I would not allow anything to happen. I didn't. I would never knowingly or unknowingly hurt another woman; children and men too, especially in this case. I make my moves based on other people's well-being and happiness, never putting myself first - it's as simple as 1+1. As a result, now we've truly built a lifelong friendship and partnership, one without any burden or stain. When we freely exchange our most profound thoughts today, both of our consciences are crystal clear, and our minds are utterly relaxed. Most people in this world don't have that! People make mistakes; I didn't allow that to happen. I believe neither of us today thinks any entanglement between us, other than what we have, would be better in any sense.

And yes, I don't think I could stay too far away from Berkeley, largely because prof is here. Of course, Berkeley and San Francisco have their own charms on me.

"I imagine having this book in my hand, a collection of poems by a true poet, who uses his poems to tell his life story - the people he connected with, the places he mesmerized, and the choices he ended up making. A book about a poet living a poetic life." I told prof.

When are we not digging our own graves? Humans

Silicon Valley enabled brutal mass detention and surveillance in China, internal documents show

Come for one of us, come for all of us!

greentara5 · Green Tara Mantra by Ani Choying Drolma - Buddhist Chants