The real real New Year's resolution

The last night of 2024, 10pm, alone in bed, Dr. Noam Chomsky's speech on TV, Raj in flight to India, kids in Sony's house for sleepover and New Year dance, Noah went back home, Leena in London, parents next room. 

Friends and Noah were over to celebrate me getting into the 40s. I tell all, "40 is the new 20!" Raj was feeling sad that he couldn't be home with me for the New Year countdown and my New Year 40th birthday. He had something special planned earlier. But on December 31st at noon in America, China entered the New Year already :)   

Finally, gearing up various ideas of philosophers across the timeline "to help spin the wheel," as Noah put it. Like Noah, Immaut use any existing philosophical theories because my imaginary world is just that different from this world. But indeed, getting into philosophers' minds does help spin my own. 

Since Noah started full-time filmmaking, Leena has been asking me to work with him, like reading, discussing, and brainstorming together. It's so strange that for all these years, except one time I've discussed a little about literature with Noah one-on-one, individually, we have rarely had exchanges. Our discussion was always in a group setting.

Therefore, he didn't know what the sci-fi theory was in my mind until today. He has been deep in the philosophers' world, and I'm relying on him to refer to theories that could, most probably remotely, relate to my imaginary world. Usually, he would list 2-3 philosophers or specific theories within a minute, no matter what topic we were on. Not about my world, though. People on Earth haven't thought about it the way I did. But my world makes sense, doesn't it? Obviously, it does! It's imaginary, I can imagine it however I want. The challenge is putting everything together and using the language people here understand. 

Not sure what help I could provide to Noah for his filmmaking, but he surely knows waaaaaay much more to help me gain perspectives! Mostly, I'm just gonna buy him coffee or lunch or cook for him in exchange for information, haha!  

We also talked about making my novel into a sci-fi movie, say in five years, I could finish writing, and he would gain recognition and get funding. Maybe I could never even find a publisher to publish my book but only do self-publishing, and somehow we get enough funds because of Noah's fabulous presentation and eventually make it into a successful movie, and then finally, people get to know my work! Sounds like a standard K-drama! (>_<)  

Guess now I have an updated version of New Year's resolution: together with Noah, working on our respective art projects - his films and my writings. Keep our minds connected and try to help each other out! 

Here we come, 2025! 

My story

Raj won't be with me on New Year's Eve, which is my 40th birthday night. His older uncle passed away, to ensure Raj is home for the 10th-day ceremony, he will be flying off to India at that time. Hence, Raj wanted to go out with me before that, even though I was so tired from all sorts of events. 

All these years, I don't know if Raj molded me more or if I molded Raj more. Raj is an extrovert throughout; I am half extrovert, half introvert. But when I'm with Raj, with his full-force power on, I do not have time or energy left to be reserved; I do not have the resources left to be an introvert. 

 

I enjoy being Raj's girl, wild and energetic, and never miss any endeavor. Life with him is filled with fun and adventures, always planning on some exciting sneak-aways, sneaking away from life's mundaneness. 

We talk and talk and talk, from sunset to sunrise, sunrise to sunset. He knows how to wait me out, all the raw emotions, the confusion, and the explosion. "Nothing is more fun to do in life than being with you and watching you go through the journey. You opened me up as I opened you up. You have all the freedom to do whatever your heart desires. Just promise you will always include me but never leave me out."  

I don't mind being someone's girl, it doesn't make me less myself, it's part of my journey. 

In this journey, I desire to explore what's out there in the world, known and unknown; I want to have the experience ordinary people don't have the imagination for. I also desire to look inward and understand who I am and what makes me feel content and complete. 

But above all, in this journey, I want to be free. Free to love and free to give. Free and unhesitant to answer to myself. 

I have broken out the chains from different layers of society, and I have broken the chains with all the relationships I have established with the people I keep around, keeping them raw and authentic. I will break whatever chains I encounter on my way to self-discovery. 

And yes, this is my story.  

 

New year resolution

It's more like a "40s resolution" since I'm entering the 40s in less than two weeks!

1. No specific financial goals in life 

Continue to not care about how much money we get; I only care if I can care for the people around me and even reach out far to whoever I feel like caring for. The best days of our lives remain when we were dirt poor, living as students, as an eloped couple with 1700 per month in Berkeley, ate to only 70% full but stayed active and helpful to people around us. My parents definitely hated that but I refused their money for years hence I finally got independence, being with whoever I wanted to be with, studying and doing whatever my heart wanted.   

True that things have been looking up for us financially in recent years, but when I look around, all that I comprehend is up to a level, wealth becomes a burden, messing up people's perspectives and relationships. I've been trying very hard to prevent Raj from getting in the traps of the blind rat races, keeping his mind occupied with the actual pleasure and excitement life's journey provides. Guess being born into a comfortably wealthy family (or a capable father who gradually made his way out from a humble background), and raised like a carefree princess helped; for me, money simply falls from the sky but is never something I need to make an effort to get, and money and materials are to be shared. Only Raj knows how annoying that gets sometimes! But mostly, it's bliss for a man! (>_<)

2. Deliberately choose who I want to spend my time with

They must be kind, tender, generous, pure in their hearts, and not self-centered narcissists. Because I am like that, being with people who are not on the same level of kindness kills me. I often got hurt in the past, but now I've learned my lessons and opened all my senses to be capable of sniffing pure-hearted people out and keeping them, and vice versa. 

Life is short, I got no time to waste on not gentle people.

3. No specific plans for a career or whatsoever

The conventional path for a rising career has abruptly terminated for me because of childbearing. It was my choice indeed. I am still not able to get it back, for example, do I have the leisure to leave home any time for a week to travel to Europe or Japan or Taiwan for workshops and speeches?? Then let me just comfortably idle around, do whatever I can to help. Even so, my professor is so impressed by my work and all the progress and improvement I've made possible for the sites. 

That's all. 

Best of 2024

Best moments of the year have to be all the moments when my sister-in-law Leena, love of my life, and I enjoy our time together. In this scary and filthy patriarchal world, nothing is more precious than having a true sister on your side, who's always there for you no matter what crazy trouble you always get yourself into.♥️

Event of the year has to be this one: traveling to Mexico city, fully submerged in the mixed culture there, experienced the old and new, dead and alive. Our hearts were melted by the warmth of people, eyes were opened by the resilience and depth of the indigenous heritage that ensures vast diversity, hence vibrant democracy.

Image of the year for me, has to be this one, painted by Frida, depicting her own birth. It was painted right after her mother's death, and her mother's death was right after her miscarriage.

My 2024

 

"At least for the night"

"If I'm too much w* for you"

2024, Would Trade Nothing For This Feeling of Freedom

My culture

 

"From my culture, we don't have the concept of shame,

 or sin, or whatever that you people are conditioned to comply. 

Everything comes from nature, goes to nature."

"Your culture, Chinese?"

"Oh no, hehe, kill me plz... 

Momo Culture..."

Attraction

"Do you know what I realized? I figured out why E felt jealous. First of all, I have faith that she told us the truth, it was because of her sudden jealousy. Told you before that 'I would suck it up' right? On a conventional sense, I could never imagine my pleasure with T on a physical level. But even to this day, it's been shocking to me that I had an unexpected amount of fun with him, no less, even more than them. 

What I suddenly came to realize was that my connection and attraction to people were mainly determined by the fact that the person had a genuinely kind soul. I'm a very spiritual being, I can sense that with my body and with my mind. And the level of kindness has to match mine so that I feel attracted to it. 

Out of allllll the people we've encountered, you stood out precisely because of this. Remember I told you many times how I felt about you? And it took the experience with T for me to finally understood why. Obviously, T stood out too. That's why, despite the unconventionality of our physical compatibility, I felt attracted to him. I enjoyed myself and was looking forward to more. Never even a single moment during that long night did I feel disappointment or doubt or discomfort."

Stay a while

 

been raining in the bay lately

under the city light

wish you cozy and warm

you always miss the torrent on the bridge,

don't you?  

in that strange bar I picked

bright neon beaming on your face

with a gentle poise you quietly sitting  

my heart jumped

the first time I laid my eyes on you

don't you know you're so beautiful?

never seen such a sight I have

where have you been, 

what have you done,

who have you met,

with the outpouring sweetness in your soul?

what a dream, what have we done?

my nose and lips on yours

breathing and moaning 

in messed up rhythm

I gave you all the control

did you try to kiss me?

did my lips search for yours?

"what's your fantasy?" 

in my ears you whispered

how curious and serious you always are

under the bedlight you two were debating

my brain tried hard to focus

but my fingers imagined 

grabbing into your hair

body melting into yours

don't you know baby

you are my fantasy

I've never stopped thinking about you

after I first laid my eyes on you

in that strange bar I picked

what a dream, what have we done?

from trembling breathes to

interlocking my fingers and my body

from complete strangers to

not letting me miss my butterflies

don't you know baby

how much I want you to look at my face

see how my tears stream down

how much I want to gaze into your eyes

and sink in your tender serenity

but baby, 

I know I'll never be your destination

and you'll never know,

you'll never know

how my heart breaks

into a million pieces

knowing any time could be our last 

but stay a while with me

baby just a little while

with me

How my 2024 looks like

The most important thing about 2024: How I feel...

https://youtu.be/54ylMDS1k50?si=NevdorikryFJpEJ-

My heart is full

A few thousand dollars only lasts maybe 3-4 days during our holiday, but it surely buys a brighter future for the children in Narumu, Tanzania. I'm proud that we're still not giving up, and things are starting to look up. I'm gonna keep sponsoring them for the years to come, and I want to build something like this in India too! 💖

First love

I have lived my life story through story, butterfly after butterfly. 

In each chapter, there would surely be night-long discussions about the entanglement of my life and my first love. 

Buried in many of my preferences and choices, it's the endless echo of how we were used to be as children, teens, and young adults.

Now I'm walking on the earth, confident in myself and trusting in the people around me. I am the way I am, a lot of it is attributed to the tremendous and consistent love and affection I received when I was transforming from a 9-year-old girl into a woman at college. 

I have discussed it much with people but have yet to write enough about it.

To this day, he is still waiting for me to go back. I knew he would never let go of any connections he could hold on to. He had been like this from day one. Now that our moms are connected, he will come find me as long as I clear my path to finally return for a visit. And maybe I will, maybe I will. 

His mom is never a "social butterfly" like my mom. He got that from her and prefers a low-key social presence, which is the opposite of me. However, a few months ago, his mom made an effort to talk to my mom; they exchanged contact and established a friendship. She asked my mom when I would come home for a visit the next time, and she insisted that if I did, my mom would inform her. She comforted my mom by telling her that her son had told her, "Whatever was written online about Momo was all fake; don't ever believe in that!" She knew us from when we were kids; my mom recalled how she was always treated nicely by "the woman who owned that brand". "She told me her son is Momo's batchmate, and she likes Momo a lot because 'she is a good girl' " -- my mom would often return home with this, although I had never told her about us for decades until the past few years.  

He cherished me as the most precious being in his entire universe for as long as his existence. "I want you to remember that you will always be my one and only Goddess. There is no one else." This was a year before my memorable internet incident in 2021. His only daughter and my son both turned 6 that year. Then, the sudden violent incident happened, consequently, I was banned from accessing all of my Chinese social media/messaging handles; hence, I lost contact with him since then.    

Because he consistently poured unmatchable love and admiration into me during all those formative years, at each step of my life journey, even after I departed from him, I have never doubted myself but have always had enough self-worth and respect. I have never even once put myself down (or up) to fit in or conform.

Because of how gentle and sweet he is, I find myself only surrounded by truly gentle and sweet souls. Rudeness and cruelty can't find their way into me. 

Because of the love and respect I have received since childhood, I have never truly felt despair, hopelessness, or sadness for more than a brief moment. Everything will be okay. I stay resiliently open, bright, positive, and optimistic.  

We grew up together, he is in me as I am in him, and nothing can change that fact. 

Precisely because we didn't end up as a couple, my heart stays open for beautiful moments, cherishable encounters, and for love, all kinds of love. 

All of us, our roots intertwine and entangle. We coexist and interweave. 

Because of him, I continue to love and my heart accepts and embraces all. 

I need this in life....

I reach "Extended Orgasm" each time, 

but I need to experience this 

Expanded Orgasm:

https://expandherorgasmtonight.com/

https://youtu.be/LLMCd3WbgGk?si=f4pWoP1yWG2nZiad