Puppy update

Puppy went to the vet, did blood work, showed signs of heartburn, nausea and certain distress in the liver. Vet said most likely something she shouldn't have eaten caused it. Lulu is more than 8 years old with history of such distress in the stomach and organs. Exactly the same thing she went through multiple times before, Chantelle said it will take 2 weeks then she should be nursed back to 100%.

If I knew pups were so sensitive, like Raj said, "You should stick to strictly what she's been eating, no extra of anything at all!" I dared not to tell Sravan and Chantelle that Lulu had some extra treats from me, no freaking way. I blamed it on the kids, "Oh, it muse be the kids who dropped food on the floor, you never know." I mean at the end of the day, it could very much be the food which dropped by the kids. But it could also be me, mainly me. I have been feeling this immense guilt, plus I have to conceal this fact not letting it spill out to them. It's not easy to lie, so freaking hard. I couldn't stop blaming myself. It's all my fault, I shouldn't have given any additional treats to her, no additional any kind of meat or fruit. No matter how much she loved it, how much she wanted it and begged it. I should have acted like a responsible adult who can say No to a puppy's indulgence. Who knows what upset her stomach and digestive system. My ignorance and inexperience in this regard also killed, but that's not an excuse. She indeed felt heartburn, nausea and all that discomfort for 2 days. Sravan's "separation anxiety" or "adoption scenario" might be one of the factors that resulted her overall illness, but it didn't initiate the pain. My poor Lulu, she was being fine with me, under my care, until I messed up her stomach... I hope eventually she would forget all that pain she went through under my care and forgive me.

Till now, this has been too much of a ride for me, I don't think I can handle more of it. I am mentally exhausted. Causing pain to the others is one of my worst fear, I avoid it at all cost. My own children, fine, I carried them inside, I gave birth to them, I cared for them 24/7, literally 24/7, for the first 6 years of their lives. Although I still would fall into despair and self-blame after they fall asleep in the night, because I got too angry and shouted at them too much during the day. But overall, as how little they are now, they are still mine, we breath the same air, the guilt of "not treating them right" could easily be offset by extra effort somewhere else. When it comes to other people out of my own pack, I sniff around and walk pass tip-toe, so not to mess things up. Consequences I won't be able to handle, so I erect a wall, keep myself inside. I don't know, this indeed has been a very hard experience for me.