A change of mind

I don't even know how to start... 

Today was the pick-up day for Lulu, both Sravan, Chantelle and baby Ashoka came after landing in Sacramento. I had been updating them the situation with Lulu: "It's the second day of her being sick, still refusing any food or water, energy low, shivering nonstop, but luckily she's still not isolating herself, but stood up to follow me around in the house; we fed her some water in the morning, she vomited out within a minute, she peed several times since yesterday; I took her to office, didn't let her walk but wrapped her up in a blanket and held her in my arms..." 

Thousands of thoughts racing in my mind: it could be something she picked up from the floor over the weekend, maybe onion and garlic from Indian cooking; it could be kids' snack dropped in the car, chocolate, nuts, whatever; it could be that Saturday night walk in the rain with the kids, some viral flu or simply getting cold in this freezing temperature. In such a gray mood, on way to Berkeley I drove my car piercing through the thick storm, my right hand gently stroke her head that strengthlessly laid on the passenger seat, my tears were screaming to come out. She seemed even less responsive compared to yesterday. I mean she didn't eat for a whole day yesterday and continued to not eat today!  

When Sravan and Chantelle got here in the afternoon, kids and I were out for classes. Chantelle asked me if this happened before, Lulu was falling down to the ground. "What? Really? Didn't happen before! I just dropped off Aditi to Taekwondo, on way back home now." It was not like she was fainting, but more due to being weak and disorientated without food or water for this long. Oh my dear Goddesses...

Basically this is what I learned from Sravan and Chantelle: 

1. If it was food poisoning, her gum could turn white, she would be throwing up nonstop, trying to expel everything out of her stomach, and she would drink a lot of water, maybe showing signs of stomach ache. But her gum is pink, she doesn't keep vomiting, she is not thirsty to drink water voluntarily and she doesn't seem to be in pain with the stomach;

2. She has severe separation anxiety, she did the exact same thing before with Sravan, first threw up the food, then yellow color liquid due to empty stomach. It was not because of bad food intake, but only triggered by her anxiety;

3. She had 4 other homes before she landed in Sravan's hands, which means she was abandoned 4 times by the time she reached 3 years old. This childhood trauma deeply imprinted in her and it's the root cause of her mental illness. She feels insecure, she doesn't play much but follows humans around, she complies to humans and acts obediently. One of the most significant chronicle symptoms of her mental illness is separation anxiety;

4. Dogs are super sensitive creatures, they can sense your emotions and imitate them. If you are anxious and uneasy, they would start acting anxious and uneasy too. Especially if they regard you as the head of the pack, they watch your emotions and act accordingly, most of the time, mimicking your feelings;

5. What happened to Lulu most probably was triggered by the fear that she was going to be abandoned again and be adopted into my family. Daddy mommy didn't show up for more than a week gave her a strong signal that she was losing them and again got thrown into the endless loop of searching for a home where she belongs. For the first few days things were fine because she thought it could be a temporary arrangement with me, since I was a friend to daddy mommy. But as time went by, she was more and more convinced that her daddy mommy were not coming back anymore.

So today when I showed up in the house to talk to Sravan and Chantelle, on the sight of me, Lulu started shivering. "What, she was not shivering when you guys are here, only doing it when she sees me? Oh no, she has been doing the shivering for the past two days nonstop! Even when I was holding her! That's why we thought she caught cold or flu! All this time when you were holding her, she didn't shiver? Oh no, Lulu!"

I went through such a rollercoaster for you... I thought you loved me, I thought I was enough for you... But what happened when you were young fundamentally damaged you and you can't help it at all, can you? If your daddy mommy were to give you up this time, you wouldn't survive at all with me, do you? No matter how much I loved you, no matter how much I loved you... 

And how am I able to handle such drama if I ought to have my own puppy? They are so intelligent, so emotional, so loyal that they are literally synced to your emotions, how can my puppy survive from my emotions pouring out like lava on daily basis? My off-the-chart fast-changing excitement, sorrowfulness, rage and stress is gonna kill the puppy like invisible venoms! And what if my puppy would do the same like Lulu, factually committing suicide when I am away from her for a while? How can I ever explain myself to her like human babies? And how am I going to bear such emotional burden and stress?

Up to this hour, Lulu has already made huge recovery from her "illness" since her return to home. Her daddy mommy gave her a cold bath since her temperature is slightly above alarming level due to all that wrap-up we did to her. Once her temperature dropped back to normal, she first ate some treats at 8pm, then at 10pm she willingly ate her can food with Chantelle, Sravan cooked chicken for her at 10:30pm, she ate 10 pieces. She loved it so much, nothing like how she felt for the past two days, turning her head away from all food. 

This is the message I sent to them earlier:

So yup, I don't think I will ever get a puppy for myself, I simply can't handle it, emotionally. 

I guess this has turned out to be a useful trial at the end.