Psychiatric treatment

Just a few days before, Raj made that comment about "you are so much better with your parents this time, not so many, almost no crazy fights for the past 9 months". We analyzed a whole list of reasons. Was thinking about writing them down, but got way too busy, binged "Indian Matchmaking" in 3 nights.

But then that day, I broke my keyboard. Threw it on the floor, a few keys fell out, Raj put them back. I don't think I was angry with my parents at all, nothing special got added on, just couldn't control my emotions. Pretty crazy the moment after waking up in the morning, like a fireball rolling and bursting out furious flames, burning everything to ashes. When I was young, they been acting like this quite regularly no? Once a few months, once a month, once two weeks, throwing furniture at each other, screaming at the top of their lungs, and the coldness would usually last for a few days, I just hide in the dark and cry.

Later that afternoon, felt the blood flowing down. Sometimes menstruation does push me to the extreme side of the mental spectrum. Not too often, but when it goes, quite scary. Luckily Raj has become such a veteran on this. 

Was trying to book COVID tests so they could get greenlight to board the flight back to China. Said something, they replied some mean things back. Then all I could remember was throwing my keyboard and cursing my dear leader for 5 minutes. Cursed him, cursed his dad, cursed his son that he doesn't have, cursed his whole family, in English. I guess my kids are at school now, finally regained my liberty to openly curse my dear leader and throw things in the house lol. 

Went out for a drive for an hour, listened to some songs, carried on but was able to stop myself from some out-of-my-mind thoughts, wept like a baby. Got art supplies for horse riding summer camp. Came back and apologized. 

"Absolutely nothing to do with you. It's because of my period, I just couldn't control my emotions... I was only shouting at the computer screen. Not you. Not you."

Then when I came back home at 8pm after a whole afternoon's teaching, coaching and chatting at horse riding summer camp, soccer practice and Taekwondo studio, made kids do great art, ran with the kids until jacket was soaked, and chatted "everything about TW" with a new TW mommy friend from Taekwondo class, Raj came to the garage and quietly told me, "Your mom talked to me today for half an hour. Using Google translate."

"What did she say to you??"

"She asked me to take you to a hospital. They think you are mentally sick, need a doctor, need medicine."

"Ya, they been calling me psycho for years. They literally call me 'sick in the head' or 'mentally ill', because of what I was writing and sharing in Chinese. Told you many times no?" 

"She said 'Why she has to comment on politics? Why she needs to know? We are only very small people, we just want to survive. Politics has nothing to do with small people like us.' I told her 'That's the difference between places without freedom and with freedom. People who live in democratic societies participate in politics, discussion is a very crucial part.'"

"Oh, because I was cursing my dear leader today morning right?"

"She said you don't love them, don't talk to them, you don't come to the kitchen. I told her this is a mutual feeling, they also need to respect you and try to listen to you, which they never do anyways. I told them they don't respect you at all. And you do try to help clean a lot, but they take over everything, right after they arrive, no? I can never cook anymore in the kitchen, and cooking is something I love to do."

"See, told you so, if you were a Chinese, we would be manipulated to death, and maybe eventually be split by them. The worst is if your Chinese parents were the same as them, we would be so doomed, kids would be literally raised up and brainwashed by grandparents..." 

"She said you don't earn any money, you are just a housewife, why doing all those things here and there, rather focusing on making food and arranging things at home, focusing on being a good housewife. I told her you are very happy and you are very good at anything you do. I told her making money is not important to you and you are very respected by the community, you have a lot of students and friends."

"Waa, waa, waa. Now you are rich, you become my parents' better son that they never had?"

"Ya, they are really concerned, they think you need medical help, some psychiatric evaluation, isolation and medicine kind of treatment. I keep telling her you are good, you are happy, you are healthy, you are stable, you have absolutely no problem at all."

"Good, that's why I'm with you instead of staying in China lol. Will eventually end up in a mental hospital and never see the outside world anymore, no?"