Fear

Was helping my daughter take shower, and heard my son talking to my mom about something but in a loud voice and in distress. I left my daughter in the shower and went to my son. He was obviously very angry. Sometimes he gets annoying, but today I think he was emotionally disturbed. 

What happened was when my parents were "deep cleaning" my children's room today, my dad tore down and threw away Shiva's art hanging down from the ceiling. Shiva made it a few weeks ago while we had the big playdate. It was to welcome his friends to play in his room. Basically just a thread and a bunch of paper sticking to it. Guess he tried to imitate those "happy birthday" banners, but with sticky notes where he drew and wrote on them. 

"Why did you tear his art?"

"It felt off and what exactly was it? Does it have any value? After so many weeks it's not enough? Why keep hanging? I only threw it in the dustbin ok? (It could have been thrown out completely!)" My dad's voice was rapidly getting five folds louder and his temper spiraled out of control. Within seconds he got into an attacking stance as if he was entitled to be furious because Shiva was complaining in a rude manner. Plus I sided with Shiva right away.

My mom quickly slammed the door of their bedroom, and my dad's explosive lashing was instantly blocked away. I also quietly shut my children's door.

"They never respect me too ok? When I was young all of my art never got to be saved, some art I really spent a lot of time making and collecting, but one day I came back home, it all disappeared. I questioned them, only getting shouted at and blamed. I never got to keep anything from my youth.

But that's my dad ok. It's not yours. Mommy and papa respect you, right? We keep your artworks, right? We allow you to put up your art and decorate your room by yourself, right? I never got to put any art on the wall of my room. Not even one picture I drew. It will be torn off for sure the next day. That's why mommy never liked drawing and painting too much, no? But mommy can draw very well, no?

Mommy grew up like that, never was respected, not even now, did mommy turn into a bad person? Sometimes mommy gets angry and shouts at you, no? Mommy really couldn't help it. Mommy grew up being shouted at like crazy and everybody else shouted at each other like crazy. All of mommy's artworks were trashed, and all of mommy's pets, my fishes, my silkworms, the cat, the dog, they were all killed in a bad way. So mommy really couldn't help it that sometimes mommy gets really angry.

But I really try my best to respect you, ok? I preserve your artworks, I let you choose what you want to do, I listen to you, I discuss things with you, and I respect your opinion on things. Why? Because I don't want you to be like me and my dad, easily getting very angry. I want you to be calmer. You can get angry sometimes of course. If my artworks got torn down, I will explode too. Especially since you always get the freedom to put up your work anywhere. But I want you to be able to control your emotions better than I. Actually, you are already better than me, what am I talking about? 

Yes, you can get angry, but there's no need to shout at my dad ok? He is only my dad, not yours, right? All you need to care about is how your mommy and papa treating you. My dad is too used to treat people like that, he also can't help it and he won't change ok? So mommy wants you to forgive and forget. Just forgive and forget, like what I did my whole life. Mommy never is angry for too long, no? You too, don't get bothered, no need to shout. Forgive it and forget about it. Mommy is on your side, no? That's the most important thing. Let's keep the banner now on the desk, wait until tomorrow when you have time, you make a new and better one based on the old one, and stick it up again on the ceiling, ok?"

My son listened to it without a tiny bit of fuss, cooled down entirely, started to feel bad for me right away, and got excited about making a new one tomorrow. That's my son, a priceless golden heart.

When we came back from Europe on June 14th, the first thing I noticed was all the artworks of my children were gone. They were sticking up or hanging on the wall. My dad couldn't help but threw all of them away. The lanterns my son made for his sister's birthday, the watercolor paintings my children did, and different kinds of crafting projects. All gone.

I got mad actually. Only my mom was downstairs that time, I exploded and questioned her why they always threw away children's arts. Did they ask permission? At least ask my permission to throw away all of my children's art, alright? My mom didn't reply at all and after a few minutes I also quickly ran back to my room. 

So the hanging homemade welcome banner which was made with sticky notes looked like those hanging yellow square-shaped cloth in Tibetan/Nepali culture. That most probably got my dad super annoyed, even trigged some fundamental fear I assume. 

The fear which is deeply rooted in the ruthless communist regime, fear of art, fear of culture, fear of humanity, and fear of expression. Any form of individual expression is a form of individual freedom. And individual freedom is the worst fear of the regime.