Using my cousin sister Rong's words, "People in China are not '安居乐业' (live and work in peace and contentment)." She is a lawyer for civil cases in Fuzhou. Because she is divorced, many women prefer her to help with their divorce cases. She earns quite a lot nowadays, drives a Tesla as a symbol of social status. She told me that when I had the marriage ceremony back in 2013, people were talking about me as the one who was most likely to divorce or suffer from unforeseeable misfortune, because I married a foreigner. Now, more than a decade has passed, and I am the only person who has stayed in a stable relationship, while none of my cousins ended up having a good marriage. All are either divorced, a single mom, or far away from finding a companion.
The infrastructure is dreamy in China, from metropolises to small towns and villages. If you are a tourist passing through the country for a few days, your jaw would drop in disbelief and amazement. How advanced has China become, right? Clean streets, fancy buildings, complex high-speed rail lines, and every transaction digitalized. Robots and drones are everywhere, as well as surveillance cameras, while cash is nowhere to be seen. But at the center of all life and emotions, there is the blatant exploitation of the world's most prominent, richest, cruelest, and most ruthless gangster organization: the CCP. They own every single cell of the land and the people, constantly sucking the essence out of every individual. They, under the leadership of the dictator, are making sure all small private businesses have hard days and years ahead and will gradually all die out, causing the country's economy to fall and people to suffer. At the end of the day, all the land belongs to the gang but not an inch to the people, no?
Of course, people are not '安居乐业'.
I got six years' worth of updates from my friends and family this time. Mostly, it was gossip about my peers' divorces, remarriages, affairs, and even imprisonment. At least half of them have divorced, some multiple times. Affairs and scandals have become so common that they are completely normalized. Since women are mostly financially independent, divorce has become the norm. However, women who don't work outside the home and earn good money are discriminated against. This discrimination comes from a deep-seated insecurity, fueled by the lack of a social safety net, that's visible on every person's face. Many of my peers - including my parents' peers - have experienced or are experiencing bankruptcy and business failure. One close acquaintance was even jailed for economic crimes. Sudden, drastic rises and falls in people's lives have become increasingly common. In a land without laws or rules, who can really know the reason behind anyone's imprisonment? Gangsters kill each other easily, no? And there is one truth that is applicable to every matter, every event, and every being in China: power and connection. No rules and laws, but everything functions under power and connection. Then their prison is solely for the purpose of power grabs and power struggles, no?
The signs of a stalled and failing economy are everywhere. Our dictator has single-handedly buried China's economic prosperity by reverting to a state-owned economic structure and communist ideology. He has suppressed and exploited all private sector and small businesses, forcing them into bankruptcy, while making the country an enemy of nations around the world. His capricious leadership has caused widespread uncertainty and fear, pushing out entire industries and manufacturing chains.
A gloomy, unfortunate cloud hangs over everyone. The general public is finally feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with a society that seems "perfect" from the outside - a feeling that this image of "perfection" might be imposed and forced upon us. This is the same feeling that drove me to leave all my comfort and luxury behind, to discover what was different in a world utterly unfamiliar to me. It's a feeling I had been fondling in my mind for as long as I could remember, but I could never find a single soul to discuss it with or validate it.
Now, after almost two decades of rootless drifting and endless struggles, I am finally the one to blame, because I have built a life that is entirely free from the curse of that land. I used to be soaked in lawless blood, submerged in stacks of cash, jewels, and alcohol. The kind of money I see now, I had seen and lived with some 20-30 years ago. I have touched more gold and jade that belonged to me than most people's grandparents. But I never took comfort in it and never forgot that raw, absurd, but intuitive feeling - something was fundamentally wrong. I yearned for rule and law, and yearned for a sense of justice and dignity that I only read about in books. Now, each penny I own is absolutely clean; I am finally the one to blame. I know it's ultimately unfair because no one can choose their starting line, but I've paid my dues and have never stopped my efforts to help. In my stubborn conviction, the only help this cursed land truly needs is the truth. I have never stopped trying to help in my own stubborn way, even though it caused me to be hung on the wall. After all of that, now, finally, I am the one to blame.
In my small hometown of 150k people, everybody was aware that I had come back for a visit; their eyes followed closely wherever we went. People were obviously staring at us, but they only quietly murmured to each other after recognizing us. Unless they were my parents' friends or acquaintances, they wouldn't actively reach out. In contrast, in India, I turned into the center of attraction wherever I went. People called out to me and requested to take a photo with me. I ended up on hundreds of Indian people's phones for a few days while traveling around the country.
Oh, China, the place that holds all of my lost childhood dreams, the place that will stay in my deepest consciousness no matter where I move on to, the place I could call "home" in the most natural and intimate way. However, this homeland of mine had my roots cut and discarded cruelly, and I've stopped growing them, not here, not there, not anywhere. I have turned myself into rootless duckweed, floating wherever the wind takes me. Perhaps the deepest conscience doesn't come from roots, but from the monsoon rain, from the wild winter's snow, from the sweetness a natural spring carries, or from the first cheeping sound of a baby bird. I have a thousand and one connections and links with this land, and my fate will always be intertwined with the people there. My baby cousins, nieces, nephews, uncles, and aunties are living there, and I love them to the core. Still, I do not belong there anymore. I am only a traveler.
I never have regrets in life. I try my best, even if it means going against the world, and as long as I believe in it and wish for it, I'd go for it and gladly take all consequences. No regrets but one - not meeting my grandma for five years before she passed. It was out of my control, I really couldn't do much to change the outcome, and along the way, I only had good intentions. All of my effort for more than a decade to bring about good change to my land resulted in the only regret of my entire life. I am the one to blame, and I am the one to curse.
The entire totalitarian regime stands in front of me. I am not afraid of you. I, will, never, ever, forgive, you, each and every one of you who robbed, exploited, grabbed, raped, kicked, and spat. You couldn't overcome your greed. In your continued exploitation and grabbing, you robbed and withheld billions of trillions of dollars' worth of resources for almost a hundred years that belonged to the people, and turned us into landless, homeless beggars who have no dignity or humanity. I. will. never. forgive. you. I stand in front of you and look down upon you. I curse you to face the karma you deserve within your lifetime. I have no hate; I am only bestowed with infinite Goddess power. I exercise no punishment; I will only make sure you reap what you sow.
When Raj was in Singapore, one of his associates told him, "I just took my son to China for a visit. I told him that China is what the human future would look like - impressive infrastructure, high tech, but people are quiet because of massive surveillance and censorship".
This was a very accurate and forward-thinking piece of sarcasm. The world is gradually shifting right in front of our eyes, aided by high tech that has ended up bringing more division and distraction than unity and strength - technology that ultimately helped, rather than hindered, the invasion of authoritarianism.
Nevertheless, I had a great trip to China after six years, because family is family, whether in a dictatorship or a free society.
Every single one of my cousins traveled back home to meet us. They took some days off work and journeyed from Shanghai, Hangzhou, Xiamen, and Fuzhou to our hometown, Guangze. One friend also traveled from Xiamen to Fuzhou to see me.
I realized how much my baby cousins, with whom I grew up, love and miss me as their eldest sister. This became clear when: my baby cousin brother, Zhong, recalled his peak life moment as getting Moritz, the German, completely "under the table" (as well as himself) during my Chinese wedding over 12 years ago, in January 2013. He complained that he's still very much traumatized and now has compulsive habits related to the "trauma" I put him through by "forcing" ghost stories, horror movies, and scary evening mountain tomb-hunting tours on them. My baby cousin brother, Yi, is now entering a brand-new world that could be extremely dangerous, no matter how enticing it appears. He'll need my guidance and reminders from time to time, much like how I ensured Raj never strayed off track over the years. I seized my 20 minutes of face-to-face time with my closest baby cousin sister, Jing, and scolded her unreservedly for what she had been doing over the past few years. Later, I received appreciation from all the other young ones and her parents, who were in tears because nobody else had dared to do so. I wiped my other auntie's tears and kept assuring her I was on her side and would make sure my mom was too. This was after she was completely wasted, spent hours crying and complaining about her relationship with my uncle, and felt her life passing her by. She had stayed small, weak, and vulnerable for the sake of her children but decided "no more" now that both children have grown up and built their own lives. I defended and affirmed my baby cousin sisters for their life choices, whether it was getting a divorce or staying single, and tried to broaden their views by sharing a little about my life on the fronts of feminism, relationships, and women's mental and physical health, among other topics.
Six years have passed without us meeting in person or chatting much online, but not a single second has distanced us. We're as close as we were when we were just kids 25 years ago. My cousins are 12, 7, 2, and 1 years younger than me; I either grew up with them since birth or took care of them from their birth.
My mom and dad took care of all their parents by giving them secure jobs and helping them financially. My mom has always been pouring money and resources into their families to give them a better life. During all festivals, big or small, the kids received good food and cash from my mom. Whenever we received gifts, which was almost every day, my mom would distribute them among my baby cousins' homes. My mom sponsored many travels and local trips so my cousins could have as much fun as I did. My parents made sure all the kids studied well and went to good colleges, and they always gave them pocket money each time they left home.
When my persecution case happened back in 2021, my uncles and aunties weren't happy about it at all. It was truly scary, and nobody knew how it could affect them in real life. This time, I met a friend who told me I had no idea how serious and widespread my case was back then. Everyone she knew was talking about it, and they reminded each other not to use my name - the three Chinese characters - neither online in any chatting group nor in person. People automatically went into self-censorship mode and felt extremely anxious if they had ever been close to me. They couldn't dissociate from and denounce me fast enough so they wouldn't be affected by my "falling into disgrace." I can imagine if I still had access to my old WeChat account, I would have seen my friend list dropping in real time, a dozen a second.
Hence, I understand why my uncles and aunties felt the way they did. In fact, they only scolded me a little one time during a video call while I was apologizing to them for the millionth time. They stood firmly behind my parents since day one, being the strongest and most crucial support system for them while I, the culprit, was thousands of miles away.
And my baby cousins? They've always appreciated my honesty and strength and never questioned me in any way. They felt bad for me and fought with others to defend me. They still do. Rong posted our photos together this time, and when some acquaintances from her circle left foul comments - unsurprisingly - she pushed them all back.
Over the years, I became a factor for my family and friends to filter out their fake friends - whoever didn't stand up for me or defend me wasn't a true friend. The convenient part about this was that they simply distanced themselves from us.
I apply the same principle to my situation: whoever genuinely wants to reach out to me will surely find a way. If there's no active effort to connect, I'll assume and respect your desire to maintain a distance from me. And yes, I am surrounded with real friends and family who truly love and support me, no matter what.
None of us chose to be born into authoritarian, totalitarian, or dictatorial regimes, but authoritarianism, totalitarianism, and dictatorship can't define us - at least not entirely. We live, we explore, we love, the same way as anybody else in this world. In the dire reality of dictatorship and constant censorship and suppression, if we can find a way to stick to our truth and to love each other, especially when it is against propaganda and directives, we are the true heroes. Our courage and strength will surely stay and prevail, and that's all it is about.
What a dream! What happened in China for the past week, I've never imagined could happen within my lifetime.
Because of my prior personal experience as a "Cultural Revolution 2.0" victim, massive online bullying & violence over 13+ years, today I'm 1000% ready when the real wave finally hit the shore. I have absolutely zero fear left in any part of my body, ZERO.
My personal platforms are built over the years, therefore overnight, I find myself using skills in collecting and verifying information, making multimedia content, plus being authentic and outspoken, to Amplify the voices of the brave Chinese who finally decided to step up, facing off the ruthless authoritarian regime.
I'm holding up my A4 paper, as high as possible, in my way.
Two things we've realized after the past week:
1. As long as we rid of the fear and become brave, you'll see they are not even 0.1% as strong and brave as us, complete cowards, shameful idiots;
2. I'm never alone, we're never alone. There are so many of us thinking about the exact same thing for years, some of us dared to speak up, and some of us didn't. But when I look back, all those lonely moments when I thought I was "too stupid to not pretend", "too naive to speak out whatever was in my mind", I was a fucking hero.
Guess what, I have never really faced any concrete life threat but there are so many Chinese inside China, they have disappeared, killed, locked up in prison and tortured, still, they stepped out and told the truth. They are the true heroes, they gave us all courage. If people like me who are comfortably hiding in democratic countries still won't step out and fight for other people's rights, I have no more words for such cowardice and selfishness.
So ya, I'm blown away by what's happening and filled with hope for seeing a China that could be free one day. But I'm not forgetting my promise of posting bikini photos! Here are some photos we took right before the A4 Revolution in China.
Also, I'm showing you what I've been doing and will be doing on my YouTube: sharing words I think it's important for Chinese to see and hope they pass over to more Chinese who need courage and affirmation.
I really hope with what's happening in China and Russia right now, people in the world, especially the free world, should wake up to the false anticipation of authoritarian economic models and delusions of totalitarian governments.
Whatever progress China made after disguised itself into the free world's market, at the core it was by exploiting peasants who were forcefully turned into cheap laborers and at the cost of polluting & exhausting any natural resources possible, leaving behind air unbreathable, water full of heavy metals and a food industry utterly untrustworthy & filled with scandals.
Your individual freedom, freedom of thoughts, freedom of information, and freedom of expression, it's not worth it to trade that for any amount of money. No need to mention your freedom of staying in whichever city you want, having whatever amount of children you want, either more or less, and your freedom to go out the door and buy food so you won't starve when there's a pandemic outbreak.
The truth is what has been happening in China for the past almost 40 years is just a detour. A capitalism detour. They stole the idea of capitalism, without ever acknowledging the term "Capitalism", decorated with an authoritarian style of lawlessness and ruthlessness, and used it for money grab.
Without a change in its political foundation, China will eventually go back to its regular path of famines and purges.
Shutting down doors and tormenting powerless people is what China does the best and will surely happen more often and more viciously in the near future.
Sometimes the best relief after a period of sadness is talking to someone who really understands you. Somehow for some reason, I have been always lucky to have that. Out of nowhere, boom, dropping from the sky.
When I was persecuted Cultural-Revolution style, a group of girls whose boyfriends/husbands were also Indians were there for me. They were very much shaken and outraged by the incident and stood by my side during the two weeks of torture. Because of them, I made it through. I am still feeling grateful for them.
When the whole world is watching Ukraine, the scope and degree of involvement vary a lot. I believe most people may be puzzled why a bunch of Chinese so crazy about it?
Freedom is something that most people take for granted in the free world. But freedom for us means everything. And freedom for us has never been free.
Only people like us, whose life had (or has still) been ruined by tyrannies and their totalitarian state apparatus, whose most precious has been taken away by the brute force of evil power fueled by greed, people like us who constantly live in conflict and turmoil because it's impossible to cut all ties to one's roots and blood, understand that - the most important thing for this Earthly life has nothing to do with money or matter, but only freedom and value.
On and off, I have been in contact with my hometown girl. We lived in the same government residential building. We were part of the gang that grew up together in the same court. Two years younger than me, she always called me "older sister" and kept in touch with me.
When I was roaming around the world, seeing everything with my eyes wide open, transforming, "you told me Europe was really beautiful, people were different outside of China". When I was with Raj and first time understood the meaning of respect, "you told me to hold on to that, respect, you told me to look for nothing else in man. I had no idea what was it then."
I guess the same things I must have over and over again told each and every person I was talking to. Because these are the foundations of my reconstruction.
After all that efforts, at least one that I helped.
"I had been feeling guilty all those years, as a single child, married a foreigner, settled outside, 'abandoned' my parents. But I can feel guilt no more."
"Exactly! They had been emotionally blackmailing us the whole time too. All of the conversations ended up in heartbroken fights. They never tried to understand us, I don't think they are even capable of it."
"Completely same here! Now I realized, for my own sanity and my children's future, the best decision I made was to be with my foreign husband and stay outside of China. In that way, my parents couldn't play a hand in my marriage and were not able to split up me and my husband."
"Can't agree more! For my children all I'm teaching them is respect, respect themselves, respect the people around them, respect all walks of life. The universal values of the civilized world like freedom, liberty, equality, human rights, people here are so used to, but I'm learning like the best student in the first grade. Taking notes, word by word!"
"I'm absolutely the same! Sometimes when I look back, I still feel ashamed of how the evil state machinery made me indifferent and selfish. Meanwhile, I also feel so lucky to eventually be part of the civilized world and regain my empathy, conscience, and dignity."
"Awww, don't feel bad! All of us were the same. Nobody could avoid the fate of being molded to be a petty nail for the evil machinery. We didn't get to choose, it was not our fault. What's important is we were given the chance to escape and rebuild! And now our children are allowed to grow up to be real human beings with kindness and honesty. We did well."
"Ya, 100% true! And I feel the disconnection with everyone in my Chinese family and almost every one of my old friends. We hold entirely different values on everything. They just wouldn't understand the meaning of liberty, equality and rights. Despite how agonizing it is, I take solace in living in the free world, watching people disagree and debate with manner, watching them peacefully find solutions via civilized means instead of authoritarian style of imposing and forcing upon."
"Can't believe how similar our experiences are! I also lost connection to all of my Chinese family members and have been trying hard to avoid any conversation with my parents other than food and logistics. We all grew up under constant propaganda and more than 90% of our education equaled brainwashing. How could we build the capacity for independent thinking, and when did we learn to tolerate opinions that were different from the propaganda doctrines? If we didn't marry a foreigner, didn't use English for regular communication, we would be just like them and not knowing what's wrong with that."
"Yup, can't agree more! We could be corrupted by power and materials, we could be indifferent to social injustice, we could be overrun by fear. What's wrong with the system is that it suppresses people's conscience by terrorizing them with force and luring them with material comfort. People are deliberately kept ignorant, selfish, coldblooded, and shortsighted. They only care about the one or two inches of interest in front of their eyes. The void of such dull life is accustomed to being filled with fired-up nationalism and propaganda. The dominators, on one hand, suck dry the ruled's souls and righteousness, on the other hand, pump in poison and toxic to mass-produce sheep and war soldiers. The reason I am angry with the middle-class Chinese is that a lot of them had seen both sides, but still chose to take the one or two inches of interest in front of them. Not knowing that by condoning corruption and injustice, they can never build a fair system that effectively protects individuals' rights. Today you might be taking that one or two inches of interest, but tomorrow you might as well be the cost of that one or two inches of interest."
"Totally agree! That's why when Ukraine is under attack, it feels like the most precious longing in the bottom of my heart is set on fire. They had achieved it, a democratic society where each citizen has his/her say by voting. They fought so hard for that. Seeing a centimeter of that hard-fought freedom being snatched away is to cut a centimeter of my heart open."
13 years ago I had a flight layover in Moscow, it was a Russian airline. When the airplane landed in Moscow, passengers started to clap and cheer exclaimed. It was my first time seeing this so I asked my neighbor why, they said "our Russian pilot is the best in the world! Did you see how he landed, so skillful!" It was also my last time seeing that.
Years ago I had also traveled around Poland, saw many cities, saw people having their uncontrollable excitement about officially being part of the free world, meanwhile holding down the sadness and fear from the past. They just felt unbelievably lucky and tried to move on past the dark memories, quietly and steadily.
Now whenever I spot any unnecessary exclamation under any form of nationalism, I think about Russia, I think about China, I think about the people under Trump and so many alike around the world.
And they all are associated with ignorance, violence and destruction.
Sitting on the grass, watching my children play in the park. Today is a sad day, I have been crying. Many young lives have been taken, too suddenly.
No report no news, but we all saw it. We saw the young lifeless once beautiful bodies with shorts, t-shirts and skirts, lying on the platform, so many of them together; we saw lifeless young faces, closed eyes and bloated bellies lying on the metro doorstep; we saw them head-down floating on the muddy water, with no movement; we saw father struggling to grab hold of his son but son flushed away at the end; we saw them crying for help with weak breathes, stuck there for 10 hours, sending their last messages because oxygen is almost finished...
Do we know how did it all happen? Who is responsible? Do we know is it truly a natural disaster but not wrongdoing? Do we know anything at all?
Today is a sad day.
Why I had to leave? Because I had to find a place where laws and order are used to protect the weak instead of enslaving the whole, I had to find a place if disasters happen, I could trust the numbers and updates from papers and screens, I had to find a place where life is cherished instead of being grilled like insects.
Why don't you understand? Food was what they promised you, but without rights and freedom to choose your entity, your life is for the take at any passing moment. If you don't even have the power to choose, how can you not be as light as an ant?
But how can they understand if from birth their eyes have been covered ears have been blocked? How can they leave if not feeling hungry and ragged is their day-to-day struggle, even if there's a will?
When is this going to end? The despair and tears? When is this going to end? The darkness and hopelessness?
Have we not suffered enough by now? Not enough of us have died by now?
Behind such violence, it's all about fabricated dreadful stories and fake accusations. It's about ordinary citizens who lack the basic fundamental rights to think and speak freely, and possess no means to protect their rights.
I guess when you are in an environment that is filled with fraud news and provocation for hatred, it's hard for the people to understand what's right and what's wrong, what to believe and what's fake. It's even darn hard for a lot of them to keep their last bit of humanity intact, soaking in constant and a ginormous amount of brainwashing content of hatred and violence.
A lot of people told me: "They (pinks and trolls) hate you because you criticize them, and you should criticize the government but not the common people." I was like:" Hold up hold up, who said I was criticizing anyone or anything publicly? Ever? Do I dare?"
What I did for 12 years in Chinese social media was to introduce my authentic multicultural life, introduce India from all aspects: Indian people, Indian customs, Indian culture, Indian history, Indian travels etc... and I maintained an objective tone, I said things as I saw it and felt it, I didn't easily take sides. At least I'd tried very hard to, playing by the rules, however, the rules kept changing and straitening without warning signs.
And I was THE only person who dared to use my real name and real stories to show the connection with India. Well, I guess the majority of people who dared not to use their real names and faces, understood China more than me.
And look where I'm now.
I said this many times and I will say it whenever needed: what happened to me and happened to the whole generation of Chinese who once existed in Weibo, has nothing to do with what we said and what we haven't said. As long as you dare to make different choices in life, different from what the propaganda machine propagates, in my case, so outrageously out-of-line as to marry an Indian who is by default discriminated and detested against by the state and the people under its control; as long as you dare to make one line of commentary that doesn't come from the propaganda directory, just one line.
🙏 Pray for India. This new wave is horrible, a lot of people got sick and are in danger. I still remember last year this time, I was so sad because I saw in Chinese social media, so many people were cheering and celebrating the suffering around the globe. I was in distress and heartbroken, remembering how when I was in high school, the teachers and students cheered and celebrated for the dreadful event of 911 in America. We were just kids, and I was so puzzled by how much zest the teachers had, big smiles on their faces as if they saw happiness, drawing with chalks on the blackboard, describing to us how the towers went down by planes and why it was such a happy event for them and their country. I Will Never Forget That.
Same thing for COVID, in my Chinese social media account, regularly I received comments celebrating the death toll in America and India. As how much heartbroken I was, I was still fighting, I kept reminding people we were all the same, people were just people, we should not be divided by nations, races and cultures. I was taking my heart out, telling people, please please please show some respect. No matter what nationalities we have, what skin colors we have, we are all the same, I have family in India as well as in America, I love them all. As responses, I regularly received comments cursing my whole family to get covid and disappear.
I am definitely not saying all Chinese are like this, but I completely agree with 狗哥, if the kind-hearted (majority?) Chinese are All in Silence, either they are in fear of speaking up or their voices are suppressed so nobody can hear -- the loud voices that we can hear, are representing you all. And if those loud voices are evil, that means your country looks evil.
What a nightmare. I am just so happy that I had tried my best and got out, so I will never have to see anything like that anymore. What a relief, fuck ya!
This time we are celebrating the traditional festival of Karva Chauth. This is the map of North India, not exactly covers the states where Karva Chauth is celebrated, but the difference is only by one or two states, that’s why I’m using this map (sorry I don’t know how to make my own map yet), I am also listing the states where this festival is celebrated on the right side of the map.
This is a very important festival in North India. It’s a women’s festival, celebrating the love between husband and wife. Wives would pray for the long-life and well-being of their husbands, they also fast for one whole day from sunrise to moonrise.
Yes you heard it right, wives fast and pray for the long life and health of their husbands. How lucky to be the husband right? Exactly my thought! My first impression was that, because in North India usually women’s rights were more oppressed (compared to the South), that’s why this festival was more prominent. And the people who were celebrating it were unconsciously falling into the trap of Patriarchalism.
Think about it, why only the wives have to fast and pray for the long-life of husbands, right? Why husbands didn’t need to pray for the health of wives, right? For me, it reflected the unbalanced power in the relationship, manifesting the dominant role of husbands in the family.
As a hard-core feminist, also as someone's first time hearing about this festival, in the beginning, it was not easy for me to accept this festival as it was. I was worried that with the celebration, women’s rights were violated, at least the current husband-wife status quo in the North was going to be enhanced, which would ultimately hamper the progress of the feminism movement.
Drawing from my own understanding, I was also afraid that women were damaging their health by fasting, and some households might be forcing their daughter-in-laws to fast, so as to save money on her food. Coming out from China, I am very familiar with how a patriarchal society looks: sisters always get less than brothers, less food, fewer toys, fewer clothes, lower in both quantity and money-value, daughters usually get way less investment in their education and development, compared to sons.
It was much easier for me, a person who was not native to Indian culture, to accept festivals that featured the power of Goddesses like Durga Puja, Kali Puja and Lakshmi Puja etc, but not festivals like Karva Chauth.
Actually my own in-law family doesn’t celebrate this festival, because they reside in the East part of India (although there are similar festivals like this I’m sure). The reason this festival got into my life was, a lot of my friends were from the North part of India.
November 2018 when I was in Delhi traveling, I joined a Karva Chauth prayer gathering with my friend, as well as participated in the celebration party hosted by my cousin sister-in-law later in the night. November 2019 I was at home in California, my neighbor is a Delhi girl, she and her friends hosted the prayer gathering and I was lucky enough to be invited.
My friend, the woman who took me for the first Karva Chauth function ever in my life, now she and her husband moved to San Francisco. This festival is very important in her family and culture, so this November, I also celebrated Karva Chauth with her. In fact, one week before Karva Chauth, my neighbor pinned me in WhatsApp to discuss this year’s celebration, it turned out that she and her friends all preferred to have the prayer by themselves, instead of gathering, due to the pandemic outbreak.
It seems like no matter if my in-law family celebrates Karva Chauth or not, I am going to celebrate with my friends here and there every year. Karva Chauth will be part of my adopted Hindu life anyway.
To be honest, for the past two years, I joined the events as an outsider and an observer, due to my curiosity. I fathomed, it was so fortunate to be invited into the authentic celebration of unfamiliar cultures, therefore one could really get into it, and understand it.
However I hadn’t done any fasting for both of the years. In fact, I hadn’t done any fasting for any of the Hindu festivals I ever participated in before. Simply because my in-law family never asked me to. Instead, my in-laws always urge me to eat on time and eat well, they love to see me take good care of my health. There were some events that required my mother-in-law to fast, some happened to be the time when she was here with us in America. She just did it quietly all by herself, never even bothered to tell me more details. When I asked, she said, “I am ok, I am old, it’s good to fast sometimes. But you are a baby, you are my child, so you don’t need to fast at all.”
This slightly obscure attitude toward mothers on fast seems to be kind of common nowadays in India, resulting from the ongoing feminist thinking awakening. A lot of people started questioning if letting their mothers fast is a truly good idea for their health since malnutrition and health negligence happens way more often to women, who are holding sharply lower social status than men.
During the prayer gathering for Karva Chauth, when I told my friends that I wasn’t fasting, they just replied “Oh ok” without further inquiry. Because it was completely my freedom, they respect it, just the same as I respect their freedom to fast.
Derived from my own prejudice, I subconsciously connected wives’ fasting and praying to behavior that is “subjected to sexism”. However, after observing my friends who truly enjoyed this festival, I started to question:
all of my female friends, like the friend who first introduced me to Karva Chauth, right before the prayer gathering, she was wearing a saree, all dressed up and driving a giant Jeep in the street of Delhi, showing full confidence (oh we had a lot of fun on this one). Her husband is a successful entrepreneur in Silicon Valley who founded a fast-growing startup, a rising star indeed, however, she didn’t rely on his help, but steadily built up her own organization, bringing the beautiful and rarely seen culture from her birthplace to the world, helping to mobilize and liberalize the women from the mountains.
And take a look at my cousin sister-in-law and her friends in Delhi, they are all working women, they all have their own professions, and are financially independent. My sister-in-law’s tall friend, this beautiful lady, has also been running for elections in Delhi, wishing to join politics. And according to my observation, their relationship with their husbands are equal and modern, as admirable as any happy couples I’ve seen in different parts of the world. Btw that’s the true face of the middle class in metropolitans in today’s India actually.
And my friends in America, these amazing ladies who all work in Silicon Valley’s high-tech companies, some of them in high-ranking management roles, almost all of them have Master’s degrees in technology or management.
And most importantly, they are all somewhat feminists (in or out of the closet feminists as I put it, like my husband, I call him In-the-Closet Feminist, who is still needing a bit time to come out of the closet, but judging from his behavior and thought patterns, yes, he is a feminist). Yes I talked with most of my female friends if I had a chance, very directly, as you know me, so I know.
Ok, hence my question is: my feminist friends, why they are willingly being subjected into the customs that are seemingly sexist? Why don't they feel it’s not Ok to fast and pray for the husband’s long-life, while the husband doesn’t need to do the same? Aren’t they feeling oppressed?
For the cultures and customs that one is not native to and not familiar with, just based on some shallow impressions, a lot of people tend to judge it from a “higher moral ground”. Perceiving oneself to be more liberal and more progressive, putting oneself into the mindset of a “savior”, a lot of people tend to impose their own opinions on others from different cultural backgrounds, without fully understanding the other cultures.
This is some fundamental human trait, a mistake that all of us humans keep making over and over again, throughout human history. Therefore, my early judgment on the festival of Karva Chauth, is it a prejudice built on misunderstanding and ignorance?
No matter what, I think I took the first step by asking questions and starting to think over.
As I was digging more into it, I gained more knowledge and understanding on the concept of Fasting:
1. First of all, I got myself familiar with the origin of the concept of Fasting: fasting exists in all of the major religions in the world - different branches of Christianity and Catholics, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddism etc etc. The Taoism that originated in China also required intense fasting to obtain immortality. Each religion has its own rules, what can one eat, what can not, is water allowed or not, which festivals require fasting, for how long, at what exact time etc etc.
Although there are derivatives of the method, the purpose of fasting tends to be similar across religions - obtaining purity in the body hence the spirit, so to better pray to or serve the god/ goddess. Gluttony (excess greed or lust for food) is considered to be a major sin across different religions.
2. Secondly, I realized fasting is only a form that has no indication to the core relationship between husband and wife. Because fasting is a religious behavior, it’s not pertained to gender, it’s surely not an act designed to keep women oppressed. The women who fast in Karva Chauth, the action of fasting itself, has no correlation to being anti-feminism.
But if the woman truly accepts her unequal family status and views her husband as godly and higher in command, if the woman truly believes that her well-being is less important than her husband’s, her existence is merely an extension to her husband’s. Then the celebration of Karva Chauth for that individual family, is soaked in sexism for sure.
However each family has its own situation, it could be completely different from each other. Labeling the festival of Karva Chauth or the activity of fasting to be unprogressive and illiberal, it’s making a generalization and suspiciously stereotyping.
Take my friends and family for example, all of them are financially independent and emotionally mature, their husband-wife relationship is based on mutual respect and understanding. So when they pray for their husbands’ health and prosperity, there is hardly any difference to how you and I pray for the health and well-being of our parents, siblings, family members, friends etc.
It doesn’t matter if the person prays on a specific festival or not, if the person fasts or not on that festival. The core relationship between husband and wife has no cause-effect relation to the formalities.
On the other hand, for the couples who are already in an unequal relationship, the reality is not going to change due to the festival. The reality of a wife being the victim of marital inequality, emotional suppression or even physical abuse by the husband, abuse by other in-law family members like mother-in-law or sister-in-law, abuse by the society that treats this inequality as a norm, is not going to change, if you fast or not.
The only feasible path to lift up women’s social and family status, in my opinion, is that women have to fight for their own rights, gradually, over time, little by little. In time, a woman has to find independence and self-worth from other places like the workplace, a career of any sort, or just something she is good at, a friend circle that is in favor of her etc -- somewhere that gives her validation and fosters her self-respect.
forgot to record the paragraphs in bracket【With the newly obtained self-realization and confidence, a woman can undergo some under-the-table negotiation with her in-law family, so as to improve her situation in the family.
In my opinion, in a lot of cases, a change of attitude and perception could bring a significant amount of change in the relationship. If you are always willing to be subjected to oppression, the suppression will grow only stronger and more ruthless. But if you learn to stand up on your feet and express your feelings openly and wisely, slowly, an understanding about you could be formed, and that could bring you changes. 】
According to my observation, some of the best tactics for the feminism movement, in family and social structures (most probably not applicable in professional fields) are to unfold quietly and steadily, over the course of time. The most effective way to achieve is not to outthrow the current social setups overnight, but to somehow maintain a healthy social and family relationship, while secretly growing bones and muscles for future negotiation.
However this is under the circumstance that women's rights are not violated by ongoing violence of any sort or outright exploitation.
From a different angle, unequal family relationships (as how we define “equality” in the 21st century), is not automatically an indicator of lacking warmth and affection among the family members. Most probably, the spontaneous and passionate romantic flame is lacking, because to make that kind of a spark, one crucial condition is that the couple should consider each other as equal and be mutually intrigued by the counterpart’s ability and prowess.
However if the wife treats her husband with high regard and views him as the one who takes care of the whole family, vice versa, if the husband credits his wife for holding up her “designated roles” in the family - as a loving wife, a nurturing mother, a respectful daughter-in-law etc, this is also a functional model for a husband-wife relationship which could lead to harmony and happiness.
Therefore in the so-called unequal relationship, if there is no violence and exploitation, you can’t say for sure that the couple is unhappy, needing your savior. At the end of the day, we all think differently and want different things. The path to self-salvation, is one’s own path to take, only one can do it for oneself, nobody else.
The truth is, for thousands of years, almost all the husband-wife relationship in India has been built upon this model, a model where each family member has his and her distinctive role, and the roles for men are definitely more essential, more important and respected by the family and society.
This traditional family model has always intertwined with culture and religion, acting as the bedrock of social morality in India. Generation after generation, people have been protecting this social structure as part of their culture and heritage. Thus it is unrealistic to break down this structure overnight, so to serve the feminism movement.
And it surely will do more harm than good to society if change happens too fast (talking from a Chinese’ perspective, in modern history Chinese’s drastic social changes only brought turmoil but hardly progress). I don’t think this is the path the feminism movement should take.
In fact, the feminism movement in India also rarely focuses on demolishing the current social structure in a short period of time, but seeking a way for improvement and reformation. For example, pushing reforms in the legal system, to make more inclusive laws to better protect women’s rights, to make more efficient legal procedures to better deliver justice to the hurt ones. For example, raise awareness about violations on women’s rights, raise funds to make more girls educated.
As a matter of fact, dialogues in different styles - themed conferences, news reports and analysis, books, movies, tv serials, documentaries, talk shows, youtube videos, social media groups and posts, even advertisements, are part of feminism awareness efforts. And all these dialogues are playing an important role in changing the landscape of India’s social structure, gradually.
Back to today’s topic, this is my second realization: fasting is only a form that has no indication to the core relationship between husband and wife.
3. My third realization - I’ve learned how Indians really feel about fasting. In India, fasting has traditionally been seen not only as an act of religion, but also a health method. By fasting, people believe they give time for the body to detox and cleanse, removing toxins that are accumulated in the body over time, which could be potentially harmful for long-term health. After one fasting cycle, the body could reboot and start again, clean and fresh.
This is especially true for seniors, Indian people believe as older you get, the ability to digest food decreased. It’s very common to find Indian elderly reduce food intake significantly, especially meat, oily and fatty food, so to keep fit and achieve long life. Actually, the majority Indians, when they are getting a little older, usually 45 to 50 years old, will switch to a purely vegetarian diet, if they were not a vegetarian earlier in life. In this way, not only their body could be cleaner and healthier, their mind is also getting purified.
This is the reason why Indians are not likely to connect fasting to rights’ violation. Rather oppositely, most Indians consider fasting a fine and healthy act for body and mind, and they would love to find excuses such as various festivals to conduct it.
4. Fourthly, I’ve gained a broader understanding of the way people celebrate this festival, financial-wise. It turns out, most households spend additional money on the wife and daughter-in-law during this time. Women are likely to receive gifts from their husbands, mothers-in-law and friends. Gifts such as fancy sarees, jewelry, makeups etc are usually given by the husbands. Wives would love to wear them during the prayers and gathering, so to show how much she is loved.
The prayer thali(the metal plate) with sacred pot, sieve, sweets, diyas and all, usually is prepared by the mother-in-law, she gives it to daughter-in-law as a gift, every year a new set. Mother-in-law is also in charge of preparing her daughter-in-law the grand breakfast before the fast. Breakfast is put together in another thali called Saagi, it better be grand, with all kinds of tasty bites. The dinner to break the fast is also usually a big one, prepared by the husband or mother-in-law.
Therefore to think that people are saving money on women’s food, is far away from reality. At the end of the day, it’s a festival that belongs to women, for them to enjoy and feel happy about.
5. And lastly, I’ve also realized, traditionally, during the fast women who have no outside work usually sleep the day off by not doing any house chores. Family members also don’t expect them to work. The only thing she needs to do is to dress up and join the prayer event in the evening. If you are that woman, is it a tough choice to make? Yes, no lunch, but in return, no house chores and tons of gifts and fun.
Not only the misunderstandings on fasting was cleared, I’ve also digged more into the origin of this festival: Karva Chauth is mainly celebrated in North India, because according to one of the folk tales, it originated in the time of the Mughal invasion. Men were at the border fighting Mughal armies so to protect their families, women and children were left at home to pray for the men’s victory and safe return.
So each year, there was one day, women would love to dress up with colorful new clothes, make a lot of sweets and spend a day together, they would fast from sunrise to moonrise, to pray for the warriors who were fighting the war. This origin is especially popular among the Sikhs and Kshatriyas in North India who are the warriors traditionally.
Just like all of the festivals and mythologies in India, Karva Chauth also has multiple origins. One of the other popular ones is: in ancient times, a new bride was sent far away from home to her in-law family, it could be really lonely and considered unhealthy for her well-being. The solution was to “assign” a Godsister to her. The Godsister would talk to her daily, help her be familiar with in-law’s culture and customs, share her secrets etc.
Therefore Karva Chauth in some areas in the North, is a festival to celebrate sisterhood.
The bride, her godsister and other women in the family and neighborhood would start purchasing new sarees and jewelries weeks before. A few days before Karva Chauth, they would paint the clay pot with colors, make a lot of homemade sweets to put in the pot. They would also draw Mehndi on their hands and feet, so as to enjoy the festivity. On Karva Chauth day, they would exchange the clay pot full of sweets, in this way passing their gifts and appreciation to one and another.
It’s the love among women that they are cherishing and celebrating during Karva Chauth.
I have to say after observing these many Indian festivals, I have come to understand one thing: why do people follow traditions with such zests?
Because tradition is the heritage their ancestors, elders and grandparents passed to them, tradition is the knowledge of life their parents and family gifted them to have a better life. To respect tradition, is to show acceptance and love. Calling tradition the transmission of customs is not entirely conclusive, tradition is rather more of transmission or demonstration of love, love to your roots and origin.
That’s why when it comes to tradition, a lot of people intentionally fail to notice or reason the logic behind each and every custom, as long as nobody is hurt. For centuries, even thousands of years, whatever their family has been doing, they would follow through, so as to show respect to their roots.
I think this is a very crucial standpoint to understand Indians and their persistence to tradition.
After learning all these fascinating facts, are you also gaining a better understanding, as well as a more respectful and favorable attitude toward a culture that is different from yours? It’s a fabulous thought experience I have to say.
To any tradition and custom that survived for a long time, especially in India, uncountable traditions have survived for thousands of years. Thousands of years! That’s longer than most of the civilizations that had existed in human history. If you haven’t been living in it yourself, if you haven’t made yourself acquainted with the details, if you never cared to figure out the hows, whys and the history behind. Based on limited knowledge and experience, judging and criticizing from a baseless “higher moral ground”, it’s called Prejudice and Discrimination.
Sadly it’s one extremely common human trait, I am pretty sure we all made misjudgment out of false conception that we inherited from our impartial knowledge of ourselves and the world.
The important thing is to learn to wake up your mind and open up your eyes, so be able to consciously avoid such traps in the future.
Furthermore, as I was learning about traditions and customs, I realized that there was always some reason why certain customs were passed down from our ancestors, and the reason most definitely was sincere and was for goodwill. In other words, traditions are usually served as accumulated life experiences aimed to improve the quality of the descendants’ life.
This means, tradition is not something sinister to begin with, rather oppositely, it’s something that should be treated with respect and consideration, even though sometimes it could appear to be out fashioned.
Unfortunately, in modern China, some people in power had malevolently used the “rusted part” of the tradition to impose that all traditions were backward and regressive, and needed uprooting eradication at once.
Why? Because only with such distortion, plotted social uprisings were able to establish “moral ground”. Abrupt and forceful social changes come with great social unrest, social unrest comes with the chance of manipulation, hence the chance of consolidating power.
In the name of purging “innately backward and outdated traditions'', truly was all for personal gain and power grab.
The long-term consequences of such draconian measures are yet to be unfolded. But one thing is clear, after one cultural cleansing and another, China suffered tremendous loss of traditions and heritage.
Uncountable profound customs are on the edge of extinction, for example most of today’s Chinese hardly know the detailed procedures of Chinese traditional weddings and the meaning behind each step, yes, there was reasoning behind each setup...
For example, we hardly know the stories and tales behind each traditional festival, let alone how to prepare for and proceed with the celebration and prayers.
Do we still follow the calendar of Chinese New Year? 3 days before, 2 days before, on the eve, new year day 1, day 2, day 3, each day has its own function and rules. Do we still unite our ancestors from the past and celebrate all the household genies like Kitchen God, Craft God and Land God? No, we only have a vague idea but not much in detail, at least that my family has lost track of the to-dos and not-to-dos down to the days.
Do we still have our village or community band and dancing team to perform traditional instruments and dances on specific days and events? No, those are rarely found in cities, even in the most remote villages.
The rich soil of culture has become thin and barren, the once colorful way of living is now tasteless and bland.
Because some customs were old and not compatible with the new norms, so to dismiss every other old customs and eliminate all traditions as a whole, I have to say this is a complete failure of policymaking.
A nation without traditions and heritage, it’s like a plant without roots, you can count the days before it fully dries out.
In Chinese society, a lot of collective symptoms have already emerged due to the loss of roots, for example, the loss of moral compass and core social values, the loss of confidence in the sense of cultural identity. An obvious indication of moral decay and loss of faith is to be found in every corner of society.
And on top of that, a promised open, modern, scientific, democratic social and political structure is light years away from reality, even though the old had seemed to be once deserted completely.
On the other hand, India’s well-known Soft Power is built on its deep and vast roots of history and culture. The cultural identity of Indians is shockingly unshakable, the adherence to one’s own culture and heritage helped the Indians navigate through in the dark age of colonization, exploitation and cultural imperialism, it helped them gain independence and find the light of democracy, it helped them embrace modernization and transition into the new age.
The influence of Indian culture to the world is so significant, there is indeed something we all could learn from it.
Also I have to point out that for Chinese, tradition is not the only thing taken away from us, in the wake of violation of any right (no matter it’s the right to tradition or the right to religion), most likely you will find yourself losing all of the rights, namely Fundamental Human Rights, on top of the list is Freedom, Freedom to Be Yourself as it is, Freedom of Choice, Freedom of Speech, Freedom to Think and Freedom to Thrive.
Losing tradition is just the result of losing individual freedom. And if God permits, one day, freedom could be replenished into the society, people might find a lot of lost heritages back, I hope.
I have to say, under the Extremely Centralized Autocratic rule of Monarchy, Individual Freedom is its Natural Enemy, as natural as freedom is the Innate Quality of Human Beings.
China has been exercising centralization of government's power for more than 2000 years and came up with an Exquisitely Sophisticated Mechanism to maintain centralized control and constrain Liberty. The system is so Intricate and Profound, it has become Immensely Difficult to bring any change into it.
But there is no other way to obtain freedom but to change this state apparatus, and to change the system, the only key is to release the power of Individual Freedom.
While for more than 2000 years the concept of liberty has been Amputated to serve the purpose of centralized control, the Suppressed and Twisted understanding of freedom has become the core value of the Chinese culture. How can the Chinese break that spell once and for all? You tell me.
Ok ok I’ve gotten carried away, back to Karva Chauth, how do North Indians celebrate this festival?
On the day of Karva Chauth, women would fast from sunrise to moonrise. Around 3 to 4 o’clock AM, women would wake up to eat a grand breakfast, this feast before the fast usually is prepared by the mother-in-law and is pure vegetarian. After the early breakfast, the fast starts.
In most places, women don’t even drink water during the fast, but just like all the things, in India, there is no universally fixed rule on anything, a lot of women also drink water and milk tea (chai) during the fast. Especially for the women who have to work outside the house, it helps to drink chai with sugar and milk, they need that portion of liquid, carbohydrate, and protein to stay up.
Actually, if you have a big breakfast and keep drinking some milk tea throughout the day, it’s not so difficult to skip lunch, because a grand dinner awaits.
On the afternoon of the Karva Chauth day, traditionally, women would take showers and change into their new dresses, they would put on makeup and fancy jewelry. Then they would gather together, sit in a circle to have the prayer event. There would be one senior lady reciting the stories from ancient times, the stories about the warrior husbands on the border who fought the invaders to protect the nation.
After one section of the story, the storytelling senior stops, women start singing prayers, while holding up the sacred thali, and pass it onto the lady next to her. After one round of Thali passing, when your own thali comes back in your hands, this praying section ends with you placing the thali in front of your forehead and saying a prayer, afterwards the storytelling section resumes.
After many rounds of sections like this, when the storytelling senior finishes her stories, the praying event is also ended. Usually, it lasts about an hour. Women then get up, pay respect to seniors and greet to one and another. There are lemonade and water on the side, for the women who prefer to drink water during fast.
On this footage, it’s the Karva Chauth prayer gathering event I attended in October 2018 in Delhi. Most of the ladies in the video are Sikhs, Karva Chauth is one of the main festivals among Sikh communities because traditionally they have always been fighters and warriors.
Let me have some more words about the praying thali. On the Thali, women would place one or several diyas, some matches to light the diyas, a special sieve, some water in the decorated pot, some sweets, some fresh flowers, a little red clothes to cover the thali etc.
Diyas are to be lighted up during the prayer gathering and moon watching event, the sieve is used during the moon watching event after moonrise. During the moon watching event, both husband and wife would come under the light of the moon, the wife would see through the sieve to appreciate the magnificent moon and her handsome husband. Meanwhile the husband would feed the wife some sweets and water from the thali, to break her fast, as well as to show gratitude for her sacrifices.
All these details are very interesting, I will explain more when I show you guys how we celebrated Karva Chauth in the year of 2020, in the next video.
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