My heart bleeds

I am not doing well. 

I don't understand why there is so much suffering in this world. 

I can't bear to live in such a world. 

I thought I escaped all that brutality by leaving China, but the truth is, escaping humanity's inhumanity is pure quixotism.

Am I the one who's gone mad, or is the world? 

Am I really existing, or is all this just a nightmare from which I could wake up?

Why does everybody act so normal as if none of them saw or heard a thing? As if nothing had happened?

Why do people fail to respond to children's cries for help? How can people allow the powerful to conduct such atrocities against children? 

How small people's minds are? How dark people's hearts can be?

Is this how it unfolds -- people, as a whole, gradually getting numb and falling into the abyss of authoritarianism and totalitarianism's coldness and cruelty? 

Or we, as people, never really had power?

Even when we were granted a certain level of power, we were too weak, ignorant, and deceived to accept and use it? Or did we take it for granted?

People are so selfish and short-sighted that they just couldn't see past the distractions and delusions in front of their eyes, and again and again fall into the same trap?

Most people do live in their tiny, dark, and lonely boxes without sunlight, don't they?

If I allow myself to be exposed to all the menacing crimes against the innocent children around the globe, how am I able to continue living? 

It takes a lot of courage to face the truth, that's why most of us choose to be small and weak, cold and distant, and choose to turn our heads away and shut our eyes?

Why is humanity always, always filled with slaughters, conquests, and oppressions? 

Endless atrocities — wars, genocides, extermination, eradication, and subjugation of entire peoples, they might pause for a while, but they will never leave us, will they?

Each powerful man has the potential to turn into a monstrous slaughtering machine, even with the whole world's helpless eyes on them?

Each society, no matter where it came from — even a high ground with absolute openness and freedom — could fall into darkness in a single night. It happened again, it will keep happening, isn't it?

What is wrong with us?

What is wrong with us???

The beacon

Parents, especially my mom, were excited to break the news to me: "We earned some money in the stock market; we'll tell you the details in the video call!" they hinted. I was unavailable for two days, and finally, they managed to get hold of me. 

"I thought you guys promised to never step into the Chinese stock market again?" "We got some special intel and stormed in and out in one day and earned a bunch." "Oh, I see. People will be thrown in jail in America. It's called insider trading." "What?! No, we are not doing anything illegal." My mom defended herself. "China too, it's illegal, I know." My dad knew, "Now I know why retail investors are the meat in the Chinese stock market, doomed to be sucked dry." He added. 

"I've been warning you two about this for how many years now? Ten? Maybe longer? There is no rule of law in China, not at all in the capital market; it's filled with insider trading, government-business collusion, corruption, and all kinds of illegal practices you can ever imagine. Who makes money? The bigger muscles that have the tightest connection to power at all levels. Who falls off the horse? Not the ones who 'break the law', but rather those who get pushed off the grid and executed in a power struggle, not because of any 'rule of law', but because they lose. Whose money do they make from? Retail investors who are brainwashed by government propaganda put in their whole life's blood and sweat, dreaming to gain something, but most definitely would find themselves crushed to powder and bones. Precisely how you lost so much of your own blood and sweat earlier. How many times have I explained this exact thing to you guys by now? Have you listened to me even once? Now that you have firsthandly experienced the fundamental norms in the Chinese capital market, you have tasted what it feels like to be on the side of the real gamers and exploiters, you can finally understand what it means to be a ready-to-be-butchered retail investor?" I won't miss a chance to patronize them, will I? I don't ever want to see them being sucked dry financially and emotionally any more. That's that. 

"No, no, all those politics have nothing to do with my life. My life is only from hand to mouth, I am only an inconsequential ant, and I don't intend to speak of any politics. I just want to live a comfortable life and..." My mom's brainwashed mode was switched on instantly in response to my comment; she went into the "defend the motherland/nation/one party/dear leader at all costs" lane in a mile a minute. 

"Yes, you do need to keep your mouth completely shut about what you did. Don't even talk to me over WeChat calls, as they most likely are monitored and recorded. But considering your position in the potential power struggle, which is entirely non-existent, no power struggle whatsoever on your way, you are reasonably safe. Just don't walk into it even one more step further, and stay the fuck out of all of that. You don't need any of that money!" 

"Okay, we got it." My dad knew what I was talking about. 

The thing is, as I thoroughly understand how China functions, in today's America, when I commented, "You will face legal consequences," I didn't feel the same level of confidence. Why? Because right now this country is ran by wanna-be Nazis and dictators who drool over all that illegal practices to aggregate unlimited amount of resources and consolidate absolute power!

Will America be strong enough to withstand such sudden blows? It is my constant struggle, if not fear. I have lived through my entire life, and I know how people can survive any sort of government malfunction. However, I also know how people's hearts and minds can become so twisted that you won't see an inch of light or humanity in them anymore. 

How to keep America's light of hope? How to keep the beacon that is lit inside most of its citizens' hearts by the strong social nest and civil society? How to keep the unshakable sense of dignity, integrity, and rule of law, after one day we shall get through the menacing darkness, once and for all? I believe this should be our number one unending search in such a dark time. 

Don't overestimate yourself, Trump. 

You haven't been a dictator long enough, lol

Darkness is Never Too Far Away