We'll get through this

Rebecca Solnit writes: 

"They want you to feel powerless and to surrender and to let them trample everything and you are not going to let them. You are not giving up, and neither am I. The fact that we cannot save everything does not mean we cannot save anything and everything we can save is worth saving. 

You may need to grieve or scream or take time off, but you have a role no matter what, and right now good friends and good principles are worth gathering in. Remember what you love. Remember what loves you. Remember in this tide of hate what love is. The pain you feel is because of what you love. 

The Wobblies used to say don't mourn, organize, but you can do both at once and you don't have to organize right away in this moment of furious mourning. You can be heartbroken or furious or both at once; you can scream in your car or on a cliff; you can also get up tomorrow and water the flowerpots and call someone who's upset and check your equipment for going onward. 

A lot of us are going to come under direct attack, and a lot of us are going to resist by building solidarity and sanctuary. Gather up your resources, the metaphysical ones that are heart and soul and care, as well as the practical ones. 

People kept the faith in the dictatorships of South America in the 1970s and 1980s, in the East Bloc countries and the USSR, women are protesting right now in Iran and people there are writing poetry. 

There is no alternative to persevering, and that does not require you to feel good. You can keep walking whether it's sunny or raining. Take care of yourself and remember that taking care of something else is an important part of taking care of yourself, because you are interwoven with the ten trillion things in this single garment of destiny that has been stained and torn, but is still being woven and mended and washed."

Blues

I've been seeing prof prepare for this outcome, mainly following the lead of the funders, for more than half a year now. It was the first time he informed the others in last week's monthly meeting. After the virtual meeting, the two of us chatted for two hours, just like that, no outline no structure, just whatever we gathered in our minds. Maybe he needed that, maybe I needed that. 

This time around we are much calmer even though we know the reality will be much direr. I will always keep in mind what prof told me, "Make an effort on the things you can control and change, let go of the things that you can't control." 

I avoided feeling the direct impact of this election. Didn't cry didn't fuss. Got back up soon enough. I tried to feel the power that "We are all in this together" by caring and checking on the ones I care about. 

Now it's been five days, but suddenly today, I woke up with an ounce of blues. I can't explain why, maybe a lot is attributed to my refreshed reflection on being a woman.

I do not feel empowered, I do not feel cherishable, I do not feel unlonely.  

Even though I am surrounded by loved ones, even though they constantly let me know verbally that they love me, and love me to the core, I do not feel unlonely. 

All of my life, all of me, is segmented into small pieces, handed out into various people's palms, and shaped into the forms that best suit their needs. 

In my loneliness, I am wary.

I am apprehensive that only the varying shapes and forms in their palms which remotely resemble me, are what they situated to love; I am frightened that ultimately I'm just a tasty candy that gets passed around, but no one wants to taste the bitter core under the sweet coating; it's agonizing to me that I've lived all my life for the others, I might not be able to find out who I really am and what I really want.

What do I really want? At this point, I am not sure I have the courage to dig deeper. I'm too used to bury it and hide it, my true feelings. Because it doesn't matter, does it? When the children came, when husband's career was on the rise, when you were needed in many different situations, you spun around, circling all of them, you shrank and wound down. 

I am too used to resisting, rioting, and battling, I do not anymore know how to be calm, how to absorb, and accept. 

To that, I hold my blues.

Her fantasy

"what's your fantasy?" he asked

she was not able to reply at the moment

but her fantasy,

her fantasy has to be whatever makes you content and satisfied

her fantasy must be related to allowing you to take control,

because that doesn't happen ever so often

her fantasy is to live in her own world

her fantasy is to live freely in her own world

her fantasy is to feel whatever beauty is in front of her

her fantasy is to love without the burden of norms and labels

her fantasy is to kiss and be kissed

her fantasy is to touch and be touched

her fantasy is to make love

when there's nothing more meaningful to do in this world

  

her fantasy is to run wild like a little girl

to draw out her lovey things with colorful crayons one by one:

dogs, cats, rainbows, and unicorns

grass, butterflies, dahlias, and dandelions

her fantasy is to be shielded from the filthy and vicious

her fantasy is to be held tight when they wave their claws

trying to strip her off all her rights

her fantasy is to stand strong even when she is only by herself

 her fantasy is to not only keep her voice loud, 

but to give a solid voice to the voiceless 

her fantasy is to be loved

her fantasy is to be respected

her fantasy is to be cherished

her fantasy is to be her authentic self

and her fantasy is to be free

Woman

I'm just a woman

have no roots

have no routes

I just want to exist 

in my own terms

in my own forms

no chains

no constrain

no reign

don't mock my dreams

don't cut my wings

don't whack my swings

set me free

Story of Kitty

 

@momo.zheng

♬ original sound - Momo Zheng

Reflecing on life

Not sure if it's because a life-changing election result is coming, or it's because I'm almost turning 40, found myself reflecting on life. 

What a journey, I have learned a great deal over the past few years. Both Raj and I have become excellent communicators. Obviously, I am doing a better job than him. It's because of the experiences, also because of my big nerve and non-apologetic personality which I was born with. I now find myself asking for whatever I want, arranging with people how to get it, and ya, getting it whenever, wherever, and however I want it. I have been the main organizer for events, I have set up profiles on various platforms. It's me who fixes up the tones and practices effective communication.

Through rich experiences, I know what to do and what not to do in various situations with a wide range of people. It's always me who gets to set up rules, who chooses and initiates therefore people can follow my fun, mainly because I get the nerves to desire and execute. Most people are either too low energy, too lazy, or too much living in the box. The shame, norms, and doctrines that were ingrained in their brains will last them a lifetime. 

I find myself living my life completely free. And I will not trade this freedom for anything. 

Of course, the most important key here is a great partner like my husband, whose mind has no boundaries and whose love for me has no limit. I do get both with my husband: a stable family for raising beautiful children, also a romantic journey of exploration that never stops. If you find the right person, you can get both. 

I do keep it a very small circle I can call friends. I seldom allow people to get close. Well, in my case, I am emotionally the dom because I am active and I make efforts, so I pick whoever I want. Once I realize anyone crossing any kind of line with me, they are gone from my life, forever. And most people can't even get any closer, even if I include them in my fun sometimes. 

To be honest, it's just simply too rare to find people who are genuinely fun. People's minds are constantly occupied by trivial shits. With too much thinking and calculations, they lose touch with some primal abilities such as feeling life's boundlessness, colorfulness, and thickness as it is. 

Such a fun loner I am. At least I got my husband to share everything together. Maybe sometimes life is just about this, solo or some real partner to share it. Try to finish it with no regrets and tons of fond memories. 

Because my daddy says so