Two months

"Feels like we tumbled inside Yoshi's, kissed there the entire time when music played on stage, tumbled out and mesmerized to watch trains passing by, isn't it?"

"Yes! And that two times!"

"We had a great two months together, didn't we, Nate?"

"Yes, we had a great two months together... Baby, you're so beautiful, I'm so attracted to you..."

"Same here... Baby, you're so hot, I am so attracted to you too... Can't believe we just met like that in Harbin, in the hot spring water. All of a sudden, you were dropped from heaven, right in front of my eyes. Everything happened like an explosion, what a dream..."

"Thank you for talking to me in the water and letting everything happen, baby... I wanted you so much, I'm so grateful for you, oh Momo, thank you for giving me all of this... Our sex is so extremely good, no? You're so special, I respect and admire you so much, Momo, I look up to you..."

"Oh gosh, the sex, sooo good.... This is so beautiful, baby, you're so special too... We are so beautiful together, at this space, at this time... We are so lucky... Thank you for being here with me, Nate. I'll remember this forever. I'll always remember you and the bling bling I put on your face, your ears, oh gosh, you're so hot... I'll always remember the music that connects us, and our moments that are so beautiful and sweet, taste like teenage spring rain..."

"Oh gosh, I loved it when you came up to me and whispered in my ear that you would remember this moment forever... It felt like the first time I ever kissed, nothing else but us existed at that moment, in our corner at Yoshi's... My soul likes your soul, baby."

"My soul likes your soul, baby. And I'm so proud of you, Nate, I want you to take good care of yourself, okay?"

"I am so proud of you, too, Momo. You also will take care of yourself, okay?"

"I'll miss you..."

"I'll miss you too..."

The faces of The Bay Area

What a year, 2025. 

One friend asked, 

"What are the most excellent decisions you made in 2025?"

Without a doubt, I replied, 

"I think all the decisions were excellent, big or small. 

I had only fun and zero regret!"

*Body Count

And yes, most of them stay as "body count".

Some of them would turn into beautiful memories,

eventually, long or short.

Very rarely, 

only a few of them have the potential to make a profound friendship with,

even some companionship.

Snow is here

The arrival of the snow was delayed by a day, but it is finally here. As I sat mesmerized by the rapidly accumulating white scene outside the Airbnb window, the simple act of snowfall felt novel to me, like a miracle - even though I grew up with it.

It is the same way I feel about life. I have been alive for so long now, yet the sense of astonishment and novelty regarding how my life unfolds has prevailed. But there is no instruction booklet to guide me, only a great deal of noise. At the end of the day, everyone experiences existence in their own unique way.

I imagine my path might be frightening for others to watch, yet that dose of fear has never quite managed to reach me. For a conscientious human being, isn't every move intentional? Aren't the matters that crumble before us simply the ripple effects of our past actions? Accumulating like the snow that keeps falling.

If I have never followed established guidelines or existing moral compasses, how do I distinguish "right" from "wrong" - knowing, as I do, that these are merely social constructs that exist only for a fleeting moment?

Strangely, I have never felt the need to ask myself that question - just as I never inquired why I am here to experience the fresh snow. "Pure luck," most people would conclude. I do not disagree.

I am built as a being of openness, receptive to the goodness of the universe. I was born to believe and to receive, just as the earth receives snowfall unconditionally. If there is one thing I am certain of, it is this: I am not capable of hurting the beings around me.

I have become much more ready to let people in, even before I can see through their energy and intentions. The experiences of the past few years have prepared me well to let people pass through me, leaving no harm, only tasty memories. But they only pass through; they don't really stay, do they? Layers of white will form on treetops, on roofs, and on the winding pathways around the big redwoods. They, too, will soon disappear.

I can't deny that I'm still confused. I am confused by living in a world designed to keep me inside a laced box; I am confused about exactly where I stand and what it is that I want. I thought I was a free spirit, capable of stretching out and establishing connections; I thought I was free to extend my arms and embrace whatever beauty was in front of me. I thought I could fall from the sky like snowflakes, without a purpose or a sense of direction.

But I am not that free after all, am I?

If I possess neither freedom, nor wits, nor wisdom, then what do I have? I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. As I watched the twirling snowflakes, destined to be earthbound, I found a sense of relief. 

"Ah! Here we are again!"

Time. It is time. I do not possess it - the concept of time is naturally at odds with the concept of possession. It is simply part of my existence at this moment - assuming I am one of the extremely lucky ones. I wish to extend and stretch, to embrace and simply be - not horizontally, not vertically, but within time.

I look back at the window, watching the white blur against the redwoods. I may not be free, and I may not have a map, but I am present. And for now, that is enough.

Paolo Nutini · These Streets

2025 🥰😍

My facial expression for 2025 ⇊

Another fabulous year 🥰😊

A normal day with Raj

Still here

I am still here. I know I have not updated my blog for more than a month now. But ya, I am still here, enjoying life. All that time got squeezed out because of new connections and new adventures. 

It is what I am supposed to do, no?

I am forever changing, forever expanding, and forever evolving.

I am bonded by no direction, no rules, and no destination. 

I am no one, yet I am every one.

I am the poet, and I am the prostitute. 

I am the smoker, and I am the dancer.

I am the mother, and I am the son.

I am the musician, and I am the magician.

I am the bird, and I am the rainbow.

I am the wind, and I am the rain.

I am the stone, and I am the river.

I am the songs that were sung and forgotten.

I am the lyrics that bled and fled.

I am the moon that is trapped in a monsoon.

I am the dust that has never failed to last. 

I am the invisible bond.

I am the connection.

I am love in its purest form.

I am energy with a face that you can draw.

I am the future. 

I am the past.

I am the present.

I am the inevitable. 

I am sadness in the happiest smile.

I am satisfaction in the faraway galaxy.

I am colored feather that flies thousands of miles.

I am deep-sea turtle who never forgets the way back. 

I am time,

and I am stretched. 

I am space,

but I am bent. 

I am nothing, yet I am everything.

I am calm.

I am peace.

I am life.

And I am I.