Life goal

I don't know how many times my mom urged me to 

"get a real job," "have some wages,"

so I "won't be dependent on Raj," 

and "can buy whatever I want but not beg the others."

I was like -  LOL? LOL!

Do I look like someone who could work 8 hours per day for some capitalist corporation?

Do I look like someone with the word "beg" in her dictionary?

I idle around, reading whatever I want to read,

buying whatever I want to buy, and saying whatever I want to say --

isn't this the ultimate goal of life for most people?

Why do I ever want to lower myself into this rotten, filthy world

with patriarchal and only patriarchal standards,

willingly shed my creativity and spirituality, 

and metamorphose into a brick in the wall?

I could have chosen to not be a victim by

not giving in to monogamous marriage and childbearing.

But I was young and stupid, and I couldn't do this to my parents.

Now, with my weakened bones, whitened hair, and wrinkled face,

think I would ever want to enslave myself to someone (other than my own husband) 

and "earn a fucking wage"?

Ha! The funniest joke I've heard for days.

I tell Raj, "If I don't spend your money, well, rightfully mine, now,

in a few years, say we part ways, it will never be mine anymore!"

"What, I help you save it for your next young wife? LOL!"

Logically, all I should do is idle around 😂

Doubting myself?

Combing and reading through new and old articles introducing Chizuko Ueno and China's feminism movements (a lot about the government's suppression efforts). Realized that the perceived world I think I live in is a million miles away from contemporary Chinese. 

I. will. never. fit. in. there. any. more.!

But, ya, probably should address this point at the end of this entry: maybe just in time for me to catch up and learn the Chinese way to better face a Trump era that will probably last well beyond four years.  

Feminism has been effectively dismantled under the continuously malicious attacks from the government and its various hitman agencies. In the mainstream, "feminism" is now mostly used as a flowery decoration to elitism by the "successful". 

Different branches of feminism do still emerge and exist, mainly grassroots and underground. How you associate yourself with the various social classes of women and their different calling for more equality is a thing. People's eyes will be on you when you make a choice!

What the pressure?!  

But then, that has always been the Chinese or Eastern societies, no? You can't just comfortably seclude into your own world without norms and rules; people want to know which side you pick! I mean, if you are an intellectual who writes and shares your thoughts with the public.

It's not that I haven't asked myself this question: Am I really a feminist? Or let's phrase it more accurately: Do my world views on specific topics or my conditions resulting from my life choices conform to a "true feminist"? I know this sounds wildly absurd, but not only does America have Cancel Culture, but in societies where collectivism is more prominent, Cancel Culture is deep in your blood. There's even no name for it; it's simply the fundamental way of life! 

Nevertheless, that's a good question: Where am I? Am I truly a feminist? 

Publicly, I am a happily married woman who conforms to monogamy, a full-time mom in a lot of aspects, and financially dependent. I don't think I could fit in the description of a feminist, even living here in America!

And I have avoided going deep on it this whole time! 

It is hard, any advancement or progress on this path is hard, even just the discussions. I remember how much resistance and rejection were there when I first brought about the debate about monogamy and polyamory to Leena. Even now, I don't really have a clear idea of this. 

When 2024 we traveled to Mexico together, Leena was adamant that monogamy was a fruit of women's fight for equality since "polygamous (one husband with multiple wives) traditions were much more harmful". 

I guess we didn't know anything about the surging development of a polyamory world, which is driven by the feminist movement in a way or the forefront ideals of the world's most renowned feminists. 

How did we know?

Did I betray the ideals of feminism by getting married to one man, willingly having his children, and enjoying the company - oftentimes "exploitation"- of men? Am I not a worthy feminist who is still now (willingly or unwillingly) stuck in this very un-feminist situation? Does a hip but conventional mother count as a feminist?

I do question myself often, afraid that I am not feminist enough, or at all. But I am also aware that the doubting itself is very un-feminist. 

I think one day I should just make peace with it: no matter what situation I'm in today, a true feminist should be more like an ally? Ally of the underrepresented, underprivileged, voiceless, and powerless. Those we want to collect under our wings do not need to be only women, but the whole LGBTQ community counts! Anybody could take the role of a feminist, all that matters is how you perceive it. 

And that's that, then!

(See, I need to write the words out to clear my mind! That's just how my mind works...)

Misogyny as Plato and Aristotle set the tone

The foundation of Western philosophy is misogynous and colonialistic. And this is the world we are living in today through the invasion and dominance of Christianity and colonization. Modern political structures, societal norms, science, and technology are all under this framework. It is the mainstream, whereas Indigenous cultures and values have all been diminished and sidelined, mostly annihilated and dismantled. 

Don't ask me why am I, respect stoicism from a distance, only keen to read Nietzsche. There will be too much to unlearn if I ever get too close. Even though our lives are thoroughly soaked in their ideologies since birth, through the long-lasting effect of colonization and the spread of Christianity.  

Aristotle was firmly convinced that a woman was, in fact, an incomplete or mutilated man. He saw the male as the ultimate realization of humanity and the female as necessarily inferior.

Aristotle believed women were inferior to men. For example, in his work Politics (1254b13–14), Aristotle states, "As regards the sexes, the male is by nature superior and the female inferior, the male ruler and the female subject."  In Politics 1.12 he wrote, "The slave is wholly lacking the deliberative element; the female has it but it lacks authority; the child has it but it is incomplete".

Cynthia Freeland wrote: "Aristotle says that the courage of a man lies in commanding, a woman's lies in obeying; that 'matter yearns for form, as the female for the male and the ugly for the beautiful'; that women have fewer teeth than men; that a female is an incomplete male or 'as it were, a deformity'."  

Aristotle believed that men and women naturally differed both physically and mentally. He claimed that women are "more mischievous, less simple, more impulsive... more compassionate... more easily moved to tears... more jealous, more querulous, more apt to scold and to strike... more prone to despondency and less hopeful... more void of shame or self-respect, more false of speech, more deceptive, of more retentive memory [and]... also more wakeful; more shrinking [and] more difficult to rouse to action" than men. 

He wrote that only fair-skinned women, not darker-skinned women, had a sexual discharge and climaxed. He also believed this discharge could be increased by eating of pungent foods. Aristotle thought a woman's sexual discharge was akin to that of an infertile or amputated male. He concluded that both sexes contributed to the material of generation, but that the female's contribution was in her discharge (as in a male's) rather than within the ovary. 

Aristotle explains how and why the association between man and woman takes on a hierarchical character by commenting on male rule over 'barbarians', or non-Greeks. " By nature, the female has been distinguished from the slave. For nature makes nothing in the manner that the coppersmiths make the Delphic knife – that is, frugally – but, rather, it makes each thing for one purpose. For each thing would do its work most nobly if it had one task rather than many. Among the barbarians the female and the slave have the same status. This is because there are no natural rulers among them but, rather, the association among them is between male and female slave. On account of this, the poets say that 'it is fitting that Greeks rule barbarians', as the barbarian and the slave are by nature the same." 

While Aristotle reduced women's roles in society, and promoted the idea that women should receive less food and nourishment than males, he also criticised the results: a woman, he thought, was then more compassionate, more opinionated, more apt to scold and to strike. He stated that women are more prone to despondency, more void of shame or self-respect, more false of speech, more deceptive, and of having a better memory.

Plato in Timaeus (90e) claims that men who were cowards and were lazy throughout their life shall be reborn as women and in the Laws(781b), he offers his reasons why women should be educated: "Because you neglected this sex, you gradually lost control of a great many things which would be in a far better state today if they had been regulated by law. A woman's natural potential for virtue is inferior to a man's, so she's proportionately a greater danger, perhaps even twice as great." Plato further establishes his opinion on the inferiority of women's "natural potential" by claiming in Republic (455d) that "Women share by nature in every way of life just as men do, but in all of them women are weaker than men." 

Plato appears to use the term "womanish" or "female-like" as an derogatory term implying inferiority and emotional instability, as this is clear from Republic (469d and 605e), amongst others.

Plato discusses this matter with more detail in Timaeus, where he states that men have a superior soul to women (42a): "Humans have a twofold nature, the superior kind should be such as would from then on be called 'man'. He added, once again, that men who led bad lives shall be reborn as women (42b): "And if a person lived a good life throughout the due course of his time, he would at the end return to his dwelling place in his companion star, to live a life of happiness that agreed with his character. But if he failed in this, he would be born a second time, now as a woman." 

The influence of  Aristotelian biology on Christian theology can hardly be underestimated. Aristotle’s biology gave “scientific expression” to the basic patriarchal assumption that the male is the normative and representative expression of the human species and the female is not only secondary and auxiliary to the male but lacks full human status in physical strength, moral self control, and mental capacity. The lesser “nature” thus confirms the female’s subjugation to the male as her “natural” place in the universe. (1985:65)

Yen (2003:1) argues that Plato’s theory on the creation of humankind, where souls were originally implanted in male bodies and given volition, sensation and emotion, paved the way for gender inequality. For Kasubhai (1996:37, 47), the placement of the creation of women in concurrence with the creation of birds, mammals, reptiles and fish is an indication of Plato’s negative views on women. 

 

Next 4 years

 

Painkillers

Been living off painkillers for a week now... Thank heavens for modern medicine. Without it, I think I would have already died during childbirth; even if I had survived, the rest of my life would have been suffering from chronic pain. Or maybe you don't call it chronic pain in my case, but either way, endless suffering. Maybe I would not have survived during childhood! Who knows!

I think this round of pain was fundamentally triggered by herbal tea. Obviously, I miss drinking tea, and I miss it to death. It's been there in my life for as long as I can remember. But since 5 years ago, my stomach started to react to it, I abstain from tea, coffee, and anything that causes acidity. "You should try herbal!" Raj had been nagging me about drinking herbal. Men always think what they believe is absolute correctness, despite your objections based on your own experiences and feelings. 

He had gotten into my head so much, even deep down, I knew my stomach actually reacts to herbal (tea bag) too, I started drinking it one day. Don't get me wrong, I literally fought with Raj constantly, telling him I knew I couldn't take herbal and begging him not to bother with it. But how much of such swinging and persuasion could I endure? In such a triviality of matter, I usually give no thought. One day, my mind finally shut down, and I started believing what he was telling me. A typical life story of mine. Why do women ever want to live with men? I am forever puzzled. 

For an entire week, I was down with severe stomach pain, and since then, my lining has not bounced back. This week, it was just all the things, perhaps the Indian food, which was a little chilly and had too many other spices; perhaps the gin mixed with citrus concentrate; perhaps the lemon pickle S homemade with a unique recipe... My stomach gave up and on the brink of an explosion. Literally, anything caused me severe pain. Thought maybe it was over after three days, but something else would trigger it one day later. Maybe the soup of Pho even! 

Right now, I am all alone taking care of the kids, all I can do is pop pills in the car and stay away from any food. But I need food in my stomach to blend with painkillers! Now, I also wish there were food pills for humans who dislike dining because eating causes so much trouble! But if you take those unnatural pills for months or years, your stomach must be in complete disarray and full of ulcers! Arrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! 

Will never forget how I was in unbearable pain this morning because the effect of the painkiller hadn't kicked in yet, but driving back and forth to the fencing studio for an entire hour, that fast too, to catch up with time. The pain subsided by the end, and I immediately got out of the car to watch my kids' competitions... A typical mother's life -- forever mixed with pain and blood...

Letter to my daughter when she is eight

My beloved daughter, 

I can't believe you are eight years old now! You are such a force of positive energy! Whenever mama thinks about you, the image of you hopping and jumping with an ear-to-ear smile on your face enters my mind. You are a powerful sun ray that can pierce through thick, gloomy clouds; you brighten the lives of everyone around you.  

You have a heart of gold. You are compassionate, understanding, and gentle. You are a great companion to people; you feel what people feel and are almost always considerate towards others. You are also the protector of all animals; you connect with all animals and care for them. Your favorite are dogs; you have been begging us to get you a puppy since you started speaking at two years old. 

Every night, you remind mama at least ten times to put out cat food for Jiji, the stray cat we couldn't adopt, but our neighbors did. Because Jiji came to our house first to seek refugee, we consider him "ours" and would love to pamper him with some treats in the garden. That might have caused him to be slightly overweight because our sweet neighbors care for him well. Hence, we switched to a "weight control" brand of cat food and reduced the amount of our secret treats for him. 

You struck a deal with us to get a puppy on your 10th birthday, under the condition of excelling in maths, reading, coding, and fencing. You are on track to realize the terms of the deal and will eventually succeed in honoring the agreement. We are all so proud of you!

Talking about being proud, mama is so very proud today watching you win most of the fights on the fencing field with your classmates. You are naturally built to excel in fencing; you have lightning-fast reflexes and an incredibly agile mind; You understand complex strategies and are confident to use them; your body is compact, flexible, with surprising strength; but most importantly, you have genuinely put in work and improved significantly since the past year. 

Whenever I check in with your coaches, lovely Coach Bogdan and Ilya from Ukraine, they have great words about your potential and praise your efforts. Mama hopes you continue to make a great effort to learn to fence, be more focused and disciplined, and one day win in regional and national competitions. 

I am delighted you have found and are sticking to your favorite sport after trying out Taekwondo, gymnastics, horse riding, skiing, and swimming for years. You are a talented athlete and active person; I'm sure you will enjoy recreational skiing, swimming, and horse riding throughout your lifetime.  

Last year, we both experienced great excitement cheering for Kamala Harris when she was fighting the presidential election in America, remember? Mama has never taken down the signs of her name from your window and wall of your bedroom, mama's laptop, and Tesla, too. It will remain one of the most cherished memories of your childhood when a brave and accomplished woman who looked exactly like you fought to protect this country, freedom, and democracy. 

Remember the birth dream I had when you were residing inside mama's belly? Mama has a surreal sense that what I saw in that dream is happening now - the world is being ravaged by a gang of giant snakes. And remember the ending of the dream? You are the breathtaking black female snake who will save our forest. Mama can't predict the future, but I can put seeds in your heart, seeds of compassion, confidence, and love. 

No matter what you choose to do in the future, you can choose whatever you want by the way, remember to root yourself in the ground, deep and wide. And the ground comprises Mother Earth that gave birth to you, the voiceless and powerless people who desperately need your help, and the wise voices from human's past. Mama has unwavering faith that you will help make this world a better place, kinder and more tolerant, full of love but not hatred. 

Mama is deeply sorry that I was not capable of changing the world for you, and you still need to face gender and racial discrimination growing up. But hey, we are strong girls and women right? Making the world a better place for the billions of girls and women around the globe is not going to be a task of one generation. I will never stop fighting for it and stand by your side when you are big enough to fight. 

Yes, generally speaking, girls and women are born smaller physically, but our brains are as big as boys' and men's, as fast as well. Whatever they can use their brains to do, we surely can. The truth is women have been put down for thousands of years in past human history; we have lost the sense of how powerful we actually are. Why do we compare to men's achievements? Isn't our current world built by them and filled with constant conflicts, wars, chaos, and self-destruction? We have got to jump out of the box when it comes to reimagining a better world, a world profoundly connected by respect, understanding, and love. Love is what our brains and hearts are most renowned for, and we shall be brave enough to reclaim the space for it in this world and heal it.   

My beautiful daughter, mama is so thrilled that I have brought you here with us. With your enthusiasm and optimism, your endurance and perseverance, and your infinite ability to love and care, you will make a difference in many people's lives.  

Mama is proud of you and loves you forever and ever!

Love, Mama

2025.2.22