Fine October days in California

 

And I found a third girl to add to the crazy duo of Leena and me. Surprisingly, she is in the same level of craziness, that happens only once in a million. 

I thought Leena and I finding each other was a total abnormality, it was through Raj obviously. Now a third one to join the gang... 

We've known them for a few months now. They are neighbors within walking distance, and both boys, Shiva and her stepson, are in the same class. They are deep in the tech startup world, and now their own Indian restaurant chain is expanding, hopefully with the help of Raj's venture. The four kids love each other and have had so many sleepovers already for the past few months. 

The contemporary and rather recent suppression derived from Abrahamic religions has been putting chains on Indian women and oppressing them brutally. With India's core culture being open due to polytheism, the ones who are brave enough to break the chains, soar especially high. Then among the free, the ones who had the temperament, stamina, and agility to take it to our level were outrageously rare. Yet we have three now. 

Not my place

I have thought about it, hard, with the help of Sandra. I rarely pre-meditate, rarely, always a throwing-the-bag-over-the-fence-first kind of person. But I thought about it under all hypothetical circumstances and I concluded that I can't and shouldn't do it. 

It will be a dilemma I'm going to face at every step and I will never choose to take something away from someone. If it's not mine to take, I will never.

I will never take away someone's happiness of having a family, a sweet wife, some children, the ecstasy of being a father.

I've had my time, my life, and my children. It's not fair that I insert myself into others' lives and take the risk of knocking them off the track to beautiful possibilities, even if it's just a risk. 

At this point of my journey, after experimenting with a bunch of stuff, I came back fixating my mind on connection and love, like who I have been my entire life.

Heartbeats, butterflies, daydreaming, how I long for it but I can live without. Yes, I can live without. 

The dilemma? Keep looking for possibilities of love but eventually endanger others' lives because of my pursuit. 

Maybe some people in this world are simply not lucky enough to be in the position of such pursuit. 

So ya, I believe, I can't and shouldn't allow myself to fall in any way. 

Parents Are Here!!!

I work too fast. My prof must be very happy to see how much I can come up with, whenever I get time to work. Once I turn on my engine I'm all powered up, pages of pages getting done, a lot of them critical pieces that were well done and attracted quite a lot of attention recently. Prof was happy. 

I work so fast that I have to take breaks for my brain in between, cooling it down so it won't burn. Since Kitty Kitty (my daughter gave him the name) came to our house, I've been indulging in cat videos on social media. And they are the perfect breaks for me. I would laugh so hard watching them. 

For quite a few months, it was all that verification, vibe checking, chatting, and organizing online, what an experience, so much stuff I've seen and lived. Good life experience, but now I am over it, not going to be engaged in any of the activities that require pre-acquaintance, but on-spot parties are planned for the Halloween season! 

Then I spent quite some time helping Y set up stuff too, it was interesting from my side and quite a successful mission too. Not going to continue because I am not Y's nanny, Y should be able to do Yself if Y wants. 

Now suddenly, I am quite free with my hands and my parents came. Before they arrived, my time was still segmented by various chores, cooking, cleaning, arranging clothes, buying groceries, and sending kids to horse riding, fencing, and music lessons. I didn't find myself read or write properly. I just can't. If I don't have the leisure to be left alone for 5 hours straight, I won't be able to continue my novel writing. I did some work work but difficult to finish entire projects. That's why it's so much harder for young mothers to achieve anything in life, besides raising their children. 

But I am blessed with my parents, an army by itself. They literally took over all the chores in the house, including picking up kids and dropping them off for after-school lessons. 

Whenever I encounter sci-fi stories, I would think about my own story that I have been brewing in my consciousness. "My story is so unique! You don't see much from that angle, do you? Gosh, how I wish I get the chuck of time to write it out!" I'd always scream into my mind.  

Can I do it? Can I start back again in writing my sci-fi novel since now my parents are here for five months? I don't know. It requires a lot of self-discipline and time away from home. From now Mondays through Thursdays I can stay out and do my own things, hence I should portion my time on work work and writing. Maybe whenever I feel like writing, I should leave the office and go to a cafe in Berkeley. 

I'm just so thrilled that my parents are here to help! I finished so much work work today and read properly on the BART back home! Oh how much I love reading and writing! 

Convo with husband

...

"Isn't it beautiful, seeing people like that falling in love? Well, at least that's what I understood as an outsider. I am quite envious of that actually. Not envy envy, but ya, you know what I mean."

"Ya, so you want to fall in love too?"

"Obviously, there are always different kinds of love. And being in love feels good, no? We played around so much, and it stopped being exciting for me after the novelty weaned off. Of course, we will continue to figure out new ways to play and we are the best partners in crime. But ya, I like my mind constantly occupied by something tender yet powerful, endless creativity, like some kind of love thingy."

"You have anyone in mind?"

"Nope, no specifics. Never did anyone walk up to me and ask me to try. Just a feeling watching the others."

"It's because men are afraid that you're gonna send them to prison! I'm pretty sure all men would want to be close to you if they could, you are just too hot! Well, you know I love you and I'll say yes to anything. Human beings are supposed to be free to converse, like, have sex, and fall in love with people that surround them, throughout their lifetime. So if you happen to experience that, let me know, just make sure you are back to me every night."

"Lol! Look who is so quick to set up specifics! 'Every night coming back to me', what, you think I am a cat?"

"Ya, every night before 1 and no more than once a month!"

"LOL! That's so funny...Who said I am ever gonna do something like that? I think the maximum I would do is to drag you along with me! I simply don't know, never thought about it! Lol!"

"Well, that would be nice too, hahaha! The main thing is, I do not want you to feel regret when you are 60. I do not want you to say that you missed that guy or this guy because of me. You can give hints to the guys you like and start dating."

"That's so open-minded and generous of you, lol! The problem is, I have absolutely no idea how to give hints or things like that, I never needed to make any move my whole life because there has always been a long line of guys ready for me... I am not even sure if I would understand hints from people because guys who want me the most have always been straightforward and they let me know verbally, well, I'm definitely good at saying no and sorry though..."

"Haha, I know! Well, that works perfectly fine for me too! Haha!"

My way

For 5 minutes on the way home from the airport, my mom was crying while telling me, grandma waited to see me till her last breath. I didn't reply to her, just handed her some tissues. I have gone through the sorrow over and over again, and I do not know how to react to it anymore. My mom was not blaming me, she knew. I believed my Popo understood and forgave me too. Her whole life, she has been positive, adaptive, and open-minded despite the hardship.

At this point, it's all about how I choose the path forward. For the past few months, I have often chosen sorrow and guilt. I have been constantly mapping out different scenarios and possibilities. I often hear a voice in my head asking, "Did you even realize that it's your entire early life that you were blocking yourself out?"

How I wish I could carry them along with me, my family and friends, my childhood and sweet memories, my city and culture, myself, that vulnerable and innocent young self. But tens of thousands even millions Chinese like me, do not have the leisure, on the path of exile and self-exile.

If I could go back in time, I know I'd still say those words I said because they were true and kind, I know I'd still put my heart out there trying as much as I can to warn them, yes, freedom is hard but freedom is good, you can't thrive without it, not in the long run.

I guess there was not ever going to be a different path for me, I chose it a long long time ago. All I am left to choose is how happy and free I continue to live my life.

And yes, I got my grandma's blood, I am that forever undefeatable wild cat with 10 lives!

"Red Bean" by Faye Wong

 

I have not yet carefully savoured

 The weather that the snowflakes cast 

As we're trembling together 

We will better understand what warmth is 

 I have not yet, holding hands with you

Walked through wild desert 

Perhaps from then on 

I will learn to appreciate eternity 

 Sometimes, sometimes 

I will believe that everything has an end 

Getting together and getting apart each has its time 

There's nothing that can last forever 

 But I, sometimes 

Will choose to linger and hold on 

Until the time when we have seen through all the sceneries 

Perhaps you will watch the everflowing stream with me 

 I have not yet cooked red bean for you 

Into an agonizing open wound 

And afterwards share the taste 

Then we will understand better the anguish of yearning 

 I have not yet carefully savoured 

The warmth of kissing while awake 

Maybe it is only when you're at my side 

That you'll pursue the lonely freedom

 Sometimes, sometimes 

I will believe that everything has an end 

Getting together and getting apart each has its time 

There's nothing that can last forever 

 But I, sometimes 

Will choose to linger and hold on 

Until the time when we have seen through all the sceneries 

Perhaps you will watch the everflowing stream with me 

Fly

Haven't been feeling well with my body since that time when Mr. OBGYN poked so hard inside my uterus. Nonstop bleeding for weeks, then the new IUD triggered continuous spotting and bleeding, up to today. My entire mood has been down.

Husband insisted that once things got back to normal physically, I'll feel fine again. Not sure about that, I just don't feel like meeting anybody or doing anything. Maybe I finally found an excuse to stay radio silent and not feel bad about it. 

I do need a break, mentally. This year has been tough. Popo passed away, I still think about her very often, and I still carry the weight of that immense guilt of not meeting her for five years. My parents are coming next week, that would be our first meeting after popo died. 

On top of it, I need sparks, I need exchanges, I need to feel the heat. Other than that, all are very much meaningless. 

I am open to it though, never felt the obligation to close my door. 

I long for the gazes, shy but trying hard to be confident, composed but unable to contain, articulated but raw.

But I never practiced my skills, never needed to, so I just grabbed all chances to avoid looking that way. 

The ultimate scene for me would be my face held in the hand, slightly turned, with direct eye contact, and demanded, "Would you please look me in the eyes!" Who knows, I'm such a submissive, in every way. 

It's so easy for me, to do what we have been doing. Now I have become the queen, I instantly lost the appetite for maintaining any subject. 

But that kind of longing is rare, I don't think I could ever not kneel to it. 

Husband knows what he's dealing with so he freed himself up long before I had the remotest idea of what life would be like today. He sewed my wings back, the wings which were once chopped down by society, and opened my cage door.      

I haven't been flying though, even with my wings all muscled up. 

If I ever would fly, I would be in a fleet, together with the ones who desire to be wing-to-wing with me.