No. 2 of my vegetarian journey diary

Jan 2nd through 7th, no meat intake at all. Jan 8th dinner, no other food other than my mom's homemade pork dumplings, ate 4 or 5. Basically the same pattern throughout this month, my first month of becoming a vegetarian, or you can call it, a semi-vegetarian.

I didn't tell my parents. It will break their hearts, so I'm not ready, and never will be ready to come out of the closet. Well, if I love women or I believe I'm a boy stuck in a girl's body, I would collect the courage to break out to them though, because that's my whole life. 

Food? We just get by each day somehow.

For most of the days, I was able to sneak around, sitting in front of a whole table of food, nobody realized I was not taking any meat.

A very easy eater I am, I like everything and I eat anything. Although I like meat, never had any special attachment to it. Was all just a habit, the way I grew up and whatever was easier to get protein. 

So when I have a whole table of meat, all kinds of them, it's not too difficult to train my brain to only go for the vegetables. 

Raj was advising me to reduce the meat consumption first, maybe only seafood, no pork or chicken. Then gradually reduce to zero. 

Naa, I do not need that process. From day one, I can cut it to zero. 

Therefore for most of January, when no one is watching, I haven't touched any meat.  

The only difficult thing right now is that I'm not in control of the kitchen. My mom would prepare special food for Raj, vegetarian meals. But since my parents don't know, I still eat with them and the kids. 

The good thing is in the Chinese diet, there are a lot of vegetables. Especially when my mom cooks, she cooks 5 types of vegetables and 3 types of meat in each and every meal! 

Somedays I just picked out the vegetables that were cooked together with the pork or chicken. For example, the radish pieces in pork bone soup. 

For me, it's really only about what I believe and what I want. I don't feel disgusted by the scene, the smell or the taste of meat. I don't mind my vegetables are "contagious" because they are touched by the meat and the "dirty oil". 

For whatever I do, it's solely the result of my own choice and willpower. And I am extremely proud of that. 

I guess when I regain control of my kitchen, I will prepare Raj and my meals together, vegetarian. And bake some chicken or fish for the kids on the side. Easy protein when they are growing immensely.

Simple food, happy life. 

The crazy thing is, now a month has passed since I have made up my mind, I found myself starting to encounter mystical moments of living through the pain of animals. Each time a brief seconds, randomly during the day or night. No triggering events, no special sceneries. 

Out of nowhere, I suddenly feel this intense sadness for the piggies that were killed. Questions gushing out of my mind: was she someone's baby or mommy? Did she cry when she was butchered? Was he in despair and hatred right before his death? What kind of emotions she had when she was alive? Was he smart like a 2-year-old human baby? 

It's almost making me cry. And taking me back into the horrifying memories when neighbors of my grandparents butchering their pigs for the festival feasts and special occasions like weddings, funerals, moving houses or birthdays. Or just every other weekend, some to sell some to eat, when people got a little more money in hand.

My grandparents used to have a house in the suburban area, a lot of neighbors have their own pigpen in the backyard. [Later that whole neighborhood was taken back by the city to make malls and highways, residents kicked out, houses demolished. Individual households don't have the ownership of land, the CCP has. ]

The screams of them. The screams of them. The screams of them.

It was a very common noise, we grew up hearing that on a daily basis. 

I do think there's no fixed pattern of events to psychological effects on children. An abandoned child could turn out to be so strong and sorted out. It's either make or break. Or maybe general speaking, it should be a break, but for the stubborn some, it won't break but make, no matter how much you try.

I hope I got that resilience. And I pray to the million goddesses and gods that my children also got that resilience in their blood.

Anyways, maybe after two more months, I will have to go through therapies to control my emotions....

No. 1 of my turning-a-vegetarian diary

The first day of 2022, on my 37th birthday, I made the decision. Ah, the fuck with birthdays, who want to celebrate birthdays anymore except the young? Made the decision because I had enough of it. 

I tried to ask myself over and over again: "You wanna do this just to get back to them?" The answer always came back: "No. I know I'm in rage right now, however, it's not about getting back, but finally setting myself free."

All I've been doing, my whole life, is trying to please everyone. I didn't want to hurt their feelings by declaring I didn't want to have anything to do with killing animals anymore. Because for them, all that is allowed in life is eating, no religion, no tradition, no discussion. And the best of eating? Animals, the rarer the better, the more "protected" the better.

"It's all your fault!" "You wrote that!" "You wrote this!" "There are more than a billion people in China, why they don't abuse the others? Only you?" "Because it's all your fault!"

Ya, I went down with it. Because no one, ever, expressed any sympathy for me, from that whole family. Only blaming. And the blaming went very far, from my choice of marrying an Indian, to my choice of studying abroad, from my choice of speaking up for social matters, to my choice of voicing them on social media platforms. And yes, I got to the bottom of it.

If you are so aligned with ccp after all that happened and still don't believe a dime in basic human rights and fundamental values, even seeing your own daughter('s name) crashed under massive internet violence and nationwide defamation, even went through Cultural Revolution style of persecution yourselves and thought about committing suicide. What can I say to you? "Well, then, if that's your ultimate choice of society, why do you blame it on me? Do we have persecution here in America?! My life has nothing to do with it. And I object to all those ridiculous allegations when they pick out a line of my random status update or chitchat on social media, ten years ago, on some irrelevant social events, accusing me of 'betraying China'". "Fuck China. 'You can talk about India but why you have to compare it with China?' 'Well, then why in your news when they say China has not even a single person died from COVID, why do they always compare with America? 500k, 600k, Americans are all in hell! China is the safest country in the whole universe! Only you can compare I can't? How double-standard that is??' " 

So ya, here I am now, free from all that made-up guilt imposed by authoritarianism-mixed-with-extremism-cult-like parenting on me for 37 years which was spread like stage-4 cancer by the regime because it is the core of that regime. Never any respect, hardly any understanding, neither between authority and commoners nor among family members.  

After all these years' struggle, including a near depression experience, landed safe and sound on my 37th birthday, I decided that I had enough of it. 

At last, I have the strength to be myself. "I told you from day one right? Why you have to apologize to anyone? You did nothing wrong." "Luckily you were somehow very sheltered from your society, I found you extremely pure from the beginning, guess not many people at all are like you." God bless my husband who keeps me sane. 

Ok, being myself right? The first thing I pick up? Stop killing animals! Well, the most burning desire for me is to stop using plastics, but it's kinda impossible because of the world we ended up living in. You can imagine how I feel whenever I add some more plastic waste to Earth in my journey here. I try to numb myself nowadays so as to close my eyes and ears in my mind each time when more of it is created by me.

And yes, rumor has it right, the Chinese (well, not all) are obsessed with eating animals and the different parts and organs of them.  

I begged and begged, in spite of knowing the unavoidable tragedy. They killed him, the little dog who was always chained up in the front yard of my grandma's house. From Monday to Friday I was desperately waiting to meet on the weekend that little guy who I considered my own. I pretended to take pork, chicken and fish for myself but they all ended up on his little plate secretly. His best moment was when I freed him from his iron chains so he could jump on me. I didn't get to spend that many months' weekends with him because he quickly grew big enough to be food on the table. 

That was one of the darkest days of my childhood, amongst the other darkest days. I begged and begged and begged but nobody looked at me, nobody heard me. I refused to go to my grandma's house for that whole weekend so I was locked up in the apartment all by myself. I refused to eat anything but was afraid of being punished, as well as famished so I gave in to the dinner they brought back, at least they knew to not bring my baby to me in a bowl. I cried and cried and cried until there was no tear left, but nobody saw it, nobody knew. I still cry today.

Yup, this is why all my memories are blurred and I'm so comfortable with cursing words. And fuck with the pets, well, until my children are now obsessed with them, let's see...

The concept of vegetarianism was very alien to me initially, so as to all the Chinese under ccp. I can't remember how many fights between my mom and I were ignited by the fact that my husband doesn't like to eat meat. At least 5 to 8 years I would say, until they stop adding scorn, an easy dismissal, in their tone when it came to my husband's choice of diet. Cause they finally kinda accepted it, as long as he can make money right? "But it's just him but him, his whole family eats meat, they are the warriors." That was me trying to please them. 

Over the years I got more and more familiar with it, got more used to it. My husband, my dear mother-in-law, my understanding about fasting, many of our Indian friends and their family, most of them tall and big. Then one day the idea of myself doing it came into my mind. It was just a tiny seed, I was not sure if it would ever sprout. Also thanks to all the non-Indian friends who suddenly turned into a vegetarian. "Oh wow, is it a fashion thing? A new lifestyle?" 

Then Noah's brother, the first non-Asian white, declared to be one, out of health benefits since he is a doctor. That was a very good surprise. Wait, was Albon a vegetarian? I can't even remember it clearly. He was all about Chinese culture and nowadays yoga and yogi. Now that I think, he was a vegetarian! With all that knowledge he shared with me about all kinds of bean products and tofus! How I wish my friends from my 20s stayed with me close by...

And then Rohan, the almost-5-year old made up his mind to stop hurting animals. "Mommy, if I don't eat the fish and put it back into the ocean, will it start swimming again?" After at least two months' consideration, one day he came back home and announced: "Yes Mommy, from today, I will stop hurting any animals. I do like the taste of meat though, but I don't want to hurt them."

"Can't you have as much respect to me as Rohan's mom to her 5-year-old son? I am 37 years old! " This line I rephrased over and over again in my mind, still don't know if I would use it while coming out of the closet or just hide there forever, trying to avoid being spotted. 

At least nothing is there to stop me now, at least.