My heart bleeds

I am not doing well. 

I don't understand why there is so much suffering in this world. 

I can't bear to live in such a world. 

I thought I escaped all that brutality by leaving China, but the truth is, escaping humanity's inhumanity is pure quixotism.

Am I the one who's gone mad, or is the world? 

Am I really existing, or is all this just a nightmare from which I could wake up?

Why does everybody act so normal as if none of them saw or heard a thing? As if nothing had happened?

Why do people fail to respond to children's cries for help? How can people allow the powerful to conduct such atrocities against children? 

How small people's minds are? How dark people's hearts can be?

Is this how it unfolds -- people, as a whole, gradually getting numb and falling into the abyss of authoritarianism and totalitarianism's coldness and cruelty? 

Or we, as people, never really had power?

Even when we were granted a certain level of power, we were too weak, ignorant, and deceived to accept and use it? Or did we take it for granted?

People are so selfish and short-sighted that they just couldn't see past the distractions and delusions in front of their eyes, and again and again fall into the same trap?

Most people do live in their tiny, dark, and lonely boxes without sunlight, don't they?

If I allow myself to be exposed to all the menacing crimes against the innocent children around the globe, how am I able to continue living? 

It takes a lot of courage to face the truth, that's why most of us choose to be small and weak, cold and distant, and choose to turn our heads away and shut our eyes?

Why is humanity always, always filled with slaughters, conquests, and oppressions? 

Endless atrocities — wars, genocides, extermination, eradication, and subjugation of entire peoples, they might pause for a while, but they will never leave us, will they?

Each powerful man has the potential to turn into a monstrous slaughtering machine, even with the whole world's helpless eyes on them?

Each society, no matter where it came from — even a high ground with absolute openness and freedom — could fall into darkness in a single night. It happened again, it will keep happening, isn't it?

What is wrong with us?

What is wrong with us???

The beacon

Parents, especially my mom, were excited to break the news to me: "We earned some money in the stock market; we'll tell you the details in the video call!" they hinted. I was unavailable for two days, and finally, they managed to get hold of me. 

"I thought you guys promised to never step into the Chinese stock market again?" "We got some special intel and stormed in and out in one day and earned a bunch." "Oh, I see. People will be thrown in jail in America. It's called insider trading." "What?! No, we are not doing anything illegal." My mom defended herself. "China too, it's illegal, I know." My dad knew, "Now I know why retail investors are the meat in the Chinese stock market, doomed to be sucked dry." He added. 

"I've been warning you two about this for how many years now? Ten? Maybe longer? There is no rule of law in China, not at all in the capital market; it's filled with insider trading, government-business collusion, corruption, and all kinds of illegal practices you can ever imagine. Who makes money? The bigger muscles that have the tightest connection to power at all levels. Who falls off the horse? Not the ones who 'break the law', but rather those who get pushed off the grid and executed in a power struggle, not because of any 'rule of law', but because they lose. Whose money do they make from? Retail investors who are brainwashed by government propaganda put in their whole life's blood and sweat, dreaming to gain something, but most definitely would find themselves crushed to powder and bones. Precisely how you lost so much of your own blood and sweat earlier. How many times have I explained this exact thing to you guys by now? Have you listened to me even once? Now that you have firsthandly experienced the fundamental norms in the Chinese capital market, you have tasted what it feels like to be on the side of the real gamers and exploiters, you can finally understand what it means to be a ready-to-be-butchered retail investor?" I won't miss a chance to patronize them, will I? I don't ever want to see them being sucked dry financially and emotionally any more. That's that. 

"No, no, all those politics have nothing to do with my life. My life is only from hand to mouth, I am only an inconsequential ant, and I don't intend to speak of any politics. I just want to live a comfortable life and..." My mom's brainwashed mode was switched on instantly in response to my comment; she went into the "defend the motherland/nation/one party/dear leader at all costs" lane in a mile a minute. 

"Yes, you do need to keep your mouth completely shut about what you did. Don't even talk to me over WeChat calls, as they most likely are monitored and recorded. But considering your position in the potential power struggle, which is entirely non-existent, no power struggle whatsoever on your way, you are reasonably safe. Just don't walk into it even one more step further, and stay the fuck out of all of that. You don't need any of that money!" 

"Okay, we got it." My dad knew what I was talking about. 

The thing is, as I thoroughly understand how China functions, in today's America, when I commented, "You will face legal consequences," I didn't feel the same level of confidence. Why? Because right now this country is ran by wanna-be Nazis and dictators who drool over all that illegal practices to aggregate unlimited amount of resources and consolidate absolute power!

Will America be strong enough to withstand such sudden blows? It is my constant struggle, if not fear. I have lived through my entire life, and I know how people can survive any sort of government malfunction. However, I also know how people's hearts and minds can become so twisted that you won't see an inch of light or humanity in them anymore. 

How to keep America's light of hope? How to keep the beacon that is lit inside most of its citizens' hearts by the strong social nest and civil society? How to keep the unshakable sense of dignity, integrity, and rule of law, after one day we shall get through the menacing darkness, once and for all? I believe this should be our number one unending search in such a dark time. 

Don't overestimate yourself, Trump. 

You haven't been a dictator long enough, lol

Shhh...

Wanna know a secret?

Your men all love, love, love our airtight pu**s,

they tremble and tumble at the sight of it.

(men of all colors, actually)

From 3 to 10,

from 15 to 88.

(yes, there are 3s, 

especially common among your kind - obese)

If they told you they didn't,

they were absolutely lying to your face,

in broad daylight.

Or they were not lucky enough to try even once,

cause your kind does fall at the very bottom, very,

even ranked only by appearances.

(we're at the exact opposite tips of the weighing scale, no?)

Who wants anything to do with immobility, right?

No need to mention immobility physically as well as mentally.

And yeaha, we know our worth and value.

lol...

Costa Rica fever

Somehow, the three of us being together really works! We laugh nonstop, and something always feels amusing when we're having a discussion. Ahh, both of the girls are absolutely gorgeous and brilliant, and so strong and independent too! I enjoy them booking everything and ordering everything like bosses, and I'm there tagging along, like a younger sister only for thrill and fun!

I think the highlight for me has to be when I got so high, I can't stop spilling about the imaginary world that we are entirely unfamiliar with. We as women, caged in this man-made world, have no imagination about what a different reality in a parallel universe could be like. I couldn't stop myself! I'd been super excited because both of them are very very intelligent women who truly understand different concepts, such as feminism, communism, colonialism, and polyamory etc, and have decided to be open and on the progressive side of things. I got especially turned on (well, not down there) when they responded to me with a counterargument or agreement on different points. I'd gone over their argument over and over, laying it out, looking for cracks and coming up with new arguments in my mind when we were quietly dancing to the music. 

I was so high, everything felt only 75% at speed for me; I'd been using my loudest voice so I could get my views received; I'd been repeating my points without knowing; I'd been elaborating some corner concepts to a degree that I might derail from my original track of thoughts. They'd been focused intensely for five minutes, then suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter because of how serious I was about all those imaginary things. The live Jazz was dull last night at Local Edition, and we were the only people who came forward to the dance floor. But we didn't dance, we just went there to laugh. 

Oh, how hard we were tripping. 

We were supposed to be in Costa Rica right now. They booked everything, Airbnb, SUV, and our flights too. However, Sangha doesn't have citizenship, and she doesn't want to risk being unable to return. "We would be sent to concentration camps right away when we land in Houston!" "Ya, because by then, we couldn't stop ourselves greeting 'Hola' to anybody that passes us after the beautiful trip. They'd scoop our assses up at the border and throw us inside the concentration camps! Texas? Oh damn, had to the receiving state when we intend to re-enter after Costa Rica..." "Never going to those states anymore, only concentration camps waiting for us lowborn nonwhites, lol..." We three couldn't stop shitting ourselves. 

We still need to go to Costa Rica, it has to be done. We'll wait for the water to be calmer, wait for the cheeto to face some more lawsuits and cut the fuck out a bit. Chill dude, chill, calm the fuck down, you organge fuck of expired soggy cheetos. Irritating piece of obsolete junk who spends tens of millions of taxpayers' hard-earned dollars on nonstop golfing and partying! A bunch of degenerate, filthy, saggy-boned men who have absolutely no control over their greed, ego, lust, and gluttony, hauling in dollars by insider trading, collution and corruption, while bankrupting the whole freaking nation on all fronts from education to social welfare, from environment to foreign relations. For this, I blame the self-brainwashed, immoral and racist rotten souls, each fucking one of them. Oh wait, guess they are being ruthlessly fucked up too. Karma. 

"I have absolutely no respect and no sympathy left for any cheeto supporters. If I know there's one I'm encountering, I would fuck myself out from their sight within a second. I have zero patience left for any of them. It's been fucking Nine years! How fucking retarded they could be??!!" "Naa, it's okay, it's a democracy, people had their reasons to vote for him." "Enough. Stop your patronizing bullshit on me at this moment. I am not preaching to anybody, I am not harming anybody, I only just want to quietly fuck myself off. Please don't interfere with what I feel like doing or not. Leave me be in peace, please." A typical conversation between Raj and me. 

Yup, at this moment, I just want to fuck myself off. Any place in my own mind is a thousand times better than the cheeto-contaminated reality. 

Wait, why I use so many "fuck" today? Got too many hot candies lately? Lol...

We three had fun no matter where, that's the most important, ha!

A good year

This year might very well turn out to be one of the best years. It started with a fabulous fortieth birthday of mine, then getting my American citizenship, then a little turbulence with the inauguration and the new administration, mainly a disturbance to our tranquility, and then Noah's film screening at the SF Indie Film Fest. Fast-forward to April: Lipi got pregnant after years of trying, and on the same day I underwent surgery to remove gallbladder, Noah got the AI research position with a project at UC Berkeley with which he could earn a living as well as enjoy the flexibility of making films, and next week Raj will also finally get his American citizenship. All significant milestones in life. 

I am only enduring, also cherishing, the last few days of abdominal pain that lasted for more than five years of my life. Four surgical knife cuts are an entirely different story from persistent pain that could jump out at any time with any intake of food or liquid. I lived my life in uncertainty and continuously deepened limitations, but I accepted my fate as it was, didn't fuss, didn't complain. I was as happy as always. Now suddenly the dark cloud looming above my head was blown away in one night, and I got to see the sunlight again! Have I ever imagined or expected this? No! I thought I would die with a plain diet, like rice and rice! I would still die happy btw. No expectations of what life brings you are the only way to lead a happy life!

7mm is huge! If a gallstone is more than 5mm, it will most likely be stuck in the duct. I guess when my 7mm was first out in the duct, it was at least 5mm. It has to have been stuck there for a long while by now -- years! Then the 2mm also took its time to come out in the duct, but got stuck behind the 7mm. Getting rid of my gallbladder was such an easy decision; all doctors and surgeons had already made up their minds the moment my latest ultrasound was out, I think. Nobody around me or in my entire extended family has ever done a gallbladder removal surgery, no woman ever approached me and warned me about it, and no doctor or specialist thought that it could be the reason for me, how could I know? How much pain I endured for years. But ya, no fear, never fear, that's just who I am.    

Since Friday, I've been gobbling whatever food was on the table, without hesitation. But after all of this, I've decided to stay healthy, I am going to entirely stay away from smoking and largely limit alcohol consumption. For smoking, I had my time last year, guess I needed that tiny window of freedom, with Sony, a girlfriend. But I am different, I hate the smell of cigarettes, and I was only indulging in the gesture. Now I'm mentally satisfied, I shut the box and walk away. Never physically needed cigarettes in my life ever, anyway. It's especially important for my daughter's sanity and healthy future; her eyes watch keenly, and her brain calculates shrewdly. I have to uphold the fortress for her, with so many menacing evils clawing below.  

Staying healthy also means eating a balanced diet, going to hot yoga, and always being physically active because protesting requires strength. I want to be able to stand in the sun or rain for hours and shout at the top of my lungs. I realized how loud and powerful my voice could be, literally. Both Leena and I are like that. We didn't need a speaker that day in front of Teslerr, but our voices could be heard from the beginning of the SF street to the end. When I exert force with my belly, my voice is full and wide, loud too, an excellent practice for singing. I want to be fit to do the shouting every Saturday: "One-way ticket for Elon to go to Mars!" "Shame on Elon the felon, the richest robbing the poorest!"

It's going to be a good year! 

In this uncertainty

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Back from cruise!

Mother / daughter fucker gone mad. In two days, some friends lost a couple of million, most of us hundreds of thousands. Everybody is cursing in different chat groups. But for us, the damage was expected on the day of the election itself, at least from me. 

Losing in the stock market is the least life-threatening loss. I have nothing to complain about. 

Inflation and whatnot, which are coming soon, will affect most of everyday American life. The consequences of who they voted for are coming. 

All I can do is keep my side of the resistance strong. April 5th in the street!

The cruise was super fun! Basically, I was either sea sick or high or both. 5 mg felt like at least 15 in a rocking ship at the windy sea! I still prefer to roam around in a different country or city, exploring the museums, ruins, and old streets, talking to people in their broken English. But yeah, the cruise was super fun, crew members were from all over the world, and the quality of the shows and entertainment was top-notch. My parents also want to take us cruising someday. 

Paradises in hell

Finding little paradises with different kinds of people

has become a crucial survival skill in today's America.

Leena said she was crying so hard last Friday night,

but then watched a cute cat movie with Noah;

while Raj and I got super high and went to see a live Jazz show at Yoshi's,

That was some experience, we had so much fun...

Every Wednesday with my bandmates is also 

the most cherishable time of the week.

Oh, Wednesday morning with my TK kids too,

I get so many hugs, 

and now the kids have started doing hearts with their arms.

Not sure it should be paradises in hell,

or Trump's hell in my paradise.

Guess it should be Trump's little tiny dark hell that 

somehow found its way into my paradise.

They will vanish soon enough,

at least that's what we hope...

Us last night trying to take a photo for Funk poster

My little solo for "Back Pocket"

Ignorance is bliss

Since my parents left for China, Raj has already done two rounds of dishwashing! That's a record! Two times! Meaning loading the dishwasher up and turning it on. Two times! Usually, he hits that number in a year. Seems like to put men to work, they do need to be scolded. 

Obviously, Raj won't agree that we leave America now. We are just getting citizenship (fingers crossed), and his new startup is doing exceptionally well. However, from all signs, America is not doing well, and the impact will likely be long-term if MAGA rhetoric prevails. By the time our kids are of the age to choose colleges, we most probably need to include colleges in Europe in their searches. 

Trump is rapidly dissolving America's global trade and dollar dominance, as well as the political influence that ensures it. This will mainly come back and hurt America's economy, its people's wallets and purchasing power.  America will drastically lose its global superpower status, which has primarily benefited its people. 

People here lived in such an ignorant bubble, they had no idea how their livelihood was significantly benefited by the global dominance of dollars and how the rest of the world had helplessly envied the power of dollars for decades, since WWII. And that is all going to change, fast. With the economic downturn, investors will first move funds from the stock market to US treasury securities, since the dollar should maintain its reserve currency status in the short term. However, once the recession hits, a new reserve currency or reserve system will emerge, shoulder to shoulder with the dollar first, might eventually replace the dollar, depending on how everything goes. Investors can sniff the scent of money from years before and start to move around their funds. You think they are as dumb and clueless as Trump? Their piercing raven eyes are monitoring Trump administration's each and every movement. Those dumb fucks. The day the money starts to run away is the day of an irreversible decline of America on all fronts. 

Europe is on the way to becoming the new superpower; it has the potential, and now it has the means and will. Euro has the most considerable potential to replace Dollar as the global reserve currency (I mean, the Euro was doing really well for a while, very powerful too. The years I spent Euros, they felt substantial and heavy in my hands. I didn't feel much of a difference transitioning into holding dollars, whilst CCP was making tons of RMB propaganda over the years, even though the RMB was pretty heavy at the time being). China too, by picking up the counterparts with whom America had left to trade -- the EU, Canada, Mexico and South America, Southeast Asia, South Asia, the entirety of Asia actually; Africa was already on China's plate. The withdrawal of military presence and dominance of America around the globe thrusts a sword into America's very own heart. 

America will withdraw to be an inconsequential state that is excluded by the free world, a state that's ruled by authoritarianism, exclusionism, and ignorance. Trump is essentially doing three things to ensure that happens soon: 1. punishing and kicking out immigrants -- to lose human resources, credibility and charm; 2. withdrawing from all global organizations -- to lose dominating influence; 3. ravaging established institutions -- to weaken rules of law and free markets.      

Ten years ago, shortly after Xi came into power, Chinese intellectuals predicted the same outcome for China. What Xi did was to consolidate absolute power by silencing oppositions and deploying loyalists across all institutions. Economically, Xi doesn't believe in the free market and the private sector; he systematically reversed China's half-open market back to primarily state-owned. That resulted in the economy's irreversible long-term fall; COVID was only a trigger. 

We call this "the arrogance of the authority" or "the capriciousness of a dictator". Xi and Trump have the same temperament and are essentially causing the same damage to their countries. They both are obsessed with power, they have no clue how economy works, they don't give a damn about people's prosperity. They arrogantly play around with things they are incompetent to play with; in the end, we ordinary people will have to face the consequences. 

So ya, I will ensure Raj looks into Euro development, and we shall start moving some eggs. 

Don't Obey. Don't Give In. Don't Fear!

The day I stopped fearing what the Chinese regime could do to me,

 was the day I set myself free from the repression.

The day I stopped practicing self-censorship to align with CCP's control,

was the day I found myself a sense of wholeness, without suppression.

What Trump and Elon Musk want is to take away your sense of

security, freedom, and wholeness as individuals and citizens.

Starting from a free society with born-free individuals,

it's heck a lot to achieve, but not entirely impossible.

They will use Fear to enforce Obedience from you.

Putin did it over merely decades.

Don't let them do it to us!

No way back

 

Deep down, I always felt I didn't do enough to be with my people.

Left China when I was still in the brainwashed state,

gradually learned to be a Citizen (other than a Slave) during my time here.

I have never been thrown into jail or locked up in a dark room;

never been interrogated or confronted face to face.

Nobody came out of nowhere and seized me with handcuffs; 

nobody knocked me on the ground and kicked my stomach;

nobody slapped me in public, threw trash on me, and spat on me.

All the above commonly happen to people who fight for others' rights.

Most of them are secretly detained and tortured, 

some losing basic abilities to think and function physically. 

Went inside a whole human being,

came out a less-than-half disabled without words. 

Online violence and bullying, personally, didn't really hurt me

(my parents got hurt pretty bad emotionally, 

partly because of the side they were on).

I don't fantasize about being persecuted; fuck no, I don't!

But I am always always with them,

the killed, the imprisoned, the tortured,

the silenced, the violated, the suppressed,

the censored, the coerced, the exiled.

Now, America is also my responsibility.

There is no specific type or group of people here

who I feel "they are my people."

America means "All Kinds of People, Completely Mixed Up."

America is a concept, an essential concept of hope,

especially when you originated from totalitarianism.

To maintain it requires all citizens to act like they are citizens,

but not slaves who kneel and beg. 

The least I could do here is to speak up, openly and publicly.

Nothing, nothing is going to scare me from doing that.

I have no fear left for the Chinese totalitarian regime and Xi dictatorship;

do you think I have a tiny bit of fear for DT or EM in my blood?

Fuck No!

I never kneel, I never beg.

Haven't ever done that before;

don't expect me to ever do that in the future.

I will never back down out of fear.

I have no fear.

Trump and Mao - how far is America from "Cultural Revolution"?

Professor Emeritus at EHESS-Paris and Adjunct Professor at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, specializing in the Chinese Cultural Revolution, Michel Bonnin, compared Trump and Mao; he summarized the similarities between Trump's "revolution" and Mao's Cultural Revolution in the article "Can Today’s American people learn something from the Chinese Cultural Revolution?":

In his article, he didn't mention how Mao and Trump both couldn't care less about the economies: Mao didn't care about the economic growth and welfare of the Chinese people - Great Leap Forward caused the collapse of the economy, within 3 years, 40 million Chinese people died of hunger, suicide, and other unnatural deaths; during the 10 years of Cultural Revolution, Mao never cared about the economy, but only the political and ideological struggles, thus the whole country was in extreme poverty and instability; whereas Trump proclaims "America First", but his policies are shortsighted and destructive for the American economy: tariff and trade wars only lead to chaos in the supply chain, causing inflation and potential recession; Trump cuts social benefits to middle and lower classes, making their life harder; Trump has absolutely no interest and knowledge about America's long-term fiscal stability, America's fiscal deficits increased significantly since Trump's inauguration.

Another significant similarity between Trump and Mao is that they both demand absolute political loyalty, which is their number one priority. For Mao, whoever evoked any tint of suspicion ended up as a dead corpse in the ditch; for Trump, he ravaged the established political and industrial structures so to consolidate absolute, unrestrained power. Both of them deliberately incited division among different groups of people: Mao instigated class struggles between different social strata, which filled Chinese society with chaos and extreme confrontation, allowing him to establish absolute control over the situation, whereas Trump drove a wedge between left and right, white and nonwhite/minority, city and country, making his supporters believe that he is The only person who could "save America," any voice of opposition is the "enemy of America."

 – First, it is a revolution which mobilizes people about culture (For Mao, revisionist and capitalist, for Trump, woke and pro-LGBT+) but maybe more deeply an attempt at changing the political system and purging political enemies. 

 – This purging is the result of an irrepressible desire for revenge (For Trump, against the Democrats and those who questioned his attempted coup or his links with Russia. For Mao, against state president Liu Shaoqi and the bureaucracy who opposed the catastrophic Great Leap Forward policy). 

 – The victims are at the same time intellectuals and officials, although bureaucrats appear as the main target (“persons in charge following the capitalist line” in China, “members of the Deep State” in the US). The destruction of the administration is based on a lawless terror implemented by radicals protected at the highest level (Red Guards in China, members of DOGE in the US), putting into jeopardy entire branches of the administration. 

 – This “revolution” is quick and bewildering, leaving everyone overwhelmed. 

 – The great leader is trying to reform the ideology of the entire people by destroying nefarious ideas (“woke”, “LGBT+” in the US, “revisionist”, “counterrevolutionary” in Mao’s China). 

 – This ideological reform relies on the imposition of a “correct” vocabulary by coercive means (thus the renaming of the Gulf of Mexico as Gulf of America as decreed by Trump.) This is particularly reminiscent of the changing of street and personal names in the Cultural Revolution. 

 – Many highly educated people are suspected by Trump of being leftist and woke, as they were suspected by Mao of being rightist and counterrevolutionary. People with less education are appreciated because they “believe” more easily in the alternative reality promoted by the Great Helmsman. 

 – An essential method for controlling the minds of the people is the cult of personality of the great leader. Mao created his own cult and reached God-like status during the Cultural Revolution. Trump has still some way to go, but he also succeeded in presenting himself as an envoy from God to save America. When government meetings begin with a collective prayer thanking God for giving Trump to the Americans, one is reminded of meetings in the Cultural Revolution which began with the entire leadership standing up, reading from the Little Red Book and ending with shouts of “Long Live Chairman Mao!” 

 – Interestingly, both charismatic leaders relied on another personality to be the great priest of their religion. The “Number Twos” became as important as potential successors and also cultivated a personal cult of personality. Military leader Lin Biao received for some time a mention in the quasi-religious praise addressed to Mao that every Chinese had to utter in public, whereas Elon Musk’s cult is also advancing, as shown by the huge statue erected of his likeness near the Tesla factory in Texas.

 – Finally, an important similarity is the ideal of a “purified” society that is free of dangerous outsiders. Trump is famous for his determination to expel millions of illegal immigrants (presented as bad people) and to block others from entering. During the Cultural Revolution, there was a similar expulsion of people of “bad origin” en masse to their home villages. 

Given those similarities between the two revolutions, could today’s Americans draw lessons from the Chinese experience? I can think of three of them:

 1) Mao, during the Cultural Revolution, was very successful at destroying the Chinese culture and ethics, as well as law and normal administration (although he was forced to restore bureaucracy after a few years.) The violence permanently scarred society and individuals and he was unable to create anything to replace what he had destroyed. Do not forget that it is easier to destroy than to rebuild. 

 2) How long will the Trump-Musk honeymoon last? The relationship between Mao and Marshall Lin Biao, who was once “Chairman Mao’s closest comrade-in-arms,” became a paranoid one on both sides. Lin attempted to flee to the USSR in 1971, and his plane crashed in Mongolia in an accident still unexplained. Let’s see if our American comrades-in-arms succeed in escaping the curse. Older dictators do not like to cede power even to someone they have chosen. 

 3) At the end of the Cultural Revolution, which followed Mao’s death, the only political figure revered by the people was the state’s premier Zhou Enlai, who represented the bureaucracy. People had understood that, despite its faults and arrogance, a functioning State apparatus was a necessary protection for them. The new leaders (leaders who had survived the movement) were not only happy to restore the bureaucracy but they initiated reforms at odds with Mao’s ideas. And after too much violence and suffering, even the youth who had been at the vanguard of Mao’s autogolpe came to appreciate the values of democracy and the rule of law, and these became the mottos of the Democracy Wall Movement that they launched in 1978-79. 

 Thus, Mao ultimately lost everything superficially achieved during the Cultural Revolution. History will tell if, in the American case, a “counterrevolutionary” force will be able to take shape and to get the support of a disillusioned people, as happened in China at the end of the 1970s.

Those distant, blurry memories

I have been keeping an eye on my blog's stats, for a little bit. On average, 15% of the clicks get recorded in Google Analytics, and 85% are untraceable. For new entries, clicks average from 20 to 40 in about a month. But that's not what people came to read in my blog! Most people came for old, really old entries! And they spend hours going through everything! Am I being audited? By the Chinese authority? 

I was quickly viewing the click records in the backend and was like, "Whaaaaat?! Did I write something under that title? When?" Decades ago apparently!

I imagine there is a group of people, if not authorities, then mainly women, I assume, who know me more than I know myself! Where did I go in what year, what month, and what happened? Lol! 

Nowadays, auto webpage translation is quite accurate. Judging from the old entry titles, a lot of Chinese readers come to read my English blogs.  

How fun is it, right? Looking into someone's old diaries... I was keeping it for myself to read when I have no teeth no more. Maybe by then, I have lost all of my memories too, so I would need the digital diaries to have a feel of what my life was like back then -- the glorious times! Surely, I would forget where I stored those paper diaries like a squirrel, and if my URL is not publicly written somewhere, I would forget where I keep those hidden URLs, too! 

What I did for more than a decade before I was wiped out of Chinese social media is now a distant, blurry memory. I spent a tremendous amount of my time daily giving free consultations to Chinese women in distress. And ya, with such great karma, I ended up being brutally abused by internet violence and got wiped out. China is a fucking weird place, not habitable. Now, America is moving in that direction. 

Those women found me via Sina Weibo, where I had merely 30k followers because the main collective Chinese narrative hates India; I self-branded as an advocate of Indian culture, and I openly stated that I was married to an Indian man and trying to appreciate this culture that's different from mine. 

The messages I would get daily in Tencent WeChat -- at least from 3 new Chinese women who encountered Indian men as love interests. Somedays, as many as 5 to 10, and some were quieter. They were mostly in distress, not knowing anything about India, being bullied by strangers or society in general, or being bluntly rejected by friends and family. 

That was a busy decade when I was "reduced to merely a stayed-at-home housewife." I helped hundreds, most probably thousands of Chinese women. Gave them information on whatever I knew. I warned them about the dire situation for women's rights in India, the evil mother and sister-in-laws, the Indian men who could turn out to be lazy assholes because they were born to be entitled and demanding, without the will to move a finger for house chores. Besides introducing some customs and the beauty of the diverse cultures. 

I have collected a massive amount of stories about Chinese women and Indian men, all kinds of stories, mostly bizarre and eye-dropping. Because only those who went through a shit ton of stuff would sort to find help online from a stranger like me. 

Of the thousands of Chinese women, maybe one or two were Chinese men with Indian women. Why? Because Indian women were and are generally not free. Not free to find love for themselves, especially Chinese/foreign lover-boys. Rarely were Indian women coming to China to study medicine or do business. I remember the flight I took many times from Kunming to Kolkata, one time a whole plane crashed and burned to ashes, was always filled with men, Indian men. The only women would be the Chinese hostesses; they were the only ones who helped me when I desperately needed it. 

Ahh, fun times too!

I don't know, after I was wiped out, if there was a place for the new Chinese women who suddenly found themselves at the center of abusive responses from their peers and Chinese society because they were spotted being with Indian boys to find solace and comfort; if there were some other people who would tell them whatever beautiful and ugly they knew about India and remind them to proceed with caution, in case the Indian men were already married with children back in India. 

"You are the only person who could understand me," or "You are the only place I could go and talk about this issue; all of my friends hate that I am with an Indian boy!" or "Before talking to you, I had absolutely no clue about anything, thank you for saving my life!" I received such comments daily. 

I did whatever I could and tried as much as I could. My conscience has always been clear. When I was under attack, except for maybe five people who supported me and got me through, I didn't hear from nobody else. Well, my means of communication were suddenly cut out, though. That may be the reason. But I wouldn't care; whatever people choose, it's their path and consequences. I can only mind my own path and my own choices. It's my own karma. 

Funny that one Chinese Muslim girl found me on Instagram, and she spoke very strangely, asking me to be her master, she be my slave, etc. Recently, she got a sponsored visa to work as a maid under an Indian man and his wife. Eventually, this Indian man and his wife wanted her to stay and marry this Indian man. Maybe it's very casual for Muslim men and women to practice polygamy. Still, I warned her -- once you marry a Muslim, you lose all freedom, unless he grants you divorce, you are forever his property, you can never ever leave. Sadly, it was the life story of one close friend's sister. I don't know what's this Chinese girl's decision at the end, from her last communication, she was leaning to stay; but ya, I did try whatever I thought was right to advise her, like an older sister, like a mother. And I assumed she was a human being who valued freedom. 

What good values I'm passing to my daughter

"Men are useless!"

As I was busy packing everything, I seriously taught my daughter about this: 

"Men use their bigger physical bodies to make up this world we live in; they possess everything, including women and children; they own everything, including all the money, so women work for free for them; in that way, men control women. But you see, men are useless - for the past one hour, you dad just pooped for half an hour and took a shower for half an hour; whereas I packed all of our four lunch boxes, fixed breakfast for all four, packed everything you need for afternoon fencing classes, and my and your dad's things for hot yoga. And look at me, oh, actually, I only prepared three breakfasts for you three, I left myself out! I forgot to eat my stomach medicine too! That's how women turn to have weakened health later on because they are so busy and they exclude themselves from the care they provide for others for free!" 

If "men are useless" is the narrative my daughter will remember growing up, let it be. I highly suspect she was born a lesbian anyway. And guess what, "women are useless" is the narrative I grew up with.

While my mom does 80% of the housework, which is 99% better than all Indian households because Indian men do 0% of the housework. She works like a horse and a cow for the whole family, while she could never get herself to eat freshly made dishes by her, and she always goes to leftovers (that impacted me hugely, for the longest time after I got married, especially after I had kids, I subconsciously felt that I only deserved leftovers but not delicately made dishes because those are for men and children; I never would cook anything for me, but only for guests, men, and children, and I would happily eat their leftovers. Indian women are Not allowed to eat at the table with men at the first round of food serving, which is still happening now in the majority of traditional households. They are only allowed to sit on the floor in the corner of the kitchen and eat leftovers from men, in the most backward places in India, like the state where my in-laws come from). Still, when my parent fought, my dad consistently demeaned her, "Women are useless and stupid." Look what that got me into!! 

My daughter is too precious and gifted to be some men's slave. My parents never taught me about it; on the contrary, they molded me and paved the way for me to successfully become a slave of men, a successful slave. 

When we were younger, Raj used to slip out the exact demeaning words about me too, when we argued, "Women are so stupid!" All that stemmed from his own society and his environment growing up; his dad would outburst extremely loud scolds towards his mom in front of all, "You stupid, stupid woman, shut the fuck up!" 

It took maybe 100 times of such emotional abuse and my fighting it back for Raj to now change to a different narrative (and I could take such a massive amount of emotional abuse was because of my dad's scolds about my mom growing up), "Momo is so freaking smart; she has the IQ of xxx." As if I give a fuck about my high IQ, lol! Men are so freaking stupid and useless, seriously... The best I figured I should do is to take my high IQ and idle around, do absolutely nothing. 

Why do I want to contribute to this world made by stupid and selfish men? Haven't I experienced enough of all kinds of trauma and abuse from all? Do you think I have healed fully yet? I only do things that I absolutely feel like doing. If even just a tint of unpleasantness, meh, Imma get meself the fuck out. 

Making money and money itself is not a concept that has formed in my mind. I don't mind being passed around by different owners and masters, owning my body, my womb, and whatnot, as long as I don't need to trouble my mind about money-related matters! Is there much difference in being owned by different men? Is there much difference in the number of dollars a man owns (after a certain amount of zeros)? Apparently, not much! Well, size and effort in bed do matter, though. So, ya, two basic thresholds -- number of zeros and sizes. And remember it, it's the society that sets those up for men and women, not generative from the authentic me! Lol! 

Anyways, all is well, I'm still in love with my life!

Rui is moving away with his husband, though. MY might too, one day, with her wife. Rui and his husband are expecting the surrogate to deliver their first daughter in July. It costs a great deal to get one surrogate in Oregon pregnant after one miscarriage. One surrogate in Colombia just went through a miscarriage, but trying again since surrogacy in Colombia is a hell lot cheaper than in the US. Since Rui is now in between jobs and his husband's work is fully remote, they decided to move to Phenix, where his white husband's parents are. They are selling the townhouse here and buying a big single-family house there, with a pool. They will move at the end of April. It was indeed "a good news and a bad news" for us... But we are excited for Rui's new journey as a dad. This time, it was his husband's sperm that survived; maybe the next child would be his biological child. It doesn't really matter at the end, though. 

MY and her wife, now both 32, are using the Apple benefit to freeze some of their eggs while searching for a sperm donor. Maybe they want to be moms too, in a few years. Once an actual pregnancy is on the calendar, they will think about moving away too, since MY's wife doesn't enjoy her job at Apple, and MY can write her book anywhere in the world; on top of that, things are way too expensive here. That will also be "good news and bad news" for us next year. 

Then, in the Bay Area, only Sandra and I stayed, and my professor and family too, but only us. Tony moved back to LA, inspired to be a popular commoner's lawyer there, a politician one day too; Cindy moved back to Vancouver to unite with her whole family; now Rui and MY are also moving away... :( 

But we still look exactly like we did when we met 15 or so years ago -- not much has changed in our appearances at all. Amazing Asian genes!!

I am Back!

Sunny all the way from the parking building to my office! I am Back!!!!

My stack of chocolate was waiting for me. I am finally back in the office after almost a month of sickness! Well, prof went to TW for several weeks also, so I skipped a lot of in-office days even while in mild pain.

Started feeling fabulous on Wednesday morning after going to the TK classes. Even last Wednesday, while teaching musical storytime for the three classes one by one, I was in a certain degree of pain. Then this week, on Monday, I went to the street for a Tibetan course; on Tuesday, I slept until 11 a.m. to recover but still woke up with sore arms and legs. During yesterday's musical stortytime with the kiddos, I was in Full Energy!! Haven't felt that for weeks!

I used my voice without conservation, smiled ear to ear, and took extra steps to entertain the kids. Of course, each time, kids would come forward to hug me and tell me how much they missed me and loved me, even when I was in pain. But I finally can give the entirety of self to them! 

I realized that when I am in full-energy mode, which is 99% of the time, I am such a lively and loveable human being! I hop and skip rather than walk; I always smile and pay attention to people's words with respect, acceptance, or curiosity. I have such pureness and integrity inside my mind that I never overthink or think ill of anything or anyone. I speak my mind! I act straightforwardly, with the highest level of authenticity. If one day a pill is available, once you take it, it will reveal your mind to the outside world; I would take it without any hesitation because of how pure my mind is. I trust and have faith in people as well as the process. I habitually put myself into others' shoes and sympathize with them. I give whatever I have to people, trying to help in any way and wishing for the best of whoever I encounter. And I am full of gratitude! It does take several weeks of low-energy illness before bouncing back to realize that!

My Funk rehearsal went exceptionally great on Wednesday night too! My keyboard parts were coming together and sounding solid. For the most part, I improvise with my ears and fingers. It's my first time doing something wild like this; it's beyond words. Bandmates and directors went the extra mile to tell me how good my keys sounded in each song! That made me smile ear to ear again! 

I remember feeling so happy after the musical storytime when I was home eating my mom's hundred homemade dishes. I felt like I was practically on top of the world, having everything that needed to make me happy at my hand. I remember feeling this was the definition of a fulfilled life; there wouldn't be anything more and better. This is it, and I am living through it, enjoying it, and cherishing it second by second. 

The other day, during discussions with the "resistance force" group of Chinese friends, I heard this phrase: "Being kind without acting equals unkindness." The same goes for "good people keep silent is as bad as being evil." To hell that I'm gonna be the silent one! I have never ever kept my mouth shut. I have lost so much, and gained so much too, because of who I am. I am a person who will sacrifice herself to stand up for injustice and who will not blink when facing the powerful at gunpoint. I am the protector, and yes, I am back!

Will you stand up for injustice?

 

Life goal

I don't know how many times my mom urged me to 

"get a real job," "have some wages,"

so I "won't be dependent on Raj," 

and "can buy whatever I want but not beg the others."

I was like -  LOL? LOL!

Do I look like someone who could work 8 hours per day for some capitalist corporation?

Do I look like someone with the word "beg" existing in her vocabulary?

I idle around, reading whatever I want to read,

buying whatever I want to buy, and saying whatever I want to say --

isn't this the ultimate goal of life for most people?

Why do I ever want to lower myself into this rotten, filthy world

with patriarchal and only patriarchal standards,

willingly shed my creativity and spirituality, 

and metamorphose into a brick in the wall?

I could have chosen to not be a victim by

not giving in to monogamous marriage and childbearing.

But I was young and stupid, and I couldn't do this to my parents.

Now, with my weakened bones, whitened hair, and wrinkled face,

think I would ever want to enslave myself to someone (other than my own husband) 

and "earn a fucking wage"?

Ha! The funniest joke I've heard for days.

I tell Raj, "If I don't spend your money, well, rightfully mine, now,

in a few years, say we part ways, it will never be mine anymore!

What, I help you save it for your future young wife? LOL!"

Logically, all I should do is idle around 😂

Doubting myself?

Combing and reading through new and old articles introducing Chizuko Ueno and China's feminism movements (a lot about the government's suppression efforts). Realized that the perceived world I think I live in is a million miles away from contemporary Chinese. 

I. will. never. fit. in. there. any. more.!

But, ya, probably should address this point at the end of this entry: maybe just in time for me to catch up and learn the Chinese way to better face a Trump era that will probably last well beyond four years.  

Feminism has been effectively dismantled under the continuously malicious attacks from the government and its various hitman agencies. In the mainstream, "feminism" is now mostly used as a flowery decoration to elitism by the "successful". 

Different branches of feminism do still emerge and exist, mainly grassroots and underground. How you associate yourself with the various social classes of women and their different calling for more equality is a thing. People's eyes will be on you when you make a choice!

What the pressure?!  

But then, that has always been the Chinese or Eastern societies, no? You can't just comfortably seclude into your own world without norms and rules; people want to know which side you pick! I mean, if you are an intellectual who writes and shares your thoughts with the public.

It's not that I haven't asked myself this question: Am I really a feminist? Or let's phrase it more accurately: Do my world views on specific topics or my conditions resulting from my life choices conform to a "true feminist"? I know this sounds wildly absurd, but not only does America have Cancel Culture, but in societies where collectivism is more prominent, Cancel Culture is deep in your blood. There's even no name for it; it's simply the fundamental way of life! 

Nevertheless, that's a good question: Where am I? Am I truly a feminist? 

Publicly, I am a happily married woman who conforms to monogamy, a full-time mom in a lot of aspects, and financially dependent. I don't think I could fit in the description of a feminist, even living here in America!

And I have avoided going deep on it this whole time! 

It is hard, any advancement or progress on this path is hard, even just the discussions. I remember how much resistance and rejection were there when I first brought about the debate about monogamy and polyamory to Leena. Even now, I don't really have a clear idea of this. 

When 2024 we traveled to Mexico together, Leena was adamant that monogamy was a fruit of women's fight for equality since "polygamous (one husband with multiple wives) traditions were much more harmful". 

I guess we didn't know anything about the surging development of a polyamory world, which is driven by the feminist movement in a way or the forefront ideals of the world's most renowned feminists. 

How did we know?

Did I betray the ideals of feminism by getting married to one man, willingly having his children, and enjoying the company - oftentimes "exploitation"- of men? Am I not a worthy feminist who is still now (willingly or unwillingly) stuck in this very un-feminist situation? Does a hip but conventional mother count as a feminist?

I do question myself often, afraid that I am not feminist enough, or at all. But I am also aware that the doubting itself is very un-feminist. 

I think one day I should just make peace with it: no matter what situation I'm in today, a true feminist should be more like an ally? Ally of the underrepresented, underprivileged, voiceless, and powerless. Those we want to collect under our wings do not need to be only women, but the whole LGBTQ community counts! Anybody could take the role of a feminist, all that matters is how you perceive it. 

And that's that, then!

(See, I need to write the words out to clear my mind! That's just how my mind works...)

Next 4 years