Awww, me!

 

Costa Rica fever

Somehow, the three of us being together really works! We laugh nonstop, and something always feels amusing when we're having a discussion. Ahh, both of the girls are absolutely gorgeous and brilliant, and so strong and independent too! I enjoy them booking everything and ordering everything like bosses, and I'm there tagging along, like a younger sister only for thrill and fun!

I think the highlight for me has to be when I got so high, I can't stop spilling about the imaginary world that we are entirely unfamiliar with. We as women, caged in this man-made world, have no imagination about what a different reality in a parallel universe could be like. I couldn't stop myself! I'd been super excited because both of them are very very intelligent women who truly understand different concepts, such as feminism, communism, colonialism, and polyamory etc, and have decided to be open and on the progressive side of things. I got especially turned on (well, not down there) when they responded to me with a counterargument or agreement on different points. I'd gone over their argument over and over, laying it out, looking for cracks and coming up with new arguments in my mind when we were quietly dancing to the music. 

I was so high, everything felt only 75% at speed for me; I'd been using my loudest voice so I could get my views received; I'd been repeating my points without knowing; I'd been elaborating some corner concepts to a degree that I might derail from my original track of thoughts. They'd been focused intensely for five minutes, then suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter because of how serious I was about all those imaginary things. The live Jazz was dull last night at Local Edition, and we were the only people who came forward to the dance floor. But we didn't dance, we just went there to laugh. 

Oh, how hard we were tripping. 

We were supposed to be in Costa Rica right now. They booked everything, Airbnb, SUV, and our flights too. However, Sangha doesn't have citizenship, and she doesn't want to risk being unable to return. "We would be sent to concentration camps right away when we land in Houston!" "Ya, because by then, we couldn't stop ourselves greeting 'Hola' to anybody that passes us after the beautiful trip. They'd scoop our assses up at the border and throw us inside the concentration camps! Texas? Oh damn, had to the receiving state when we intend to re-enter after Costa Rica..." "Never going to those states anymore, only concentration camps waiting for us lowborn nonwhites, lol..." We three couldn't stop shitting ourselves. 

We still need to go to Costa Rica, it has to be done. We'll wait for the water to be calmer, wait for the cheeto to face some more lawsuits and cut the fuck out a bit. Chill dude, chill, calm the fuck down, you organge fuck of expired soggy cheetos. Irritating piece of obsolete junk who spends tens of millions of taxpayers' hard-earned dollars on nonstop golfing and partying! A bunch of degenerate, filthy, saggy-boned men who have absolutely no control over their greed, ego, lust, and gluttony, hauling in dollars by insider trading, collution and corruption, while bankrupting the whole freaking nation on all fronts from education to social welfare, from environment to foreign relations. For this, I blame the self-brainwashed, immoral and racist rotten souls, each fucking one of them. Oh wait, guess they are being ruthlessly fucked up too. Karma. 

"I have absolutely no respect and no sympathy left for any cheeto supporters. If I know there's one I'm encountering, I would fuck myself out from their sight within a second. I have zero patience left for any of them. It's been fucking Nine years! How fucking retarded they could be??!!" "Naa, it's okay, it's a democracy, people had their reasons to vote for him." "Enough. Stop your patronizing bullshit on me at this moment. I am not preaching to anybody, I am not harming anybody, I only just want to quietly fuck myself off. Please don't interfere with what I feel like doing or not. Leave me be in peace, please." A typical conversation between Raj and me. 

Yup, at this moment, I just want to fuck myself off. Any place in my own mind is a thousand times better than the cheeto-contaminated reality. 

Wait, why I use so many "fuck" today? Got too many hot candies lately? Lol...

We three had fun no matter where, that's the most important, ha!

A good year

This year might very well turn out to be one of the best years. It started with a fabulous fortieth birthday of mine, then getting my American citizenship, then a little turbulence with the inauguration and the new administration, mainly a disturbance to our tranquility, and then Noah's film screening at the SF Indie Film Fest. Fast-forward to April: Lipi got pregnant after years of trying, and on the same day I underwent surgery to remove gallbladder, Noah got the AI research position with a project at UC Berkeley with which he could earn a living as well as enjoy the flexibility of making films, and next week Raj will also finally get his American citizenship. All significant milestones in life. 

I am only enduring, also cherishing, the last few days of abdominal pain that lasted for more than five years of my life. Four surgical knife cuts are an entirely different story from persistent pain that could jump out at any time with any intake of food or liquid. I lived my life in uncertainty and continuously deepened limitations, but I accepted my fate as it was, didn't fuss, didn't complain. I was as happy as always. Now suddenly the dark cloud looming above my head was blown away in one night, and I got to see the sunlight again! Have I ever imagined or expected this? No! I thought I would die with a plain diet, like rice and rice! I would still die happy btw. No expectations of what life brings you are the only way to lead a happy life!

7mm is huge! If a gallstone is more than 5mm, it will most likely be stuck in the duct. I guess when my 7mm was first out in the duct, it was at least 5mm. It has to have been stuck there for a long while by now -- years! Then the 2mm also took its time to come out in the duct, but got stuck behind the 7mm. Getting rid of my gallbladder was such an easy decision; all doctors and surgeons had already made up their minds the moment my latest ultrasound was out, I think. Nobody around me or in my entire extended family has ever done a gallbladder removal surgery, no woman ever approached me and warned me about it, and no doctor or specialist thought that it could be the reason for me, how could I know? How much pain I endured for years. But ya, no fear, never fear, that's just who I am.    

Since Friday, I've been gobbling whatever food was on the table, without hesitation. But after all of this, I've decided to stay healthy, I am going to entirely stay away from smoking and largely limit alcohol consumption. For smoking, I had my time last year, guess I needed that tiny window of freedom, with Sony, a girlfriend. But I am different, I hate the smell of cigarettes, and I was only indulging in the gesture. Now I'm mentally satisfied, I shut the box and walk away. Never physically needed cigarettes in my life ever, anyway. It's especially important for my daughter's sanity and healthy future; her eyes watch keenly, and her brain calculates shrewdly. I have to uphold the fortress for her, with so many menacing evils clawing below.  

Staying healthy also means eating a balanced diet, going to hot yoga, and always being physically active because protesting requires strength. I want to be able to stand in the sun or rain for hours and shout at the top of my lungs. I realized how loud and powerful my voice could be, literally. Both Leena and I are like that. We didn't need a speaker that day in front of Teslerr, but our voices could be heard from the beginning of the SF street to the end. When I exert force with my belly, my voice is full and wide, loud too, an excellent practice for singing. I want to be fit to do the shouting every Saturday: "One-way ticket for Elon to go to Mars!" "Shame on Elon the felon, the richest robbing the poorest!"

It's going to be a good year! 

I got absolutely no mercy and patience left for patriarchy and whatnot

 

"What singularly defines the situation of woman is that being, like all humans, an autonomous freedom, she discovers and chooses herself in a world where men force her to assume herself as Other: an attempt is made to freeze her as an object and doom her to immanence since her transcendence will be forever transcended by another essential and sovereign consciousness. Women's drama lies in this conflict between the fundamental claim of every subject, which always posits itself as essential, and demands of a situation that constitute her as inessential. How, in the feminine condition, can a human being accomplish herself? What paths are open to her? Which ones lead to dead ends? How can she find independence within dependence? What circumstances limit women’s freedom and can she overcome them? These are the fundamental questions we would like to elucidate." 

-- Beauvior 'The Second Sex' 1949

 

Part 1

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Part 2

Everything went wrong. 

I wonder if women a hundred years ago could have foreseen the dreadful twists and turns happening today that are drastically changing humans' future course. 

Until the conclusion of the fourth wave of the feminist movement, most people still held high hopes for how feminism could improve humanity. The first wave (from 1848) pushed for women's education, occupation, property, and voting rights; the second wave (from 1963), influenced by Beauvoir’s "The Second Sex," granted women more freedom to their own lives and bodies, as a result, abortion was gradually made legal globally, riding on vehement opposition from religious fundamentalists, a lot of backs and forths continued to be carried out long after it; the third wave (from the 1990s) started to be more fluid and expanded to all races, classes, and ethnicities, this wave sought to challenge, reclaim, and redefine ideas of the self, femininity, also touched on gender fluidity, sexual identity and decolonization in all aspects such as love, relationship and individuality; the fourth wave (from 2030s) aimed to deconstruct the established societal and familial structures such as the marriage contract of one man and one woman under the imposition of major religions such as Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism and Buddism, and reconstruct new structures that allowed a diversity of familial relations, such as polyamory, matriarchal-style nesting and the formation of "women and LGBTQ-only" supportive groups and chosen-family framework.

The fourth wave. The fourth wave!

I hail the brave humans who once existed around that time!

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Humans were not born equal, not after they started forming hunter-gatherer societies. While early humans likely shared certain survival responsibilities more equally, in hunter-gatherer societies, men's physical strengths and abilities became more prominent, contributing to the division of labor between men and women. Men were larger and stronger physically, so they went out to track and hunt animals, while women stayed to maintain the camp and care for the children. Because of hunting's dangerous and competitive nature, it was valued as more critical for the group's survival, which led to the eventual consolidation of power in men's hands. 

When humans transitioned from a hunter-gatherer lifestyle to agricultural communities, men naturally became more involved in the physical labor of farming, which led to greater ownership and control of resources, including land, livestock, and other forms of wealth. As societies became more hierarchical and warlike, physical strength and aggressiveness—traits more commonly associated with men—were more highly valued. Over time, cultural myths, stories, and norms gradually constructed and reinforced male dominance, becoming institutionalized in laws, religions, and traditions.

As the primary economic actors in society, men needed to ensure that their property and wealth were passed down to legitimate heirs. Hence, men started to regulate sexual relations, reproduction, and inheritance with the concept of marriage. Marriage served as a means for men to control women’s sexuality and reproductive rights, ensuring that the children the wives bore were their legitimate heirs, to solidify their claims over inherited wealth and family assets. In patriarchal social structures, one man may exert authority over one or multiple women, either through monogamous or polygynous arrangements. Monogamy typically involves a marriage between one man and one woman, often characterized by male economic, legal, and social dominance. Polygyny consists of one man and multiple wives in marriage. In such a context, women typically have limited autonomy, and marriage serves economic, social, or reproductive purposes.

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