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In the Arches National Park, the most common shape is an erect penis

For me, that's Shiv Lingam everywhere

Seems like the stone nature agrees with human nature

Why cage one of the primary needs of any human being?

 To comply with social norms and religious doctrines 

that were set up by the powerful to rule over the powerless?

 

In Hindu culture, we worship Shiv Linga to respect human nature

as well as to admire the strength of men and women

Because with the erect penis, 

there are often strong and warm homes for them

like earth, like ocean

Home

(Written on August 2, 2023, after the magical trip 

in India where I felt the presence of Lord Shiv

I can't explain why most of my spiritual encounters

are mixed with erotic experiences)

heavy mahogany window pushed open a little wider

moonlight sneaked in

her curve radiating a creamy glow

 cicadas of the garden 

orchestrating a soothing lullaby 

her eyes shut

in peace and serenity

deep in dreams

on the corners of her mouth

a rosy flush hung

what fairyland you flew off to?  

kneeling next to her arm

he gazed down at her hair

what refreshing scent of jasmine 

his lips found her earlobe

"You're my Goddess"

he nibbled

skimmed along her glowing skin

his long tender fingers

stroking, caressing, nipping

his eyes tracked along 

her hips her thighs 

her calfs her ankles

her belly her breasts

like a studious apprentice

he examined her body

part by part

how elegantly shaped a pair of breasts

no aggression no compulsion

calm and satin

formlessly melts into your palm

his hands cupping them

cradling, fondling, squeezing

restless and mischievous

wet and warm

his tongue glued to the hardened nipples

teasing and tickling

sending shivers to her core

how full her body

silky but solid

delicate yet firm

chill though blazing

to her neck his mouth moved up

more and more relentless his gaze turned

never to stray from her face his eyes were

"ah"

she moaned lightly

still in her dreams

"mmm"

her eyebrows bending in rhythm

eyelids struggling to unfold

"my lord, you were dancing in your cave,

merely a moment ago..."

she murmured

"ah"

her lips parted in protest

biting down into the lower lip

"my lord!"

her fingers coiling onto the linen

"what's the matter?" 

to her ears he whispered

"you don't approve of my little soldiers?"

"ah!"

her hips sent into a sudden upward curl

"my lord!" 

her eyes flickering with moonlight

gazing back into the infinity of his

he pulled her in 

sliding on the fine linen

like a cobra king with its pray 

his arms around hers 

his thighs circling hers

enwrapped

not a chance to escape   

"you don't welcome me to my cave?"

"as you said, it's your cave,

your home,

whenever you wish,

my lord"

Time

 time

what a self-serving concept 

humans created

in the name of it

we kill, 

we conquer, 

we exploit

but them

they just exist

quietly come

quietly go

in the blink of their eyes

our ugliness spills 

all over the sand

engulfed by the infinite darkness

in the blick of their eyes

Proud of Myself

Really long day. But I am gathering the last bit of energy to write this diary. 

Getting a new intern under me, this morning when I was filling her job description, in her contract my role was written as "Executive Editor of xx". It's my first time seeing it on paper, in somebody else's contract. 

I can't even begin to describe how thrilled I was, I am. Was bragging all about my work to Raj on our drive back home from Berkeley. After 8 years of pause, I have been back for a few months more than a year now. I have done some other projects but this recent role as Executive Editor of my site is my favorite. 

I guess a writer will always be a writer, writing is her soul. Never got a chance to study journalism or literature, but hey, look what I'm doing now, living up to my childhood dreams. 

Raj said, "It's all because of your hard work." 

Yes, if there is anything that never will change in me is that I put my 1000% into things, things that I love to do. Prof knows that. This time after I was back, he gave me all the opportunities to explore and to find what I was passionate about. He nearly lost me last time because I lost interest in the things he wanted me to do, I don't think he was ready to go over that again.

Anyway, long day, did a 1.5-hour hot Yoga with Raj in Berkeley, worked like crazy in the office for 4 hours, accompanied my son to his 1.5-hour-long horse riding training, practiced 1.5 hours with band members then rehearsed for another 1.5 hours. My work and music, they truly bring out the best in me and keep me pumped throughout the day, no matter how tiring it is. I just wish that I could gather more time to write, my sci-fi and my stories. But ya, it's okay for now, I will do as much as I can and things will surely fall into place as it goes. 

I am living a life not only as someone's mother or wife. Society lost all powers to impose their designated roles on me based on masses or mainstream culture. I choose what I desire to do, I decide what things, places, or who I'm in love with, and I map out my own future through hard work and with an open heart. I am proud of myself, I am proud of who I am.   

Who I am

 

Band and songs!!!

The adult band is such a great experience for me. Arriving at it without any knowledge about the keyboard or band, even the music. Not the 80s, not the 90s, not the 70s. But I dived in, because music is music.

This season we are doing the 80s. All songs and roles are pre-assigned by teachers and music directors. One day I was walking Aditi to her rehearsal, when the owner John asked me, "What do you play?" I replied confidently, "Piano!" Within a few minutes, he convinced me to join the Monday adult band. There is a Thursday adult band too, Monday one was just forming at that time. It's 500 dollars per month tuition fee, but ya, I am in. 

My first songs were "Here I go again", "Pour some sugar on me" and "Maneater". For the first two weeks, I was just fanatically trying to find out what music sheets I should use. Obviously, for a lot of songs, keyboard player creates their own sound. Not me, not yet. In my 45-minute keyboard lesson, my teacher helped me figure out the chords for "Pour some sugar on me", and started me with the "Maneater" saxophone solo. I downloaded a complete piano sheet for "Here I go again" from other app and realized my part was exactly written in the sheet.

I did spend several whole days listening to all three songs and figuring out stuff. For "Maneater" saxophone solo, I most probably listened to it 100 times to be able to write out the notes precisely. And I did it, exactly imitated that part. It was impressive when I performed it. 

After finally a little settled with my sheets, I followed along with rehearsal for a few weeks, to be more familiar with song structures, as well as practicing my parts. Now it's the 6th week, I am very confident with all three songs. Will keep practicing so as to memorize everything in mind. 

For "Maneater" I got the vocal reinforcement role. Basically, what you want, you have to grab it. I asked the teachers and music directors "What if I want to do more vocals in the future", they told me to start with background vocals. So I grabbed it, I am the "Ohh here she comes" throughout the song. What a fun experience, playing with my key but seriously singing "Ohh here she comes" from beginning to end.   

Six new songs have been added, they assigned two to me. It's not about the quantity but the quality. Victoria the other keyboard player got 7 songs out of 12, I only 5. But I absolutely love all of my 5 songs. I am super happy about my original 3. Now the two new songs for me are "What's love got to do with it?" by Tina Turner and "Take on me". When the music director was explaining the new assignment, he told me "It just feels like it's your song, Momo!" I had never heard of "What's love got to do with it?" but yeah, if you say so! 

After listening to it, I realized, ya, it's a song that keyboard plays a significant part. The school app has this song's sheets which made it a lot earlier on me. And yes, there are two different keyboard flows going at the same time and I am the only keyboard player for this song! So double keyboard it is! I confirmed with my teacher on my keyboard lesson, and ya, double keyboard I will use! I will also do vocal reinforcement for "What's love" throughout the song. What fun!

For "Take on me", both keyboard players are assigned, my name was on top. I know the music director was thinking about me taking on the most highlighted part. But after going through the sheets, my teacher thought the lower part of the keyboard was equally challenging, especially if  I wanted to add to the vocals. The highlighted part of the keyboard has "a short star of the show" feeling but most of the part stays dormant. My teacher is also Victoria's teacher, so I guess he also wants her to try some of the highlights. For all of the original 4 songs, her part was nothing like solo or standing out. I suspect the 3 news songs too, although I haven't listened to any. For sure, I don't mind at all. The music director will decide but the music teacher said he was going to give recommendations. I will be super happy for anything. I will be happy for Victoria too, if she can handle the fast-paced highlights, ya she will, no problem.

I am already imagining myself operating on the double keyboard so seriously but extremely sexy, making all that funky highlights, and singing "What's love" to the mic. What a pro, how fun! 

Religion is the opposite of love

 

For me, religion without the freedom to spirituality

equals dictatorship & authoritarianism.

Hence all the things I suffered growing up under an authoritarian regime,

I find similarities in religions:

brainwashing, suppression, exclusionism, conformation...

The idea of established/organized religion is the opposite of love.

I fanatically stay away from people or places

if I smell the slightest sense of preaching or conversion.

Simply because I do not wish to relive my miserable youth.

I do not wish to be installed with more dictatorial male gods.

To me, gods are whatever I feel him to be,

goddesses are whatever I want her to be.

Gods are in me,

and I am the Goddesses.

Feeling bad

I don't know if this has anything to do with anything, but I got very sick this time. Head spinning, coughing with enormous pain, every body part aches, waves of chills.

And I cry whenever I see what's happening in the world. Sometimes for China, sometimes for Gaza. Sometimes random things in the world.

Leena said if she had to choose a side, she would choose Isreal.

I can't. I can't choose a side. I'm only on the side of normal people who got killed, homes destroyed, family and lives shattered. I don't care what are their religions or how could they get a government or dictator like that. People are powerless, in most places in the world. Majority of people. And that's on top of people being selfish, shortsighted and stupid. 

But I still feel sad for them.