Ended up in ED last night. In retrospect, I believe the culprit for this round of severe stomach attacks was alcohol. Told myself to stay away from alcohol, but on the cruise ship, my husband was having so much fun with my body, lusting after it like a drooling Labrador, that he encouraged me to consume alcohol again. 3 days later, I could not stand, sit, or sleep.
I was crying the whole time in the waiting room, for one and a half hours, which is comparably short, people must be thinking what a crying wife who's good at moaning.
Kids got a little scared of my condition before we went off to the ED. They thought I was going to die. Once in a while, this kind of scare is healthy for their systems. Otherwise, they are always living in the sunshine and flowers, losing touch with the real world's cruelty.
I didn't think I was going to die, but I was pondering death, lying down in the ED hall.
I think I was ready to go a long time ago. Never really worried about anything, never afraid, never bent, because, ya, I have always been ready to leave, leave everything and everybody behind. Where did this melancholy come from? I have no idea, it's been with me since I have memory. The trauma of growing up under an authoritarian regime? Symptom of systemic oppression and suppression? Most probably.
But can I really leave everybody behind? No, I can't -- not until my kids grow up, not until my parents are gone. I can't let my kids go through the trauma of losing their mom before they are formed solidly, and I can't let my gray-haired parents burn my young flesh and bones.
I will fight my last tooth and nail to be here, accompanying my children through teenage years, college, adulthood, relationships, careers, motherhood/fatherhood, and more, just like my parents and Raj's parents are doing to us. Without the two sets of grandparents, Raj and I would have no stability and happiness, as we struggle to raise two kids alone.
But I am not here because I have to or am forced to, I realized I genuinely love being here, and love all the people around me. As for the past few years I gradually built my own life outside the little nuclear nest, I have made many new friends and am enjoying all the moments with them.
At 2 a.m., in the fully lit hallway of the ED, as I was waiting to receive an ultrasound examination, tears fell uncontrollably, wetting my temples. I love my life here. I love it. I love everybody here. I only have brimming love for all but hold no grudge or hatred toward no one, not even the evilest politicians. Yes, I fight against them, I detest their existence in politics, but I don't hate them personally; they don't reside in the same universe as me, if you know what I mean.
I always join a group of people's gathering with positive energy; all I receive at the end is positive energy. I don't assume, assume why or why not what others do and think; I don't expect - expect what others would do for me based on my own experience and interests is selfish and unkind; I don't judge, people deserve to walk their own paths in their own styles, our lines don't need to cross, our lights could shine together in the vast universe. Then how could you not love everything happening under the sparkling sun and everyone trying their best to live a meaningful life? I am just an observer, a passerby, no? I am your, his, her, and their cheerleader.
Also, at 1 a.m., a new friend was chatting with me. He crossed the border to come to America - landed in Guatemala, took the trains and buses, paid bribes to local gangs, waded through the rainforests, and swam the rivers. During Biden's time, he acquired legal status, a rare window for desperate immigrants like him. And yes, we are forming a band! Li was a guitar teacher back in China. But he was a lonely freedom fighter, so he chose to leave in the way that suited him the most. We aim to practice a series of songs banned by the CCP that praise freedom and citizens' rights. We will sing out loud what the Chinese could not. I told Li, "I got a US passport this year, so I can openly use my face and voice in the band." Li replied that he had decided never to return to China, so he was not afraid either. I will be the singer, keyboardist, and bassist. Li hurt his right ring finger, so he switched his hands to the guitar. It will take a while of practice to reach whatever he was capable of, but in the video, he shows excellent musical talent on guitar and vocals. We are going to have fun!
To new friendship!
