Burned my papaya because of B [part 1]

I deleted the location on my Feeld profile, so whenever the account is logged in from a different geo-location, people there would think we are local. Well, consider it my social media experiment. I have absolutely no interest in knowing new people whatsoever, but it has been hella fun seeing the crowd respond to my account, around the globe.

London and Bristol. London was obviously much more metropolitan, with 50 to 60 pings within hours. Bristol wasn't far behind, though; the population there was pretty vibrant and open-minded too.

China was completely dark; the government banned the app, so not a single soul was there, except maybe four foreigners who used VPNs. Two of them sent me pings. It made me think: what if the Chinese were allowed to use this app? What would happen? In fact, I discussed it with my cousin during our whole-night gossip catch-up session. I learned the dating scene in China was extremely disappointing due to men's thousand-year-old patriarchal mindset - they are looking for wives to take care of them while be satisfied with a lower social status which is under them. If I had stayed in China, I most probably would be divorced with or without children by now. I would be incredibly rich as always, with or without men; the luck with money has come from me since my birth, not from any men.

Feeld would be the next-level app for hooking up (约炮神器), a level up (or down) from Momo (陌陌 not my unique 墨沫), filled with men looking for "dirty" women to hook up with and then loathe. In extreme patriarchal settings, kink is naturally demonized; it gets a pass when men have it, but it becomes a tool to dehumanize and persecute women. Therefore, within a month, only filthy men and girls who sell sex for money would still remain on this app. For goddesses' sake, "lifestyle" is called "wife exchange" in China, I think in Japan, Korea, India too, wives are commodities up for exchange. "Good girls" would be terrified to have anything to do with such an app or such a setting in general. "People would slowly get to know, and they would start to talk behind my back and discredit me as a person, even affecting my work," my divorced lawyer cousin, a mother of two, sighed. 

China has progressed into accepting divorce as common as dining out. Almost all the gossip updates I got this round from my friends and family were about divorcing and having affairs. At least half of my peers are divorced and remarried, and most of the younger generations haven't married, even reaching their 30s. Two of my 28-y/o baby cousins are as single as a person can get. As Chinese women become more and more financially independent, they stop settling for men but build themselves up instead.

But to maintain a normal life without societal oppression in China, you have to be on the side of "good girls". Divorced women are now accepted as "good girls" - they're simply unlucky in finding a match for marriage. If they can make their own life, they are even secretly envied and looked up to. Girls who become mistresses of rich, married men are also not necessarily considered "bad girls" if they can stay away from drama and quietly receive their monetary rewards. But women who have sex for pleasure? Damn, you're as bad and rotten as any human being could get! You wouldn't even qualify to be a mistress to any man because you won't stay faithful to the married men! Unless you're old and rich, then you can do whatever you want. Before hitting 50, if a woman is considered horny and "opens her legs easily", she would have absolutely no future in finding a partner or receiving respect from society. 

Imagine what a "good girl" I would be living in China, divorced or still married, closely watched and appreciated by all the people from family circles, friend circles, work circles, and random online shark-watching circles - an example of chastity and virtue, having absolutely no freaking clue or experience about different cock sizes and functions. Or imagine what a happy world we'd be living in when all Chinese women are liberated from such toxic and inhumane doctrines! Horniness isn't always innate; it's often an acquired taste. Out of all Asian women, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Cambodians have the highest potential to be wild and free compared to Japanese, Koreans, Taiwanese, Thais, or Filipinos. This is because we used to be so screwed up by communism, having entirely lost our connection to the past, in a way.

One night in Delhi, I couldn't even count the pings. The app doesn't show stats, so you have to scroll down to collect the data according to geo-distance. I couldn't continue counting beyond 100 new pings; my eyes were hurting. Age range was 20s and 30s. Most of them sent a sentence or a paragraph with the ping, and the most consistent expression was: "This is the most interesting/amazing/well-written bio/profile I've ever come across on this app, and I am in awe/disbelief."

"Gangbangs," "threesomes," "orgasms," and "orgies"- you never saw women so openly decorate their verified profiles with such words like achievements in life, together with their butt shots, did you? But most of you consider women disposable and believe "bad girls" like me are only for hooking up with and talking down to with your friends, don't you? That's why I am "the only profile" you'll ever see for decades living here! I came from an entirely different world, didn't I? I didn't come from your world, and I don't belong in your world. You did, for a second there, believe I exist in your world, didn't you? But yes, it's my pleasure to let you see what I look like, perhaps your world for the future? And you can screenshot the heck out of my profile and share it anywhere you want. That wouldn't bother me a bit!

Then we reached Ranchi, the capital of Jharkhand, which is one of India's poorest states and among the poorest places on the entire planet. Its poverty is man-made, a result of exploitation by the British because the land here is rich with rare minerals and metals. It was the mining center of British colonization; not only were the lands brutally dug up and resources ruthlessly exploited, but the societal order was also utterly disturbed and destroyed. Therefore, almost 80 years after the end of British colonization, which squeezed every last drop of resource from the land, people today still live in extreme chaos and poverty.

My profile got around 10 pings from the Ranchi area, a big city of sorts. Not bad at all. However, my husband's hometown is Bokaro Steel City, a planned steel plant built in the 1960s when India was experimenting with socialism while rejecting capitalism, with the help of the USSR. According to Raj and his family, Bokaro had its glory because the steel plant used to employ 30,000 workers. Though still one of the biggest steel plants in the world today, it now employs only 8,000 workers due to industrialization.

Bokaro used to be an oasis in the whole region with paved roads, clean streets, and planned living quarters. The company used to manage trash, electricity, and water. Engineers lived in the city, so the schools were the best in the entire state; some schools easily sent 50 kids to IIT each year. The roads and schools are still not bad in Bokaro today, but many poor Biharis and Jharkhandis have come to settle around here, grabbing illegal land to create slums, and so on. Hence, overall, except for a few main streets in the very center that are still clean, the entire area is now filled with slums and trash. The lake in the main temple was quite clean when Raj was growing up, and they used to come and picnic there, but yesterday, when I visited, a massive amount of visible plastic trash was floating on it. Our new house, built in 2022, sits on a section of legal land amidst illegal settlements. Day in and day out, all I see is trash everywhere, narrow and muddy roads, and a river filled with trash. Right now, during monsoon season, there's water in the river, washing millions of plastic bags into the Ganges and then the Indian Ocean. In dry seasons, the river stinks with black water, and meters-high trash walls line its banks. Coming from South China, where water is in our blood - where we grew up playing in rivers and streams and can still play in those same clean rivers and streams today, and where people are actively cleaning up trash and the government is effectively managing trash, electricity, and water - the Bokaro we live in today is centuries behind. And don't even bring up women's rights!

That's why I found it so absolutely interesting to experiment with Feeld; it always matches the nature of the city or country! Zero likes and pings from Bokaro - people here have no clue about Feeld or the concepts behind it!

The lake in the temple, I had to blur it out,

 the white things are plastic foams.

Thinking about it makes me sick, 

and I don't have the courage to take a photo of the river

China 2025 - home, family and friends

When Raj was in Singapore, one of his associates told him, "I just took my son to China for a visit. I told him that China is what the human future would look like - impressive infrastructure, high tech, but people are quiet because of massive surveillance and censorship".

This was a very accurate and forward-thinking piece of sarcasm. The world is gradually shifting right in front of our eyes, aided by high tech that has ended up bringing more division and distraction than unity and strength - technology that ultimately helped, rather than hindered, the invasion of authoritarianism.

Nevertheless, I had a great trip to China after six years, because family is family, whether in a dictatorship or a free society.

Every single one of my cousins traveled back home to meet us. They took some days off work and journeyed from Shanghai, Hangzhou, Xiamen, and Fuzhou to our hometown, Guangze. One friend also traveled from Xiamen to Fuzhou to see me.

I realized how much my baby cousins, with whom I grew up, love and miss me as their eldest sister. This became clear when: my baby cousin brother, Zhong, recalled his peak life moment as getting Moritz, the German, completely "under the table" (as well as himself) during my Chinese wedding over 12 years ago, in January 2013. He complained that he's still very much traumatized and now has compulsive habits related to the "trauma" I put him through by "forcing" ghost stories, horror movies, and scary evening mountain tomb-hunting tours on them. My baby cousin brother, Yi, is now entering a brand-new world that could be extremely dangerous, no matter how enticing it appears. He'll need my guidance and reminders from time to time, much like how I ensured Raj never strayed off track over the years. I seized my 20 minutes of face-to-face time with my closest baby cousin sister, Jing, and scolded her unreservedly for what she had been doing over the past few years. Later, I received appreciation from all the other young ones and her parents, who were in tears because nobody else had dared to do so. I wiped my other auntie's tears and kept assuring her I was on her side and would make sure my mom was too. This was after she was completely wasted, spent hours crying and complaining about her relationship with my uncle, and felt her life passing her by. She had stayed small, weak, and vulnerable for the sake of her children but decided "no more" now that both children have grown up and built their own lives. I defended and affirmed my baby cousin sisters for their life choices, whether it was getting a divorce or staying single, and tried to broaden their views by sharing a little about my life on the fronts of feminism, relationships, and women's mental and physical health, among other topics.

Six years have passed without us meeting in person or chatting much online, but not a single second has distanced us. We're as close as we were when we were just kids 25 years ago. My cousins are 12, 7, 2, and 1 years younger than me; I either grew up with them since birth or took care of them from their birth.

My mom and dad took care of all their parents by giving them secure jobs and helping them financially. My mom has always been pouring money and resources into their families to give them a better life. During all festivals, big or small, the kids received good food and cash from my mom. Whenever we received gifts, which was almost every day, my mom would distribute them among my baby cousins' homes. My mom sponsored many travels and local trips so my cousins could have as much fun as I did. My parents made sure all the kids studied well and went to good colleges, and they always gave them pocket money each time they left home.

When my persecution case happened back in 2021, my uncles and aunties weren't happy about it at all. It was truly scary, and nobody knew how it could affect them in real life. This time, I met a friend who told me I had no idea how serious and widespread my case was back then. Everyone she knew was talking about it, and they reminded each other not to use my name - the three Chinese characters - neither online in any chatting group nor in person. People automatically went into self-censorship mode and felt extremely anxious if they had ever been close to me. They couldn't dissociate from and denounce me fast enough so they wouldn't be affected by my "falling into disgrace." I can imagine if I still had access to my old WeChat account, I would have seen my friend list dropping in real time, a dozen a second.

Hence, I understand why my uncles and aunties felt the way they did. In fact, they only scolded me a little one time during a video call while I was apologizing to them for the millionth time. They stood firmly behind my parents since day one, being the strongest and most crucial support system for them while I, the culprit, was thousands of miles away.

And my baby cousins? They've always appreciated my honesty and strength and never questioned me in any way. They felt bad for me and fought with others to defend me. They still do. Rong posted our photos together this time, and when some acquaintances from her circle left foul comments - unsurprisingly - she pushed them all back.

Over the years, I became a factor for my family and friends to filter out their fake friends - whoever didn't stand up for me or defend me wasn't a true friend. The convenient part about this was that they simply distanced themselves from us. 

I apply the same principle to my situation: whoever genuinely wants to reach out to me will surely find a way. If there's no active effort to connect, I'll assume and respect your desire to maintain a distance from me. And yes, I am surrounded with real friends and family who truly love and support me, no matter what.

None of us chose to be born into authoritarian, totalitarian, or dictatorial regimes, but authoritarianism, totalitarianism, and dictatorship can't define us - at least not entirely. We live, we explore, we love, the same way as anybody else in this world. In the dire reality of dictatorship and constant censorship and suppression, if we can find a way to stick to our truth and to love each other, especially when it is against propaganda and directives, we are the true heroes. Our courage and strength will surely stay and prevail, and that's all it is about.

Goddess

Then I finally remembered, I am never afraid. 

Taking off, landing, staying 10+ hours high up in the air, going through turbulence, I never feel afraid. 

Then I finally remembered, going to different countries, meeting different people who speak different languages, getting lost in strange and alien places, I am never afraid. 

And I finally remembered, trying new things, embarking in new adventures, accepting and forming new ideas, I never think it's fearsome but only exciting. 

Yes I finally remembered, standing up against unjust and unfair, fighting off dark forces for the sake of light and hope, giving whatever I have to the things I believe in, I never felt and never will feel an ounce of fear or hesitation. 

Because it is me, it is who I am. 

I am built this way.

And finally I remembered, I am protected. Wherever I go, I am being closely watched and shielded.  

Call me witch, call me Goddess, call me spirit, call me a force by itself. 

Because I am witch, I am Goddess, I am spirit, I am a strong force by itself.

I am the source of energy.

a little kiss

 

unease before meeting, cause

 a long pause that was heartbreaking

the moment he came into view

nothing else in the world felt true or anew

like a bird

at the sight of him

she rose and flew

like lightning

a thrill of joy 

came rushing gushing through

arms circling his back

face resting on his chest

a moment rehearsed and played

like undercurrents that never faded

lowered his head 

placed on hers

a kiss fell light

like a drifting breeze for the quiet night

time to say goodbye

but it never was enough, alright?

ten thousand seconds dissolved into the night 

when each breath a haven, serene and bright

a trace of sorrow

wrapped in the steady halo

arms circling his back

face resting on his chest

didn't know what to say

rarely found the words to weigh

how much she wishes that this could stay

the thoughts of him keep churning in gentle sway

leaned down at ease

his lips lovingly grazed hers

a kiss in the midnight breathes

tender as the hush the nightwind weaves

a little kiss

a little time

a little love

a little kiss

a little time

a little love

sometimes it sets her softly bobbing

but night returns with quiet throbbing

too often, she's left in silent sobbing

a little kiss

drew out a rainbow

 arching toward an Eden in the sky

a little kiss

grew an ivy

pulling her back down to the center of the eye

a little kiss

spun a web

elude is a dream though she may try

that little kiss

waits to turn into lingerings

on her cheeks as he whispers slow --

the feelings found a mirrored flow

but that little kiss

wishes to stay forever flutterings

come and go as the desire he follows

tethered to neither sorrow, nor to morrow

the little kiss

exists beyond the bounds of time and space

painting her a vision in place

of a human future she would long to chase

but the little light kiss

carries the weight of time and space

won't help her outrun the written script

of being laced inside a silken case

a little kiss 

as natural as breath can be 

sings a song of souls that spark 

like stars in the flame of pounding hearts

but a little kiss

as pure as it's meant to be

finds no place to rest its arc

among cold concrete in the unending dark

"but baby"

a voice broke through --

lightning splits the deadly night

birds tear wide the solemn sky

flowers crack the concrete tight

poems soothe the enduring plight

wistful kisses and loves

none should shine any less bright

unyielding rivers and oceans

 all will find the way in twilight flight

IAMI · I Try - Macy Gray (IAMI Cover)

My minion

Raj watched my son in the fencing tournament yesterday morning and drew the conclusion from that. Shiv actually showed significant progress in fencing. Yesterday was his first time getting an award, 8th place. I was utterly thrilled by it.

We've always known Shiv is not aggressive, but rather cautious on each of his moves. That's his nature; he's born like that. He is careful and diligent; he is kind and respectful. He is super humorous and always tries to make people laugh. He feels what other people feel; he is very sensible and understanding, and he works very hard, often prioritizing the happiness and comfort of others. On top of that, he has a freaking high IQ, definitely above most people in this world; he gets whatever is been taught to him right away, be it maths, chess, coding and robotics, language and literature, music (in various instruments), humor, fencing, horse riding, soccer, Taekwondo, I have never met a teacher or coach who was not amazed by how much he could focus, how fast he learns and absorbs and how hard he tries. 

And it does take a lot of time and practice to grasp the essential idea or vibe of fencing. Shiv hasn't completely grasped it yet, but is surely making steady progress. He has the brain and body; he just needs to strategically apply them to fencing. Doesn't mean that my son needs to change his personality to excel in fencing, nor does it mean my son's innate personality is at fault. And it surely doesn't mean an aggressive personality has a higher chance of succeeding in this world. 

Kids are born with certain traits, and we should develop "useful" skills around them rather than trying to alter their innate nature. The will to change it is extremely disrespectful, harmful, and toxic for the children. At the end of the day, we merely want to survive and thrive in society, but we're not particularly keen to comply with whatever it's set up there. At least not me and my kids. 😸

Raj is surely not entirely familiar with my ever-evolving ideas and perspectives, which are continually shaped by my nonstop growth. And men often feel threatened, don't they? Even though they get to do whatever they want career-wise and family-wise, and they get to make decisions for whatever they like. That kind of privilege, at least I personally have never tasted. I guess you need to have it to feel the threat of losing it. I never had it, so I don't feel threatened; I'm merely trying to survive and live a full life, maybe according to what I like, a little bit, someday. 

I sincerely don't think that whatever is happening to the boys and men in the patriarchal world applies to my son. I don't understand why this is happening, and I also don't have the energy to spend on it. I have a limited amount of energy to only focus on my son, that's a case-by-case analysis. And yes, I don't think I've detected any potential problems in his development. That's that then. 

And I'll never forget what I saw just a week ago on Santa Cruz beach, while I was watching the kids dipping in and out of the waves: Shiv came, joining Aditi and some other kids she met on the spot, they were chasing and running away from the waves. This shorter Latino boy was playing together, every time he felt a little tumbling on his feet because of the wave, Shiv stretched his arm out to reach him, giving him a hand. It was not entirely needed, actually, because the Latino boy was playing like that for the past half an hour with Aditi, under my watch. Shiv held up his arm long enough that each time the Latino boy ended up holding onto Shiv's hand, even though he knew it was not really necessary. Shiv was digging up holes with a different group of known friends from Santa Cruz in a different location; he had just joined Aditi and this group of random kids who were playing with the waves. Upon his arrival, he was able to give his hand to a complete stranger, just to take care of him and make sure he was 100% safe. 

That is my boy. He is not timid, and he doesn't need to be aggressive. He will be just fine.  

Prostitute

In the core of any human being, one thing I take very seriously is whether this person respects women most fundamentally. For men, respecting women means they give regard to women's experiences, they treat our physical differences as normality, even though men's bodies naturally desire women's, and men are generally bigger and stronger. On a higher level, they are curious about our health, our happiness, or the way we perceive the world, which is entirely different from theirs.   

Most men in this world don't have that in them. They didn't grow up that way, nobody taught them properly, and the various societies they came from did a poor job. Some societies are even going backwards, doing a worse job now compared to before: pushing women down, stepping on them, and punishing them. America, China for sure, maybe India, and all Muslim predominant countries. 

I am a woman who was and still is being punished by Chinese society. The men in the society use me as a "living example". None of the things about me on the Chinese internet are true, and whatever they fabricated in 2021, the exact duplicate content, they keep reposting. 

I still receive nasty comments from Chinese internet users daily on my new YouTube accounts. Of course, I needed to set up those YT accounts after my almost 10k account was eliminated. My own fault, but it is what it is. I need a place to share my updates, as well as some old videos, in case people saw those defaming fake articles and searched for me to find out how miserable my life was. 

I recall that in 2021, during the storm, I received tens of thousands of comments daily on my YouTube channel, after all of my Chinese social media handles were deleted and blocked access altogether. People used VPN to find me on YouTube and leave comments. 

Two keywords in most of those comments: Prostitute and Traitor. Actually, Chinese internet users have been using these two keywords on me for more than a decade already, from the beginning I was online and started actively promoting different cultures, in 2009. I have gotten used to internet violence, and it has toughened me overall. Part of the crucial growth in my 20s and 30s. 

Today itself, there were at least five comments across my new YouTube accounts with the keyword "prostitute". 

I actually do not understand this discrimination towards prostitutes. Aren't they doing jobs to support themselves? Isn't it the oldest job humankind could think of? Doesn't the work provide a great deal of necessary service for men? 

I have immense respect for prostitutes. In fact, one of my favorite classics is "The Lady of the Camellias" by Alexandre Dumas fils. I read it when I was 9, 11, 14, and 16, can't remember how many times, progressing from an abridged version to a comic-like version with black-and-white drawings, and then to the original copy. I sobbed for days, maybe weeks, each time I read it. When I was a teen, I thought to myself: when I grew up, if I ought to be a writer, I should somehow experience this kind of life in person. Maybe a side job related to this field when I reach 20, like the young adults who work to put themselves through college in those American movies. I have had an open mind since a very young age, it's just that life has always treated me well financially. It's always a trade-off. 

The classic tragedies from all walks of life taught me to look beyond the obvious and see through things. And in reality, I hold strippers in a very high regard, I believe you gotta be gifted by the Gods and Goddesses with perfect bodies to master this job. I dream of measuring up to it, and I know that practice can help compensate for my body's shortcomings. Perhaps I could be a successful one with my own niche market, regardless of my age. 

I understand where they come from when they leave nasty comments on my accounts, calling me a prostitute; but they won't understand why that doesn't affect me at all, based on my experiences from a teen till today. We are from entirely different systems.

So, am I a prostitute? My answer is this: whatever answer you formed in your mind regarding me, it is only an indication of your own life path, your experiences and understanding of your own world. It says a lot about what kind of world you are coming from, too. And you have all the freedom in the world to forge your own opinions about anything, including me. Although most of the time people mistake the derivation of brainwashing-induced quick views to freedom. Keep an eye out for that. The thinking regarding me your mind cultivates provides me no value about myself, but only about the thinking my mind cultivates about you. And to that, I only have a limited amount of interest and energy to draw a very generalized picture from the tens of thousands, maybe millions, of your comments. 

So am I a prostitute? That's a great question and the right one to ask!

Sometimes maybe you just want to see me being here, 

spoke for 4 minutes but actually conveyed nothing?

Strawberries

Been in this Starbucks for more than a month now. The cute cashier who remembered my name today told the cashier who was serving me that "She is Momo". The Cameroonian guy with whom I always share a table chatted a little with me, telling me he might go back to Cameroon at the end of the year, after twenty times of smile and "Can I sit here?" or "Hey, you again, can I sit here?" I told him about our summer plans. And the cute young Latino cashier brought the coffee I ordered to the table for me while I was busy chatting with the Cameroonian. 

Human connections. Always what I have been looking for. Random chats in the street make me happy. Random in the sense that it's a total mix of people, no specific purpose of being there, just passing by. Chat a little about our respective lives, what bothers us, what makes us happy, and what's happening right now that catches our attention. 

Whenever kids look at me, I smile at them. Kids often stare at people, and most people don't notice. I don't pay 100% attention, but if I see it, I 100% would smile at them. 

Most people you meet in life, you only meet for once. Recurrence is extremely rare. With whoever I meet and catch a little of my attention, I give my 100%, because I know from the next second until the end, they will not be there. Maybe at the very end, when we all go back to be a part of the Gods/Goddesses, you'll see them and remember them again. But in the Earthy life, ya, nice to meet ya and farewell. 

There are some places or things I wanted to revisit, but most of the time, that doesn't happen. Subconsciously, I always know. Hence, wherever new I go or whatever new I do, I take a trip of it. Entirely immerse myself in the experience. Like that time when I went to Walmart to buy Magnums. Walmart is not my usual route, I took a trip to enjoy Walmart. I got my Magnums. Stopped to talk to the Latino guys outside who were selling fresh strawberries and cherries. They asked me while I was stepping in, and when I saw them again while stepping out, I couldn't say no. Inside Walmart I talked to multiple people about where to find Magnums and how to pay etc. Walmart was ancient, they didn't have G-pay or A-pay, I had to fetch a physical card.  

I Venmoed the Latino guys, got a whole box of strawberries and a bag of cherries. Cherries were for Maa, she loves cherries. The Latino guys used the same Venmo account, which belonged to their "boss". I was wondering how that worked, how they knew who sold how much. Basically, I bought from both of them because I just couldn't say no to either. Paid two times, but to the same Venmo account. Guess it's essentially a family business, with the "boss" most likely being their brother or cousin. 

I miss the Yemeni guys who work in the vegetable market in Hayward. I haven't visited there for months! Even after my parents returned to China, I grew accustomed to bulk-buying at Costco because there was always something to purchase for Maa - new shoes, pants, socks, hats, vitamins, creams, and many gifts to bring back to India. The vegetables and fruits are always so fresh in their market! The young guys work there; their uncle owns it. It's also a family business. I enjoy spending time getting to know their stories - how they ran away from Yemen and settled here, how many months/years they got stuck in which country; who are here with wife and kids; whose wife still back in Yemen; where they kids go to school to or why their kids don't go to school. I will surely go back for a visit before the end of June, when our summer trip starts. 

Finished the gift shopping for the coming trip. Filled two whole suitcases, one big one and one small, for a total of 45kg, all gifts, for London, China, and India. I can already imagine the happiness that people experience when they receive their gifts, especially in India. One time we spent Durga Puja in the village, and I prepared a whole suitcase of kids' stuff - nice toys, books, stationery, and candies/chocolates. The village kids crowded around me and politely took turns to get their gifts. They were sooooo happy, which made me sooooo happy. This time we'll spend a few days in the village again, because the new Shiva temple we funded to construct is almost done. Oh India, whenever we are there, we carry a loooot of cash and give it away to whoever helps us, drivers, carriers, guides, cleaners, cashiers, servers, you name it. The gratitude on people's faces was so sincere, a testament to the respect and cherishing they felt. 

A batch of kids, from the family helper's (leftmost) family, who lived in the village,

 arrived to get sweets, a tradition during Durga Puja or any Indian festival. 

Little did they know that they would get sweets, toys, and all kinds of stuff 😁

2018 October

After I purchased the whole box of strawberries, I drove back home. When I was exiting the highway, a man stood there with a sign. I drove past him, couldn't stop. So I drove forward and stopped the car at a parking lot, took out 3 baskets of strawberries from the total of 6, put them in a plastic bag, and drove back to the highway exit. I stopped my car on the side, rolled down my window, called the man, and gave him the bag. He was so happy. I wish I could do more, but sometimes I don't carry cash or a whole box of fresh strawberries! 

Raj told me when I was giving him massages last night, "You're free, you know. I read your blog, and I don't want you to feel that you're trapped here. I never wanted to chain you down, I was only afraid that you could get your heart broken. But if you want, you are free to love whoever you want in whatever way you want. Remember that I'm always here for you, you can always fall back." "Hmmmm, well, thank you. And ya, I was just in a bad mood, don't worry. I'll think about it later. I'm not in any rush lol!"