California sunshine
Nate is 21 years old. He finished his third year at a private Catholic university in July 2025 and is currently taking a gap year to travel, explore where he might want to settle down, and discover himself. After this summer, he will return to the Midwest to complete his fourth year and plans to start working in 2027. (Drafted this part sometime before, and the situation has become that Nate is now working with one of the promising AI startups in our circle, office in Palo Alto. And he said he has realized that California is home, he wants to settle down in San Francisco eventually. )
Nate is a good person - a responsible and caring son and brother. He is sensible, sensitive, attentive, and charismatic. I think it’s safe to say he had a wonderful upbringing, which is evident in his manners, his attitude toward relationships, and his excellent taste in music, movies, and contemporary culture. Even though he attended a private Catholic high school and university, his upbringing was secular. His parents are not religious (growing up in the Bay Area, of course), while he is on his own journey of seeking God and spirituality, or as he calls it, the "source."
What happened was we just met like that in Harbin, in one of the hottest pools, while we were enjoying natural hot springs in the nude. We came to Harbin with a bunch of lifestyle friends that day, November 7th, 2025. Nate came by himself as his paternal grandpa's funeral in San Jose was delayed by a week.
It was evening, the sun was setting fast. Our friends were still arriving, and Raj was fetching something from our cabin. As I walked into the small hot pool alone, I overheard a conversation and replied to an older man - I’m not sure why I used the word "tripping."
Right after I got comfortable and leaned against the pool wall, Nate turned to me and asked, "Tripping, you said?"
A younger but very mature, handsome man, I thought. In his 30s, maybe 40s? I’m not that familiar with white men and their ages, but I can certainly reply to him; he has such an attractive, soothing, deep voice.
I’m pretty sure the same thought crossed Nate's mind:
An older, but not that old, young woman in her 30s, maybe late 20s. I can definitely talk to her.
Actually, we talked about this during our first time at Yoshi’s. I think he asked why I had spoken to him in the pool. I forgot my exact answer, but it must have been, "Well, why not? You’re a handsome young man!" Then I asked, "Why did you talk to me?"
He replied, "Do you have any idea how hot you are? You are sooooo fucking hot! The whole time, I was hoping to have sex with you. It was like a dream come true."
Since we met, Nate and I have been chatting and trying to meet up, both in groups and solo. We are naturally attracted to each other - very much so - drawn to each other's energy, physiology, personalities, and the experiences that made us who we are.
Both of us are extremely open; we say whatever we want and express our feelings exactly as they are. I often tell him, "I'm really attracted to you," or "You're so hot/cute," and he never hesitates to say the same.
I told Nate from the very beginning, "I thought our last meetup would be the last time." Until maybe the seventh or eighth time we met, I truly believed things would abruptly end. Ending encounters with single men has become the norm for me over the past few years, somehow.
"So far, I’ve never seen a single guy more than five times," I told him. "It is what it is. It's nobody's fault or intention; people just get busy with their own lives. Most importantly, single guys often just want to taste a little bit of everything and move on. I will never be their destination."
To this, Nate would always reply, "But you don't think we are over, do you? I don't want us to be over, not yet."
I truly cherish what we have - the understanding and the connection we’ve built. It is true that Nate is currently at a - to use his own words - "commission-free" stage of life, which is perhaps why he has stuck around longer than the others, with much more free time to spare. (Also drafted this part before he secured the startup intern/ full time job. Now he's busy working.)
Because I’ve been so close to him over the past three and a half months, I have experienced everything I once wanted with "my guy," but a hundred times better than I could have ever imagined. Nate is an absolutely incredible lover in that sense. Because of him, I am now completely over "that guy"; those feelings of "being in love" have receded into a distant, faint memory. I told Nate this and thanked him for it.
The woman without expectations
I never doubted my ability to build meaningful romantic relationships with people from any walk of life or age range. A 21-year-old with me, a 41-year-old? It has never once triggered a moment of questioning or hesitation in my mind - not even once.
Nate and I are naturally a great couple, requiring little effort. We are both inquisitive and eager to learn; we would both die for novel experiences and allow ourselves to be vulnerable - even "dumb" - when facing the unknown. We are both wild and free-spirited, leading lives without regrets. We share so many interests: we love to travel, to write, and to experience music and theater. We both absolutely adore places like Harbin that encourage nudity in natural spring waters. We share the exact same feeling of being "aliens" in this world, and we agree on how often the world proves to be a disappointment. We are both extremely sensitive and can sense our environment with a sort of "sixth sense." We connect deeply through our conversations and an intellectual exchange of minds in a way most people couldn't.
"If I were younger and without other commitments, I could be with you like this for days and nights. We would have non-stop sex and fun. We are so cute together, no?" I told him this once after spending a few hours together, chatting in a sun-drenched park, walking through the Hayward city center, holding hands, and sharing a little "sexy time" in my car.
"Oh, thank God you think that way," he replied. "I don't want to be the only person who feels this way about our relationship."
But as my relationship with Nate grew, and as our understanding and trust broadened, I realized I couldn't move forward without setting a timer for this romantic encounter because of his age.
I find myself always returning to the exact same idea: he does not, in any sense, belong to me. Yes, I am 100% capable, but it would be terribly wrong to keep him - to lock him in, or chain him down, whatever the words. It's all an experience with a time limit, both for me and for him. Beyond that, we don't belong together, even though he is single.
The first time we met, I thought that was it - another one-time thing. The second time we played, I thought that was it: two times was the charm. The third time we played solo, I thought, yeah, it's about time, maybe I should say goodbye now. I tried; I tried marking lines, clarifying expectations ("friends only" in the long term), and pushing him away. But we haven't succeeded at any of that. He always comes back, and I do, too. If we haven't met in person for a while, we both become very sad and miss each other.
At this point, I simply don't know where we will be next month or next year. I make no commitment to him, and I set no expectations. One thing that remains unchanged is that I know I have a timer set on our relationship. I don't know when it will end, but I know it will.
"When you are ready for a family like you've always dreamed of, most probably you would find a woman to give you that through a monogamous relationship," I told him. "Just please let me know then, and don't hide anything from me. I would never stand in your way because I would hate to hurt another woman."
"I hope I would never need to make such choices," he replied. "Whew, what a tough night for Nate!"
The husband
I don’t know how I got so lucky to have a husband like Raj. He supports me in all of my endeavors and wants me to live life on my own terms; he wants me to experience everything I desire. He never gets jealous; instead, he helps me plan my dates with other men and acts as my most loyal bodyguard.
But Raj would never want to "open up" our relationship, evading even the slightest risk of losing me. Since he is so adamant about it - as if the only thing that matters in his life is keeping our relationship closed - I couldn’t help but respect that.
So, this is us: exploring polyamorous-style activities without actually being in the poly scene.
In the end, we are all just "aliens" trying to make sense of a disappointing world by creating our own small, private pockets of joy.
I look at Nate and see a man discovering his "source," and I realize my role isn't to be his destination, but his most vivid chapter. One day, he will seek the monogamy he dreams of, and I will be the one to gently close the door so he can open a new one. It isn’t a tragedy; it’s a tribute.
I don't need a map for where we are going, because my compass always points back to Raj. We exist in this strange, shimmering loophole - a place where I can be wild with Nate, yet safely held by the man who would never let me go.
For now, the timer is ticking, but the music is still playing, and I’ve decided to keep dancing until the room goes quiet.
