The swag

I've known Hayden since my kids first started classes at SoR about four years ago. However, it wasn't until recently that I felt they had finally begun to consider me "one of them." This wasn't the case even after I joined the adult band two years ago and had two seasons with them in the same group. For a long time, Hayden treated me respectfully, as a normal parent who was always inquiring about class schedules and music-related matters, or as a bandmate who might come and go with different seasons.

Hayden works at the front desk of SoR and, therefore, joins the adult band free of charge. They are a true musician and artist and are the lead vocalist for the Thursday adult band. They are about 5'11", with a slightly chubby build and a belly, but still a very masculine frame. They wear a necklace with a pink pendant shaped like a cute little girl with side pigtails. When they stand up in high heels, the pendant is at the same height as my eyes. The most common words on their T-shirts or jackets are "Down With Patriarchy," often with a painting of Mother Earth. They have a long-term female partner.

I actually don't remember if they used to dress in conventionally feminine attire since I've known them. At least for the past half-year or so, they have appeared much more often in oversized earrings, headbands, women's trench coats, cloaks, shawls, high heels, and skirts. Musicians these days all apply nail polish themselves - not from a Vietnamese nail salon - and that's a given. Hayden also always has half-torn black nail polish on their nails.

At each season-end performance, Hayden, together with Ludmila, puts on a grand show with an exaggerated style of dress, makeup, and stage presence. It is always a sight to behold. We would cheer and dance for them before or after our Wednesday band's performance. One of Hayden's most iconic stage outfits was a needle skirt, fishnet stockings, and black high heels. They were rocking it so hard, and we were screaming and dancing for them just as hard.

I say that Hayden now considers me "one of their own" because they have opened up to me much more over the past half-year. It could be because, after all these seasons, they finally realized what kind of a wild and open person or musician I am, just like themselves. Or perhaps it's because I now openly identify as bisexual and intentionally wear rainbow earrings to help my people recognize me. It could also be because Ludmila, who is their wildest BFF, sometimes talks about me with them. In any case, I now often find myself having extended conversations with Hayden about music, clothes, performance, and all, after they help me reschedule my kids' and my lessons. I always find myself truly amazed by their creative outfits. When I sincerely compliment them, they often come out from behind the front desk to do a little twirl for me so I can see up close. I appreciate Hayden for daring to live their most authentic self, and I cherish their presence in my life.

Two weeks ago, Ludmila and I met in the parking lot while waiting for our kids to finish their music lessons, and we started discussing our show outfits. Ludmila got very excited about my rapper's role this season; she's well-known for putting enormous effort into stage outfits. I believe I had the wildest laughs for days - the entire shopping square could hear our hysterical wails! It was Ludmila who came up with all the ideas: my husband's high-waist boxers underneath, long, dragging jeans sagging on my butt, huge gold chains with dollar signs, and an exaggerated baseball cap. We also practiced our swags. Ludmila actually went on Amazon, found the exact items, and sent them to me. I bought whatever she sent because I love her and value her opinions. For me, this was already half the fun - enjoying the process with friends.

I sent Ludmila a photo of myself in the outfit, and she absolutely loved it. It turned out she had forwarded it to Hayden, and they loved it too. Today, I chatted with them again at the front desk, appreciating their outfit - an off-white onesie with high heels. They then suggested their video-making service. It's Hayden's personal business, making professional music videos of live shows. They have five cameras, a cameraman, audio recorders, and they edit intensely according to the theme. I immediately purchased the video for one of my rap songs, "Just a Friend," for 200 dollars. I'm very interested in keeping some professional show videos of myself like that, and I also want to support them.

Now, with the pressure of making a professional video, I'm practicing "Just a Friend" like a maniac, trying to memorize all the lyrics so I don't make any mistakes on stage tomorrow. I took the kids to their robotics class, picked them up in one and a half hours, bought them pani puri at an Indian grocery store, and we ate dinner at an Indian restaurant. Then I dropped them off at fencing class. I also went to Starbucks and spent hours there while waiting for the kids. I did all of this with the swag - with my jean jacket and my "Bulls" baseball cap, the lyrics of "Just a Friend" were bubbling out of my mouth nonstop as my hands and my body constantly made rapper moves. People at the Indian grocery and restaurant were watching me. Some people even gave me dirty looks because, most probably, they don't like women who dress and act like men and sleep with women. We didn't fit into their tiny, dark boxes about themselves and the society they created. 

But guess what, I thoroughly enjoyed my little adventure in "cross-dressing". I've always enjoyed acting like a man since a very young age because girls were considered secondary, useless, stupid, and weak. In China, while I was growing up, only men and boys were highly regarded. All of my dad's bootlickers would compliment me, saying, "Wow, the daughter looks exactly like her dad - so smart, so leader-like, so much like a son!" "She has her dad's walk," they would say. For the longest time, I never knew how to "act like a girl." I never really learned to comb my hair - in fact, I never had long hair. I never liked wearing skirts and regarded myself as "different in a better way" from girls who wore them. I walked, stood, and sat like a boy whenever I was aware of my body language or acting in my student leader roles. I feel absolutely natural in men's attire, and I can pull off a man's look at any given moment. All those boys who were in love with me must have observed me long and closely enough to see my even more natural girly side and experience my outbursting feminine energy, especially when I couldn't help but fall in love with boys.

I love my journey in music performance and in lifestyle. Essentially, they are two sides of the same coin: a search for the truth about myself. I feel like a fish that is made of water, swims in water, and can change forms to whatever I feel like. My body is part of my host environment, and my mind is not locked up in dark boxes. To thrive in music performance or lifestyle - in fact, any form of art - requires a person to have an extremely open mind and an open heart. They should be ready to accept themselves in different forms, shapes, and existences so as to truly enjoy it. Unsurprisingly, their attitude towards other people, in forms they have never previously encountered, would also remain open as a result. Places like the Bay Area are the perfect breeding ground for people like that. We are forever being challenged and pushed to be more fluid and tolerant. However, to successfully meet truly open and honorable people and include them in your life is a rare thing; it doesn't happen that often, even here in the Bay Area. On any given day, I would be wholeheartedly glad to take in friends who are as honest, wild, and open-minded as that, whether on my music journey, my lifestyle journey, or anywhere possible.