Fear

Was helping my daughter take shower, and heard my son talking to my mom about something but in a loud voice and in distress. I left my daughter in the shower and went to my son. He was obviously very angry. Sometimes he gets annoying, but today I think he was emotionally disturbed. 

What happened was when my parents were "deep cleaning" my children's room today, my dad tore down and threw away Shiva's art hanging down from the ceiling. Shiva made it a few weeks ago while we had the big playdate. It was to welcome his friends to play in his room. Basically just a thread and a bunch of paper sticking to it. Guess he tried to imitate those "happy birthday" banners, but with sticky notes where he drew and wrote on them. 

"Why did you tear his art?"

"It felt off and what exactly was it? Does it have any value? After so many weeks it's not enough? Why keep hanging? I only threw it in the dustbin ok? (It could have been thrown out completely!)" My dad's voice was rapidly getting five folds louder and his temper spiraled out of control. Within seconds he got into an attacking stance as if he was entitled to be furious because Shiva was complaining in a rude manner. Plus I sided with Shiva right away.

My mom quickly slammed the door of their bedroom, and my dad's explosive lashing was instantly blocked away. I also quietly shut my children's door.

"They never respect me too ok? When I was young all of my art never got to be saved, some art I really spent a lot of time making and collecting, but one day I came back home, it all disappeared. I questioned them, only getting shouted at and blamed. I never got to keep anything from my youth.

But that's my dad ok. It's not yours. Mommy and papa respect you, right? We keep your artworks, right? We allow you to put up your art and decorate your room by yourself, right? I never got to put any art on the wall of my room. Not even one picture I drew. It will be torn off for sure the next day. That's why mommy never liked drawing and painting too much, no? But mommy can draw very well, no?

Mommy grew up like that, never was respected, not even now, did mommy turn into a bad person? Sometimes mommy gets angry and shouts at you, no? Mommy really couldn't help it. Mommy grew up being shouted at like crazy and everybody else shouted at each other like crazy. All of mommy's artworks were trashed, and all of mommy's pets, my fishes, my silkworms, the cat, the dog, they were all killed in a bad way. So mommy really couldn't help it that sometimes mommy gets really angry.

But I really try my best to respect you, ok? I preserve your artworks, I let you choose what you want to do, I listen to you, I discuss things with you, and I respect your opinion on things. Why? Because I don't want you to be like me and my dad, easily getting very angry. I want you to be calmer. You can get angry sometimes of course. If my artworks got torn down, I will explode too. Especially since you always get the freedom to put up your work anywhere. But I want you to be able to control your emotions better than I. Actually, you are already better than me, what am I talking about? 

Yes, you can get angry, but there's no need to shout at my dad ok? He is only my dad, not yours, right? All you need to care about is how your mommy and papa treating you. My dad is too used to treat people like that, he also can't help it and he won't change ok? So mommy wants you to forgive and forget. Just forgive and forget, like what I did my whole life. Mommy never is angry for too long, no? You too, don't get bothered, no need to shout. Forgive it and forget about it. Mommy is on your side, no? That's the most important thing. Let's keep the banner now on the desk, wait until tomorrow when you have time, you make a new and better one based on the old one, and stick it up again on the ceiling, ok?"

My son listened to it without a tiny bit of fuss, cooled down entirely, started to feel bad for me right away, and got excited about making a new one tomorrow. That's my son, a priceless golden heart.

When we came back from Europe on June 14th, the first thing I noticed was all the artworks of my children were gone. They were sticking up or hanging on the wall. My dad couldn't help but threw all of them away. The lanterns my son made for his sister's birthday, the watercolor paintings my children did, and different kinds of crafting projects. All gone.

I got mad actually. Only my mom was downstairs that time, I exploded and questioned her why they always threw away children's arts. Did they ask permission? At least ask my permission to throw away all of my children's art, alright? My mom didn't reply at all and after a few minutes I also quickly ran back to my room. 

So the hanging homemade welcome banner which was made with sticky notes looked like those hanging yellow square-shaped cloth in Tibetan/Nepali culture. That most probably got my dad super annoyed, even trigged some fundamental fear I assume. 

The fear which is deeply rooted in the ruthless communist regime, fear of art, fear of culture, fear of humanity, and fear of expression. Any form of individual expression is a form of individual freedom. And individual freedom is the worst fear of the regime. 

Never

Can't stress this enough: how did I get so lucky?

Suddenly arrived at a whole new world in which I need to pick up a bunch of cutting-edge concepts, be part of the brain and decision-making, manage a whole group of people, as well as go out there, meet influential people and get funding. I will have an enormous responsibility as well as independence to lead and act. We are going to build up a strong community, train our warriors and arm them up.  

After 8+ years of being a full-time mommy, I barely made any effort to get this opportunity, dang...

Am I ready this time? I have been asking myself this question over and over again.

I guess I was ready a long time ago, at least part of me was ready: my ability, my skills, and all that potential. But I was not 100% confident and self-assured, perhaps.

What did happen to me for the past 8+ years? If I have to use one word to summarize, it is Confidence. 

I had given birth, I have been raising my children good, I have grown mature in dealing with all of my relationships, I have been an extremely active contributor to my community in various roles, I have been through all the ups and downs with my roots and I didn't hesitate to take my steps to get to where I really want to go, being a free thinker, a writer, and a freedom fighter. 

All of us, deep down a little wild. Some of us are notoriously wild, like me. Nobody ever gets to tell us what's possible and we will never stop fighting and following the deepest calling inside of our beating hearts. 

Open too. Years of wading in water and mud only broadened our hearts and vision, stretched as wide as the borderless ocean and sky.   

We will never stop fighting. 

I will never stop fighting. 

Don't even think! 

Balance

While chatting today, suddenly got super annoyed by Raj who kept interrupting and trying to "correct" me. 

"Isn't it what you always do? You are always right, I am always wrong. Can't even wait for me to finish my own thoughts? I don't actually know where my thoughts lead me to okay? I put myself into vulnerable positions like this because I trust you and enjoy our discussions. I allow myself to form my thoughts while talking to you, otherwise, I will be fully prepared beforehand and also in a stance of ready to defend and attack. If you don't even allow me to finish my thoughts, not only you will have absolutely no chance to change any of my thinking, I will as well leave you out of it, instead, go back to my own world and finish it in my own way by myself. If you wanna have your influence, learn to 'hear me out' first. Then you can help me by adding facts into it, that's how you get your influence."  

Then five minutes later...

"Sorry baby I got so agitated. Guess what happened in the past two weeks? Who I have been talking a lot to? Yes, exactly, we did so much talking, didn't we? And both of them, either it's in their nature or they acquired that skill from experience, so patient with me, kept listening to me, and asked questions so I was the one who kept spilling out my mind. I think it's both in their nature, as well as the way they were raised and grew mature in society. You know in China the environment for women is way better than in India. And averagely, either in their life or work, they are in closer contact with women. They have more professional relationships with women compared to Indians in the 'startup world'. You guys only know how to work with men, not many women indeed in your workspace especially not in close relationships with you."

I like it, having close relationships with not only your husband, not letting one man dominate your world. 

Usually, women have their fathers/brothers to bring about the important power balance. I have no brothers, but my dad did do it, in my early years with different men and Raj. Nowadays I feel like kind of losing a bit from that front because the mutual ground between my father and I have been shaky and impacted hugely by the environment. 

The five years I was working I had that balance too, with the same people. Now I'm only getting it back. And I love it.

Getting ready

Don't know if it's anxiety or excitement. It's gonna be a big change for sure, for my life. Maybe I couldn't even anticipate it to the full scale. Or maybe it's nothing, nothing that major, just some alteration in the schedule. 

I don't know what to think.

All I know is that now I have lived through childbirth and raising children, I have navigated through the storm of nationwide persecution and the violence of Cultural Revolution. 

I don't think I act more mature now, especially nowadays I'm always 5 seltzers' high when having family gatherings and parties, most things I say at parties, won't remember the next day. But surely, something got tougher inside.  

Not sure if my oral English got better? Depends on how much alcohol I took I guess. 2 bottles, significantly better, 4 bottles, drop to negative 5. Got to pick up all those specialized words and terms for work, got to be prepared to present and communicate. 

Maybe I'm mentally and emotionally ready, right? I think so. Sometimes maybe that's all that matters. 

Will I be able to put aside the stress and emotional impact of work? Can I find a good balance of caring enough to fight for the cause and being able to temporarily escape if feeling suffocated? 

Promised myself I will always be open and straightforward. Promised myself I will never think low of myself, and maintain a power balance but not imbalance with all colleagues and counterparties, no matter who they are. Promised myself I will stay firm and confident. 

I don't think I have any doubt in my ability to learn and master, whatever skill that's needed to deliver. Back then, it had always involved a lot of self-learning and exploring. Everything is changing in seconds, what I need truly is the stamina to sit through the research and learning. Most of the time I will have to teach myself the fundamentals of different fields and areas, something I completely had no idea before. But that's the fun part of life, no?  

At the end of the day, I think the best value I can bring to the table is being a solid and trustworthy friend. Now after all these years you know that's the most important thing to lead a happy life. Such a friend either as a family member or life partner or colleague or friend friend, the people who get to have them are truly lucky. Can't control the number of such I am entitled to, but at least I can be one of such for the others. 

I guess I am ready then. Ready to start a new chapter, ready to move on. Ready to get back there and march on. 

The India I love

Happy Independence Day India! 

It was a true independence after decades of peaceful nonviolent movements and democratic readiness. It has been a true democracy from the beginning of independence because diversity, tolerance and pluralism are deeply rooted in Indian culture and history. 

None of the Asian countries achieved it by themselves, like the way India did. 

So for all Indians, no matter where you are, remember that the word "India" represents multiculturalism, tolerance, diversity, and nonviolence. 

Never let anyone brainwash you into the oblivion of exclusion, intolerance, and ignorance. 

Only upholding the values of diversity and tolerance can ensure a democratic and republic future, nothing else.

Writer's job

Psychiatric treatment

Just a few days before, Raj made that comment about "you are so much better with your parents this time, not so many, almost no crazy fights for the past 9 months". We analyzed a whole list of reasons. Was thinking about writing them down, but got way too busy, binged "Indian Matchmaking" in 3 nights.

But then that day, I broke my keyboard. Threw it on the floor, a few keys fell out, Raj put them back. I don't think I was angry with my parents at all, nothing special got added on, just couldn't control my emotions. Pretty crazy the moment after waking up in the morning, like a fireball rolling and bursting out furious flames, burning everything to ashes. When I was young, they been acting like this quite regularly no? Once a few months, once a month, once two weeks, throwing furniture at each other, screaming at the top of their lungs, and the coldness would usually last for a few days, I just hide in the dark and cry.

Later that afternoon, felt the blood flowing down. Sometimes menstruation does push me to the extreme side of the mental spectrum. Not too often, but when it goes, quite scary. Luckily Raj has become such a veteran on this. 

Was trying to book COVID tests so they could get greenlight to board the flight back to China. Said something, they replied some mean things back. Then all I could remember was throwing my keyboard and cursing my dear leader for 5 minutes. Cursed him, cursed his dad, cursed his son that he doesn't have, cursed his whole family, in English. I guess my kids are at school now, finally regained my liberty to openly curse my dear leader and throw things in the house lol. 

Went out for a drive for an hour, listened to some songs, carried on but was able to stop myself from some out-of-my-mind thoughts, wept like a baby. Got art supplies for horse riding summer camp. Came back and apologized. 

"Absolutely nothing to do with you. It's because of my period, I just couldn't control my emotions... I was only shouting at the computer screen. Not you. Not you."

Then when I came back home at 8pm after a whole afternoon's teaching, coaching and chatting at horse riding summer camp, soccer practice and Taekwondo studio, made kids do great art, ran with the kids until jacket was soaked, and chatted "everything about TW" with a new TW mommy friend from Taekwondo class, Raj came to the garage and quietly told me, "Your mom talked to me today for half an hour. Using Google translate."

"What did she say to you??"

"She asked me to take you to a hospital. They think you are mentally sick, need a doctor, need medicine."

"Ya, they been calling me psycho for years. They literally call me 'sick in the head' or 'mentally ill', because of what I was writing and sharing in Chinese. Told you many times no?" 

"She said 'Why she has to comment on politics? Why she needs to know? We are only very small people, we just want to survive. Politics has nothing to do with small people like us.' I told her 'That's the difference between places without freedom and with freedom. People who live in democratic societies participate in politics, discussion is a very crucial part.'"

"Oh, because I was cursing my dear leader today morning right?"

"She said you don't love them, don't talk to them, you don't come to the kitchen. I told her this is a mutual feeling, they also need to respect you and try to listen to you, which they never do anyways. I told them they don't respect you at all. And you do try to help clean a lot, but they take over everything, right after they arrive, no? I can never cook anymore in the kitchen, and cooking is something I love to do."

"See, told you so, if you were a Chinese, we would be manipulated to death, and maybe eventually be split by them. The worst is if your Chinese parents were the same as them, we would be so doomed, kids would be literally raised up and brainwashed by grandparents..." 

"She said you don't earn any money, you are just a housewife, why doing all those things here and there, rather focusing on making food and arranging things at home, focusing on being a good housewife. I told her you are very happy and you are very good at anything you do. I told her making money is not important to you and you are very respected by the community, you have a lot of students and friends."

"Waa, waa, waa. Now you are rich, you become my parents' better son that they never had?"

"Ya, they are really concerned, they think you need medical help, some psychiatric evaluation, isolation and medicine kind of treatment. I keep telling her you are good, you are happy, you are healthy, you are stable, you have absolutely no problem at all."

"Good, that's why I'm with you instead of staying in China lol. Will eventually end up in a mental hospital and never see the outside world anymore, no?"