Daydream [Roe v. Wade No.7]

I thought I fled authoritarianism, propaganda, and brainwashing;

I thought I landed in a place that protects religious freedom and individual rights;

I thought I gave my children, especially my daughter a more equal and brighter future so she doesn't need to grow up to be unfairly judged based on her gender and skin color;

and I thought she could soar in a land of opportunities and maybe one day she could achieve what most women before her couldn't. 

With now one of the women's fundamental rights being taken down, I don't know what more would be taken away. 

From her and from my son, non-white, non-Christian, sexual orientation is not yet defined. 

And the dream of my children having better opportunities and environment? 

Will it turn into merely a daydream eventually?

These hypocrites make me puke

 The reason I'm with this man for life ❤

Suffocation [Roe v. Wade No.6]

I don't know if this is normal, but it's getting so weird for me. 

Never intended to pick a place for my children from the medieval dark age, but that vibe keeps popping up on my face more and more invasively.

Was it always like this or I just never noticed? Bumper stickers, billboards, random signs on someone's lawn "God this" "God that" "He this" "He that". Churches now hang up way bigger and imposing words with celebration: "God saves America".

Suffocates me. 

This whole thing changed my tolerance level.

Why people so entitled? 

God? To me, your god now associates with white supremacy, women's oppression, minority exclusion, and all that. 

I know, it's supposed to be ginormous progress compared to evil colonization, cruel exploitation, and blood & brain-sucking, on people with darker skin, on cultures that were different, on foreign lands that were peaceful and fertile. 

At this point I realized, I could not feel genuine tolerance and acceptance. I could not see open minds and open hearts. 

No matter how much progress people under god might make, huge risk of regress. 

Because monotheism is a cage for free spirit. And only free spirit brings upon openheartedness.

Maybe that's not the intention of your god. 

Of course, that's not the intention of your god! 

Your god would be covering his face with mortification: "This is not what I wanted to teach you people!!!"

"I was assigned to you by accident! My colleagues are having a party at this moment, I am only supposed to hold up your sad asses' misery for a short time before they return!"  

I can only face your god with tranquility in my heart when he is naked, humble, kind, and embracing. Humane and naturally flawed like all of the goddesses and gods who had resided inside of me. 

Through your lenses, your god suffocates me. 

With all that said, I remain forever an underdog trying to break free. 

Therefore I told my husband, "Let's get the fuck outta here all winter holidays!"

So he's buying tickets for this winter. Whenever school is done, we are out af.

Roam around like aimless travelers, go about like rootless Gypsies.

Only so, my heart can escape agony and disillusionment. 

Disappointment [Roe v. Wade No.5]

Yes Raj was angry from day one when the draft was leaked. "Are you angry because you love the women in your life?" "Ya, partly. However, it's also common sense, no?" 

But Raj had always been hopeful. He truly thinks this will pass, and things will stop regressing but continue to progress. In fact, "it could be a good thing because in the wake of extremism of a far-right supreme court, people will start to push back. And you need to fight, go vote, well, in 2025 when you get the citizenship."

For me? I just can't. After many rounds of discussions, we indeed started looking for other options. 

I know, this specific law doesn't affect us at all. I will never get pregnant again and even if we need to, we can fly anywhere in the world. We will also make sure our children stay safe by educating them and keeping an open discussion. 

But the disappointment, the hope that is slowly dimed away. 

I know, I know it has always been a struggle, slavery, color discrimination, class discrimination, gender inequality, immigrant persecution, you name it. I know after push and pull, things move forward, I know in the long run, minorities do rise up and realize their rights. The struggle? It's the beauty of a true republic. 

The question is, do I want to risk being in the downfall if I have the means to be in a better place, for the sake of my children? 

I guess when the draft was leaked, a lot of us still held that small bit of doubt and hope. Now things are crystal clear, reality sinks in, people with capabilities, people who used to be global citizens, people who are not identified as majority in a society minority could potentially be persecuted or at least discriminated/ troubled, would start to look around and figure out. 

It happened before, it might happen again. 

Escaped from one of the biggest cults, I detest any form of authoritarianism, even just the smell of it from 5 km away. Religion, as long as it starts to dictate right vs wrong and strip away my own independent thinking and feelings, for me, they are all cults. Cults that are easily controlled or used by people, people who are as filthy as any old men now and before who ruled over others with absolute power. Most of them fell for greed and lust. 

I know, this is the ultimate curse of us humans who reside in the physical forms. And we are supposed to be stuck in the infinite cycle of ups and downs, rises and falls. Until the final destruction. 

But that flood of disappointment, I wish I could control it by reasoning, but I can't. 

Because I am a woman. I have lived my life through day-to-day sexual harassment, each uninvited touch was a reminder of our inferiority; I have to be regularly thrown under a bus and crushed by wheels, because of the change of hormones that dictates how I can feel and breathe; I have to sacrifice my body and all of my glory and aspiration so to bring other lives into the world and raise them up good, and for the exact reason, I am treated as unworthy, nonessential, secondary, not important, you name it. 

Is there any matter in this world more unfair?    

I had thought America could give me that protection and justice I longed for since the first time my childish pussy was grabbed at 8 years old. But I had been mistaken, for all this time. 

Can I bear to be in a place where I am constantly reminded as being one of the inferior, weak and stupid halves who don't deserve the same fundamental rights and freedom as the stronger, smarter and more beautiful halves? 

This question to me is yet to be answered.    

FUCKING ANGRY [Roe v. Wade No.4]

Now I feel so absolutely lucky to have found a husband 14 years ago who's fundamentally open deep down in his roots. "You know when we were growing up in the village, women weren't used to wearing bras or blouses, maybe just a wrap around, but everything was showing, as men were, naturally, nobody thought anything was wrong with that...All this, body shaming, character daminng, rights snatching, is all about control, you know, power and control. People would use everything to get control over anything." My husband suddenly told me. " So the British colonization which brought upon Victorian style of women suppression really fucked you Indians up big time huh?" "In the bottom of all things, ya, you can say that." Now my husband and I are on the journey of uncovering what's buried there thousands of years ago, and each time we would get a Renaissance shock about how open and pleasant things were, before the....

I'm fucking angry and disappointed, can't even enjoy my sex in the nature!! I had hoped this didn't need to go this far, the medieval of ignorance and stupidity won't overtake, we can get to peacefully teach my children to enjoy the dominating culture and be part of it. At this point, I'm like: naa, I fucking had enough. Nothing is personal here, except the humiliation to women. I'd never grown up in a church mentality and I will make sure my children are far away from any sort of influence from it. I'm perfectly happy with all of my temples and Goddesses, nudity, random chaos and unjudged natural human behaviors. Period.

  

What the fuck is going on? America hijacked by religious maniacs and big steps backward into the dark age of medieval... 

Everyday morning sickness 

Because in the dominating religions, women are men's sub-brunch (or some shit, I don't fucking know the wordings..) women's place is secondary to men and should remain a virgin (or some shit, again, I don't know the fucking wordings ) + birthing machine. 

Exactly how I feel, Each Word. America is Not Free, soon enough won't be the beacon of world. Sad.

https://youtube.com/shorts/xdbzs5abq2s?feature=share

Goddess vs Godass

Blessed be the fruit [Roe v. Wade No.3]

The people who live in their own dark age are taking the whole America into dark age. 

And most ridiculous thing is, those dark age Americans represent all Americans...

blessed be the fruit, being a part of the history

 

The time I could have died if without the privilege of all different kinds of drugs, monitors, equipment and experienced nurses and doctors. Hospital bill came back as $64k, we always joked about "you can open a freaking hospital in India with that amount".

Another time I could have died due to no-reason postpartum bleeding if without attentive nurses and doctors... Each pregnancy and birth could take a woman's life away in snap of a finger. But i guess birthing machine's life is not as worthy as the holy fetus then, at least in America, it became official today.

Nothingness

On our way back from her music and gymnastics classes, "The Scientist" was playing, so I abruptly asked my almost six-year-old daughter: "Do you wanna grow up to be a scientist or a lawyer, or anything else that you wanna be?" "I want to grow up to be nothing." "What?!" "Ya, I think I am really going to do nothing, just like you." 

Ya right, I need not go to the office, do not receive any material compensation in exchange for whatever sort of work I do, I get it, no matter how many times I told them "mommy is a writer, or at least 'a writer to be', or 'a writer in the making'", and no matter how many times I told them to give me a little space and time so I can write, it won't register. My writing business is never legit to them. 

What can I tell her? "In this illusory reality which consists of the 'space and time' that we are only capable of perceiving, how do you know going to the office every day is 'something' but dreaming about the cosmos and staring into space is 'nothing'?" or "With the branded substances we dug out from the earth or robbed from our animal fellows, with our ever-growing and never-satisfiable thirst to comfort and luxure, plus our ignorance and selfishness which are the two most essential traits reside in us, slowly we all are sinking. How are you going to convince me that we are not being punished by being trapped inside the physical forms in the earthy definition of the universe? And tell me why being the one who not only possesses the will as well as the ability to break off from such reality and seek truth beyond deception should be labeled as 'nothing'?"    

But who the fuck do I think I am right? I have a whole universe of imaginary shit, I have different universes colliding with each other and I have layers of worlds filled with conflicts, however, might or might not have I the leisure to write them out. Maybe after say five years the books are printed and bound, but most probably besides family and friends who would keep a copy that they will never open on their bookshelves, no one else would care. 

So I just replied to the sweet baby girl of mine: "Chalo, you are entitled to your thoughts. And mind that, your thoughts, our thoughts, maybe they are the most vital existence of us." 

Father's Day

Been suppressing my senses throughout the weekend. Hope no one noticed that I didn't greet "happy father's day" to no one. Just not in the place, not in the place at all. Still trying very hard to normalize my own relationship, so the house can pass each day in peace but not misery.

 

Growing up without the intimacy of siblinghood, without a conscious connection with the closest guardians, maybe that's why I'm never able to knock off the itch to rather fall off the boat and drown in solitary. 

But in the vast meaninglessness that we were brought upon without consent, surely some of us are floating closer to light, and some of us are drifting on the edge of dark.

Maybe all that is worthy to do is hold on to the suffering until the knowing of the suffering ends.

Because no matter how you might believe, meaninglessness is the only destination for all. 

salute to the sober souls who have the courage to soar into the light